Talk me out of an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12:05 again. If it's not enough to just do the right thing, know this: if you have an affair, it will not end well, no matter how it goes. If one of you falls for the other, but it's not reciprocated - no good. If either of your spouses find out - no good. If you fall in love with each other and decide to divorce your respective spouses, you will always have guilt, and probably the scorn of more than a few people. There is no positive outcome from an affair, ultimately.

This. Exactly. You don't mention children, but if you have children, they will find out sooner or later and you will lose their respect for the rest of your life. And are you ready for friends, family, co-workers, etc. to whisper behind your back until the end of time that you are cheater? For scandal to follow you like a cloud? Many friends will have nothing to do with you once they know.

I won't argue that affairs are destructive but I think you overestimate how much other people will care. No one will whisper behind your back until the end of time. People are way too focused on their own lives to care about what you did or didn't do. Nothing will follow you like a cloud and your friends won't care. We just aren't that important to anyone else.

Also, if I found out either of my parents cheated, it wouldn't change how I feel about them in the slightest.

My parents divorced because of cheating. I despise the cheater and deny all contact. I despised the cheater even more after I grew up and knew what marriage was.

So no, maybe not "everyone" will know about what you did and lose respect for you. Just the most important people in your life (relatives, children).

This was your experience, it doesn't have to be the case for everyone. My parents are still married and if I found out either of them has stepped out, it would not change how I feel about them. Affairs don't have to lead to divorce and children don't really care what daddy or mommy did as long as daddy or mommy was good to them and gave them a comfortable intact home. I'm just saying. Don't project your own feelings onto children, they have their own feelings.

[Anonymous]

If this man is a better soulmate than your husband, and you for him, it would be criminal not to consummate this relationship and look toward the long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this man is a better soulmate than your husband, and you for him, it would be criminal not to consummate this relationship and look toward the long term.

You sound like you are deep in the affair fog yourself. Listen to this fool and be prepared to destroy the lives of people you love.

[Anonymous]

My parents both cheated on each other. My mom talked about it obnoxiously to me and my dad didn't but his behavior was obvious. Meh. They were bad partners for each other and ended up with people who were better matches for them. Life isn't so black and white. As an adult myself now, the thought of staying with someone who makes you miserable for life for kids doesn't make sense. And yet at the same time, most are scared to leave the safety of marriage without another prospect or confirmation that they could still attract another partner. It is purely selfish of course, but much of human behavior is. My point is that while it's not what most wish for in their life at the outset, I can see how this happens and happens often. I still love my parents, but I wouldn't want to be married to people like them!

[Anonymous]

I love my parent and now step parent. But the reality that their affair ended my parents' marriage and thus my family is never far from my mind. It will always color my feelings for them. Esp. because they pride themselves on basically being the gold standard of parenting.

Gold standard parents don't step out on their children and families. Which is what cheating includes. It's NOT just cheating on the spouse. It's endangering what is supposed to be the most important thing in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents both cheated on each other. My mom talked about it obnoxiously to me and my dad didn't but his behavior was obvious. Meh. They were bad partners for each other and ended up with people who were better matches for them. Life isn't so black and white. As an adult myself now, the thought of staying with someone who makes you miserable for life for kids doesn't make sense. And yet at the same time, most are scared to leave the safety of marriage without another prospect or confirmation that they could still attract another partner. It is purely selfish of course, but much of human behavior is. My point is that while it's not what most wish for in their life at the outset, I can see how this happens and happens often. I still love my parents, but I wouldn't want to be married to people like them!

Divorce is incredibly selfish when there are kids involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this man is a better soulmate than your husband, and you for him, it would be criminal not to consummate this relationship and look toward the long term.

You sound like you are deep in the affair fog yourself. Listen to this fool and be prepared to destroy the lives of people you love.

+1. Fool, fog, and destroy being the key words.

[Anonymous]

OP of this thread here, back after 5 years. We have seen each other only occasionally, not at all during the pandemic, but kept in touch every few months. The feelings resurfaced every time. Then we spent 4 days at a work event a few weeks ago and ended up finally talking about it. Neither of us wants to destroy either family and we are not going to hook up. But having confirmation that the feeling was mutual all these years has made it tough not to think about it in the days since. I reread the whole thread and it's striking how similar things are 5 years later, from the chemistry down to the weight loss after having this recent and prolonged contact.

One poster mentioned something about looking for things missing in ourselves in the other person, and perhaps there's some truth to that. I will explore more with a therapist. If anyone has suggestions for a good therapist in VA especially (I live in Arlington), I would be grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP of this thread here, back after 5 years. We have seen each other only occasionally, not at all during the pandemic, but kept in touch every few months. The feelings resurfaced every time. Then we spent 4 days at a work event a few weeks ago and ended up finally talking about it. Neither of us wants to destroy either family and we are not going to hook up. But having confirmation that the feeling was mutual all these years has made it tough not to think about it in the days since. I reread the whole thread and it's striking how similar things are 5 years later, from the chemistry down to the weight loss after having this recent and prolonged contact.

One poster mentioned something about looking for things missing in ourselves in the other person, and perhaps there's some truth to that. I will explore more with a therapist. If anyone has suggestions for a good therapist in VA especially (I live in Arlington), I would be grateful.

How is your marriage post pandemic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP of this thread here, back after 5 years. We have seen each other only occasionally, not at all during the pandemic, but kept in touch every few months. The feelings resurfaced every time. Then we spent 4 days at a work event a few weeks ago and ended up finally talking about it. Neither of us wants to destroy either family and we are not going to hook up. But having confirmation that the feeling was mutual all these years has made it tough not to think about it in the days since. I reread the whole thread and it's striking how similar things are 5 years later, from the chemistry down to the weight loss after having this recent and prolonged contact.

One poster mentioned something about looking for things missing in ourselves in the other person, and perhaps there's some truth to that. I will explore more with a therapist. If anyone has suggestions for a good therapist in VA especially (I live in Arlington), I would be grateful.

How is your marriage post pandemic?

It's great. We're perhaps intimate less than we'd like because we have been exhausted with work and childcare but it's not like we're not finding any time for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12:05 again. If it's not enough to just do the right thing, know this: if you have an affair, it will not end well, no matter how it goes. If one of you falls for the other, but it's not reciprocated - no good. If either of your spouses find out - no good. If you fall in love with each other and decide to divorce your respective spouses, you will always have guilt, and probably the scorn of more than a few people. There is no positive outcome from an affair, ultimately.

This. Exactly. You don't mention children, but if you have children, they will find out sooner or later and you will lose their respect for the rest of your life. And are you ready for friends, family, co-workers, etc. to whisper behind your back until the end of time that you are cheater? For scandal to follow you like a cloud? Many friends will have nothing to do with you once they know.

I won't argue that affairs are destructive but I think you overestimate how much other people will care. No one will whisper behind your back until the end of time. People are way too focused on their own lives to care about what you did or didn't do. Nothing will follow you like a cloud and your friends won't care. We just aren't that important to anyone else.

Also, if I found out either of my parents cheated, it wouldn't change how I feel about them in the slightest.

Sorry but I find this impossible to believe. And speaking from experience, I can tell you friends will be much less likely to call you to do things with them. They will not look at you the same way and many won't want to associate with you

NP. Your assumptions are not true. People do not care about affairs.

[Anonymous]

You will destroy your spouse and the guy’s wife. You will be the direct cause of their severe pain and trauma. Not sure how anyone lives with themselves when they hurt other people that much, change their life forever.

Plus, how would you like your kids to find out you are a cheater?

Don’t be a selfish @sshole. Don’t hurt your husband or another woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12:05 again. If it's not enough to just do the right thing, know this: if you have an affair, it will not end well, no matter how it goes. If one of you falls for the other, but it's not reciprocated - no good. If either of your spouses find out - no good. If you fall in love with each other and decide to divorce your respective spouses, you will always have guilt, and probably the scorn of more than a few people. There is no positive outcome from an affair, ultimately.

This. Exactly. You don't mention children, but if you have children, they will find out sooner or later and you will lose their respect for the rest of your life. And are you ready for friends, family, co-workers, etc. to whisper behind your back until the end of time that you are cheater? For scandal to follow you like a cloud? Many friends will have nothing to do with you once they know.

I won't argue that affairs are destructive but I think you overestimate how much other people will care. No one will whisper behind your back until the end of time. People are way too focused on their own lives to care about what you did or didn't do. Nothing will follow you like a cloud and your friends won't care. We just aren't that important to anyone else.

Also, if I found out either of my parents cheated, it wouldn't change how I feel about them in the slightest.

Sorry but I find this impossible to believe. And speaking from experience, I can tell you friends will be much less likely to call you to do things with them. They will not look at you the same way and many won't want to associate with you

NP. Your assumptions are not true. People do not care about affairs.

You certainly don’t speak for everyone, just you and your liar friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You will destroy your spouse and the guy’s wife. You will be the direct cause of their severe pain and trauma. Not sure how anyone lives with themselves when they hurt other people that much, change their life forever.

Plus, how would you like your kids to find out you are a cheater?

Don’t be a selfish @sshole. Don’t hurt your husband or another woman.

+100

Wtf are you doing? You have a happy family and a husband you claim to love. Stop the bullsh@t. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Met someone last year through work, and fell for him gradually over the past few months as we realized how much we share in terms of interest, sense of humor, values, etc. He's super tall but not that good looking, so it's not physical infatuation for me (i.e. it's worse). We are both happily married. Last week, we went out for a dinner that was meant to be work-related, but we each had a couple of drinks, shared a dessert, laughed, talked about our lives, and accidentally touched hands at one point. Nothing more happened. Except that now I can't stop thinking about it, haven't eaten much in a week, and and am both hoping he never contacts me again and checking my phone for email and messages.

I have a great husband whom I love very much. I have never cheated on anyone and I've dated a lot and had my fair share of serious relationships before settling down. I've been tempted before and didn't have much trouble resisting. I think there is always a choice and a decision has to be made to cheat, but I'm finding it very hard to think rationally right now. I thought I would never be in a situation where I couldn't stop thinking about someone, especially while in a fulfilling marriage. This feels like some sort of drug that I can't come down from. Please help me regain rational thought.

Your hormones will calm soon. Just enjoy the fantasy and don't beat yourself up (e.g., Do NOT tell yourself "Bob is an inescapable drug! Bob is off limits", etc.). Just think to yourself "Johnny (DH) is my sexy husband, and I'm primed and ready to go." Good luck.