Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?

[Anonymous]

I think it's a lesson learned that your MIL isn't up to the job for whatever the reason. How old is she and does she possibly have a hard time with arthritis? Maybe she feels out of her element and unfamiliar with how you cook and do other household chores. It comes more naturally to your own mom.

I stayed 6 weeks to help my daughter when she had surgery. I drove, shopped, cooked, cleaned, did all laundry, took care of her dog, etc. so she could focus on her work. She isn't married and doesn't have children yet, but it's good to know that I was a help and not annoying. A big part was that she didn't have to explain what she needed because we are similar. I just knew when to be quiet so she could work, or what she needed. I sure hope I can be as helpful to my future DIL and son.

Maybe your MIL is lazy, but maybe she just doesn't know how to be helpful and things are unfamiliar to her. I have arthritis and tend to not say when something's hurting - maybe she's dealing with that. Eat simple meals, and hire someone if you need for cleaning, etc.

FWIW, my own parents and inlaws were no help to us when we really needed it. We had to figure it out. Seriously my parents felt their job was done when I graduated high school! We have made a point of helping when needed, not all parents want to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP, are you sock puppeting here? There can't really be this many adults who think that their parents should be at their beck and call 24/7, can there? Are you all millennials?

OP and PPs, I'm the one who said I dealt with a serious neurological condition without demanding a relative move in and do everything I commanded. I don't think that makes me a martyr or even unusual - my neighbor managed 3 kids and a job while her husband was deployed to Afganistan. My other friend recovered from ACL surgery while working FT and raising kids (w/one overnight on the surgery day.) I have friends with cancer and Parkinsons; others who are caring for disabled kids and parents.

We all just get up and do what we have to do. Of course, family pitches in if they can - but that doesn't mean they move in for weeks and manage every single child/household related task exactly as we demand. Being responsible for yourself and your own family, even when you've got an injury or other issue, is not martyrdom; it's adulthood.

PP it sounds like you're failing at adulthood.

Part of being an adult is knowing your limitations, asking for help when you need it and building a strong support system for your family. Your attitude that adulthood means overextending yourself and dealing with emergencies solo is basically failing at life. Your life sounds terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP, are you sock puppeting here? There can't really be this many adults who think that their parents should be at their beck and call 24/7, can there? Are you all millennials?

OP and PPs, I'm the one who said I dealt with a serious neurological condition without demanding a relative move in and do everything I commanded. I don't think that makes me a martyr or even unusual - my neighbor managed 3 kids and a job while her husband was deployed to Afganistan. My other friend recovered from ACL surgery while working FT and raising kids (w/one overnight on the surgery day.) I have friends with cancer and Parkinsons; others who are caring for disabled kids and parents.

We all just get up and do what we have to do. Of course, family pitches in if they can - but that doesn't mean they move in for weeks and manage every single child/household related task exactly as we demand. Being responsible for yourself and your own family, even when you've got an injury or other issue, is not martyrdom; it's adulthood.

If MIL agreed to help for two weeks, then it is reasonable to expect her to be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP, are you sock puppeting here? There can't really be this many adults who think that their parents should be at their beck and call 24/7, can there? Are you all millennials?

OP and PPs, I'm the one who said I dealt with a serious neurological condition without demanding a relative move in and do everything I commanded. I don't think that makes me a martyr or even unusual - my neighbor managed 3 kids and a job while her husband was deployed to Afganistan. My other friend recovered from ACL surgery while working FT and raising kids (w/one overnight on the surgery day.) I have friends with cancer and Parkinsons; others who are caring for disabled kids and parents.

We all just get up and do what we have to do. Of course, family pitches in if they can - but that doesn't mean they move in for weeks and manage every single child/household related task exactly as we demand. Being responsible for yourself and your own family, even when you've got an injury or other issue, is not martyrdom; it's adulthood.

Jesus your reading comprehension is SUCK.

Good for you handling your business. A lot of people have dealt with shitty situations on their own. YOU'RE COMPLETELY MISSING THE POINT. Op never said she expected her MIL to be her slave, and is pissed that she won't agree to be her slave. Op is annoyed because MIL AGREED TO HELP WITH CHORES/DINNERS/KIDS around the house. Now she is LIVING in their home for the next 2 weeks and is a drain on their finances as well as distracting for OP during her work hours. MIL LIED about what she is willing to do to help OP. THAT is the problem. If op came on here saying "I asked my MIL to move in for two weeks to run my household and clean everything and she said no, what a bitch!" we who are showing OP support would be singing a different tune. MIL is an adult and has every right to decline staying with someone for 2 weeks to help with house duties, chores, cooking, etc. What she shouldn't do, and is frankly a totally disgusting move, is PROMISE to help out, and then BARELY help out, waste OP's time, distract her and spend their money on takeout food. NOT helpful and I would remove that person from my home immediately if I found myself in that situation.

PP isn't missing the point at all, she doesn't seem to think there is a point.

If MIL wasn't willing to help she shouldn't have come. Although maybe it wasn't all made clear ahead of time, I don't know.

Oh and for the adult/martyr poster above -- here's a pat on the back. I have a disability and manage as much as I can on my own. When I DO ask for help, it annoys me off when someone agrees and then half asses it. No, I'm not a millennial.

OP didn't ask for her MIL to be at her beck and call 24/7. If you read, it seems OP would actually like MIL to not be quite so in-your-face sometimes.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are naive, you cannot compare your Mom to your MIL, that's just the way life is. I never ask my MIL to help because I know that she will do a basic job and I will be left caring for another person, my MIL is a nice woman and we get along fine but she is not very motivated to help her DIL. Also, free help comes with it own set of issues, you can't demand much. She should be pitching in more but honestly I don't see that happening, consider it a lesson well learned and don't repeat the mistake. Politically speaking, your expectation should be that your MIL won't do all that your Mom did because the truth is you aren't her child, to expect otherwise is super naive.

Disclaimer: Some MILs are super helpful, just because yours or mine are not inclined to help doesn't mean all MILs are mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a lesson learned that your MIL isn't up to the job for whatever the reason. How old is she and does she possibly have a hard time with arthritis? Maybe she feels out of her element and unfamiliar with how you cook and do other household chores. It comes more naturally to your own mom.

I stayed 6 weeks to help my daughter when she had surgery. I drove, shopped, cooked, cleaned, did all laundry, took care of her dog, etc. so she could focus on her work. She isn't married and doesn't have children yet, but it's good to know that I was a help and not annoying. A big part was that she didn't have to explain what she needed because we are similar. I just knew when to be quiet so she could work, or what she needed. I sure hope I can be as helpful to my future DIL and son.

Maybe your MIL is lazy, but maybe she just doesn't know how to be helpful and things are unfamiliar to her. I have arthritis and tend to not say when something's hurting - maybe she's dealing with that. Eat simple meals, and hire someone if you need for cleaning, etc.

FWIW, my own parents and inlaws were no help to us when we really needed it. We had to figure it out. Seriously my parents felt their job was done when I graduated high school! We have made a point of helping when needed, not all parents want to do that.

Good question- my MIL is 15 yrs younger and much more active and well than my own mom. Certainly could be her being out of her element but from the perspective of a parent myself, part of this is about wanting to contribute. If my child needed this type of support and I didn't work (she does not and has not for 30 years) and I had full ability to help, I would certainly ask how I could be helpful and certainly try to offer the help that was asked.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to put things in order. First thing, move a small desk into your bedroom so you can work there with the door closed.

Second thing, re-work the evenings so you are NOT trying to manage the small kid alone. This probably means you'll have to get takeout/do frozen. Don't even plan on her helping make dinner at all beyond sticking it in the oven/micro.

Third thing, you're just going to have to swallow your annoyance and ASK her to do things repeatedly, like put the plates on the table etc.

Fourth thing, DH needs to step up and plan meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a lesson learned that your MIL isn't up to the job for whatever the reason. How old is she and does she possibly have a hard time with arthritis? Maybe she feels out of her element and unfamiliar with how you cook and do other household chores. It comes more naturally to your own mom.

I stayed 6 weeks to help my daughter when she had surgery. I drove, shopped, cooked, cleaned, did all laundry, took care of her dog, etc. so she could focus on her work. She isn't married and doesn't have children yet, but it's good to know that I was a help and not annoying. A big part was that she didn't have to explain what she needed because we are similar. I just knew when to be quiet so she could work, or what she needed. I sure hope I can be as helpful to my future DIL and son.

Maybe your MIL is lazy, but maybe she just doesn't know how to be helpful and things are unfamiliar to her. I have arthritis and tend to not say when something's hurting - maybe she's dealing with that. Eat simple meals, and hire someone if you need for cleaning, etc.

FWIW, my own parents and inlaws were no help to us when we really needed it. We had to figure it out. Seriously my parents felt their job was done when I graduated high school! We have made a point of helping when needed, not all parents want to do that.

Good question- my MIL is 15 yrs younger and much more active and well than my own mom. Certainly could be her being out of her element but from the perspective of a parent myself, part of this is about wanting to contribute. If my child needed this type of support and I didn't work (she does not and has not for 30 years) and I had full ability to help, I would certainly ask how I could be helpful and certainly try to offer the help that was asked.

And its wonderful that you were able to help your daughter for an extended period and that you did so graciously.

[Anonymous]

I would just suck it up. It sounds like she is providing SOME value - picking up children from daycare, an extra adult to watch the little one, and basic household stuff (she waved you off when she heard you loading the dishes and taking out the trash). Expecting her to cook from your menu is obviously not working out, so just have her make spaghetti or pizza or a big salad or whatever is easy. Or DH can do the meal prep at night after the kids are in bed. Where is he in all this?

I get that it's not as good as your parents, but that is not the end of the world. Some people just aren't that good at figuring out how to slot themselves seamlessly into someone else's home.

[Anonymous]

How about this OP, order dinner delivered, say thanks to your MIL for driving kids everywhere, and show some gratitude? Bcs right now, she didn't prep for dinner, but then next post she leaves the kids with you when she preps dinner? She drives the kids around, but doesn't take the trash out? You should be grateful for any help you are getting, as you could be getting none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's a lesson learned that your MIL isn't up to the job for whatever the reason. How old is she and does she possibly have a hard time with arthritis? Maybe she feels out of her element and unfamiliar with how you cook and do other household chores. It comes more naturally to your own mom.

I stayed 6 weeks to help my daughter when she had surgery. I drove, shopped, cooked, cleaned, did all laundry, took care of her dog, etc. so she could focus on her work. She isn't married and doesn't have children yet, but it's good to know that I was a help and not annoying. A big part was that she didn't have to explain what she needed because we are similar. I just knew when to be quiet so she could work, or what she needed. I sure hope I can be as helpful to my future DIL and son.

Maybe your MIL is lazy, but maybe she just doesn't know how to be helpful and things are unfamiliar to her. I have arthritis and tend to not say when something's hurting - maybe she's dealing with that. Eat simple meals, and hire someone if you need for cleaning, etc.

FWIW, my own parents and inlaws were no help to us when we really needed it. We had to figure it out. Seriously my parents felt their job was done when I graduated high school! We have made a point of helping when needed, not all parents want to do that.

Good question- my MIL is 15 yrs younger and much more active and well than my own mom. Certainly could be her being out of her element but from the perspective of a parent myself, part of this is about wanting to contribute. If my child needed this type of support and I didn't work (she does not and has not for 30 years) and I had full ability to help, I would certainly ask how I could be helpful and certainly try to offer the help that was asked.

And its wonderful that you were able to help your daughter for an extended period and that you did so graciously.

pp here. It actually felt really nice to help her out. My daughter is very independent and doesn't ask for much at all, so it was special that I could spend that time with her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We brought my MIL in town to help us out with two small kids (a 3 year old and a new walker) after a major surgery I needed to have that has me on crutches for 6-8 weeks and unable to drive. She is helping us for 2 weeks. My mother was here for 2 weeks and was extraordinarily helpful and very responsive.

Aside from getting the kids to and from day care (a very short trip), my MIL really hasn't been very helpful. DH says that's just the way she is and we should be grateful for her help driving, but I feel like I'm going crazy watching her all day (I'm able to work remotely) do nothing when there are a million things we have suggested she can help with.

I've asked her if she can start prepping up dinner ahead of picking up the kids (we have made a menu and have groceries) and every single day, she says she prefers to cook after the kids get home from day care, which is really hard because I'm unable to be very helpful with the littler one, who needs more attention, due to my crutches. She also most nights just suggested we get take out (and it has often ended up on our dollar which we could have easily done without her here and with one less person to feed).Since she's so averse to cooking, I know she would never help to prep up some freezer meals for us to have after she leaves. And at dinner time, every single night, I have to say, oh, hey, would you mind bringing some plates over to the table and grab some milk for the kids? Clearly I can't carry things. She just stands there and talks.

Last night, she was home for an hour and a half after the younger one went to bed (DH and I had to run an errand with our older child) and when we got back, the garbage can was full in the middle of the kitchen, like she pulled it out so we knew it needed to be changed, but she didn't change it. So I hobbled over to do it on my crutches and then I tried to finish the dishes and put the soap in to start the washer and she heard me banging around and came over and said "what are you doing over here? you shouldn't be doing that."

I'm working remotely on a limited schedule due to doc appts. and PT and trying to log as many hours as I can so I can bring in some money and every single day she sits there and yaps and yaps. I have tried to tell her I could be more attentive to a conversation if we can take a lunch break together or whatever but she just disregards what I say. She's the kind of person who can talk nonstop about herself. Then I don't log the work hours I have said I'm going to do. We have a small house so aside from sitting on my bed with my computer in my lap, which is what I'm doing now, I can't escape because if I sit at the table, she thinks I'm on break.

I feel like I am asking pointedly about what I need help with and DH won't step in. Do I just bite my lip until she leaves or should he say something?

I understand that you're frustrated, but this part of your post seems to offer a lot of insight. Instead of asking for help, from either your MIL or your DH, who was home at the time, you decided to make a scene by banging around doing it yourself. I'm sure your DH may have been busy with your 3 year old, but he could have taken out the trash when he was done, and I'm sure one of them would have started the dishwasher before going to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL agreed to help while OP recovers. MIL is not being helpful so it is understandable why the OP is annoyed. It's not like OP asking MIL to do anything unusual- making meals, taking out the trash, etc are all fairly standard. If MIL didn't want to help or couldn't, then she shouldn't have agreed to help. The kids go to daycare. So what does MIL do all day besides talk to OP?

With that being said, I wouldn't say anything and just try to wait out the two weeks. Take this visit as a lesson for the future.

+1. Your complaining is justified. You had surgery and mil was asked to help. Your mil might not know how to cook and is embarrassed. Ask your dh to cook all the meals. Better yet ask dh to take leave right now. If you complain to mil, it will only be awkward and affect your relationship. Ask her to take the kids out of the house to play, ask her to drive the kids, ask her to do things that she would like to do. She likes to talk, ask her to help kids with homework and play with the little one.

[Anonymous]

You need to hire help. Your DH knows this is just the way she is. Pay someone to prep dinner, wash dishes, do laundry. Or have your husband do it. It's two weeks he should be stepping up and washing the dishes after he puts the kid to bed. Stop acting like a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Just walk away when you see the dishes not done or the trash not taken out. They will get to it eventually. You mention that it drives you crazy to see her doing nothing, so it sounds like you are trying to shame her into feeling guilty.

Learning to give up control is a good exercise for all of us, and letting someone help you is a gift to them, too.

Soon enough you will be back to normal and you can cook and clean things exactly the way you like.