<vent> Why does DH always think we'll have sex when he comes back from business trips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't want to have sex with somebody who doesn't want to. They want to have sex with somebody who does want them. Obviously. The problem is that she doesn't.

Right... so instead of trying to find ways to increase their wife's sexual attraction to them, or, better yet, accepting the shift in her libido, they are on here berating women and trying to scare women into boning their husbands.

Sure, that adds up.

I agree, and I'm the higher drive wife. My husband has a couple of chronic medical issues, including apnea, that have been found to decrease his testosterone. First he was in denial that his sex drive was lower than average; then he refused to satisfy me when he wasn't in the mood (!) After 5+ years of that, I told him that he could work to meet my needs, we could open the marriage or we could divorce. Surprisingly he chose to open the marriage. I would have thought he'd just man up, but he didn't. It's been almost 5 years, and I am discreet, and I am happy in other respects, so we are still married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From these comments, I assume that most of the people responding are still in the whirl and chaos of raising kids.

I am an empty nester and I have just have one piece of advice. Do your best to maintain a relationship with your spouse that is based on your "couple-ness."

I am not saying that anyone should have sex on demand - that's ridiculous. But you have to make it a priority to stay connected. In the midst of raising kids, it is hard to see but you will not be raising kids forever. If you base your entire marriage on raising kids and running a household, what happens to that marriage when the kids are gone? And that time comes sooner than you think. Empty nest divorces are a common thing and that buried connection is a big reason why.

YES, IT IS A F*ING PARENTING WEBSITE!! DUH!!

Just trying to be helpful chica! Too bad you did not understand the context of that statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't want to have sex with somebody who doesn't want to. They want to have sex with somebody who does want them. Obviously. The problem is that she doesn't.

Right... so instead of trying to find ways to increase their wife's sexual attraction to them, or, better yet, accepting the shift in her libido, they are on here berating women and trying to scare women into boning their husbands.

Sure, that adds up.

I agree, and I'm the higher drive wife. My husband has a couple of chronic medical issues, including apnea, that have been found to decrease his testosterone. First he was in denial that his sex drive was lower than average; then he refused to satisfy me when he wasn't in the mood (!) After 5+ years of that, I told him that he could work to meet my needs, we could open the marriage or we could divorce. Surprisingly he chose to open the marriage. I would have thought he'd just man up, but he didn't. It's been almost 5 years, and I am discreet, and I am happy in other respects, so we are still married.

So trashy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:High libido man here, married to a low libido woman. I don't think OP is being unreasonable.

As long as she and her DH understand when she isn't going to receptive to sex, it's fine. My wife is same as OP. Never approach her after she has been with kids all day. Never.

Solution: I take care of myself at the hotel, I leave zero sexual energy for her. I can go out, flirt with my co-workers, feel like a sexual person. By the time I get back, my DW might as well be a man to me.

I know the one day a week it will happen, and I can look forward to that day.

My DW is fantastic outside of the bedroom. It works for now, if it doesn't work in the future, it's not like I don't have other options.

Good for you. See, guys? One man here understands how to jerk off. Now if only the rest of you duds could figure it out. You'd make your lives hell of a lot easier

Who wants to be resigned to having sex only once a week the rest of their marriages, and never in response to spontaneous desire?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all you couples who still want to have sex with each other, I am dying to know your secret.

- a DW who is over sex.

Why are you over sex?

Get me out of the house, to a hotel and I am game. Doing it in the marital bed, with the kids in the next room, with the same person, with a ton of things on my mind. Not so much. Oh, and I have an O every time, my husband is good at that department.

I totally understand the appeal of lesbian bed death.

Are you serious? The sex is good you have an O every time and you are over sex??? I really don't get that. I miss having sex so much (div.) and think you are so lucky.

What is stopping you, did you lose both hands in an accident?

+1000

Jerk off and get over it. You aren't entitled to sex

And you aren't entitled to a faithful spouse

And you aren't entitled to all of your assets in a divorce.

But after we spit the assets and kids 50/50 while you are officially another divorced older woman, I am entitled to immediately start dating every hot thing 12 years younger and 20 pounds thinner than you. I win.

Wouldn't it be much easier to just "fake it" 2X per week like most successful wives have been doing since the invention of marriage?

Wow, sometimes I feel frustrated by my current situation then I read something like this! I would never want to be married to a man who thought like this or be the woman who has to "fake it" to remain married... Sad existence...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this thinking that women are just blow up dolls who should put out whenever their husbands want. Do you really want to have sex with someone who is tired, cranky, and just plain not in the mood?

No, I'd like you to be open-minded enough to attempt to get in the mood with a little coaxing. If it doesn't work, then maybe say, sweetheart, I'm just so exhausted right now, I'm afraid I'd fall asleep during your attempts to pleasure me. Can we just set the alarm a little early and try this in the morning? Or...I'll plan to feed the kids early tomorrow so we can get them to bed and have the night to ourselves.

That's an understandable and acceptable response.

Are you kidding me? You take the kids and do the laundry and then maybe I'll think about it....is not an acceptable reply.

No thanks. How about "Sweetheart, I'm not in the mood- not right now and not any time in the foreseeable future. You'll be the first to know if that changes. Now go take this romance novel and jerk off in the bath, thanks".

And you say: alright.

That's an understandable and acceptable response.

How about she gives him a BJ, which would require two minutes and very little effort on her part, and would make him feel perfectly happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW is fantastic outside of the bedroom. It works for now, if it doesn't work in the future, it's not like I don't have other options.

Good for you. See, guys? One man here understands how to jerk off. Now if only the rest of you duds could figure it out. You'd make your lives hell of a lot easier

Uh, you may want to read that last bit again. He's working on other alternatives.

Who cares? Everyone has options, unless you're dead. I would hope my husband would have some.

The point is he's not being a nasty harassing sex pest. If he can do it, so can you. Figure it out.

Have you ever liked sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:High libido man here, married to a low libido woman. I don't think OP is being unreasonable.

As long as she and her DH understand when she isn't going to receptive to sex, it's fine. My wife is same as OP. Never approach her after she has been with kids all day. Never.

Solution: I take care of myself at the hotel, I leave zero sexual energy for her. I can go out, flirt with my co-workers, feel like a sexual person. By the time I get back, my DW might as well be a man to me.

I know the one day a week it will happen, and I can look forward to that day.

My DW is fantastic outside of the bedroom. It works for now, if it doesn't work in the future, it's not like I don't have other options.

Good for you. See, guys? One man here understands how to jerk off. Now if only the rest of you duds could figure it out. You'd make your lives hell of a lot easier

Jerking off is for losers. It has never been easier to find a hookup. If DW isn't in the mood, you're out the door and balls-deep in someone who is in the mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why so much hate? All of this is a problem only because a chunk of posters here (not all) seem to think their way is the only way. It isn't so.

Not hate, more like disbelief.
Are there *really* full grown women who don't realize that if you regularly tell your DH to "go jerk off" there is not a single man on planet earth who will stay faithfully married to you? Duh!?!

If you have "lost" your sex drive, you have only 3 options:
1) find it (or fake it).... 2x per week
2) accept an open marriage
3) divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:High libido man here, married to a low libido woman. I don't think OP is being unreasonable.

As long as she and her DH understand when she isn't going to receptive to sex, it's fine. My wife is same as OP. Never approach her after she has been with kids all day. Never.

Solution: I take care of myself at the hotel, I leave zero sexual energy for her. I can go out, flirt with my co-workers, feel like a sexual person. By the time I get back, my DW might as well be a man to me.

I know the one day a week it will happen, and I can look forward to that day.

My DW is fantastic outside of the bedroom. It works for now, if it doesn't work in the future, it's not like I don't have other options.

Good for you. See, guys? One man here understands how to jerk off. Now if only the rest of you duds could figure it out. You'd make your lives hell of a lot easier

Honey - I hope that you haven't tricked some poor guy into marriage and that you live alone.

Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news...

How often do you allow your DH to have sex with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your wife is coming home from a trip and wants sex and you're not giving it to her, she'll just get it in the trip next time, without you knowing.

Agree. Wife here; told my husband point blank that sex in the only two positions he likes is boring to me. I also really like oral and he won't give it to me. After 10 years of being unsatisfied, I found someone who will do it in ways I enjoy. I'm sorry to say that I'm only sorry I held out so long.

Why did you get married to him? Did you think things would change?

I was tired of being with very horny men. Twice a week was fine for me in my 20s. Then my hormones hit in my late 30s, after I was done with childbearing and had gotten sterilized. Oh boy! So I changed, not so much that he changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:High libido man here, married to a low libido woman. I don't think OP is being unreasonable.

As long as she and her DH understand when she isn't going to receptive to sex, it's fine. My wife is same as OP. Never approach her after she has been with kids all day. Never.

Solution: I take care of myself at the hotel, I leave zero sexual energy for her. I can go out, flirt with my co-workers, feel like a sexual person. By the time I get back, my DW might as well be a man to me.

I know the one day a week it will happen, and I can look forward to that day.

My DW is fantastic outside of the bedroom. It works for now, if it doesn't work in the future, it's not like I don't have other options.

Good for you. See, guys? One man here understands how to jerk off. Now if only the rest of you duds could figure it out. You'd make your lives hell of a lot easier

Who wants to be resigned to having sex only once a week the rest of their marriages, and never in response to spontaneous desire?

PP who you are responding to. I am largely resigned to once a week sex, and that if sex is going to happen, it's almost 100% on me. Of course, I am not thrilled with this. But, perspective. It's better than sexless, and if the 1x per week is decent, its' doable. Also, my DW is really a superstar in other facets of our marriage. I can dwell on the negative or be grateful for the positive.

Like I said, I am not trapped. If it gets to the point where the lack of sex and intimacy outweigh the benefits of marriage, I can leave. I will be absolutely fine single, in the dating market. I could have an affair, but having BTDT it's not all it's cracked up to be.

Marriage is a compromise. If your goal in getting married was to ensure passionate sex forever, you are looking at the wrong institution. If you are getting married thinking your spouse has no right to your body, you are basically condoning an affair.

To those spewing venom (you have no right to sleep with me, I will turn you in for a younger model), all I can say is an eye for an eye leaves the whole family blind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From these comments, I assume that most of the people responding are still in the whirl and chaos of raising kids.

I am an empty nester and I have just have one piece of advice. Do your best to maintain a relationship with your spouse that is based on your "couple-ness."

I am not saying that anyone should have sex on demand - that's ridiculous. But you have to make it a priority to stay connected. In the midst of raising kids, it is hard to see but you will not be raising kids forever. If you base your entire marriage on raising kids and running a household, what happens to that marriage when the kids are gone? And that time comes sooner than you think. Empty nest divorces are a common thing and that buried connection is a big reason why.

This is very true especially for helicopter SAHMs who often feel completely lost when they become empty nesters. If they don't have a great connection with their spouses they can easily feel at sea. I'm sure that relationships can be re-built but many can't be. I have a couple of GF's who went through this and they just seem to drift along in an unhappy state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:High libido man here, married to a low libido woman. I don't think OP is being unreasonable.

As long as she and her DH understand when she isn't going to receptive to sex, it's fine. My wife is same as OP. Never approach her after she has been with kids all day. Never.

Solution: I take care of myself at the hotel, I leave zero sexual energy for her. I can go out, flirt with my co-workers, feel like a sexual person. By the time I get back, my DW might as well be a man to me.

I know the one day a week it will happen, and I can look forward to that day.

My DW is fantastic outside of the bedroom. It works for now, if it doesn't work in the future, it's not like I don't have other options.

Good for you. See, guys? One man here understands how to jerk off. Now if only the rest of you duds could figure it out. You'd make your lives hell of a lot easier

Jerking off is for losers. It has never been easier to find a hookup. If DW isn't in the mood, you're out the door and balls-deep in someone who is in the mood.

Spoken like a true conservative. Family values and all.

[Anonymous]

DW here that almost never says no. DH understands after a trip when I've had a stressful week it'll probably just be something quick before bed and that if we wake up early on a Saturday it'll be a little longer.

We had a long talk about expectations in regards to sex a few years ago. He thought I needed a great romantic evening and an hour of foreplay every time. I thought he needed an elaborate session of multiple positions every time. It caused more fights than anything else ever has for us. Once we let those ideas go, we've been on a good track and have sex 4-6 times a week. It may be quick or in the shower, but it's still happening regardless of what else is going on.