Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally cool. I get that you don't have to agree with me. I have 12 pins and a screw bolting a bunch of iron rings to my leg. Completely and totally unsafe for a small wobbly child to be around and we told both moms (mine and MIL) I have strict doc's orders to not be alone with the kids. Perhaps I should have said that to start.

Is she leaving you alone with kids? Because it doesn't sound like it.

When she wants to prep up dinner after kids get home or run to get take out before DH is back, pretty much yeah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you sound awful, OP. Your MIL is not your servant or slave! She's helping, presumably to the best of her ability, and you're furious that she hadn't taken out the trash before you returned home? And that she's not making freezer meals 24/7 or paying for your takeout? What planet do you live on where this is a requirement for family?

I say this as someone who had a serious neurological condition that prevented me from driving for 3 months and severely incapacitated me in most other respects. So I fully understand a medical emergency. But I somehow managed to work FT and care for 2 kids without ever expecting a relative to become my indentured servant.

NP here. Just wanted to say congrats PP, you win the misery Olympics! Or is it the martyr prize that you were after?

The rest of us prefer to ask for help when we need it. Recovering from surgery is one of those times. Making meals and watching the kids when OP can't walk is the basics of what constitutes helping. If MIL did not want to help, it is beyond rude and selfish to impose a houseguest type of visit when OP is recovering from surgery and needs help from people who actually care about her wellbeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you sound awful, OP. Your MIL is not your servant or slave! She's helping, presumably to the best of her ability, and you're furious that she hadn't taken out the trash before you returned home? And that she's not making freezer meals 24/7 or paying for your takeout? What planet do you live on where this is a requirement for family?

I say this as someone who had a serious neurological condition that prevented me from driving for 3 months and severely incapacitated me in most other respects. So I fully understand a medical emergency. But I somehow managed to work FT and care for 2 kids without ever expecting a relative to become my indentured servant.

Look, if someone comes for the purpose of "helpling," it's reasonable to expect that they might actually help.

It sounds like you all got set up to fail, OP: If DH knew his mother really wouldn't be helpful beyond daycare drop off and pick up and could very well just sit around wanting to chat, well, then, why did he suggest she come at all? Why is this an "after the fact" issue?

I would put this back on your DH to fix: 1) To remind his mother that you need to work during the day as much as possible and 2) To pick up the slack you'd hoped she would be helping with (or, worst case scenario, ask her to go home early because it's just not working).

And: Send them out of the house this weekend, DH and his mom with the kids, and maybe you can get some work done in peace while they're gone. DH can take everybody grocery shopping too (with the kids) and he and his mom can pick out some simple frozen foods that she feels comfortable preparing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Totally cool. I get that you don't have to agree with me. I have 12 pins and a screw bolting a bunch of iron rings to my leg. Completely and totally unsafe for a small wobbly child to be around and we told both moms (mine and MIL) I have strict doc's orders to not be alone with the kids. Perhaps I should have said that to start.

Is she leaving you alone with kids? Because it doesn't sound like it.

When she wants to prep up dinner after kids get home or run to get take out before DH is back, pretty much yeah.

Okay, then can you prep dinner while she plays with the kids?

[Anonymous]

Op, posters here are nuts. Your MIL sounds awful and I would absolutely INSIST that she leave now. Cut the visit short. She came UNDER THE PRETENSE of helping, and yet, she has done almost no helping. You have two small children, recent surgery and workin from home. She is a detriment not a help. I would tell DH that he tells his mother it's time to end the trip, or you are going to tell her yourself. You don't have to scream it in her face. I would just tell her that this situation isn't working out for you the way you had hoped, and due to that you are going to have to politely ask her to leave.

[Anonymous]

Who is choosing the meals? If you are doing all the choosing and planning, they might be meals she is not familiar with and is hesitant to cook. I would ask her to choose 2-3 meals per week to cook, whatever she would like. Have her make enough for leftovers. Don't expect her to cook something from scratch each night that is not within her own repertoire.

[Anonymous]

I thought the reason MIL is visiting is to help OP handle the difficult situation. She's is most definitely not a guest.

OP, it'd be nice if we all had helpful family, wouldn't it? But it is what it is. Next time you'll know that MIL is only capable of being a guest, and when you're hurt, it's a not a good time for a visit from MIL in particular. Good thing your mom was awesome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, posters here are nuts. Your MIL sounds awful and I would absolutely INSIST that she leave now. Cut the visit short. She came UNDER THE PRETENSE of helping, and yet, she has done almost no helping. You have two small children, recent surgery and workin from home. She is a detriment not a help. I would tell DH that he tells his mother it's time to end the trip, or you are going to tell her yourself. You don't have to scream it in her face. I would just tell her that this situation isn't working out for you the way you had hoped, and due to that you are going to have to politely ask her to leave.

Then who is going to pick up the kids and entertain them while her DH isn't home?

[Anonymous]

Ugh your husband sucks. You're stuck at home all day with a MIL who not only doesn't help you, but majorly gets in your way. And also, it's mentally frustrating and distracting to be EXPECTING help that you clearly aren't receiving, as opposed to never expecting it in the first place. Your husband needs to handle his lazy mother, WHO IS NOT THERE AS A GUEST BTW. Whoever said that is a moron.

[Anonymous]

MIL agreed to help while OP recovers. MIL is not being helpful so it is understandable why the OP is annoyed. It's not like OP asking MIL to do anything unusual- making meals, taking out the trash, etc are all fairly standard. If MIL didn't want to help or couldn't, then she shouldn't have agreed to help. The kids go to daycare. So what does MIL do all day besides talk to OP?

With that being said, I wouldn't say anything and just try to wait out the two weeks. Take this visit as a lesson for the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, posters here are nuts. Your MIL sounds awful and I would absolutely INSIST that she leave now. Cut the visit short. She came UNDER THE PRETENSE of helping, and yet, she has done almost no helping. You have two small children, recent surgery and workin from home. She is a detriment not a help. I would tell DH that he tells his mother it's time to end the trip, or you are going to tell her yourself. You don't have to scream it in her face. I would just tell her that this situation isn't working out for you the way you had hoped, and due to that you are going to have to politely ask her to leave.

Then who is going to pick up the kids and entertain them while her DH isn't home?

Not the PP.

Op, do you have someone else in your life that can just simply do drop off and pick up? A friend or other family member that you can pay? Because this situation as it is is only going to damage your relationship with your MIL.

[Anonymous]

OMG, OP, are you sock puppeting here? There can't really be this many adults who think that their parents should be at their beck and call 24/7, can there? Are you all millennials?

OP and PPs, I'm the one who said I dealt with a serious neurological condition without demanding a relative move in and do everything I commanded. I don't think that makes me a martyr or even unusual - my neighbor managed 3 kids and a job while her husband was deployed to Afganistan. My other friend recovered from ACL surgery while working FT and raising kids (w/one overnight on the surgery day.) I have friends with cancer and Parkinsons; others who are caring for disabled kids and parents.

We all just get up and do what we have to do. Of course, family pitches in if they can - but that doesn't mean they move in for weeks and manage every single child/household related task exactly as we demand. Being responsible for yourself and your own family, even when you've got an injury or other issue, is not martyrdom; it's adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you sound awful, OP. Your MIL is not your servant or slave! She's helping, presumably to the best of her ability, and you're furious that she hadn't taken out the trash before you returned home? And that she's not making freezer meals 24/7 or paying for your takeout? What planet do you live on where this is a requirement for family?

I say this as someone who had a serious neurological condition that prevented me from driving for 3 months and severely incapacitated me in most other respects. So I fully understand a medical emergency. But I somehow managed to work FT and care for 2 kids without ever expecting a relative to become my indentured servant.

Perhaps our conditions are different. I didn't ask for her to do an exceptional amount of work. Very discrete tasks.

You really are awful OP. Repeat after me: your MIL is helping you out, driving your kids, putting them to bed, helping get food on the table for everyone (yourself included.) The proper response to such help is gratitude.

If she's interfering with your ability to get work done (more, say, than wasting time on DCUM) then go into another room and close the door. Be an adult and tell her you need to focus. NBD.

But if you think your MIL is obligated to do everything you instruct her to do exactly as you see fit (and pay for your takeout too - what a cheapskate!) you've got a very transactional view of family. Unless you are suddenly paralyzed below the neck (which your DCUM posting rate suggests is not the case) you are still capable of managing basic tasks (even preparing for dinner believe it or not!)

+1

How about just picking up the phone and ordering delivery for a few weeks. Arrange for another parent at daycare to take your kids and drop them off. Have DH do the light cleaning and bedtime AND take out the trash! Hire a housecleaner for deep cleaning. OR just accept the help your getting even though it's not exactly what you want.

You don't need to complain about the free and uncomplicated help you are getting. When someone is helping it doesn't mean that you get to dictate all the details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP, are you sock puppeting here? There can't really be this many adults who think that their parents should be at their beck and call 24/7, can there? Are you all millennials?

OP and PPs, I'm the one who said I dealt with a serious neurological condition without demanding a relative move in and do everything I commanded. I don't think that makes me a martyr or even unusual - my neighbor managed 3 kids and a job while her husband was deployed to Afganistan. My other friend recovered from ACL surgery while working FT and raising kids (w/one overnight on the surgery day.) I have friends with cancer and Parkinsons; others who are caring for disabled kids and parents.

We all just get up and do what we have to do. Of course, family pitches in if they can - but that doesn't mean they move in for weeks and manage every single child/household related task exactly as we demand. Being responsible for yourself and your own family, even when you've got an injury or other issue, is not martyrdom; it's adulthood.

Jesus your reading comprehension is SUCK.

Good for you handling your business. A lot of people have dealt with shitty situations on their own. YOU'RE COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT. Op never said she expected her MIL to be her slave, and is pissed that she won't agree to be her slave. Op is annoyed because MIL AGREED TO HELP WITH CHORES/DINNERS/KIDS around the house. Now she is LIVING in their home for the next 2 weeks and is a drain on their finances as well as distracting for OP during her work hours. MIL LIED about what she is willing to do to help OP. THAT is the problem. If op came on here saying "I asked my MIL to move in for two weeks to run my household and clean everything and she said no, what a bitch!" we who are showing OP support would be singing a different tune. MIL is an adult and has every right to decline staying with someone for 2 weeks to help with house duties, chores, cooking, etc. What she shouldn't do, and is frankly a totally disgusting move, is PROMISE to help out, and then BARELY help out, waste OP's time, distract her and spend their money on takeout food. NOT helpful and I would remove that person from my home immediately if I found myself in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP, are you sock puppeting here? There can't really be this many adults who think that their parents should be at their beck and call 24/7, can there? Are you all millennials?

OP and PPs, I'm the one who said I dealt with a serious neurological condition without demanding a relative move in and do everything I commanded. I don't think that makes me a martyr or even unusual - my neighbor managed 3 kids and a job while her husband was deployed to Afganistan. My other friend recovered from ACL surgery while working FT and raising kids (w/one overnight on the surgery day.) I have friends with cancer and Parkinsons; others who are caring for disabled kids and parents.

We all just get up and do what we have to do. Of course, family pitches in if they can - but that doesn't mean they move in for weeks and manage every single child/household related task exactly as we demand. Being responsible for yourself and your own family, even when you've got an injury or other issue, is not martyrdom; it's adulthood.

THIS!