<vent> Why does DH always think we'll have sex when he comes back from business trips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!

You don't like sex?

PP here. No I don't like sex when I'm exhausted and on edge (which is what it's like for me to be alone with 4 kids for several days and nights and he knows that). I need to be in the mood for sex., which means relaxed. Why should I put out if I am too tired?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's a one or two day trip neither of us has the "need" to have sex. But if we are apart for a week it is something we really look forward to. The day my DH returns I make sure not to get burned out on mommy duties. It takes a little planning but it's well worth it. No laundry, a simple kids dinner are both part of it. I travel on business as well and I know there are temptations. I want my DH to know that when he is away a long time that there is someone at home who will rock his world.

Yet another lovely wife...I went wrong somewhere. Time to move on.

Did you consider women who wanted sex on the first or second date "not marriage material"? Because we're the ones who actually like sex.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand this thinking that women are just blow up dolls who should put out whenever their husbands want. Do you really want to have sex with someone who is tired, cranky, and just plain not in the mood?

[Anonymous]

Probably because he loves you, misses you, and is really horny due to being faithful to you and your marriage. Probably because he thinks you feel the same...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's a one or two day trip neither of us has the "need" to have sex. But if we are apart for a week it is something we really look forward to. The day my DH returns I make sure not to get burned out on mommy duties. It takes a little planning but it's well worth it. No laundry, a simple kids dinner are both part of it. I travel on business as well and I know there are temptations. I want my DH to know that when he is away a long time that there is someone at home who will rock his world.

Yet another lovely wife...I went wrong somewhere. Time to move on.

Did you consider women who wanted sex on the first or second date "not marriage material"? Because we're the ones who actually like sex.

And I'll bet you're the one that cheats on your husband too.

How about people compromise in a marriage instead of forcing something on the other. Usually there's always a compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess because he believes you are his loving wife who cares about him, misses him, wants to be with him, and that you too might have some tiny shred of sexual desire?

This is what me, OP's husband, and all husbands want to believe.

Then, reality hits. It took me years to finally realize the woman I married is no longer the same woman. I can empathize with her sacrifice, her exhaustion, her need for alone time. But no amount of rational thought redirects the obvious: my wife would rather do almost anything rather than re-connect sexually with me.

I am so super jealous of those married couples who still want to sleep with each other, and don't need perfect conditions to do so. How wonderful married life must be for them!

If you are my husband or like him it's because you've gained 30 lbs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably because he loves you, misses you, and is really horny due to being faithful to you and your marriage. Probably because he thinks you feel the same...

It's "they", not "he".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!

You don't like sex?

PP here. No I don't like sex when I'm exhausted and on edge (which is what it's like for me to be alone with 4 kids for several days and nights and he knows that). I need to be in the mood for sex., which means relaxed. Why should I put out if I am too tired?

I think it's all in the way that you reject someone. I think there is a big difference between saying, "honey, I missed you and I love you, but I am exhausted. I am flattered that you want me right now, and I want you too, but if we're going to do it, let's do it right. Let me relax and recharge. Spend some time with the kids, they missed you a lot as well. And when I am rested and relaxed, I will welcome you home!" vs. "f-off, i'm tired and now annoyed that you want me."

Just my two cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love sex when he gets home from a business trip. Yes, it's grueling for me when he's away. 4 kids on my own is a lot of work. But that's the life we chose. I'm grateful that we were able to make those decisions. I miss DH when he's away, and I love knowing he missed me and still wants me after so many years. I know he's exhausted too, because it hasn't been a vacation for him. Long days, missing me and the kids, being around people he doesn't know or like, no home cooked meals, sleeping in a different bed... It feels good to reconnect with him physically and emotionally. And it's usually some pretty exciting sex even though we're both tired. Excitement to be together > exhaustion for us.

This is really nicely put. I don't understand why people have to complain about the sacrifices they are making. They all chose their lives. You have children, it requires sacrifice. You have a demanding job that requires travel, that's sacrifice. No one has forced anyone into these situations. More importantly, everyone seems to feel entitled to be rewarded for these "sacrifices" they chose to make. I think that there should be a mutual understanding of the sacrifices that everyone makes to make a family work. It seems like you have that in your family. I'm glad that you are happy and in a good relationship.

Thanks I still have resentment about his traveling. It sucks that I like to travel and he hates it, yet he gets to travel and I'm stuck at home. But again, that's what we chose. Some trips are harder than others, like the last trip when our pet died while he was away. Honestly though, it just makes the need to reconnect even stronger when he does get home.

For a while, we were going through a rough patch and he was pretty low drive. I really liked him traveling then. It was great because I had time to miss him and appreciate him while he was gone, and I could almost always count on goodbye and hello sex before and after the trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's a one or two day trip neither of us has the "need" to have sex. But if we are apart for a week it is something we really look forward to. The day my DH returns I make sure not to get burned out on mommy duties. It takes a little planning but it's well worth it. No laundry, a simple kids dinner are both part of it. I travel on business as well and I know there are temptations. I want my DH to know that when he is away a long time that there is someone at home who will rock his world.

Yet another lovely wife...I went wrong somewhere. Time to move on.

Did you consider women who wanted sex on the first or second date "not marriage material"? Because we're the ones who actually like sex.

This is actually hilarious, yet, probably so true. How many times do we reject someone based on some ridiculous values/morals/checklist bull crap and later complain about our crappy marriages because someone isn't X, Y, Z.

So quick to judge, yet, so blind to the possibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this thinking that women are just blow up dolls who should put out whenever their husbands want. Do you really want to have sex with someone who is tired, cranky, and just plain not in the mood?

This is where compromise comes in. Obviously when your partner isn't receptive it's time to wait. Don't force it, totally pathetic and unwanted. It's like dating, you know who is interested and who is not. The signals are usually pretty clear. Step back and be respectful. Wait for a better time. Sex is about both, not just one getting off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's a one or two day trip neither of us has the "need" to have sex. But if we are apart for a week it is something we really look forward to. The day my DH returns I make sure not to get burned out on mommy duties. It takes a little planning but it's well worth it. No laundry, a simple kids dinner are both part of it. I travel on business as well and I know there are temptations. I want my DH to know that when he is away a long time that there is someone at home who will rock his world.

Yet another lovely wife...I went wrong somewhere. Time to move on.

Did you consider women who wanted sex on the first or second date "not marriage material"? Because we're the ones who actually like sex.

Dp. I waited till marriage and am enthusiastic when my husband returns

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

Another man in your shoes, exactly. I think I am older than you, my kids are no longer young, and the sexual part of our marriage has always been lukewarm since the kids came. Sometimes, its decent 1x a week, sometimes its mercy sex 2x a month.

Here's what gives: women have sex because they have sex hormones. Those women that hit on you and I when we are out? Sex hormones. Your wife doesn't have much of them, neither does mine. When she has glimpses of them, we have sex. When she doesn't have them, she might agree to have sex because it's been a while and she feels guilty.

I have acted the jerk, acted the nice guy, been in amazing shape, gained a few pounds, been around the house a lot and worked late for weeks. There is zero correlation between how I act, look, behave, and her desire to have sex. It's hormones.

As a woman believe me there's a lot of correlation. I will guarantee it's not hormones. She's either not attracted to you anymore, or never was. She was never crazy about sex to begin with, and/or she's held grudges for past things that's happened. Doubtful she'll ever tell you, but the hormone thing pads the real reason. I know women that stayed with a spouse that cheated because they had to but secretly loathed them.

So what do you expect men to do whose wives have lost attraction? Assuming the man hasn't become out of shape or anything different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love sex when he gets home from a business trip. Yes, it's grueling for me when he's away. 4 kids on my own is a lot of work. But that's the life we chose. I'm grateful that we were able to make those decisions. I miss DH when he's away, and I love knowing he missed me and still wants me after so many years. I know he's exhausted too, because it hasn't been a vacation for him. Long days, missing me and the kids, being around people he doesn't know or like, no home cooked meals, sleeping in a different bed... It feels good to reconnect with him physically and emotionally. And it's usually some pretty exciting sex even though we're both tired. Excitement to be together > exhaustion for us.

This is really nicely put. I don't understand why people have to complain about the sacrifices they are making. They all chose their lives. You have children, it requires sacrifice. You have a demanding job that requires travel, that's sacrifice. No one has forced anyone into these situations. More importantly, everyone seems to feel entitled to be rewarded for these "sacrifices" they chose to make. I think that there should be a mutual understanding of the sacrifices that everyone makes to make a family work. It seems like you have that in your family. I'm glad that you are happy and in a good relationship.

Thanks I still have resentment about his traveling. It sucks that I like to travel and he hates it, yet he gets to travel and I'm stuck at home. But again, that's what we chose. Some trips are harder than others, like the last trip when our pet died while he was away. Honestly though, it just makes the need to reconnect even stronger when he does get home.

For a while, we were going through a rough patch and he was pretty low drive. I really liked him traveling then. It was great because I had time to miss him and appreciate him while he was gone, and I could almost always count on goodbye and hello sex before and after the trips.

I spent 272 days in a hotel last year... and the two previous years before that weren't much different. I have always been grateful for my significant other who can deal with that. I absolutely understand the amount of sacrifice it takes for her to have to do everything around the house when I am gone, take care of the two pups, etc. And she always was understanding and grateful of me, while I was trying to build my career, and so, it's nice to see that there are those, who just have mutual respect and admiration for those things. Certainly makes life a lot better than just complaining all the time about what we don't have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this thinking that women are just blow up dolls who should put out whenever their husbands want. Do you really want to have sex with someone who is tired, cranky, and just plain not in the mood?

I don't get the sense that people are saying that at all. I think a lot of people are struggling with the notion that this woman is upset that her husband is still attracted to her and, more generally, that a DW thinks it is a bad thing that the DH wants to actually have sex with the person he married and promised to forsake all others for.

Whether all you new age wives want to believe it or not, physical intimacy is important to many people - much more important than doing that last load of laundry. It is about priorities and if having a lasting physical connection to your mate is not your thing, then you better make sure he is ok with it too. Celibacy by unilateral decision NEVER ends well.