Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?
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Anonymous
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We brought my MIL in town to help us out with two small kids (a 3 year old and a new walker) after a major surgery I needed to have that has me on crutches for 6-8 weeks and unable to drive. She is helping us for 2 weeks. My mother was here for 2 weeks and was extraordinarily helpful and very responsive.
Aside from getting the kids to and from day care (a very short trip), my MIL really hasn't been very helpful. DH says that's just the way she is and we should be grateful for her help driving, but I feel like I'm going crazy watching her all day (I'm able to work remotely) do nothing when there are a million things we have suggested she can help with. I've asked her if she can start prepping up dinner ahead of picking up the kids (we have made a menu and have groceries) and every single day, she says she prefers to cook after the kids get home from day care, which is really hard because I'm unable to be very helpful with the littler one, who needs more attention, due to my crutches. She also most nights just suggested we get take out (and it has often ended up on our dollar which we could have easily done without her here and with one less person to feed).Since she's so averse to cooking, I know she would never help to prep up some freezer meals for us to have after she leaves. And at dinner time, every single night, I have to say, oh, hey, would you mind bringing some plates over to the table and grab some milk for the kids? Clearly I can't carry things. She just stands there and talks. Last night, she was home for an hour and a half after the younger one went to bed (DH and I had to run an errand with our older child) and when we got back, the garbage can was full in the middle of the kitchen, like she pulled it out so we knew it needed to be changed, but she didn't change it. So I hobbled over to do it on my crutches and then I tried to finish the dishes and put the soap in to start the washer and she heard me banging around and came over and said "what are you doing over here? you shouldn't be doing that." I'm working remotely on a limited schedule due to doc appts. and PT and trying to log as many hours as I can so I can bring in some money and every single day she sits there and yaps and yaps. I have tried to tell her I could be more attentive to a conversation if we can take a lunch break together or whatever but she just disregards what I say. She's the kind of person who can talk nonstop about herself. Then I don't log the work hours I have said I'm going to do. We have a small house so aside from sitting on my bed with my computer in my lap, which is what I'm doing now, I can't escape because if I sit at the table, she thinks I'm on break. I feel like I am asking pointedly about what I need help with and DH won't step in. Do I just bite my lip until she leaves or should he say something? |
Anonymous
| I didn't even need to read your whole post. Yes, of course you bite your lip! In the end, she is your guest, not your employee. In the future, don't expect that she will be helpful when she visits. |
Anonymous
| And people on the other thread wonder why I say people here are whiners and entitled? |
Anonymous
I'm not asking her to scrub toilets. I've asked her to help prep up dinner because I'm unable. Wow, clearly you've never been in a situation where you need some physical assistance. |
Anonymous
| Agree. Hire a nanny. |
Anonymous
Well, I certainly hope your DH is stepping in and doing all the stuff you were expecting his mother to help with since he thinks it's now not her job to help with anything. Continue working from home and just put headphones on when working and don't take them off if she starts talking to you, just reply "I'm working right now and can't talk" and keep going. Don't take out the garbage, don't do the dishes, nothing you aren't supposed to be doing as you recover. DH can pick up the slack and host his mommy. |
Anonymous
12:28 here. Yes, you need physical assistance, but clearly your MIL is not the person to provide it. It would be great if she were helpful like your mother was, but she is not, and it's not worth damaging your relationship in order to get dinner prepped earlier. If you need assistance, rely on your DH or hire someone. |
Anonymous
| How can you run an errand but not prep for dinner? How can you hobble and try to finish the dishes after you and DH came home from this errand, and your DH didn't come to help? |
Anonymous
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Wow, you sound awful, OP. Your MIL is not your servant or slave! She's helping, presumably to the best of her ability, and you're furious that she hadn't taken out the trash before you returned home? And that she's not making freezer meals 24/7 or paying for your takeout? What planet do you live on where this is a requirement for family?
I say this as someone who had a serious neurological condition that prevented me from driving for 3 months and severely incapacitated me in most other respects. So I fully understand a medical emergency. But I somehow managed to work FT and care for 2 kids without ever expecting a relative to become my indentured servant. |
Anonymous
DH drove on the errand. DH was putting older child to bed when we got back. Surely he could have done it after bed time but its the point that they were small tasks that would have taken a handful of minutes. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
WTF? No, she is not just a guest! The OPs family asked if she'd be willing to come help while OP recovered from surgery. If the MIL did not want to help, she was not obligated to say yes. However, if she agrees to come help and then wants to be waited on and treated like a guest, that's worse than doing nothing. OP, you absolutely need to talk to DH and insist that he talks to her. She needs to help or pack up and leave. When someone is recovering from surgery, they are in no position to host house guests! |
Anonymous
You've already asked politely, there is nothing else you can do to get her to be more helpful. I wouldn't recommend pushing this -- I doubt it will do more than piss MIL off. You can, however, try to get her to leave you alone during the day. Maybe close the doors to the kitchen/living room and tell her it will be your home office? Or have DH put a desk/chair in some room you can close off and make that your "office"? Also, since MIL is not helping enough, DH has to do more. He should finish the housework she doesn't do during the day (dishes, trash, etc.) Talk to him about what needs to be done, what you've asked MIL to do, what she is not doing. Tell him point blank and if she won't do it, you need him to do it because you cannot. Perhaps he can prep dinners the night before so that all you need to do is turn on the crock pot or ask MIL to put something in the over and set the table? |
Anonymous
Perhaps our conditions are different. I didn't ask for her to do an exceptional amount of work. Very discrete tasks. |
Anonymous
DH and I had to run an errand with our older child)[b]
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