Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to put things in order. First thing, move a small desk into your bedroom so you can work there with the door closed.

Second thing, re-work the evenings so you are NOT trying to manage the small kid alone. This probably means you'll have to get takeout/do frozen. Don't even plan on her helping make dinner at all beyond sticking it in the oven/micro.

Third thing, you're just going to have to swallow your annoyance and ASK her to do things repeatedly, like put the plates on the table etc.

Fourth thing, DH needs to step up and plan meals.

This is the best advice. Frozen pizza, chicken patties, mac and cheese, whatever is easy easy easy for the next couple weeks. It will be cheaper than takeout. And definitely the desk. Have DH grab an oblong card table from Target if you don't have something already.

And don't expect a guest, even in every who is there to help, to take out the trash. DH can do that.

[Anonymous]

Op, I'm on your side; if she's not helping with what you need help with them she may as well go home. That said, was this a surprise surgery or did you know it was coming? If you knew it was coming then why didn't you stock your own freezer with eight weeks worth of dinners and soups and stuff? Then you'd just need to slap together some pbj and fruit for the kids and yourself during the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a lesson learned that your MIL isn't up to the job for whatever the reason. How old is she and does she possibly have a hard time with arthritis? Maybe she feels out of her element and unfamiliar with how you cook and do other household chores. It comes more naturally to your own mom.

I stayed 6 weeks to help my daughter when she had surgery. I drove, shopped, cooked, cleaned, did all laundry, took care of her dog, etc. so she could focus on her work. She isn't married and doesn't have children yet, but it's good to know that I was a help and not annoying. A big part was that she didn't have to explain what she needed because we are similar. I just knew when to be quiet so she could work, or what she needed. I sure hope I can be as helpful to my future DIL and son.

Maybe your MIL is lazy, but maybe she just doesn't know how to be helpful and things are unfamiliar to her. I have arthritis and tend to not say when something's hurting - maybe she's dealing with that. Eat simple meals, and hire someone if you need for cleaning, etc.

FWIW, my own parents and inlaws were no help to us when we really needed it. We had to figure it out. Seriously my parents felt their job was done when I graduated high school! We have made a point of helping when needed, not all parents want to do that.

+1

[Anonymous]

This sounds awful OP. You definitely need to talk to DH about it. Here's how I would handle it:

Tell your MIL that you need to work during the day. Put on headphones (say listening to classical music helps you concentrate.) This at least provides some separation. Like when you remove your headphones, that's your signal that you're on break and you can chat with MIL for a few minutes.

Make a list of all the tasks that need to be done for the day. Be specific, things like take out trash, prep dinner for the next day, load dishwasher, kids laundry, etc. All the things your mom was doing and you thought your MIL would help with. All those things become his responsibility after the kids go to sleep. Go to your room and get some rest.

Your husband can choose to ask his mom for help or do those tasks himself. Usually MILs tend to be a lot more helpful when they see their sons as the ones burdened with household tasks. Either way, he works it out with her. He does all the work or he steps up and asks his mom for help. The

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm on your side; if she's not helping with what you need help with them she may as well go home. That said, was this a surprise surgery or did you know it was coming? If you knew it was coming then why didn't you stock your own freezer with eight weeks worth of dinners and soups and stuff? Then you'd just need to slap together some pbj and fruit for the kids and yourself during the day.

We did stock up. We had a gap in between my mom leaving and MIL coming so we used up freezer stash. I'm not sure we could fit 8 weeks of meals in the freezer but we used up what we were able to store.

[Anonymous]

I personally don't buy the DIL vs. daughter excuse. If the woman implied she would "help", she should be helping. OP, have you tried spelling out the things you need help with, in a nice way?

More importantly, is she a nice person, in general, or is she just there for bragging rights? Bragging rights help no one in which case, now you know, and next time she can stay home. In which case, you will have to hire help.

[Anonymous]

I agree. She's being helpful with the shuttling of the children. Just look at that as the main task she is assisting you with. Your husband can pick up the slack.

As for dinners: Costco has an amazing $10 pizza. It feeds us twice! Send MIL up to Costco to pick one up. You can order it. Have her grab some rotisserie chickens and some of their premodern sides, there is more prepared dinner. They have awesome pot pie, meatloaf, Mac and cheese, and other awesome prepared meals, all perfect for this situation.

[Anonymous]

If you don't have a desk that will fit in your room, have your husband pick up an inexpensive card table/folding table, they come in different sizes, and make room for it in your bedroom. When she gets home with the two kids and is just starting dinner (or deciding what she wants for take-out), let her handle it on her own. Keep a stash of granola bars in your room so you can wait if dinner is delayed. Let dh handle the night stuff when he gets home.

This is a ridiculous situation. She came to help you and other than the driving, she's on vacation. Pulling out the garbage would have pushed me over the edge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't have a desk that will fit in your room, have your husband pick up an inexpensive card table/folding table, they come in different sizes, and make room for it in your bedroom. When she gets home with the two kids and is just starting dinner (or deciding what she wants for take-out), let her handle it on her own. Keep a stash of granola bars in your room so you can wait if dinner is delayed. Let dh handle the night stuff when he gets home.

This is a ridiculous situation. She came to help you and other than the driving, she's on vacation. Pulling out the garbage would have pushed me over the edge.

Huh. Most DH's would probably rather take out the trash themselves than allow their older mother to do it.

Why can't her DH take out the trash?

[Anonymous]

If your mom is so great, why did she fail to prepare freezer meals for your MIL to warm up?
You are so cheap!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your mom is so great, why did she fail to prepare freezer meals for your MIL to warm up?
You are so cheap!!!!!

Sounds like she did, but they ate them all in the time between mothers. Honestly, I fail to see why the meal prep is such a big deal when there are a zillion quick solutions. This sounds like a little bit of displaced anger at the husband, who should have no problem stepping up and loading the dishwasher and taking out the trash, for pete's sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We brought my MIL in town to help us out with two small kids (a 3 year old and a new walker) after a major surgery I needed to have that has me on crutches for 6-8 weeks and unable to drive. She is helping us for 2 weeks. My mother was here for 2 weeks and was extraordinarily helpful and very responsive.

Aside from getting the kids to and from day care (a very short trip), my MIL really hasn't been very helpful. DH says that's just the way she is and we should be grateful for her help driving, but I feel like I'm going crazy watching her all day (I'm able to work remotely) do nothing when there are a million things we have suggested she can help with.

I've asked her if she can start prepping up dinner ahead of picking up the kids (we have made a menu and have groceries) and every single day, she says she prefers to cook after the kids get home from day care, which is really hard because I'm unable to be very helpful with the littler one, who needs more attention, due to my crutches. She also most nights just suggested we get take out (and it has often ended up on our dollar which we could have easily done without her here and with one less person to feed).Since she's so averse to cooking, I know she would never help to prep up some freezer meals for us to have after she leaves. And at dinner time, every single night, I have to say, oh, hey, would you mind bringing some plates over to the table and grab some milk for the kids? Clearly I can't carry things. She just stands there and talks.

Last night, she was home for an hour and a half after the younger one went to bed (DH and I had to run an errand with our older child) and when we got back, the garbage can was full in the middle of the kitchen, like she pulled it out so we knew it needed to be changed, but she didn't change it. So I hobbled over to do it on my crutches and then I tried to finish the dishes and put the soap in to start the washer and she heard me banging around and came over and said "what are you doing over here? you shouldn't be doing that."

I'm working remotely on a limited schedule due to doc appts. and PT and trying to log as many hours as I can so I can bring in some money and every single day she sits there and yaps and yaps. I have tried to tell her I could be more attentive to a conversation if we can take a lunch break together or whatever but she just disregards what I say. She's the kind of person who can talk nonstop about herself. Then I don't log the work hours I have said I'm going to do. We have a small house so aside from sitting on my bed with my computer in my lap, which is what I'm doing now, I can't escape because if I sit at the table, she thinks I'm on break.

I feel like I am asking pointedly about what I need help with and DH won't step in. Do I just bite my lip until she leaves or should he say something?

I understand that you're frustrated, but this part of your post seems to offer a lot of insight. Instead of asking for help, from either your MIL or your DH, who was home at the time, you decided to make a scene by banging around doing it yourself. I'm sure your DH may have been busy with your 3 year old, but he could have taken out the trash when he was done, and I'm sure one of them would have started the dishwasher before going to bed.

You're "sure" of a lot of things, aren't you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom is so great, why did she fail to prepare freezer meals for your MIL to warm up?
You are so cheap!!!!!

Sounds like she did, but they ate them all in the time between mothers. Honestly, I fail to see why the meal prep is such a big deal when there are a zillion quick solutions. This sounds like a little bit of displaced anger at the husband, who should have no problem stepping up and loading the dishwasher and taking out the trash, for pete's sake.

yes of course. we just try to have dishes washed before bed so we can prep up bottles at night (younger child is on last leg of bottles as she transitions to next room at day care so this won't be as big of an issue in the coming weeks.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I'm on your side; if she's not helping with what you need help with them she may as well go home. That said, was this a surprise surgery or did you know it was coming? If you knew it was coming then why didn't you stock your own freezer with eight weeks worth of dinners and soups and stuff? Then you'd just need to slap together some pbj and fruit for the kids and yourself during the day.

We did stock up. We had a gap in between my mom leaving and MIL coming so we used up freezer stash. I'm not sure we could fit 8 weeks of meals in the freezer but we used up what we were able to store.

Why couldn't your DH make some meals ?????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your mom is so great, why did she fail to prepare freezer meals for your MIL to warm up?
You are so cheap!!!!!

Sounds like she did, but they ate them all in the time between mothers. Honestly, I fail to see why the meal prep is such a big deal when there are a zillion quick solutions. This sounds like a little bit of displaced anger at the husband, who should have no problem stepping up and loading the dishwasher and taking out the trash, for pete's sake.

I thought OP prepped those meals? I thought it was a planned surgery.