Reply to <vent> Why does DH always think we'll have sex when he comes back from business trips?

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Reply to "<vent> Why does DH always think we'll have sex when he comes back from business trips?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; [b]for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important[/b]. In good marriages, both are a priority.[/quote]

We have talked about this and my DW says that too.  I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us.  But that's not the whole story.  I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids.  I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more).  She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations.  I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

[b]I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives?  This is what many of us struggle to understand. [/b] We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?[/quote]

Another man in your shoes, exactly.  I think I am older than you, my kids are no longer young, and the sexual part of our marriage has always been lukewarm since the kids came.  Sometimes, its decent 1x a week, sometimes its mercy sex 2x a month.

Here's what gives:  women have sex because they have sex hormones.  Those women that hit on you and I when we are out?  Sex hormones.  Your wife doesn't have much of them, neither does mine.  When she has glimpses of them, we have sex.  When she doesn't have them, she might agree to have sex because it's been a while and she feels guilty.

I have acted the jerk, acted the nice guy, been in amazing shape, gained a few pounds, been around the house a lot and worked late for weeks.  There is zero correlation between how I act, look, behave, and her desire to have sex.  It's hormones.[/quote]

As a woman believe me there's a lot of correlation. I will guarantee it's not hormones. [b]She's either not attracted to you anymore, or never was.[/b] She was never crazy about sex to begin with, and/or she's held grudges for past things that's happened.  Doubtful she'll ever tell you, but the hormone thing pads the real reason. I know women that stayed with a spouse that cheated because they had to but secretly loathed them. [/quote]

So what do you expect men to do whose wives have lost attraction?  Assuming the man hasn't become out of shape or anything different?  [/quote]

Get a divorce. Seriously. I don't understand this fascination with condemning yourself to a life of misery. There is nothing wrong with being high-drive or low-drive. Just find someone compatible. I just don't see why people constantly try to fit a round peg into a square hole, and then amazingly, don't understand why they are miserable! There is no right or wrong. Just different. But it's still pretty simple: low-drive, find a low-drive partner. High drive? Find a high drive partner. Since sex seems to be such an integral part of a relationship, it seems pretty silly to be in a sexually non-compatible relationship. If you wanted 3 kids, would date someone that didn't want kids at all?? Come on people. Common sense here. And for those of you who think - oh, well, how was I supposed to know? Don't get MARRIED UNTIL YOU KNOW! Know who you are marrying![/quote]
Have you never dated anyone long enough for the sparks to fade? This is normal. That's why they need a female viagra stat.[/quote]

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