<vent> Why does DH always think we'll have sex when he comes back from business trips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this thinking that women are just blow up dolls who should put out whenever their husbands want. Do you really want to have sex with someone who is tired, cranky, and just plain not in the mood?

No, I'd like you to be open-minded enough to attempt to get in the mood with a little coaxing. If it doesn't work, then maybe say, sweetheart, I'm just so exhausted right now, I'm afraid I'd fall asleep during your attempts to pleasure me. Can we just set the alarm a little early and try this in the morning? Or...I'll plan to feed the kids early tomorrow so we can get them to bed and have the night to ourselves.

That's an understandable and acceptable response.

Are you kidding me? You take the kids and do the laundry and then maybe I'll think about it....is not an acceptable reply.

No thanks. How about "Sweetheart, I'm not in the mood- not right now and not any time in the foreseeable future. You'll be the first to know if that changes. Now go take this romance novel and jerk off in the bath, thanks".

And you say: alright.

That's an understandable and acceptable response.

How about she gives him a BJ, which would require two minutes and very little effort on her part, and would make him feel perfectly happy?

Gee I must be doing it wrong, it takes me 15-20 minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this thinking that women are just blow up dolls who should put out whenever their husbands want. Do you really want to have sex with someone who is tired, cranky, and just plain not in the mood?

No, I'd like you to be open-minded enough to attempt to get in the mood with a little coaxing. If it doesn't work, then maybe say, sweetheart, I'm just so exhausted right now, I'm afraid I'd fall asleep during your attempts to pleasure me. Can we just set the alarm a little early and try this in the morning? Or...I'll plan to feed the kids early tomorrow so we can get them to bed and have the night to ourselves.

That's an understandable and acceptable response.

Are you kidding me? You take the kids and do the laundry and then maybe I'll think about it....is not an acceptable reply.

No thanks. How about "Sweetheart, I'm not in the mood- not right now and not any time in the foreseeable future. You'll be the first to know if that changes. Now go take this romance novel and jerk off in the bath, thanks".

And you say: alright.

That's an understandable and acceptable response.

How about she gives him a BJ, which would require two minutes and very little effort on her part, and would make him feel perfectly happy?

Gee I must be doing it wrong, it takes me 15-20 minutes.

You could definitely use some lessons

[Anonymous]

Just tell him no and don't worry because he will have no difficulty finding willing partners for his sexual needs. Don't come back here in six months screaming about him having an extra marital affair. You are making a HUGE mistake and divorce is in your future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all you couples who still want to have sex with each other, I am dying to know your secret.

- a DW who is over sex.

Why are you over sex?

Get me out of the house, to a hotel and I am game. Doing it in the marital bed, with the kids in the next room, with the same person, with a ton of things on my mind. Not so much. Oh, and I have an O every time, my husband is good at that department.

I totally understand the appeal of lesbian bed death.

Are you serious? The sex is good you have an O every time and you are over sex??? I really don't get that. I miss having sex so much (div.) and think you are so lucky.

What is stopping you, did you lose both hands in an accident?

+1000

Jerk off and get over it. You aren't entitled to sex

And you aren't entitled to a faithful spouse

And you aren't entitled to all of your assets in a divorce.

But after we spit the assets and kids 50/50 while you are officially another divorced older woman, I am entitled to immediately start dating every hot thing 12 years younger and 20 pounds thinner than you. I win.

Wouldn't it be much easier to just "fake it" 2X per week like most successful wives have been doing since the invention of marriage?

Wow, sometimes I feel frustrated by my current situation then I read something like this! I would never want to be married to a man who thought like this or be the woman who has to "fake it" to remain married... Sad existence...

Please don't get married if your plan is to reject sex and tell him to "go jerk off"
Because ALL men think like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this thinking that women are just blow up dolls who should put out whenever their husbands want. Do you really want to have sex with someone who is tired, cranky, and just plain not in the mood?

No, I'd like you to be open-minded enough to attempt to get in the mood with a little coaxing. If it doesn't work, then maybe say, sweetheart, I'm just so exhausted right now, I'm afraid I'd fall asleep during your attempts to pleasure me. Can we just set the alarm a little early and try this in the morning? Or...I'll plan to feed the kids early tomorrow so we can get them to bed and have the night to ourselves.

That's an understandable and acceptable response.

Are you kidding me? You take the kids and do the laundry and then maybe I'll think about it....is not an acceptable reply.

No thanks. How about "Sweetheart, I'm not in the mood- not right now and not any time in the foreseeable future. You'll be the first to know if that changes. Now go take this romance novel and jerk off in the bath, thanks".

And you say: alright.

That's an understandable and acceptable response.

How about she gives him a BJ, which would require two minutes and very little effort on her part, and would make him feel perfectly happy?

Gee I must be doing it wrong, it takes me 15-20 minutes.

LOL! I'm only good giving a BJ for a few minutes at which point I'm ready to be satisfied. I'm sure my DH would like me to continue but I have my own needs. He's smart enough not to complain.

[Anonymous]

A couple of years ago I picked my DH up at Dulles after he had been overseas for over two weeks. The night before I told him how much I'd "missed" him. We get in the car and he quickly exits the highway and pulls into the Westin. I asked him why are we stopping and he said because he REALLY missed me too! He also knows that I love hotel sex because there are no kids around. We got home about two hours later and one of our kids asked what took us so long and my DH said incredible traffic. We haven't repeated the Westin adventure but sex after a long business trip is a must for both of us.

[Anonymous]

I'm shocked by the people who can't compromise on this board - especially when so much is at stake.

As the child of a divorce I can tell you that kids are NOT resilient. Honestly, a piece of you dies every time you have to leave to go to the other parents house. And step parents, my drunken stepdad beat the shit out of us and my teacher stepmom only wanted to be rid of us and only have her daughter around.

If you want to put your kids first, put your marriage first. Give them a healthy, stable environment to grow up in. Demonstrate for them what a functional, caring relationship is supposed to look like. Care about meeting each other's needs. Compromise.

My wife doesn't want to go at it like college kids and thats fine. She never lets me go more than a week without some action. Aso, I know when she's likely tired or not into it and I don't even ask. But we make compromises and go out of our way to meet each other's needs. That's what normal (people who aren't nuts) do.

If you don't do the same you'll only be creating mental issues that your kids will have to work through or spend the resto of their lives living with.

You're all better than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked by the people who can't compromise on this board - especially when so much is at stake.

As the child of a divorce I can tell you that kids are NOT resilient. Honestly, a piece of you dies every time you have to leave to go to the other parents house. And step parents, my drunken stepdad beat the shit out of us and my teacher stepmom only wanted to be rid of us and only have her daughter around.

If you want to put your kids first, put your marriage first. Give them a healthy, stable environment to grow up in. Demonstrate for them what a functional, caring relationship is supposed to look like. Care about meeting each other's needs. Compromise.

My wife doesn't want to go at it like college kids and thats fine. She never lets me go more than a week without some action. Aso, I know when she's likely tired or not into it and I don't even ask. But we make compromises and go out of our way to meet each other's needs. That's what normal (people who aren't nuts) do.

If you don't do the same you'll only be creating mental issues that your kids will have to work through or spend the resto of their lives living with.

You're all better than that.

Me too, it amazes me people will throw away their marriage and kids over what usually amounts to garbage. The so called blended family hasn't worked, and sometimes you can't stay married, but you clearly see people not trying. They cheat or divorce at the drop of a hat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell him no and don't worry because he will have no difficulty finding willing partners for his sexual needs. Don't come back here in six months screaming about him having an extra marital affair. You are making a HUGE mistake and divorce is in your future.

And don't you come back here because your spouse caught you and your finances are in shambles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't want to have sex with somebody who doesn't want to. They want to have sex with somebody who does want them. Obviously. The problem is that she doesn't.

Right... so instead of trying to find ways to increase their wife's sexual attraction to them, or, better yet, accepting the shift in her libido, they are on here berating women and trying to scare women into boning their husbands.

Sure, that adds up.

I agree, and I'm the higher drive wife. My husband has a couple of chronic medical issues, including apnea, that have been found to decrease his testosterone. First he was in denial that his sex drive was lower than average; then he refused to satisfy me when he wasn't in the mood (!) After 5+ years of that, I told him that he could work to meet my needs, we could open the marriage or we could divorce. Surprisingly he chose to open the marriage. I would have thought he'd just man up, but he didn't. It's been almost 5 years, and I am discreet, and I am happy in other respects, so we are still married.

So trashy

I agree, but I think it's a guy that's constantly all over these boards complaining and talking about open marriages. Some really sad people plus kids involved which makes it worse. What a lousy home environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I remember reading a research paper a while back on this topic. It said that a man's sperm count increases when he is away from his partner and meets her after a separation. He also has a high degree of desire. The author of that study hypothesized that men have an increased level of possessiveness when they meet their partner after a separation. The sperm count is higher to ensure their sperm defeats other sperm that may be in the woman's body.

Not kidding..

Interesting. If only men had evolved to have actual brainpower strong enough to overpower that penis brain

That's such a true comment. Long time married, but we look around at the mess many of our friends are in. Couples who cheated. Most are living in rentals because they lost their homes over the fall out. The 401ks were split and now many of them won't be able to retire. The people that made it are similar to us. Family oriented and well grounded. I see the nuts on these threads talking about open marriages and cheating in hotels etc.

[Anonymous]

If you are not willing to compromise, be flexible, show respect and put someone else's needs in front of your own it's tough to stay happily married. Those attributes are not something that are created by the words "I do", they develop over time but only if your spouse develops them with you. I've seen too many marriages break up at the 15-20 year mark when the build up from the absence of those attributes becomes too much to take. In terms of sex after a return from a business trip no one should ever be required to have sex when they don't want to. But if you have a very good relationship you would hope that both spouses would want to. There are many ways to reduce the chaos on the day a spouse returns, but you need to plan for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They don't want to have sex with somebody who doesn't want to. They want to have sex with somebody who does want them. Obviously. The problem is that she doesn't.

Right... so instead of trying to find ways to increase their wife's sexual attraction to them, or, better yet, accepting the shift in her libido, they are on here berating women and trying to scare women into boning their husbands.

Sure, that adds up.

I agree, and I'm the higher drive wife. My husband has a couple of chronic medical issues, including apnea, that have been found to decrease his testosterone. First he was in denial that his sex drive was lower than average; then he refused to satisfy me when he wasn't in the mood (!) After 5+ years of that, I told him that he could work to meet my needs, we could open the marriage or we could divorce. Surprisingly he chose to open the marriage. I would have thought he'd just man up, but he didn't. It's been almost 5 years, and I am discreet, and I am happy in other respects, so we are still married.

So trashy

I agree, but I think it's a guy that's constantly all over these boards complaining and talking about open marriages. Some really sad people plus kids involved which makes it worse. What a lousy home environment.

LOL think what you like, but I am definitely a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell him no and don't worry because he will have no difficulty finding willing partners for his sexual needs. Don't come back here in six months screaming about him having an extra marital affair. You are making a HUGE mistake and divorce is in your future.

And don't you come back here because your spouse caught you and your finances are in shambles.

Do you seriously think that financial concerns is sufficient motivation to remain (faithful) in a low sex marriage?
You must not have a normal sex drive, if you actually believe that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell him no and don't worry because he will have no difficulty finding willing partners for his sexual needs. Don't come back here in six months screaming about him having an extra marital affair. You are making a HUGE mistake and divorce is in your future.

And don't you come back here because your spouse caught you and your finances are in shambles.

Do you seriously think that financial concerns is sufficient motivation to remain (faithful) in a low sex marriage?
You must not have a normal sex drive, if you actually believe that.

+1. Sex is an important part of our marriage. Thankfully, DH shares that view. But absent a medical issue, if DH suddenly decided sex was off the table, money is not going to keep me in a miserable marriage. I am young enough to rebuild.