Talk me out of an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your DH. Nothing quite like fanning the flames of desire by keeping a secret. In a long marriage, both of you will have temptations. You should be able to turn to each other to help you through. I had a crush on a new guy I worked with. Not quite the electricity you two had, but a crush none-the-less. I told DH and we joked around about it. Made me feel 1000% better that I wasn't keeping a secret. It also felt nice that our marriage is strong enough that he wasn't worried at all about me cheating.

I'm sorry, but most husbands would not find it a joking manner. We are not wired that way. No guy wants to hear that his wife has a huge crush on some guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in a very similary situation as you (except I was harboring some (deserved) resentment for my husband, but all in all, he's a good person, we had a stable, good marriage). I had the affair.

I can't say I regret it (I don't. I still don't) But I can say it has really really wrecked my marriage. We are working on it, but it is very very very difficult. Yes, I fell for the guy, I initiated, we went for it. When I write this out I look like a jerk, having fallen for a guy, don't regret it, still married. But, children, and a long history of a stable, good marriage.

But if your marriage is in a good place, do not do it. As PPs have said, your marriage can recover, it will never be the same, for both you and your spouse. You'll never love your spouse the same way, and vice versa.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You had a good marriage, but you cheated, crushed him and have no regret. I have news for you: You did not have a good marriage.

Because in a good marriage, you would not have cheated and even if you did, you sure as hell would regret it.

You are cold, evil and actually in a very shitty marriage.

So funny that you say that. There is a contingent here who will insist that the marriage is FINE, a person can be happily married and still cheat, and it is the cheater who is a twisted, broken, evil person.

So, what is it, DCUM. Was my marriage FINE or was it FUCKED? Make up your collective mind. I'd say both, actually, but that is way too nuanced for a message board.

I think any marriage with an affair is not fine. There is no way you can convince me that this betrayal, deception happens in a good marriage. Maybe it is the case that once that stuff happens the marriage goes from good to bad. And I happen to believe most cheaters are more broken and sad than evil.

[Anonymous]

You have a great husband you love very much. Don't be an idiot. They are much more difficult to find than lust and a few "meetings".
Stay away from him. Not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Read the book " Not just friends" by Shirley Glass.
I have been in your shoes and it did not end well. It never does. Keep your distance from this guy. Refocus that energy on your marriage. Go to
Www.survivinginfidelity.com. They have a healing library with articles and a forum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a great husband you love very much. Don't be an idiot. They are much more difficult to find than lust and a few "meetings".
Stay away from him. Not worth it.

+ million.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it. Rush of desire is like a drug. Recognize that. It isn't real. Stay away from the guy.

[Anonymous]

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5024_qa.html

[Anonymous]

I agree don't rush things with the other guy, but when will she have another opportunity like this in her life? Life is short and it will feel really good.

[Anonymous]

I was in your shoes a few months ago and it passed by minimizing contact. Now it's so over I don't even need to minimize contact anymore. I did channel it into self care (hate that term but it's accurate) and my relationship with DH. For me it was a vanity issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12:05 again. If it's not enough to just do the right thing, know this: if you have an affair, it will not end well, no matter how it goes. If one of you falls for the other, but it's not reciprocated - no good. If either of your spouses find out - no good. If you fall in love with each other and decide to divorce your respective spouses, you will always have guilt, and probably the scorn of more than a few people. There is no positive outcome from an affair, ultimately.

This. Exactly. You don't mention children, but if you have children, they will find out sooner or later and you will lose their respect for the rest of your life. And are you ready for friends, family, co-workers, etc. to whisper behind your back until the end of time that you are cheater? For scandal to follow you like a cloud? Many friends will have nothing to do with you once they know.

I won't argue that affairs are destructive but I think you overestimate how much other people will care. No one will whisper behind your back until the end of time. People are way too focused on their own lives to care about what you did or didn't do. Nothing will follow you like a cloud and your friends won't care. We just aren't that important to anyone else.

Also, if I found out either of my parents cheated, it wouldn't change how I feel about them in the slightest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What works for me: forcing myself to.viduslize DGs reaction, to consider what a divorce would look.like, to imagine my kids shuttling back and forth, to imagine DH falling in love with someone else, to imagine seeing his family and to feel his and my children's pain. So instead I use those flirtatious possibilities as a little added food for thought in the bedroom (that won't hurt DH, he benefits).

This is what I do. I haven't cheated, nor will I. However, I've been very attracted to someone I know through work for a long time. In the past year the feelings have deepened - I'm pretty sure on both sides. So I have cut back on the working coffees and meals that led me down that emotional path (we have different employers but work on two projects together) and I go out of my way to add other people to meetings we have to do.

I haven't yet managed to stop feeling what I do, but I have used it as a way to focus on how central this marriage is to my child's life. So I have made lemonade by acting out my sexual fantasies with my husband. He has no idea to whom he owes my increased drive.

In my case, it also helps immensely to consider how terrible it would be to ruin the other person's life. My friend is a wonderful human being and a great dad. Most people who meet him only see the successful man he is today but knowing him better, I'm aware he's overcome massive obstacles, including getting hurt by an ex wife who left him to someone else. I can tell he's attracted to me but even if I was crazy enough to risk my own marriage, there's no way in the world I'd put him in a position to make a mistake that would hurt his family the way he was hurt-- and then leave him to deal with the guilt and pain. Perplexingly, it's because I deeply care about and admire this man -- probably even love him -- that I could never cheat with him. I have to choose between being with him and deserving him. And I'd choose the latter.

So...it sometimes feels a little sad. I'm sure I'd have chosen my friend over the man I married if both had been interested when I was single. I have no idea what he'd have done.

But that's completely beside the point. And I think the bitter sweet feeling of caring deeply for someone, along with the racing heart you get from new attractions, can coexist with a faithful marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:05 again. If it's not enough to just do the right thing, know this: if you have an affair, it will not end well, no matter how it goes. If one of you falls for the other, but it's not reciprocated - no good. If either of your spouses find out - no good. If you fall in love with each other and decide to divorce your respective spouses, you will always have guilt, and probably the scorn of more than a few people. There is no positive outcome from an affair, ultimately.

Op this person is exactly right. I've been in an affair for years and there is no way out now except through pain.

Also, consider that it might not be something missing in your marriage, but something missing in you. Esther Perel says we see in our affair partner something we want to be. Watch her Ted talk on infidelity.

[Anonymous]

OP, your heart is leading you and not your head. Is this your normal attachment style? Think about changing it to something a bit more based on learning from observing this guy's behavior....slowly.

[Anonymous]

Your marriage isn't good if you'd consider cheating.

Once you go down that road of an affair--even a kiss, in my opinion--you can't go back. The permanent consequences are irreversible. You'll either carry a secret with you forever will will slowly poison your marriage from the inside out, or you'll come clean and never fully be trusted again. NOTHING good will happen. Nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

In my case, it also helps immensely to consider how terrible it would be to ruin the other person's life. My friend is a wonderful human being and a great dad. Most people who meet him only see the successful man he is today but knowing him better, I'm aware he's overcome massive obstacles, including getting hurt by an ex wife who left him to someone else. I can tell he's attracted to me but even if I was crazy enough to risk my own marriage, there's no way in the world I'd put him in a position to make a mistake that would hurt his family the way he was hurt-- and then leave him to deal with the guilt and pain. Perplexingly, it's because I deeply care about and admire this man -- probably even love him -- that I could never cheat with him. I have to choose between being with him and deserving him. And I'd choose the latter.

So...it sometimes feels a little sad. I'm sure I'd have chosen my friend over the man I married if both had been interested when I was single. I have no idea what he'd have done.

But that's completely beside the point. And I think the bitter sweet feeling of caring deeply for someone, along with the racing heart you get from new attractions, can coexist with a faithful marriage.

OP here. Thanks for this perspective (and all the other experiences, and the links to resources). This is how I feel as well, and it's how I've been able to resist temptation in the past. This one is just a doozy.

As for why this is happening, on reflection, I think it's because this man and I have something in common that I don't share with my husband (a long-term, high-stress past experience, although we didn't know each other at that time). So in a way I feel this guy automatically gets a part of me that my husband can't really detect. Of course, I'm sure it would just be a matter of time that I'd find out how many more things I share with my husband than with this man... DH and I also definitely have a deep connection, which is why I'm so glad I didn't settle for any of my exes.

The insanity is already less intense than when I first posted. Today DCUM feels like a supportive community. Thankfully I don't have to see this man until April, so I hope that by then I will just roll my eyes at my current self.