Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?

[Anonymous]

I'm working remotely on a limited schedule due to doc appts. and PT and trying to log as many hours as I can so I can bring in some money and every single day she sits there and yaps and yaps. I have tried to tell her I could be more attentive to a conversation if we can take a lunch break together or whatever but she just disregards what I say. She's the kind of person who can talk nonstop about herself. Then I don't log the work hours I have said I'm going to do. We have a small house so aside from sitting on my bed with my computer in my lap, which is what I'm doing now, I can't escape because if I sit at the table, she thinks I'm on break.

This part needs to stop. Get a desk in your room, wear headphones (even w/o music), whatever. When she starts talking to you, just say, "I'm sorry, I can't talk now, I have to work." Put on the heahdphones or stick in the earplugs. And then ignore her. Because you do actually need to work.

As for the work, I don't get why people are being so hard on you. It's not rocket science to think that someone who is staying with you while you recover from surgery should be helpful. That said, she clearly doesn't want to be all that helpful, so just adjust. I agree with stocking up at TJ's or Costco so you have stuff that just needs to be heated in the oven. Not totally economical, but better than takeout. Stop paying for takeout after you do that. While she goes to pick up the kids, maybe take a break from work to do basic dinner prep--cut veggies, defrost something, etc. And don't do the stuff that she doesn't do if it's not something you're supposed to be doing--just ignore it and then tell your husband that it needs doing. You need to rest your leg so it can heal. So do that. Make a list of everything that needs to be done that day. Post it on the fridge like a to-do list. Cross off the things that you do, and leave the rest for someone else. Seriously.

My mom came to stay with me after I had my babies, and she was awesome. No, she wasn't my servant, but she was so helpful--laundry, shopping, cleaning, meal prep...it made life so much easier. I didn't feel entitled to it, I just thought how great it was to have such a supportive mother. Taking care of each other is what families are supposed to do. I'm sorry that your MIL isn't being helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And people on the other thread wonder why I say people here are whiners and entitled?

I'm not asking her to scrub toilets. I've asked her to help prep up dinner because I'm unable. Wow, clearly you've never been in a situation where you need some physical assistance.

Well, I certainly hope your DH is stepping in and doing all the stuff you were expecting his mother to help with since he thinks it's now not her job to help with anything. Continue working from home and just put headphones on when working and don't take them off if she starts talking to you, just reply "I'm working right now and can't talk" and keep going. Don't take out the garbage, don't do the dishes, nothing you aren't supposed to be doing as you recover. DH can pick up the slack and host his mommy.

Absofuckinglutely!

THIS.

People, she isn't hosting family, she specifically asked her MIL (or her husband did, whatever) to come and help while she IS ON CRUTCHES WITH 2 CHILDREN. I don't know if none of you have ever used crutches, but I have and you CAN'T CARRY ANYTHING because you need both hands and arms on the crutches. Imagine being around your 3 and 1 year old children and not be able to hold anything, carry anything, lean over and pick anything up and walk 4 steps to the table to put it on it. Seriously. She can't pick up the baby and pop him on the diaper table, nothing.

I'd sit in your bedroom and stay put, with door closed, working. Even when she brings kids home, she can deal with them while she cooks. (yeah, have fun with that, Grandma, it's much easier to prep without helpers, but whatever). Then when your husband gets his a$$ home, HE can step and fetch it while you sit at the table and have things handed to you. You can sit between your 3 year old and the baby in the highchair and feed and supervise them, which is very helpful, and the able bodied people who don't have crutches can get stuff, bring it to you, clear off table, wash dishes, etc.

I had surgery and used crutches for 6 weeks - my husband was home for 1 week, then my mother came for 2 weeks, then I functioned on my own for 3 weeks but I had NO KIDS. And still, I couldn't make breakfast and then carry it to the effin' table, and forget about carrying a coffee cup. Seriously, having crutches is just horrible. (never mind the pain from the surgery and the healing, I'm just talking about the stupid crutches)

Also, OP, here's a trick - get a dining room or kitchen chair and put your knee on that and slide it around everywhere you go - walk with good leg, move bad leg forward resting on chair. BOOM! No crutches, you can carry stuff, only problem is when you encounter stairs. It will make a WORLD of difference you can (gasp) carry your coffee cup or your breakfast, not both together because you still need a hand to move chair and steady the chair/bad leg combo.

Now, go sit on your bum and don't move. If your husband doesn't get dishes done, they don't get done tonight. Period. I'm serious. If he doesn't automatically do this stuff because you are LAID UP then you can discuss it or you can just leave it - either way you are FORBIDDEN by me from doing it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And people on the other thread wonder why I say people here are whiners and entitled?

I'm not asking her to scrub toilets. I've asked her to help prep up dinner because I'm unable. Wow, clearly you've never been in a situation where you need some physical assistance.

Hiireca damn maid!

[Anonymous]

I already posted upthread, but the more I think about it, the more it sounds like mismatched expectations, which can lead to a lot of frustrations. Perhaps your MIL thought she was coming just to take care of the kids, whereas you and DH thought she was coming to cook, clean, and care for the kids.

It almost doesn't matter now, though, because you now see what she is willing to do. She will help with the kids, but is not so into cooking or taking out the trash. All you can do is reconfigure your expectations and accept the help she is willing to give, and figure out another plan for cooking meals and taking out the trash. Rather, let your DH figure it out.

There's no reason you can't sit at the table and chop vegetables. I would be tripping over myself in order to do that if I were in the situation you are, with limited ability to do much else to help.

I know it's hard to be on crutches, and it really sucks. Try not to take all of your frustration about that out on your MIL, though.

One thing that does need to change is her distracting you while you work. You're going to have to be very direct about that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And people on the other thread wonder why I say people here are whiners and entitled?

I'm not asking her to scrub toilets. I've asked her to help prep up dinner because I'm unable. Wow, clearly you've never been in a situation where you need some physical assistance.

Hiireca damn maid!

lol put the wine bottle down drunky

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't even need to read your whole post. Yes, of course you bite your lip! In the end, she is your guest, not your employee. In the future, don't expect that she will be helpful when she visits.

Hire a cleaner and don't ask her to do more than child care.

[Anonymous]

Holy crap you sound like a monster, OP. When you ask someone for unpaid help, you don't really get to dictate the exact manner in which they help you. Unbelievable!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Send her home.

I think she is probably a lot like my MIL, who wants to "help", but that mostly means doing the exact one thing she wants to do, which is laundry, sorting our clothes, and throwing out our clothing that she does not like. I do not want anyone else to touch my clothing. I have breezily said "oh, no need." I have asked her directly to just leave it, "since I'm so picky". I have hid it in my closet. When I find her huddled in my closet furtively going through my laundry basket, is when I threw in the towel and said no more visits.

Lol! Whoa!

[Anonymous]

You know she is not inclined to help. Now you need to hire someone to help you out with the things you cannot do. She will continue to do what she will do. If you need help, hire it. This is not your employee.

If your husband asks her to step up and do more, expect her to leave. She thinks what she is doing is helping and it is all she is willing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't even need to read your whole post. Yes, of course you bite your lip! In the end, she is your guest, not your employee. In the future, don't expect that she will be helpful when she visits.

WTF? No, she is not just a guest! The OPs family asked if she'd be willing to come help while OP recovered from surgery. If the MIL did not want to help, she was not obligated to say yes. However, if she agrees to come help and then wants to be waited on and treated like a guest, that's worse than doing nothing.

OP, you absolutely need to talk to DH and insist that he talks to her. She needs to help or pack up and leave. When someone is recovering from surgery, they are in no position to host house guests!

THIS!! She is not here for a visit, she is here specifically to help out. If she's not being helpful, your DH should absolutely talk to her.

+1.

DH's mom is DH's job to handle.

But can you step back from the anger just a bit, OP? There are some people who truly lack initiative and/or just can't get past the idea that they're somehow in the way if they dive in and do stuff at someone else's home. That is not an excuse but might be an explanation. So DH -- it needs to be DH so you need to tell him to get a grip and not be so afraid to be direct with mommy -- he needs to write out a schedule for her day by day, sit down with her and present it to her as "I've put this together so you can do certain daily tasks that I and DW need done." Emphasis here on how it's DH telling her this, not you. He and you should not bring up anything she hasn't done up to now -- please do not dredge up how she didn't empty the trash once, etc. DH should tell her, "I know you've said you prefer to cook after the kids are home but I'm finding it hard to get the kids settled and it will help to have dinner as soon as they walk in" ( or whatever the issue is with dinner timing).

DH handles it. Present as his ideas. Write it out and post on fridge. Make her feel vitally needed. Don't bring up past stuff. Sounds like she needs very specific directions and may need to be told that it is OK to take initiative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap you sound like a monster, OP. When you ask someone for unpaid help, you don't really get to dictate the exact manner in which they help you. Unbelievable!!

Yes you do get to identify some things you need done. That's not being a monster.

But it does sound like maybe OP and husband were not clear with MIL about what they needed or about what OP's limitations would really be.

[Anonymous]

What a lack of gratitude and grace. Okay, so she's not as helpful as you would like. That doesn't negate what she is doing, which sounds like multiple helpful things. It also doesn't negate her good intentions and efforts.

Here's what you need to do:
Change your attitude from resentment at what you do not have to gratitude for what you do have.

Appreciate what she does, even if it's not perfect or enough for your liking.

Set boundaries by speaking up if you need her to be quiet while you work.

Communicate what you need her to do instead of your passive-aggressive banging things around doing them yourself in a silent rage.

Tell your husband to do more, both in terms of pitching in and in communicating to his mother and if need be, taking time off here and there to pick up the slack.

Lower your standards of perfection for now. During this time you may have to order in more, the house may be messier, and things may not be ideal.

You're creating your own misery here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a lack of gratitude and grace. Okay, so she's not as helpful as you would like. That doesn't negate what she is doing, which sounds like multiple helpful things. It also doesn't negate her good intentions and efforts.

Here's what you need to do:
Change your attitude from resentment at what you do not have to gratitude for what you do have.

Appreciate what she does, even if it's not perfect or enough for your liking.

Set boundaries by speaking up if you need her to be quiet while you work.

Communicate what you need her to do instead of your passive-aggressive banging things around doing them yourself in a silent rage.

Tell your husband to do more, both in terms of pitching in and in communicating to his mother and if need be, taking time off here and there to pick up the slack.

Lower your standards of perfection for now. During this time you may have to order in more, the house may be messier, and things may not be ideal.

You're creating your own misery here.

THIS!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

You made some tactical errors. Making a menu and then telling her what to cook is taking it too far. Do you have a history or not eating what she cooks or criticizing her food? I am voting that she had no idea what to do with the stuff you bought and just doesn't want to say anything. Both my mom and MIL are extremely helpful, but I wouldn't dream of asking either of them to cook the meals I planned in advance.

That being said, suck it up and know you can't count on her for this type of help in the future.

[Anonymous]

I would send her ass home and she would never be welcome back. If my spouse didn't like it, she can fucking go with ( Im a husband). Old hag can cry her eyes out on her deathbed about the grand babies she never sees.