Unhelpful MIL- whose job to tell her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't even need to read your whole post. Yes, of course you bite your lip! In the end, she is your guest, not your employee. In the future, don't expect that she will be helpful when she visits.

WTF? No, she is not just a guest! The OPs family asked if she'd be willing to come help while OP recovered from surgery. If the MIL did not want to help, she was not obligated to say yes. However, if she agrees to come help and then wants to be waited on and treated like a guest, that's worse than doing nothing.

OP, you absolutely need to talk to DH and insist that he talks to her. She needs to help or pack up and leave. When someone is recovering from surgery, they are in no position to host house guests!

THIS!! She is not here for a visit, she is here specifically to help out. If she's not being helpful, your DH should absolutely talk to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you sound awful, OP. Your MIL is not your servant or slave! She's helping, presumably to the best of her ability, and you're furious that she hadn't taken out the trash before you returned home? And that she's not making freezer meals 24/7 or paying for your takeout? What planet do you live on where this is a requirement for family?

I say this as someone who had a serious neurological condition that prevented me from driving for 3 months and severely incapacitated me in most other respects. So I fully understand a medical emergency. But I somehow managed to work FT and care for 2 kids without ever expecting a relative to become my indentured servant.

Perhaps our conditions are different. I didn't ask for her to do an exceptional amount of work. Very discrete tasks.

Not the same pp. Discrete tasks? Prep and make dinner, make meals to freeze for when she leaves, drive the kids all around. My very good friend had a knee surgery and husband in Iraq, she got help for a couple of weeks and few of us drove her kids when we could. She was on crutches and she cooked and cleaned and put the kids to bed. I am right and I am not from DC area originally, people here are the worst spoiled adult brats ever created.
She doesn't like cooking, maybe she isn't good at it, she didn't take the trash out? Maybe she is just a slob OP and not up to your standard of servitude.

[Anonymous]

Driving is a key task that she is doing. The other things are optional or can wait until DH comes home. That would be rude of you to ask for more help. Next time, you know what you are getting so decline and hire help if your mom can't be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, you sound awful, OP. Your MIL is not your servant or slave! She's helping, presumably to the best of her ability, and you're furious that she hadn't taken out the trash before you returned home? And that she's not making freezer meals 24/7 or paying for your takeout? What planet do you live on where this is a requirement for family?

I say this as someone who had a serious neurological condition that prevented me from driving for 3 months and severely incapacitated me in most other respects. So I fully understand a medical emergency. But I somehow managed to work FT and care for 2 kids without ever expecting a relative to become my indentured servant.

Perhaps our conditions are different. I didn't ask for her to do an exceptional amount of work. Very discrete tasks.

You really are awful OP. Repeat after me: your MIL is helping you out, driving your kids, putting them to bed, helping get food on the table for everyone (yourself included.) The proper response to such help is gratitude.

If she's interfering with your ability to get work done (more, say, than wasting time on DCUM) then go into another room and close the door. Be an adult and tell her you need to focus. NBD.

But if you think your MIL is obligated to do everything you instruct her to do exactly as you see fit (and pay for your takeout too - what a cheapskate!) you've got a very transactional view of family. Unless you are suddenly paralyzed below the neck (which your DCUM posting rate suggests is not the case) you are still capable of managing basic tasks (even preparing for dinner believe it or not!)

[Anonymous]

Its unfortunate that the MIL obviously cannot cook, or hates cooking, given that's your biggest need.

Note this for future reference and just don't get her back any other time you need the help.

Get your own mom back, intuitively she's going to be better placed to help you, and you can avoid the tension / tiptoeing around people thing which is what is going on here.

You're behaving badly, pull your finger out of your ass and chat to this woman, have a coffee with her and thank her.

[Anonymous]

I was just in your shoes, recovering from major surgery with my parents in the house, and oh my God, your MIL is such a pain!!!

My father did laundry and cleaned the house, prepped meals before the kids came home, paid for groceries, my mother helped the kids with their homework... they were so incredibly helpful. It's understood that not all parents can reach those giddy heights.

I think you need to pick your battles with this stupid woman. Personally, I would be more blunt about preserving work time, because it's PAID WORK:
"Sorry MIL, but 9-12 is my work time, I'm behind in my hours as it is because I didn't make that clear to you as soon as you came so we fell into this conversation thing. If I have a doctor's appointment, then I have to make them up later as well."

And let the rest go. Things will go over better if she's not inundated with criticism. I know it's a pain to order meals and have the kids whine because MIL decided not to prep dinner before they came home and no one can look after them. But in the grand scheme of things, everyone will get over it. However, if you don't your work, you could be fired, so that has long-term consequences.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I read posts on dcum and just shake my head. I've said it once and I'll say it again. I am so thankful for my DIL.

[Anonymous]

Totally cool. I get that you don't have to agree with me. I have 12 pins and a screw bolting a bunch of iron rings to my leg. Completely and totally unsafe for a small wobbly child to be around and we told both moms (mine and MIL) I have strict doc's orders to not be alone with the kids. Perhaps I should have said that to start.

[Anonymous]

Well, it kinda sucks that you brought her to help and she is not helping as much as you hoped. A couple of things need to happen. You need to lower your standards because your standards are not the same as hers. Second, you need to accept that this is all she is going to offer, and try to do a little more yourself.

My DH was recently on crutches and while I had to do all of the heavy lifting with our toddler, he made himself quite useful. He sat at the table and did dinner prep. He was able to stand on his crutches and cook, as long as it didn't involve lifting things with 2 hands. Eventually he was able to put a chair next to the counter, bend his knee, and rest the lower half of his leg on the chair that way in order to support himself. His issue was ankle-related though, that might not work if your issue is knee-related.

A friend brought over one of those knee scooters, which would have been useful if my toddler didn't think it was just a toy.

Anyway, regarding dinner, I would do it the night before along with your DH. That way it's easy for someone to throw it together at crunch time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We brought my MIL in town to help us out with two small kids (a 3 year old and a new walker) after a major surgery

So what did she agree to initially? Vague "help"? Or did you say, I need you to prep meals and to change the garbage bags? Because if she agreed to the latter, you have reason to be upset but still shouldn't say anything.

You said you can't be alone with the kids, and it sounds like she is fulfilling that role. You also said she drives the to daycare. But if your DH isn't surprised she's not helping with the cooking and cleaning tasks, you shouldn't be, either!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally cool. I get that you don't have to agree with me. I have 12 pins and a screw bolting a bunch of iron rings to my leg. Completely and totally unsafe for a small wobbly child to be around and we told both moms (mine and MIL) I have strict doc's orders to not be alone with the kids. Perhaps I should have said that to start.

Can you just let her take care of the kids without being responsible for chores and food? You're just setting yourself up to be frustrated since she has already shown you what she is comfortable/willing/capable of doing. She takes care of the kids, you sit at the table and chop vegetables, then stand at the stovetop with your crutches and cook. Or do it together with DH the night before so it only needs to be warmed up.

[Anonymous]

Have DH go to Costco or Trader Joe's and grab a bunch of frozen meals that MIL can pop in the oven. Paper plates.

You have to speak up firmly about working. If you don't work you don't get paid, etc. Give her directions to the library and a list of movie times while the kids are at daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Totally cool. I get that you don't have to agree with me. I have 12 pins and a screw bolting a bunch of iron rings to my leg. Completely and totally unsafe for a small wobbly child to be around and we told both moms (mine and MIL) I have strict doc's orders to not be alone with the kids. Perhaps I should have said that to start.

Is she leaving you alone with kids? Because it doesn't sound like it.

[Anonymous]

Seriously why are you even worried about "prepping" and cooking dinner right now while you're recovering? Pizza, frozen meals, cold sandwiches with precut fruit - literally whatever it takes. Absolutely no need to make this so complicated.

[Anonymous]

OP, mine would be similar. Right down to the talking and not cluing in.

I agree with putting in headphones so you can work. Suggest to or ask your dh to do whatever tasks need to be done in the evening.

As a matter of fact I'm having surgery next week and will be out of commission for a while. I haven't even suggested seeing if MIL would come out. My mom will be here for a few days and after that we'll muddle though. No small children to be concerned with luckily.