Talk me out of an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP of this thread here, back after 5 years. We have seen each other only occasionally, not at all during the pandemic, but kept in touch every few months. The feelings resurfaced every time. Then we spent 4 days at a work event a few weeks ago and ended up finally talking about it. Neither of us wants to destroy either family and we are not going to hook up. But having confirmation that the feeling was mutual all these years has made it tough not to think about it in the days since. I reread the whole thread and it's striking how similar things are 5 years later, from the chemistry down to the weight loss after having this recent and prolonged contact.

One poster mentioned something about looking for things missing in ourselves in the other person, and perhaps there's some truth to that. I will explore more with a therapist. If anyone has suggestions for a good therapist in VA especially (I live in Arlington), I would be grateful.

The fact that you’re thinking about it means you’re going to do it one day and cheat. Just get divorced now. Feel bad for your husband. The fact that you bumped this thread after 5 years says it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say this out loud: "Suzy (or whatever your name is) just stop. This isn't going to happen because protecting Bob (or whatever your spouse's name is) from getting hurt is way more important than a silly infatuation that will go away."

Make a decision that this isn't going to happen, that you won't be alone with him and that this isn't who you are. In other words, grow up.

That’s mouthful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree don't rush things with the other guy, but when will she have another opportunity like this in her life? Life is short and it will feel really good.

Women in their 40s are staring down the barrel of death, essentially. OP will soon lose sexual desire and sexual desirability. It’s hard to pass up your last chance to feel these things again. It’s natural to want a new partner after many years with your DH. I think if OP can take every precaution and not do it in her hometown and ensure no feelings would develop, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to do. People are capable of compartmentalizing and keeping a bit of themselves to themselves. Women lose their sexual desire with the same partner for too long. If OP wants to dip her toe in the water and see what happens, it’s hard for me to judge her for that. It would probably even rekindle her desire overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree don't rush things with the other guy, but when will she have another opportunity like this in her life? Life is short and it will feel really good.

Women in their 40s are staring down the barrel of death, essentially. OP will soon lose sexual desire and sexual desirability. It’s hard to pass up your last chance to feel these things again. It’s natural to want a new partner after many years with your DH. I think if OP can take every precaution and not do it in her hometown and ensure no feelings would develop, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to do. People are capable of compartmentalizing and keeping a bit of themselves to themselves. Women lose their sexual desire with the same partner for too long. If OP wants to dip her toe in the water and see what happens, it’s hard for me to judge her for that. It would probably even rekindle her desire overall.

LOLz! You gotta be kidding me. This sounds like the written rant of a red piller bound and determined to define women’s worth by age, desirability, and libido.
40s is far from death for most women and women outlive men by far. OP, you know what to do. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree don't rush things with the other guy, but when will she have another opportunity like this in her life? Life is short and it will feel really good.

Women in their 40s are staring down the barrel of death, essentially. OP will soon lose sexual desire and sexual desirability. It’s hard to pass up your last chance to feel these things again. It’s natural to want a new partner after many years with your DH. I think if OP can take every precaution and not do it in her hometown and ensure no feelings would develop, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to do. People are capable of compartmentalizing and keeping a bit of themselves to themselves. Women lose their sexual desire with the same partner for too long. If OP wants to dip her toe in the water and see what happens, it’s hard for me to judge her for that. It would probably even rekindle her desire overall.

LOLz! You gotta be kidding me. This sounds like the written rant of a red piller bound and determined to define women’s worth by age, desirability, and libido.
40s is far from death for most women and women outlive men by far. OP, you know what to do. Good luck.

It’s written from the perspective of a 45 year old woman who has lost her libido and is in crisis about it. My love and sex life have been central to me since I was a teen and it’s unsettling. Only, I know it can be reawakened outside of my marriage and I’m really struggling with how to keep going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12:05 again. If it's not enough to just do the right thing, know this: if you have an affair, it will not end well, no matter how it goes. If one of you falls for the other, but it's not reciprocated - no good. If either of your spouses find out - no good. If you fall in love with each other and decide to divorce your respective spouses, you will always have guilt, and probably the scorn of more than a few people. There is no positive outcome from an affair, ultimately.

This. Exactly. You don't mention children, but if you have children, they will find out sooner or later and you will lose their respect for the rest of your life. And are you ready for friends, family, co-workers, etc. to whisper behind your back until the end of time that you are cheater? For scandal to follow you like a cloud? Many friends will have nothing to do with you once they know.

I won't argue that affairs are destructive but I think you overestimate how much other people will care. No one will whisper behind your back until the end of time. People are way too focused on their own lives to care about what you did or didn't do. Nothing will follow you like a cloud and your friends won't care. We just aren't that important to anyone else.

Also, if I found out either of my parents cheated, it wouldn't change how I feel about them in the slightest.

Honestly, this isn’t true. I may not whisper behind someone’s back, but finding out someone cheated on a spouse permanently lowers the level of respect, trust and friendship I have for that person. Depending on the circumstances, I may end the friendship or demote the friendship or distance myself in other ways. Cheating is a character issue that is rarely isolated to the cheating relationship. The same character flaws that cause a person to cheat make ripples in other relationships.

Note - I don’t think mere attraction or friendship is cheating. It is human to seek and respond to connection - it is what you do with that that can become cheating and is reflective of character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree don't rush things with the other guy, but when will she have another opportunity like this in her life? Life is short and it will feel really good.

Women in their 40s are staring down the barrel of death, essentially. OP will soon lose sexual desire and sexual desirability. It’s hard to pass up your last chance to feel these things again. It’s natural to want a new partner after many years with your DH. I think if OP can take every precaution and not do it in her hometown and ensure no feelings would develop, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to do. People are capable of compartmentalizing and keeping a bit of themselves to themselves. Women lose their sexual desire with the same partner for too long. If OP wants to dip her toe in the water and see what happens, it’s hard for me to judge her for that. It would probably even rekindle her desire overall.

LOLz! You gotta be kidding me. This sounds like the written rant of a red piller bound and determined to define women’s worth by age, desirability, and libido.
40s is far from death for most women and women outlive men by far. OP, you know what to do. Good luck.

It’s written from the perspective of a 45 year old woman who has lost her libido and is in crisis about it. My love and sex life have been central to me since I was a teen and it’s unsettling. Only, I know it can be reawakened outside of my marriage and I’m really struggling with how to keep going.

Nay ! You're just immature and going through a mis life crisis. What you'll find out is your golden boy isn't all that great

But go have your affair.

It's clear that's what you want to do
People with any morals don't need to be talked out of affairs.

People who don't want to hurt their families.

Don't spend 4 days flirting with other people exchanging info and talking about if only

If you weren't a clown you would have got therapy 5 years ago, but you're an attention seeking clown
.

So go make your clown choices and come back here crying when it all blows up.
🤡

Hers your red nose

[Anonymous]

NP. Your assumptions are not true. People do not care about affairs.

Another NP. “People” definitely do because I’m one and I do. So do all the people I surround myself with. Cheaters like to believe that no one rose has character either but they are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP of this thread here, back after 5 years. We have seen each other only occasionally, not at all during the pandemic, but kept in touch every few months. The feelings resurfaced every time. Then we spent 4 days at a work event a few weeks ago and ended up finally talking about it. Neither of us wants to destroy either family and we are not going to hook up. But having confirmation that the feeling was mutual all these years has made it tough not to think about it in the days since. I reread the whole thread and it's striking how similar things are 5 years later, from the chemistry down to the weight loss after having this recent and prolonged contact.

One poster mentioned something about looking for things missing in ourselves in the other person, and perhaps there's some truth to that. I will explore more with a therapist. If anyone has suggestions for a good therapist in VA especially (I live in Arlington), I would be grateful.

How is your marriage post pandemic?

It's great. We're perhaps intimate less than we'd like because we have been exhausted with work and childcare but it's not like we're not finding any time for it.

That’s good. I would prioritize making time for intimacy. The more you have sex with your husband the more that will put the unreality of the other situation into relief. Also, put some effort into making sure it’s amazing sex for you. Whatever that means to you. Maybe do some things you’ve never done before. Try to really express that side of you with your husband. If the marriage is good it’s worth the effort… and you may find you’ve been making room for these fantasies due to missing the connection with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree don't rush things with the other guy, but when will she have another opportunity like this in her life? Life is short and it will feel really good.

Women in their 40s are staring down the barrel of death, essentially. OP will soon lose sexual desire and sexual desirability. It’s hard to pass up your last chance to feel these things again. It’s natural to want a new partner after many years with your DH. I think if OP can take every precaution and not do it in her hometown and ensure no feelings would develop, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to do. People are capable of compartmentalizing and keeping a bit of themselves to themselves. Women lose their sexual desire with the same partner for too long. If OP wants to dip her toe in the water and see what happens, it’s hard for me to judge her for that. It would probably even rekindle her desire overall.

LOLz! You gotta be kidding me. This sounds like the written rant of a red piller bound and determined to define women’s worth by age, desirability, and libido.
40s is far from death for most women and women outlive men by far. OP, you know what to do. Good luck.

It’s written from the perspective of a 45 year old woman who has lost her libido and is in crisis about it. My love and sex life have been central to me since I was a teen and it’s unsettling. Only, I know it can be reawakened outside of my marriage and I’m really struggling with how to keep going.

Nay ! You're just immature and going through a mis life crisis. What you'll find out is your golden boy isn't all that great

But go have your affair.

It's clear that's what you want to do
People with any morals don't need to be talked out of affairs.

People who don't want to hurt their families.

Don't spend 4 days flirting with other people exchanging info and talking about if only

If you weren't a clown you would have got therapy 5 years ago, but you're an attention seeking clown
.

So go make your clown choices and come back here crying when it all blows up.
🤡

Hers your red nose

The PP is not OP and also you're not reading, you're just overreacting. Calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree don't rush things with the other guy, but when will she have another opportunity like this in her life? Life is short and it will feel really good.

Women in their 40s are staring down the barrel of death, essentially. OP will soon lose sexual desire and sexual desirability. It’s hard to pass up your last chance to feel these things again. It’s natural to want a new partner after many years with your DH. I think if OP can take every precaution and not do it in her hometown and ensure no feelings would develop, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to do. People are capable of compartmentalizing and keeping a bit of themselves to themselves. Women lose their sexual desire with the same partner for too long. If OP wants to dip her toe in the water and see what happens, it’s hard for me to judge her for that. It would probably even rekindle her desire overall.

LOLz! You gotta be kidding me. This sounds like the written rant of a red piller bound and determined to define women’s worth by age, desirability, and libido.
40s is far from death for most women and women outlive men by far. OP, you know what to do. Good luck.

It’s written from the perspective of a 45 year old woman who has lost her libido and is in crisis about it. My love and sex life have been central to me since I was a teen and it’s unsettling. Only, I know it can be reawakened outside of my marriage and I’m really struggling with how to keep going.

Nay ! You're just immature and going through a mis life crisis. What you'll find out is your golden boy isn't all that great

But go have your affair.

It's clear that's what you want to do
People with any morals don't need to be talked out of affairs.

People who don't want to hurt their families.

Don't spend 4 days flirting with other people exchanging info and talking about if only

If you weren't a clown you would have got therapy 5 years ago, but you're an attention seeking clown
.

So go make your clown choices and come back here crying when it all blows up.
🤡

Hers your red nose

The PP is not OP and also you're not reading, you're just overreacting. Calm down.

The PP is still a clown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree don't rush things with the other guy, but when will she have another opportunity like this in her life? Life is short and it will feel really good.

Women in their 40s are staring down the barrel of death, essentially. OP will soon lose sexual desire and sexual desirability. It’s hard to pass up your last chance to feel these things again. It’s natural to want a new partner after many years with your DH. I think if OP can take every precaution and not do it in her hometown and ensure no feelings would develop, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to do. People are capable of compartmentalizing and keeping a bit of themselves to themselves. Women lose their sexual desire with the same partner for too long. If OP wants to dip her toe in the water and see what happens, it’s hard for me to judge her for that. It would probably even rekindle her desire overall.

LOLz! You gotta be kidding me. This sounds like the written rant of a red piller bound and determined to define women’s worth by age, desirability, and libido.
40s is far from death for most women and women outlive men by far. OP, you know what to do. Good luck.

It’s written from the perspective of a 45 year old woman who has lost her libido and is in crisis about it. My love and sex life have been central to me since I was a teen and it’s unsettling. Only, I know it can be reawakened outside of my marriage and I’m really struggling with how to keep going.

I appreciate the response PP. I hope you figure it out.

I don't perceive any change yet, I recently turned 40.

[Anonymous]

My friend did this in her mid/late 40s. Thought it was oh so wonderful for several years. They were meticulous about covering their tracks.

His wife found out. She showed up at her house, Her husband and kids were home and found out. Her entire world imploded.

I don’t feel sorry for my friend. She hurt a lot of people and still can’t really accept that or see it. I pulled back from the friendship, She is still very self centered. Now she is 51 and still acting like a child, trying to garner Internet fame.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not a kid, you are a grown adult. Kids in the preschool get recess and to play around on the playground. They have loosely structured time because they need to explore the world and frankly are too immature and have too short of an attention span to handle structured tasks and responsibility. Over the years, a person is supposed to develop a greater and deeper capacity for handling obligations and perseverance toward worthwhile goals. Those can include being a faithful partner, a good parent, a reliable worker, a productive citizen. Cheating on your spouse - a person you concede is a good spouse - fits in absolutely nowhere with being a grown adult that people respect. It is the polar opposite.

So, even if you aren’t considering the fallout to your good spouse and kids over the time you are wasting ruminating over Mr. Fantasy Man (if you scratched beneath the surface you’ll undoubtedly will find out he’s just another middle aged schmuck like the rest of us), at least consider that what you are pining over will destroy your self-respect if you go through with it. You will go from “wife” to “cheater” just like that. In an instant all the hard work you’ve done to grow into an adult worthy of respect will be gone. You will become a joke, if only to yourself. Don’t become a joke. You are better than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not a kid, you are a grown adult. Kids in the preschool get recess and to play around on the playground. They have loosely structured time because they need to explore the world and frankly are too immature and have too short of an attention span to handle structured tasks and responsibility. Over the years, a person is supposed to develop a greater and deeper capacity for handling obligations and perseverance toward worthwhile goals. Those can include being a faithful partner, a good parent, a reliable worker, a productive citizen. Cheating on your spouse - a person you concede is a good spouse - fits in absolutely nowhere with being a grown adult that people respect. It is the polar opposite.

So, even if you aren’t considering the fallout to your good spouse and kids over the time you are wasting ruminating over Mr. Fantasy Man (if you scratched beneath the surface you’ll undoubtedly will find out he’s just another middle aged schmuck like the rest of us), at least consider that what you are pining over will destroy your self-respect if you go through with it. You will go from “wife” to “cheater” just like that. In an instant all the hard work you’ve done to grow into an adult worthy of respect will be gone. You will become a joke, if only to yourself. Don’t become a joke. You are better than that.

I totally agree. I'm not going to cheat. I know it's hard for posters not to jump to conclusions but truly it's not going to happen. I was actually asking for ways to get through the dopamine or whatever it is (since obviously the "it'll just fade with time" approach didn't work) and am looking into talking with a therapist (hence the question for recommendations). Temptation is a fact of life and how you handle it is what counts. I think it's important to understand what's happening and why, and find strategies that work to minimize these feelings. Thanks for your post.