<vent> Why does DH always think we'll have sex when he comes back from business trips?

[Anonymous]

Consider this a divergence of focus during the time he's away. When he's away, no, he's not thinking about laundry or daycare pick up and drop off. If he's traveling for work, he's probably thinking about work. On the way home, he has time to transition between his work mentality and an "excited to be home" mentality. You, on the other hand, do not have a transition. Your mentality is "children, grocery shopping, laundry, etc." and when he comes home, your "excited for him to be home" mentality is probably driven a lot by relief that he will be able to help you with some of the tasks you've been juggling.

I have been there. What I have done is asked DH to text me when he gets back into town (knowing that he will be home in 30-40 minutes depending on whether he's on the train or at DCA). When I get that text, I stop the domestic stuff to the extent possible and just relax. Set kids up with an activity of some kind that doesn't require a lot of supervision. Sit back and have a glass of wine or cup of tea. Freshen up a little. In my experience, when he gets home, I am no longer harried and feeling like I just need a break. We also table conversations about home logistics stuff until the following morning unless there's something that truly can't wait and just enjoy each other's company. Sometimes sex is involved, sometimes not, but the transitional period is really, really important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW would echo OP's sentiments. Perhaps she is OP.

What is super frustrating for me is how often I turn down other women who proposition me during business travel. Yes, it really happens, a lot. Then, I come home to someone who can't fathom sex with me.

Marriage is wonderful for lots of things, sex is not among them.

So what, I get hit on all the time. I don't think it means much except there are lots of awful people in the world, since I am obviously married.

She can't have 1 day to get some rest, you need to hump her at the door.

All of a sudden it means she can't "fathom sex with me".. me thinks your tampon is leaking.

PP here, to clarify: if OP just needs a day to recharge, then is ripping her DH's clothes off and having enthusiastic sex, then her request for down time is totally understandable. On the other hand, if the next day is the same as the last day, and sex is just another chore on the to-do list, then I can assure you her DH's days of being faithful are numbered (likely expired). I was projecting how my DW's libido acts on OP, but she could be different, who knows.

[Anonymous]

If it's a one or two day trip neither of us has the "need" to have sex. But if we are apart for a week it is something we really look forward to. The day my DH returns I make sure not to get burned out on mommy duties. It takes a little planning but it's well worth it. No laundry, a simple kids dinner are both part of it. I travel on business as well and I know there are temptations. I want my DH to know that when he is away a long time that there is someone at home who will rock his world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a wife, and I can't imagine not having sex with my husband the first night I am home from a business trip. Time to push past that fatigue, lady. And we have been together over 20 years, so I'm neither young nor in a new marriage.

Must be nice. One of us goes away we don't have sex for at least a week. Most times sex before either.
Non

[Anonymous]

I am sure DH will eventually get the message you're sending, and will make sure to have sex with someone else when he's on his trip so he doesn't have to bother you when he returns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's a one or two day trip neither of us has the "need" to have sex. But if we are apart for a week it is something we really look forward to. The day my DH returns I make sure not to get burned out on mommy duties. It takes a little planning but it's well worth it. No laundry, a simple kids dinner are both part of it. I travel on business as well and I know there are temptations. I want my DH to know that when he is away a long time that there is someone at home who will rock his world.

Yet another lovely wife...I went wrong somewhere. Time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a wife, and I can't imagine not having sex with my husband the first night I am home from a business trip. Time to push past that fatigue, lady. And we have been together over 20 years, so I'm neither young nor in a new marriage.

If there were more women like you, the world would be a better place.

My wife's libido will get derailed by ANY amount of fatigue/stress/whatever.

We're mid-30s, both healthy, and I give her Os.

-NP

Then she's foolish. I hope she can come around. My husband really can't but I accept that he's just lower energy. There is still hope for you two, as young as you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess because he believes you are his loving wife who cares about him, misses him, wants to be with him, and that you too might have some tiny shred of sexual desire?

This is what me, OP's husband, and all husbands want to believe.

Then, reality hits. It took me years to finally realize the woman I married is no longer the same woman. I can empathize with her sacrifice, her exhaustion, her need for alone time. But no amount of rational thought redirects the obvious: my wife would rather do almost anything rather than re-connect sexually with me.

I am so super jealous of those married couples who still want to sleep with each other, and don't need perfect conditions to do so. How wonderful married life must be for them!

I agree, and it's even worse when it's the husband who is less interested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess because he believes you are his loving wife who cares about him, misses him, wants to be with him, and that you too might have some tiny shred of sexual desire?

This is what me, OP's husband, and all husbands want to believe.

Then, reality hits. It took me years to finally realize the woman I married is no longer the same woman. I can empathize with her sacrifice, her exhaustion, her need for alone time. But no amount of rational thought redirects the obvious: my wife would rather do almost anything rather than re-connect sexually with me.

I am so super jealous of those married couples who still want to sleep with each other, and don't need perfect conditions to do so. How wonderful married life must be for them!

I agree, and it's even worse when it's the husband who is less interested.

LYou can't make someone want be attracted to you, they have to feel that already. Like the DH in the post, it took time for me to realize this as well. Everything else is top priority and income in last. No matter what approach I take it's the wrong one. I've given up in this front and if the opportunity presents itself for a women who wants to have sex with me comes up, I'll do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just need to tell him that when he walks in the house after a long business trip (I hope we are talking about more than 2 days here) that you need sleep, that you will go to bed early (he can put the kids to bed) and sleep in the next day and he should plan a day with the kids (since he obviously is a good father and what type of father does not miss his kids and want to spend a day with them after being gone), When he tires the kids out from the day, you will be ready for some lovin... he should probably get a babysitter so the kids are not in the way.

I am sure he can wait until the next night, not the minute he walks in the door, I mean he is not a neanderthal is he?

Communication!

Oh, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Please exit the stage, we have some lovely consolation prizes backstage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand he gets lonely and misses me. But does he understand that while he was sleeping in and not doing any laundry or dishes or any cooking or grocery shopping, that I was doing all of that and child care and pick up and drop off and the l.a.s.t. thing I am thinking about is sex, because all I want to do is get 12 hours of sleep?!!!

so you assume that while he's a on a business trip, he's just having fun and sleeping in? right. you have no clue how things work. and f*** your 12 hours lady, lest you want your husband f***ing someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a wife, and I can't imagine not having sex with my husband the first night I am home from a business trip. Time to push past that fatigue, lady. And we have been together over 20 years, so I'm neither young nor in a new marriage.

But you are a normal, well-adjusted human being in a happy, healthy marriage. My only question is why are you here. Charity work? Helping then less fortunate in your spare time? Good for you for telling it like it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DW would echo OP's sentiments. Perhaps she is OP.

What is super frustrating for me is how often I turn down other women who proposition me during business travel. Yes, it really happens, a lot. Then, I come home to someone who can't fathom sex with me.

Marriage is wonderful for lots of things, sex is not among them.

So what, I get hit on all the time. I don't think it means much except there are lots of awful people in the world, since I am obviously married.

She can't have 1 day to get some rest, you need to hump her at the door.

All of a sudden it means she can't "fathom sex with me".. me thinks your tampon is leaking.

Aren't you a treat. I feel sorry for the poor bastard that got saddled with you. No one mentioned humping at the door. The fact that he misses his wife and desires her when he returns should make the wife feel good. There are many women on this very board that are longing for that reaction from their H. She acts as if the business trip is a vacation. If you've ever been onna business trip, it can wear your ass out. I always look forward to my own bed when I get home

OP's DH will get frustrated or bored from OP's lack of interest/rejection. Initially, it will result in anger and arguments. There will be resentment. Finally, he will have a bad trip, walk innthe door and just think screw it, I'm too tired. Then he will lose interest in OP and find his pep in his step in leaving. 3 years from now, OP will be starting a thread about how she thinks he's cheating on her or about him filing for divorce and her being blindsided. The harpies will all have her back again. In the deepest recesses of her mind, she will remember this thread and remember this prediction and know that Yes! She could have fixed this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consider this a divergence of focus during the time he's away. When he's away, no, he's not thinking about laundry or daycare pick up and drop off. If he's traveling for work, he's probably thinking about work. On the way home, he has time to transition between his work mentality and an "excited to be home" mentality. You, on the other hand, do not have a transition. Your mentality is "children, grocery shopping, laundry, etc." and when he comes home, your "excited for him to be home" mentality is probably driven a lot by relief that he will be able to help you with some of the tasks you've been juggling.

I have been there. What I have done is asked DH to text me when he gets back into town (knowing that he will be home in 30-40 minutes depending on whether he's on the train or at DCA). When I get that text, I stop the domestic stuff to the extent possible and just relax. Set kids up with an activity of some kind that doesn't require a lot of supervision. Sit back and have a glass of wine or cup of tea. Freshen up a little. In my experience, when he gets home, I am no longer harried and feeling like I just need a break. We also table conversations about home logistics stuff until the following morning unless there's something that truly can't wait and just enjoy each other's company. Sometimes sex is involved, sometimes not, but the transitional period is really, really important.

Great advice, great perspective and self-evaluation. You are a intelligent and impressive woman.

[Anonymous]

haha I feel the same way OP.

When he gets back, it's mama's turn to relax!