Talk me out of an affair.

[Anonymous]

Why did you decide to bump this 5 years later? You are still thinking about it or have done it with the new guy already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Met someone last year through work, and fell for him gradually over the past few months as we realized how much we share in terms of interest, sense of humor, values, etc. He's super tall but not that good looking, so it's not physical infatuation for me (i.e. it's worse). We are both happily married. Last week, we went out for a dinner that was meant to be work-related, but we each had a couple of drinks, shared a dessert, laughed, talked about our lives, and accidentally touched hands at one point. Nothing more happened. Except that now I can't stop thinking about it, haven't eaten much in a week, and and am both hoping he never contacts me again and checking my phone for email and messages.

I have a great husband whom I love very much. I have never cheated on anyone and I've dated a lot and had my fair share of serious relationships before settling down. I've been tempted before and didn't have much trouble resisting. I think there is always a choice and a decision has to be made to cheat, but I'm finding it very hard to think rationally right now. I thought I would never be in a situation where I couldn't stop thinking about someone, especially while in a fulfilling marriage. This feels like some sort of drug that I can't come down from. Please help me regain rational thought.

Haha, no you aren't, or you wouldn't be fantasizing about him for whatever is missing in your marriage. I say, go for it. Join the ranks of cheating women. The more, the merrier. I've certainly taken advantage of my share so I'm no one to advise you against it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12:05 again. If it's not enough to just do the right thing, know this: if you have an affair, it will not end well, no matter how it goes. If one of you falls for the other, but it's not reciprocated - no good. If either of your spouses find out - no good. If you fall in love with each other and decide to divorce your respective spouses, you will always have guilt, and probably the scorn of more than a few people. There is no positive outcome from an affair, ultimately.

This. Exactly. You don't mention children, but if you have children, they will find out sooner or later and you will lose their respect for the rest of your life. And are you ready for friends, family, co-workers, etc. to whisper behind your back until the end of time that you are cheater? For scandal to follow you like a cloud? Many friends will have nothing to do with you once they know.

I won't argue that affairs are destructive but I think you overestimate how much other people will care. No one will whisper behind your back until the end of time. People are way too focused on their own lives to care about what you did or didn't do. Nothing will follow you like a cloud and your friends won't care. We just aren't that important to anyone else.

Also, if I found out either of my parents cheated, it wouldn't change how I feel about them in the slightest.

Sorry but I find this impossible to believe. And speaking from experience, I can tell you friends will be much less likely to call you to do things with them. They will not look at you the same way and many won't want to associate with you

NP. Your assumptions are not true. People do not care about affairs.

You certainly don’t speak for everyone, just you and your liar friends.

I’ve never cheated but I do know several people who have and they have perfectly fine lives and nobody ever cared. People might judge people for a minute but it is not long-term kind of judging because people have their own lives to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12:05 again. If it's not enough to just do the right thing, know this: if you have an affair, it will not end well, no matter how it goes. If one of you falls for the other, but it's not reciprocated - no good. If either of your spouses find out - no good. If you fall in love with each other and decide to divorce your respective spouses, you will always have guilt, and probably the scorn of more than a few people. There is no positive outcome from an affair, ultimately.

This. Exactly. You don't mention children, but if you have children, they will find out sooner or later and you will lose their respect for the rest of your life. And are you ready for friends, family, co-workers, etc. to whisper behind your back until the end of time that you are cheater? For scandal to follow you like a cloud? Many friends will have nothing to do with you once they know.

I won't argue that affairs are destructive but I think you overestimate how much other people will care. No one will whisper behind your back until the end of time. People are way too focused on their own lives to care about what you did or didn't do. Nothing will follow you like a cloud and your friends won't care. We just aren't that important to anyone else.

Also, if I found out either of my parents cheated, it wouldn't change how I feel about them in the slightest.

Sorry but I find this impossible to believe. And speaking from experience, I can tell you friends will be much less likely to call you to do things with them. They will not look at you the same way and many won't want to associate with you

NP. Your assumptions are not true. People do not care about affairs.

You certainly don’t speak for everyone, just you and your liar friends.

I’ve never cheated but I do know several people who have and they have perfectly fine lives and nobody ever cared. People might judge people for a minute but it is not long-term kind of judging because people have their own lives to live.

I definitely avoid such people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell your DH. Nothing quite like fanning the flames of desire by keeping a secret. In a long marriage, both of you will have temptations. You should be able to turn to each other to help you through. I had a crush on a new guy I worked with. Not quite the electricity you two had, but a crush none-the-less. I told DH and we joked around about it. Made me feel 1000% better that I wasn't keeping a secret. It also felt nice that our marriage is strong enough that he wasn't worried at all about me cheating.

I'm sorry, but most husbands would not find it a joking manner. We are not wired that way. No guy wants to hear that his wife has a huge crush on some guy.

My W and I always tell each other who we find attractive. It's no threat to me at all. The women I find physically attractive are no surprise to her. She knows my type and will even point them out to me in public. I am often surprised by what she finds attractive, especially the guys she nearly drools over.

[Anonymous]

There's a lot of black and white thinking on these kinds of threads. I always wonder what those super rigid people are like in real life and how it actually serves them in relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot of black and white thinking on these kinds of threads. I always wonder what those super rigid people are like in real life and how it actually serves them in relationships.

+1

I also wonder if it's just one or two people over and over.

[Anonymous]

This is why I’ve never wanted a monogamous marriage. It’s more scary to me to think that a new crush/infatuation, which is bound to happen for both of us occaisonally, could rip my life apart. Crushes are fun, the new relationship buzz is intoxicating, but it usually fizzles out naturally. So, enjoy it if you can find a way to do so without threatening your marriage, or else, keep your distance and let the happy brain chemicals fade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:40+ years old?

Oh boy! Hormones like you will not believe. Check out DCUM for all related topics. Horniness, pining for someone, jonesing for someone....

This is definitely related.

At 37 I am like a teen girl again. It’s bizarre.

OP seriously go on vacation with your family for 2+ weeks. All kinds of craziness surrounding your life including your job and your crush on your coworker will sort of dissipate. You will begin to feel embarrassed that you were ever even thinking about them. I speak from experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a lot of black and white thinking on these kinds of threads. I always wonder what those super rigid people are like in real life and how it actually serves them in relationships.

+1

I also wonder if it's just one or two people over and over.

It’s not black and white when you see the total devastation when an affair rips through two families. It’s awful. So much fallout that continues to affect the kids and betrayed spouses for years and years.

[Anonymous]

I’m always amazed at how many people will flush their marriages down the toilet for an orgasm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:40+ years old?

Oh boy! Hormones like you will not believe. Check out DCUM for all related topics. Horniness, pining for someone, jonesing for someone....

This is definitely related.

At 37 I am like a teen girl again. It’s bizarre.

OP seriously go on vacation with your family for 2+ weeks. All kinds of craziness surrounding your life including your job and your crush on your coworker will sort of dissipate. You will begin to feel embarrassed that you were ever even thinking about them. I speak from experience.

Oh not to worry, I'm already embarrassed :p

[Anonymous]

Don’t do it OP, if you love your DH, you are lucky. I started mine because I did not love DH and it’s still unraveling and very difficult.

[Anonymous]

There's a lot of black and white thinking on these kinds of threads. I always wonder what those super rigid people are like in real life and how it actually serves them in relationships.


+1

I also wonder if it's just one or two people over and over.

The thing is, most people have morals and principles that don’t change with the circumstances and are not malleable. Call that black and white, I think it’s principled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12:05 again. If it's not enough to just do the right thing, know this: if you have an affair, it will not end well, no matter how it goes. If one of you falls for the other, but it's not reciprocated - no good. If either of your spouses find out - no good. If you fall in love with each other and decide to divorce your respective spouses, you will always have guilt, and probably the scorn of more than a few people. There is no positive outcome from an affair, ultimately.

This. Exactly. You don't mention children, but if you have children, they will find out sooner or later and you will lose their respect for the rest of your life. And are you ready for friends, family, co-workers, etc. to whisper behind your back until the end of time that you are cheater? For scandal to follow you like a cloud? Many friends will have nothing to do with you once they know.

I won't argue that affairs are destructive but I think you overestimate how much other people will care. No one will whisper behind your back until the end of time. People are way too focused on their own lives to care about what you did or didn't do. Nothing will follow you like a cloud and your friends won't care. We just aren't that important to anyone else.

Also, if I found out either of my parents cheated, it wouldn't change how I feel about them in the slightest.

Sorry but I find this impossible to believe. And speaking from experience, I can tell you friends will be much less likely to call you to do things with them. They will not look at you the same way and many won't want to associate with you

NP. Your assumptions are not true. People do not care about affairs.

You certainly don’t speak for everyone, just you and your liar friends.

I’ve never cheated but I do know several people who have and they have perfectly fine lives and nobody ever cared. People might judge people for a minute but it is not long-term kind of judging because people have their own lives to live.

I definitely avoid such people.

They are acquaintances or extended family I rarely see. All have been married 20+ years to the person they cheated with. I know all of them (they do not know each other). children (now adults) are fine. They were in bad marriages to begin with. No one had major fallout long term. People move on.