Talk me out of an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Met someone last year through work, and fell for him gradually over the past few months as we realized how much we share in terms of interest, sense of humor, values, etc. He's super tall but not that good looking, so it's not physical infatuation for me (i.e. it's worse). We are both happily married. Last week, we went out for a dinner that was meant to be work-related, but we each had a couple of drinks, shared a dessert, laughed, talked about our lives, and accidentally touched hands at one point. Nothing more happened. Except that now I can't stop thinking about it, haven't eaten much in a week, and and am both hoping he never contacts me again and checking my phone for email and messages.

I have a great husband whom I love very much. I have never cheated on anyone and I've dated a lot and had my fair share of serious relationships before settling down. I've been tempted before and didn't have much trouble resisting. I think there is always a choice and a decision has to be made to cheat, but I'm finding it very hard to think rationally right now. I thought I would never be in a situation where I couldn't stop thinking about someone, especially while in a fulfilling marriage. This feels like some sort of drug that I can't come down from. Please help me regain rational thought.

If this is the real, deal truth, then no need to go any further. If you are, I'm questioning what is actually missing from your marraige that is prompting you to look outside the marriage. What I will say from experience is that while some recover from an affair the damage will never be undone. Sure, you can move on and make peace with it, but you're marriage will NEVER be the same. Talk to a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I have a great husband whom I love very much.

If this is the real, deal truth, then no need to go any further. If you are, I'm questioning what is actually missing from your marraige that is prompting you to look outside the marriage. What I will say from experience is that while some recover from an affair the damage will never be undone. Sure, you can move on and make peace with it, but you're marriage will NEVER be the same. Talk to a therapist.

It's real and I really was not looking. I am considering talking to a therapist but I think I would have trouble even articulating these feelings in the context of a confidential relationship. I am also trying to focus on the long term and how I would feel if the tables were turned...

Still, this is surprisingly difficult.

[Anonymous]

I was in a very similary situation as you (except I was harboring some (deserved) resentment for my husband, but all in all, he's a good person, we had a stable, good marriage). I had the affair.

I can't say I regret it (I don't. I still don't) But I can say it has really really wrecked my marriage. We are working on it, but it is very very very difficult. Yes, I fell for the guy, I initiated, we went for it. When I write this out I look like a jerk, having fallen for a guy, don't regret it, still married. But, children, and a long history of a stable, good marriage.

But if your marriage is in a good place, do not do it. As PPs have said, your marriage can recover, it will never be the same, for both you and your spouse. You'll never love your spouse the same way, and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

This too shall pass. Really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This too shall pass. Really.

This is what I'm hoping for!

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband had an affair with a coworker. I found out, he was humiliated, her husband was devastated, and fast forward a year later and I've left him. Our kids are in therapy, our youngest is having extreme anger issues that requires weekly visits.

His entire family knows what he did and is ashamed of him. He will carry that for the rest of his life. I haven't told my kids because that is my gift to them.... keeping them in the dark so they can have the best possible guilt free relationship with their father.

This is how these things go. Do you want to be involved in something like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This too shall pass. Really.

This is what I'm hoping for!

And if it doesn't watch The Affair on Showtime which can help you decide if you want to open a hornet's nest or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a very similary situation as you (except I was harboring some (deserved) resentment for my husband, but all in all, he's a good person, we had a stable, good marriage). I had the affair.

I can't say I regret it (I don't. I still don't) But I can say it has really really wrecked my marriage. We are working on it, but it is very very very difficult. Yes, I fell for the guy, I initiated, we went for it. When I write this out I look like a jerk, having fallen for a guy, don't regret it, still married. But, children, and a long history of a stable, good marriage.

But if your marriage is in a good place, do not do it. As PPs have said, your marriage can recover, it will never be the same, for both you and your spouse. You'll never love your spouse the same way, and vice versa.

You don't regret that you hurt your husband? That's very cold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Met someone last year through work, and fell for him gradually over the past few months as we realized how much we share in terms of interest, sense of humor, values, etc. He's super tall but not that good looking, so it's not physical infatuation for me (i.e. it's worse). We are both happily married. Last week, we went out for a dinner that was meant to be work-related, but we each had a couple of drinks, shared a dessert, laughed, talked about our lives, and accidentally touched hands at one point. Nothing more happened. Except that now I can't stop thinking about it, haven't eaten much in a week, and and am both hoping he never contacts me again and checking my phone for email and messages.

I have a great husband whom I love very much. I have never cheated on anyone and I've dated a lot and had my fair share of serious relationships before settling down. I've been tempted before and didn't have much trouble resisting. I think there is always a choice and a decision has to be made to cheat, but I'm finding it very hard to think rationally right now. I thought I would never be in a situation where I couldn't stop thinking about someone, especially while in a fulfilling marriage. This feels like some sort of drug that I can't come down from. Please help me regain rational thought.

You have a great husband whom you love very much. Why would you screw it up? Everyone at some point fantasizes about someone else and gets over it. Focus on your husband and your family and stay away from the guy. Don't wreck your life or try to wreck his.

[Anonymous]

What works for me: forcing myself to.viduslize DGs reaction, to consider what a divorce would look.like, to imagine my kids shuttling back and forth, to imagine DH falling in love with someone else, to imagine seeing his family and to feel his and my children's pain. So instead I use those flirtatious possibilities as a little added food for thought in the bedroom (that won't hurt DH, he benefits).

[Anonymous]

Tell your DH. Nothing quite like fanning the flames of desire by keeping a secret. In a long marriage, both of you will have temptations. You should be able to turn to each other to help you through. I had a crush on a new guy I worked with. Not quite the electricity you two had, but a crush none-the-less. I told DH and we joked around about it. Made me feel 1000% better that I wasn't keeping a secret. It also felt nice that our marriage is strong enough that he wasn't worried at all about me cheating.

[Anonymous]

OP here, this is all helping, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a very similary situation as you (except I was harboring some (deserved) resentment for my husband, but all in all, he's a good person, we had a stable, good marriage). I had the affair.

I can't say I regret it (I don't. I still don't) But I can say it has really really wrecked my marriage. We are working on it, but it is very very very difficult. Yes, I fell for the guy, I initiated, we went for it. When I write this out I look like a jerk, having fallen for a guy, don't regret it, still married. But, children, and a long history of a stable, good marriage.

But if your marriage is in a good place, do not do it. As PPs have said, your marriage can recover, it will never be the same, for both you and your spouse. You'll never love your spouse the same way, and vice versa.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You had a good marriage, but you cheated, crushed him and have no regret. I have news for you: You did not have a good marriage.

Because in a good marriage, you would not have cheated and even if you did, you sure as hell would regret it.

You are cold, evil and actually in a very shitty marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was in a very similary situation as you (except I was harboring some (deserved) resentment for my husband, but all in all, he's a good person, we had a stable, good marriage). I had the affair.

I can't say I regret it (I don't. I still don't) But I can say it has really really wrecked my marriage. We are working on it, but it is very very very difficult. Yes, I fell for the guy, I initiated, we went for it. When I write this out I look like a jerk, having fallen for a guy, don't regret it, still married. But, children, and a long history of a stable, good marriage.

But if your marriage is in a good place, do not do it. As PPs have said, your marriage can recover, it will never be the same, for both you and your spouse. You'll never love your spouse the same way, and vice versa.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You had a good marriage, but you cheated, crushed him and have no regret. I have news for you: You did not have a good marriage.

Because in a good marriage, you would not have cheated and even if you did, you sure as hell would regret it.

You are cold, evil and actually in a very shitty marriage.

So funny that you say that. There is a contingent here who will insist that the marriage is FINE, a person can be happily married and still cheat, and it is the cheater who is a twisted, broken, evil person.

So, what is it, DCUM. Was my marriage FINE or was it FUCKED? Make up your collective mind. I'd say both, actually, but that is way too nuanced for a message board.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it's just the thrill. Cut ties. Rekindle the spark with your DH.