<vent> Why does DH always think we'll have sex when he comes back from business trips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!

You don't like sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!

You think he was "relaxing" on his business trip? I don't get to relax on my business trips.

[Anonymous]

When people do not want to have sex with each other it is because they do not have physical attraction towards each other. Having sex is like eating the best chocolate icecream...it is a lovely indulgence that is amazingly pleasurable and you do not need to carve out any special time to have it. But what if you are allergic to chocolate or are diabetic or have sensitive teeth? Should the OP not also be craving sex with her husband if he has been gone for a few days? Men who are not getting sex at home need to face that their wives are not into them.

- Very happily married DW

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!

You think he was "relaxing" on his business trip? I don't get to relax on my business trips.

This again? A business trip with adults is very different than wrangling young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
When people do not want to have sex with each other it is because they do not have physical attraction towards each other. Having sex is like eating the best chocolate icecream...it is a lovely indulgence that is amazingly pleasurable and you do not need to carve out any special time to have it. But what if you are allergic to chocolate or are diabetic or have sensitive teeth? Should the OP not also be craving sex with her husband if he has been gone for a few days? Men who are not getting sex at home need to face that their wives are not into them.

- Very happily married DW

Well said

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!

You think he was "relaxing" on his business trip? I don't get to relax on my business trips.

Me neither, if anything my hours are longer, much longer because I have deadlines.

[Anonymous]

I can understand your exhaustion. We all deal with it as parents. But husbands show love through sex. You rejecting him is much worse than another night without enough sleep. I recommend caffeine.

[Anonymous]

You just aren't attracted to him anymore. Were you ever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider this a divergence of focus during the time he's away. When he's away, no, he's not thinking about laundry or daycare pick up and drop off. If he's traveling for work, he's probably thinking about work. On the way home, he has time to transition between his work mentality and an "excited to be home" mentality. You, on the other hand, do not have a transition. Your mentality is "children, grocery shopping, laundry, etc." and when he comes home, your "excited for him to be home" mentality is probably driven a lot by relief that he will be able to help you with some of the tasks you've been juggling.

I have been there. What I have done is asked DH to text me when he gets back into town (knowing that he will be home in 30-40 minutes depending on whether he's on the train or at DCA). When I get that text, I stop the domestic stuff to the extent possible and just relax. Set kids up with an activity of some kind that doesn't require a lot of supervision. Sit back and have a glass of wine or cup of tea. Freshen up a little. In my experience, when he gets home, I am no longer harried and feeling like I just need a break. We also table conversations about home logistics stuff until the following morning unless there's something that truly can't wait and just enjoy each other's company. Sometimes sex is involved, sometimes not, but the transitional period is really, really important.

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand he gets lonely and misses me. But does he understand that while he was sleeping in and not doing any laundry or dishes or any cooking or grocery shopping, that I was doing all of that and child care and pick up and drop off and the l.a.s.t. thing I am thinking about is sex, because all I want to do is get 12 hours of sleep?!!!

OK then you won't mind if he has sex ON the business trips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess because he believes you are his loving wife who cares about him, misses him, wants to be with him, and that you too might have some tiny shred of sexual desire?

This is what me, OP's husband, and all husbands want to believe.

Then, reality hits. It took me years to finally realize the woman I married is no longer the same woman. I can empathize with her sacrifice, her exhaustion, her need for alone time. But no amount of rational thought redirects the obvious: my wife would rather do almost anything rather than re-connect sexually with me.

I am so super jealous of those married couples who still want to sleep with each other, and don't need perfect conditions to do so. How wonderful married life must be for them!

Oh but you are sadly mistaken, PP.

Your wife is EXACTLY the same woman that you married. But now your "love-goggles" are off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DW would echo OP's sentiments. Perhaps she is OP.

What is super frustrating for me is how often I turn down other women who proposition me during business travel. Yes, it really happens, a lot. Then, I come home to someone who can't fathom sex with me.

Marriage is wonderful for lots of things, sex is not among them.

Start accepting some of those propositions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!

You think he was "relaxing" on his business trip? I don't get to relax on my business trips.

Right?!?! How do you think he gets that paycheck that allows you to putter around doing laundry in your Lululemon yoga pants and getting a latte on your way to a soccer game?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!

You think he was "relaxing" on his business trip? I don't get to relax on my business trips.

Right?!?! How do you think he gets that paycheck that allows you to putter around doing laundry in your Lululemon yoga pants and getting a latte on your way to a soccer game?

Newsflash - you don't get laid because you're a f*cking c*nt.