Talk me out of an affair.

[Anonymous]

Met someone last year through work, and fell for him gradually over the past few months as we realized how much we share in terms of interest, sense of humor, values, etc. He's super tall but not that good looking, so it's not physical infatuation for me (i.e. it's worse). We are both happily married. Last week, we went out for a dinner that was meant to be work-related, but we each had a couple of drinks, shared a dessert, laughed, talked about our lives, and accidentally touched hands at one point. Nothing more happened. Except that now I can't stop thinking about it, haven't eaten much in a week, and and am both hoping he never contacts me again and checking my phone for email and messages.

I have a great husband whom I love very much. I have never cheated on anyone and I've dated a lot and had my fair share of serious relationships before settling down. I've been tempted before and didn't have much trouble resisting. I think there is always a choice and a decision has to be made to cheat, but I'm finding it very hard to think rationally right now. I thought I would never be in a situation where I couldn't stop thinking about someone, especially while in a fulfilling marriage. This feels like some sort of drug that I can't come down from. Please help me regain rational thought.

[Anonymous]

Say this out loud: "Suzy (or whatever your name is) just stop. This isn't going to happen because protecting Bob (or whatever your spouse's name is) from getting hurt is way more important than a silly infatuation that will go away."

Make a decision that this isn't going to happen, that you won't be alone with him and that this isn't who you are. In other words, grow up.

[Anonymous]

Go talk this out with a therapist

[Anonymous]

It sounds so tempting. I imagine the feeling of new love is intoxicating, even in the context of being married. But you sound like a person with a good moral compass, and like you know this isn't the right thing to do.

Enjoy the flirtation, be cautious, and channel your new sexual energy into your sex life with your husband, exercise, or something else that's not destructive.

[Anonymous]

You're right, it is a drug. Cut contact. Let time pass. Chemicals will fade somewhat. Don't reestablish contact. Meanwhile, talk to a trusted friend or therapist about what you see in the person that is missing from your life and how you can find it within your marriage. Admitting the situation to yourself is a good start. Don't go down the predictable, shitty, extremely painful and destructive road you surely know is ahead if you start an affair.

[Anonymous]

12:05 again. If it's not enough to just do the right thing, know this: if you have an affair, it will not end well, no matter how it goes. If one of you falls for the other, but it's not reciprocated - no good. If either of your spouses find out - no good. If you fall in love with each other and decide to divorce your respective spouses, you will always have guilt, and probably the scorn of more than a few people. There is no positive outcome from an affair, ultimately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:05 again. If it's not enough to just do the right thing, know this: if you have an affair, it will not end well, no matter how it goes. If one of you falls for the other, but it's not reciprocated - no good. If either of your spouses find out - no good. If you fall in love with each other and decide to divorce your respective spouses, you will always have guilt, and probably the scorn of more than a few people. There is no positive outcome from an affair, ultimately.

Thanks, this is helping. I think.

[Anonymous]

I expected you to say what an asshole your husband is. Instead, he's a good husband and you love him. What are you thinking? Your husband (or STBXH) will hate and resent you forever. Why damage someone else's life like that if he's basically a good husband and person?

Be the adult. No more workday lunches, dinners out, inside jokes, etc.

[Anonymous]

40+ years old?

Oh boy! Hormones like you will not believe. Check out DCUM for all related topics. Horniness, pining for someone, jonesing for someone....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:05 again. If it's not enough to just do the right thing, know this: if you have an affair, it will not end well, no matter how it goes. If one of you falls for the other, but it's not reciprocated - no good. If either of your spouses find out - no good. If you fall in love with each other and decide to divorce your respective spouses, you will always have guilt, and probably the scorn of more than a few people. There is no positive outcome from an affair, ultimately.

This. Exactly. You don't mention children, but if you have children, they will find out sooner or later and you will lose their respect for the rest of your life. And are you ready for friends, family, co-workers, etc. to whisper behind your back until the end of time that you are cheater? For scandal to follow you like a cloud? Many friends will have nothing to do with you once they know.

If you are truly happily married, then you cannot possibly inflict such pain on your husband. Yes, you are under the influence of dopamine now, and it is addictive the way it makes your mind think. You need to channel your energy toward your marriage. Talk to a priest, talk to a counselor. But there are NO good outcomes from an affair. Repeat after me: It is NEVER worth it if you truly care about the people (spouse + kids) that you are cheating on.

[Anonymous]

Do it but don't get caught. Don't ever confess to your DH. You deserve amazing sex!

[Anonymous]

It's fun. This happens to most married people at some point. Some go through with it, others don't.

Best advice I can give you: don't be alone with this man again. Bring home the sexual energy to your husband. Lucky guy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do it but don't get caught. Don't ever confess to your DH. You deserve amazing sex!

Do not listen to this. Hearing you, even if you did decide to go through with it, I suspect the guilt and shame would destroy you inside

[Anonymous]

A few years back when DH and I were busy and harried and needing to reconnect I had a little flirtation with a co-worker. But ultimately I focused on just how deeply it would hurt my DH if I ever took it further, and that just wasn't an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's fun. This happens to most married people at some point. Some go through with it, others don't.

Best advice I can give you: don't be alone with this man again. Bring home the sexual energy to your husband. Lucky guy!

OP here. Thanks. I'll try this. On the bright side, I've already lost two pounds.