<vent> Why does DH always think we'll have sex when he comes back from business trips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this thinking that women are just blow up dolls who should put out whenever their husbands want. Do you really want to have sex with someone who is tired, cranky, and just plain not in the mood?

As a woman with a higher libido than her husband, you're thinking about this wrong. I want sex; I am limited to sex with my husband if I want to have sex with another person. Even if he is tired, cranky or not all that into it, it's better often than self service. That may also be the way some men think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this thinking that women are just blow up dolls who should put out whenever their husbands want. Do you really want to have sex with someone who is tired, cranky, and just plain not in the mood?

As a woman with a higher libido than her husband, you're thinking about this wrong. I want sex; I am limited to sex with my husband if I want to have sex with another person. Even if he is tired, cranky or not all that into it, it's better often than self service. That may also be the way some men think.

[Anonymous]

You're not talking about ethics, you're talking about convenience. Don't get the two confused. It's more CONVENIENT to keep everything in tact because god forbid, you had to strike out on your own and you couldn't live off your spouses money, or god forbid you had to split your assets. So, it's not an ethical decision, it's a convenient one. And ethically speaking, cheating on your spouse isn't really in the realm of ethical.

Cheating on your spouse who isn't interested in sex is a heck of a lot more ethical than cheating your kids out of financial and emotional security because you divorced over a lack of sex.

Or, you know, if you don't want to get cheated on, have sex with your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

Another man in your shoes, exactly. I think I am older than you, my kids are no longer young, and the sexual part of our marriage has always been lukewarm since the kids came. Sometimes, its decent 1x a week, sometimes its mercy sex 2x a month.

Here's what gives: women have sex because they have sex hormones. Those women that hit on you and I when we are out? Sex hormones. Your wife doesn't have much of them, neither does mine. When she has glimpses of them, we have sex. When she doesn't have them, she might agree to have sex because it's been a while and she feels guilty.

I have acted the jerk, acted the nice guy, been in amazing shape, gained a few pounds, been around the house a lot and worked late for weeks. There is zero correlation between how I act, look, behave, and her desire to have sex. It's hormones.

As a woman believe me there's a lot of correlation. I will guarantee it's not hormones. She's either not attracted to you anymore, or never was. She was never crazy about sex to begin with, and/or she's held grudges for past things that's happened. Doubtful she'll ever tell you, but the hormone thing pads the real reason. I know women that stayed with a spouse that cheated because they had to but secretly loathed them.

So what do you expect men to do whose wives have lost attraction? Assuming the man hasn't become out of shape or anything different?

Get a divorce. Seriously. I don't understand this fascination with condemning yourself to a life of misery. There is nothing wrong with being high-drive or low-drive. Just find someone compatible. I just don't see why people constantly try to fit a round peg into a square hole, and then amazingly, don't understand why they are miserable! There is no right or wrong. Just different. But it's still pretty simple: low-drive, find a low-drive partner. High drive? Find a high drive partner. Since sex seems to be such an integral part of a relationship, it seems pretty silly to be in a sexually non-compatible relationship. If you wanted 3 kids, would date someone that didn't want kids at all?? Come on people. Common sense here. And for those of you who think - oh, well, how was I supposed to know? Don't get MARRIED UNTIL YOU KNOW! Know who you are marrying!

My husband told me we'd have more sex once we were married, and living in the same house. Too embarrassed to admit that once or maybe twice a week vanilla sex was all he's ever wanted. The men I had dated before I met him had all had normal, high drives so when I complained about our lack of intimacy and he assured me it would get better, how was I to know that he didn't even realize his drive was lower than the average guy's?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's a one or two day trip neither of us has the "need" to have sex. But if we are apart for a week it is something we really look forward to. The day my DH returns I make sure not to get burned out on mommy duties. It takes a little planning but it's well worth it. No laundry, a simple kids dinner are both part of it. I travel on business as well and I know there are temptations. I want my DH to know that when he is away a long time that there is someone at home who will rock his world.

Yet another lovely wife...I went wrong somewhere. Time to move on.

Did you consider women who wanted sex on the first or second date "not marriage material"? Because we're the ones who actually like sex.

And I'll bet you're the one that cheats on your husband too.

How about people compromise in a marriage instead of forcing something on the other. Usually there's always a compromise.

Nope, twenty years next month and have never cheated. I do find it interesting that you associate liking sex with being unfaithful, though. That says a lot more about you than it does about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

Another man in your shoes, exactly. I think I am older than you, my kids are no longer young, and the sexual part of our marriage has always been lukewarm since the kids came. Sometimes, its decent 1x a week, sometimes its mercy sex 2x a month.

Here's what gives: women have sex because they have sex hormones. Those women that hit on you and I when we are out? Sex hormones. Your wife doesn't have much of them, neither does mine. When she has glimpses of them, we have sex. When she doesn't have them, she might agree to have sex because it's been a while and she feels guilty.

I have acted the jerk, acted the nice guy, been in amazing shape, gained a few pounds, been around the house a lot and worked late for weeks. There is zero correlation between how I act, look, behave, and her desire to have sex. It's hormones.

As a woman believe me there's a lot of correlation. I will guarantee it's not hormones. She's either not attracted to you anymore, or never was. She was never crazy about sex to begin with, and/or she's held grudges for past things that's happened. Doubtful she'll ever tell you, but the hormone thing pads the real reason. I know women that stayed with a spouse that cheated because they had to but secretly loathed them.

So what do you expect men to do whose wives have lost attraction? Assuming the man hasn't become out of shape or anything different?

Get a divorce. Seriously. I don't understand this fascination with condemning yourself to a life of misery. There is nothing wrong with being high-drive or low-drive. Just find someone compatible. I just don't see why people constantly try to fit a round peg into a square hole, and then amazingly, don't understand why they are miserable! There is no right or wrong. Just different. But it's still pretty simple: low-drive, find a low-drive partner. High drive? Find a high drive partner. Since sex seems to be such an integral part of a relationship, it seems pretty silly to be in a sexually non-compatible relationship. If you wanted 3 kids, would date someone that didn't want kids at all?? Come on people. Common sense here. And for those of you who think - oh, well, how was I supposed to know? Don't get MARRIED UNTIL YOU KNOW! Know who you are marrying!

Um, we have kids. No one with kids gets divorced lightly. Seems to me the compromise if mom and dad can't agree on sex is to outsource it, and keep the family home intact. Much more ethical to get your needs met discreetly elsewhere than to break up the family and finances.

Plus the retirement or retirements will be split down the middle. Just use your hand, safest std free and won't hurt the family or pocket book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it's a one or two day trip neither of us has the "need" to have sex. But if we are apart for a week it is something we really look forward to. The day my DH returns I make sure not to get burned out on mommy duties. It takes a little planning but it's well worth it. No laundry, a simple kids dinner are both part of it. I travel on business as well and I know there are temptations. I want my DH to know that when he is away a long time that there is someone at home who will rock his world.

Yet another lovely wife...I went wrong somewhere. Time to move on.

Did you consider women who wanted sex on the first or second date "not marriage material"? Because we're the ones who actually like sex.

And I'll bet you're the one that cheats on your husband too.

How about people compromise in a marriage instead of forcing something on the other. Usually there's always a compromise.

Nope, twenty years next month and have never cheated. I do find it interesting that you associate liking sex with being unfaithful, though. That says a lot more about you than it does about me.

That's not it. I thought you were the woman that goes on business trips and cheats on her husband. She's on all the cheating threads talking about her low sex drive husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You're not talking about ethics, you're talking about convenience. Don't get the two confused. It's more CONVENIENT to keep everything in tact because god forbid, you had to strike out on your own and you couldn't live off your spouses money, or god forbid you had to split your assets. So, it's not an ethical decision, it's a convenient one. And ethically speaking, cheating on your spouse isn't really in the realm of ethical.

Cheating on your spouse who isn't interested in sex is a heck of a lot more ethical than cheating your kids out of financial and emotional security because you divorced over a lack of sex.

Or, you know, if you don't want to get cheated on, have sex with your spouse.

Or if you don't want to get screwed financially don't cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

Another man in your shoes, exactly. I think I am older than you, my kids are no longer young, and the sexual part of our marriage has always been lukewarm since the kids came. Sometimes, its decent 1x a week, sometimes its mercy sex 2x a month.

Here's what gives: women have sex because they have sex hormones. Those women that hit on you and I when we are out? Sex hormones. Your wife doesn't have much of them, neither does mine. When she has glimpses of them, we have sex. When she doesn't have them, she might agree to have sex because it's been a while and she feels guilty.

I have acted the jerk, acted the nice guy, been in amazing shape, gained a few pounds, been around the house a lot and worked late for weeks. There is zero correlation between how I act, look, behave, and her desire to have sex. It's hormones.

As a woman believe me there's a lot of correlation. I will guarantee it's not hormones. She's either not attracted to you anymore, or never was. She was never crazy about sex to begin with, and/or she's held grudges for past things that's happened. Doubtful she'll ever tell you, but the hormone thing pads the real reason. I know women that stayed with a spouse that cheated because they had to but secretly loathed them.

So what do you expect men to do whose wives have lost attraction? Assuming the man hasn't become out of shape or anything different?

Get a divorce. Seriously. I don't understand this fascination with condemning yourself to a life of misery. There is nothing wrong with being high-drive or low-drive. Just find someone compatible. I just don't see why people constantly try to fit a round peg into a square hole, and then amazingly, don't understand why they are miserable! There is no right or wrong. Just different. But it's still pretty simple: low-drive, find a low-drive partner. High drive? Find a high drive partner. Since sex seems to be such an integral part of a relationship, it seems pretty silly to be in a sexually non-compatible relationship. If you wanted 3 kids, would date someone that didn't want kids at all?? Come on people. Common sense here. And for those of you who think - oh, well, how was I supposed to know? Don't get MARRIED UNTIL YOU KNOW! Know who you are marrying!

Um, we have kids. No one with kids gets divorced lightly. Seems to me the compromise if mom and dad can't agree on sex is to outsource it, and keep the family home intact. Much more ethical to get your needs met discreetly elsewhere than to break up the family and finances.

Another PP here. I agree but I dare to say that not a lot of others will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Good advice. And good balance. It really shouldn't be only about the sex the guy needs/wants to reconnect; for many women the emotional reconnection is what is important. In good marriages, both are a priority.

We have talked about this and my DW says that too. I regularly try to strengthen that emotional connection between us. But that's not the whole story. I'm in shape, eat healthy (with her so are in this new health kick together), I indeed do half of the house work (all the dishes, 1/2 of the laundry, grocery shopping - and we both add things to the list), deal with the finances (taxes, investments, savings) while she does more of the shuttling around of the kids. I also earn 6x as much as she does - my salary, however, does come at a price (my work hours and demands are simply more). She says she has a strong desire for me, a high drive. I take her on a date every week - I choose the place and make the reservations. I engage with our 3 kids every night (they are all pre-teen/teens), do homework/projects if they need help, help them prepare for tests (I'm the one they come to for all academic school related help). I communicate with her every day - little texts saying "I love you" or just a simple "thank you" if she did something that helped me out.

I can assure you I'm not the only man in this situation, so what gives? This is what many of us struggle to understand. We seem to be doing all the right things, but there's nothing that we get back to meet our needs. So the alternative is what, to act like a jerk because jerks and assholes get laid?

Another man in your shoes, exactly. I think I am older than you, my kids are no longer young, and the sexual part of our marriage has always been lukewarm since the kids came. Sometimes, its decent 1x a week, sometimes its mercy sex 2x a month.

Here's what gives: women have sex because they have sex hormones. Those women that hit on you and I when we are out? Sex hormones. Your wife doesn't have much of them, neither does mine. When she has glimpses of them, we have sex. When she doesn't have them, she might agree to have sex because it's been a while and she feels guilty.

I have acted the jerk, acted the nice guy, been in amazing shape, gained a few pounds, been around the house a lot and worked late for weeks. There is zero correlation between how I act, look, behave, and her desire to have sex. It's hormones.

As a woman believe me there's a lot of correlation. I will guarantee it's not hormones. She's either not attracted to you anymore, or never was. She was never crazy about sex to begin with, and/or she's held grudges for past things that's happened. Doubtful she'll ever tell you, but the hormone thing pads the real reason. I know women that stayed with a spouse that cheated because they had to but secretly loathed them.

So what do you expect men to do whose wives have lost attraction? Assuming the man hasn't become out of shape or anything different?

Get a divorce. Seriously. I don't understand this fascination with condemning yourself to a life of misery. There is nothing wrong with being high-drive or low-drive. Just find someone compatible. I just don't see why people constantly try to fit a round peg into a square hole, and then amazingly, don't understand why they are miserable! There is no right or wrong. Just different. But it's still pretty simple: low-drive, find a low-drive partner. High drive? Find a high drive partner. Since sex seems to be such an integral part of a relationship, it seems pretty silly to be in a sexually non-compatible relationship. If you wanted 3 kids, would date someone that didn't want kids at all?? Come on people. Common sense here. And for those of you who think - oh, well, how was I supposed to know? Don't get MARRIED UNTIL YOU KNOW! Know who you are marrying!

My husband told me we'd have more sex once we were married, and living in the same house. Too embarrassed to admit that once or maybe twice a week vanilla sex was all he's ever wanted. The men I had dated before I met him had all had normal, high drives so when I complained about our lack of intimacy and he assured me it would get better, how was I to know that he didn't even realize his drive was lower than the average guy's?

It's not his job to understand that, it's yours. You knew better. But you married anyways. The bigger point really, is that people know who they marry. They may put blinders on because they are in love, but if you look back, you know what you married. No point in complaining about it now. People don't change, their perceptions change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this thinking that women are just blow up dolls who should put out whenever their husbands want. Do you really want to have sex with someone who is tired, cranky, and just plain not in the mood?

I don't get the sense that people are saying that at all. I think a lot of people are struggling with the notion that this woman is upset that her husband is still attracted to her and, more generally, that a DW thinks it is a bad thing that the DH wants to actually have sex with the person he married and promised to forsake all others for.

Whether all you new age wives want to believe it or not, physical intimacy is important to many people - much more important than doing that last load of laundry. It is about priorities and if having a lasting physical connection to your mate is not your thing, then you better make sure he is ok with it too. Celibacy by unilateral decision NEVER ends well.

No they are saying she better jump in bed the night he comes home, even when she is tired and not in the mood, or he will start cheating.

No one is saying anything about celibacy including OP. Just because she doesn't want to have sex the first night or two after he gets back doesn't mean they never have sex.

lol No kidding. Some miserable people out there and the cheaters are the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You're not talking about ethics, you're talking about convenience. Don't get the two confused. It's more CONVENIENT to keep everything in tact because god forbid, you had to strike out on your own and you couldn't live off your spouses money, or god forbid you had to split your assets. So, it's not an ethical decision, it's a convenient one. And ethically speaking, cheating on your spouse isn't really in the realm of ethical.

Cheating on your spouse who isn't interested in sex is a heck of a lot more ethical than cheating your kids out of financial and emotional security because you divorced over a lack of sex.

Or, you know, if you don't want to get cheated on, have sex with your spouse.

Or if you don't want to get screwed financially don't cheat.

This is a roundabout argument. I understand both sides. If you don't want to get cheated on, have sex with your spouse. However, I also understand the camp that says, why should I have to force myself to have sex when I don't want to... There is no winner. Which, is why I say. Find someone you are sexually compatible with.

Case in point, I dated a girl for a bit who only did two positions. Never gave blow jobs, and really wasn't that interested in sex. WE BROKE UP. I didn't try to change her or trick myself into believing that it would get better. And there was nothing wrong with her decision to stick to two positions or to have a low drive. We just weren't compatible. Simple. Found someone who shared my sexual needs, and she found someone who shared her sexual needs. No biggie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this thinking that women are just blow up dolls who should put out whenever their husbands want. Do you really want to have sex with someone who is tired, cranky, and just plain not in the mood?

I don't get the sense that people are saying that at all. I think a lot of people are struggling with the notion that this woman is upset that her husband is still attracted to her and, more generally, that a DW thinks it is a bad thing that the DH wants to actually have sex with the person he married and promised to forsake all others for.

Whether all you new age wives want to believe it or not, physical intimacy is important to many people - much more important than doing that last load of laundry. It is about priorities and if having a lasting physical connection to your mate is not your thing, then you better make sure he is ok with it too. Celibacy by unilateral decision NEVER ends well.

No they are saying she better jump in bed the night he comes home, even when she is tired and not in the mood, or he will start cheating.

No one is saying anything about celibacy including OP. Just because she doesn't want to have sex the first night or two after he gets back doesn't mean they never have sex.

lol No kidding. Some miserable people out there and the cheaters are the worst.

+1

Bunch of sad sacks.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I do the same, I think it is lovely. I would be worried if that changed all of a sudden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand this thinking that women are just blow up dolls who should put out whenever their husbands want. Do you really want to have sex with someone who is tired, cranky, and just plain not in the mood?

I don't get the sense that people are saying that at all. I think a lot of people are struggling with the notion that this woman is upset that her husband is still attracted to her and, more generally, that a DW thinks it is a bad thing that the DH wants to actually have sex with the person he married and promised to forsake all others for.

Whether all you new age wives want to believe it or not, physical intimacy is important to many people - much more important than doing that last load of laundry. It is about priorities and if having a lasting physical connection to your mate is not your thing, then you better make sure he is ok with it too. Celibacy by unilateral decision NEVER ends well.

No they are saying she better jump in bed the night he comes home, even when she is tired and not in the mood, or he will start cheating.

No one is saying anything about celibacy including OP. Just because she doesn't want to have sex the first night or two after he gets back doesn't mean they never have sex.

lol No kidding. Some miserable people out there and the cheaters are the worst.

I am the PP above. I am actually not miserable at all because I am getting some on the regular. My DH is attracted to me, wants to have sex with me and I *GASP* welcome it. As with anything, the spurned spouse's reaction will depend on the way the message is delivered. "Honey, I am exhausted because of 4 days with the kids, give me until the weekend and I am going to put in you right." Cool. "Damn, I am not your blow up doll. I am NOT in the mood!!!" Not cool! But reaching the point where the thought of having sex with him on a given night leads you to vent on the Internet, I am not sure that is a good sign.