Divorced parents late in life drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Jesus. First, obviously, my comment about my mother "finishing the gig" was not meant to be literal. It's a frustration venting comment that is nonsensical. As I said, I am good with their divorce. I don't have an issue with her moving on with her life. And I absolutely do not think it's necessary for my mother to take care of my father.

What I am struggling with is the reality of losing my father to a horrific terminal illness, the demands of his care, the demands of my kids and marriage, and my career while getting complaints from my mother that we had to cancel apple picking with her because my father's health went sideways and he ended up in the ICU. I am struggling with the emotional loss and the fact that when I do bring up how hard it's been, my mother's response is less kind than my neighbor. I am struggling with the fact that despite my open invitation to come and visit with the kids, she won't do it unless I'm here, we've planned something fun because "grandmas don't babysit - they visit." Literally words, people. I am struggling because my mother is pretending that this isn't happening and expects me to live in the same strange non-reality, reality.

I had a long conversation with my sister last night. She got it even worse in terms of the guilting about not getting equal amounts of attention. We both are sort of agape at the whole thing because my father has months -- most likely -- to live. And I don't think either of us really want much to do with our mother right now because she's just being so difficult.

It sounds like your mother still has unresolved issues with your dad and whatever happened during their marriage/divorce. Maybe she thinks being accommodating while you are dealing with your dad's issues is an indirect way of helping your dad (which she clearly does not want to do). Sure, it's petty but you don't know what really went on in their marriage. Remember, it's easy for your neighbor to be sympathetic since they have no emotional connection/history with your dad.

So what? If she wants to have a relationship with her kids then she needs to be supportive of THEM while they go through this hellish time with their dad.

[Anonymous]

I get it. Even though your Mom no longer wants to help or assist with your Dad, she could at least do things to make it possible for you and your sister to help him. That's being a good parent. She's being incredibly selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. Even though your Mom no longer wants to help or assist with your Dad, she could at least do things to make it possible for you and your sister to help him. That's being a good parent. She's being incredibly selfish.

The worst part is that this mom is making demands of Op at a time like this and laying on a nasty guilt trip "I never get to spend time with my grandkids..." boohoo, even when she has said that she is not a babysitter. The woman sounds like a pill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your Dad is few hours away, correct? So you are not in fact providing full time hospice care for him? Or is he living with you? I thought you said he is few hours away?

Op doesn't say that she is providing hands on hospice care. She is saying that she and her sister are doing their best to help their dad long distance and Op has stated that she had to take time off to go to him for a few days, her husband wound up having to travel for work and only her in-laws were willing to come to help out with the kids while Op was out of town taking care of her dad. Op's mom is off having a good time and won't even acknowledge that her daughters are having a difficult and stressful time of it.

That just confirms it that OP inherited her attitude from her mom. She had to go see her Dad and excepted her mom to drop everything and come help. I accept that OP is stressed out and having a hard time, but I just can't get over that original post. It really sounds, like mother, like daughter scenario. I think if mom was still married to OP's dad OP would not lift a finger to help out, seeing how put off she is with going to visit her terminally ill father.

Your mom won't drop everything to help you if something bad happens? That's terrible! It's not a normal parent-child relationship by any means, not by a long shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd love to hear what the mom's perspective is. Maybe her ex-husband made her miserable for years, and did things that she doesn't want to disclose to her daughters, because she knows they love their father. There are more cases like this than you'd think. How is it that he has absolutely no friends or anyone else other than the daughters who will have anything to do with him?

I think people judge women too harshly when they can't meet expectations of being supportive. Maybe it's painful for OP's mom to be too involved in any of this, for reasons OP doesn't understand. She's not telling you not to take care of your dad, or that you can't love him or grieve this loss you're going through. She feels a need to keep her distance, for some reason. Maybe you'll understand some day, when you're older.

Ideally she would be more supportive, if she could be. But as an adult, you have to accept that you can't always lean on people, because they can't always stand strong enough for you to lean on. And if your mom has never been a casserole-toting, babysitting grandma type, then it's unrealistic to expect her to change now.

As someone whose mother took it out on her when her husband (my father) made her life miserable, I can tell you for a fact--it's no excuse. If OP's mom was so unhappy for years, it is not OP's fault. It shouldn't have any bearing on her relationship with her mother. I agree that if the mother wants a relationship at all, she should can what went wrong with her ex. It's irrelevant. It's not about him anymore.

[Anonymous]

So sorry for this OP - I know what you are going through. Aging parents are hard even if they are together. My kids are older than yours and we have buried two dads and are now caring for the two moms, one out of state. I could not imagine doing this when my kids were toddlers or in elementary school - it's very difficult and stressful. I agree with others that it would be nice if your mom supported you more. However, I can tell you that a lot of people simply do not help out their parents or want to care for the elderly. They put them in homes and have little contact, or leave it up to neighbors or others willing to take on the burden. You are a good daughter for doing this for your dad - I hope you talk to your mom about how hard this is for you as others suggested and see if that helps the situation.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me and I feel just like you. The only difference is that neither of my parents fared well, each of them has declined and both of them need our help to manage. It has sucked so, so, so much. I am thoroughly convinced that the health problems and all the neediness that preceded the decline would not have happened if they had stayed married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me and I feel just like you. The only difference is that neither of my parents fared well, each of them has declined and both of them need our help to manage. It has sucked so, so, so much. I am thoroughly convinced that the health problems and all the neediness that preceded the decline would not have happened if they had stayed married.

+1. Ignore all the guilty divorced peope on this thread. Aging divorced parents is super hard under the best of circumstances and your mom is being horrible. Probably because she doesn't want to acknowledge that her choices have consequences for others.

[Anonymous]

14:13 here again. I am on the way out and reading the thread in pieces. My mother also went through a period of magical thinking before she realized that her perfect life would not be materializing after the divorce. She imagined that she would have some grand life focusing on her kids, never mind that we were all busy building families and careers ourselves and did not have all the free time she wanted. She also conveniently forgot that she would need to share holidays like Christmas and was vey pissed off when we spent time with my dad. This is the neediness that I referred to previously. She had no experience being divorced and really miscalculated all the alone time and all the work she would need to do to rebuild her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:13 here again. I am on the way out and reading the thread in pieces. My mother also went through a period of magical thinking before she realized that her perfect life would not be materializing after the divorce. She imagined that she would have some grand life focusing on her kids, never mind that we were all busy building families and careers ourselves and did not have all the free time she wanted. She also conveniently forgot that she would need to share holidays like Christmas and was vey pissed off when we spent time with my dad. This is the neediness that I referred to previously. She had no experience being divorced and really miscalculated all the alone time and all the work she would need to do to rebuild her life.

My mom did that too. She's normally a very realistic and sensible person, but acted like splitting holidays was totally unforseeable, and outright refused to acknowledge that caring for my dad was a different experience for me without her help. I have come to understand that this is typical of divorced people as they try to cope with the cognitive dissonance of their choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:14:13 here again. I am on the way out and reading the thread in pieces. My mother also went through a period of magical thinking before she realized that her perfect life would not be materializing after the divorce. She imagined that she would have some grand life focusing on her kids, never mind that we were all busy building families and careers ourselves and did not have all the free time she wanted. She also conveniently forgot that she would need to share holidays like Christmas and was vey pissed off when we spent time with my dad. This is the neediness that I referred to previously. She had no experience being divorced and really miscalculated all the alone time and all the work she would need to do to rebuild her life.

OP here. This is actually a good point and something I need to keep in mind. I think my mother really, really thinks along these lines too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd love to hear what the mom's perspective is. Maybe her ex-husband made her miserable for years, and did things that she doesn't want to disclose to her daughters, because she knows they love their father. There are more cases like this than you'd think. How is it that he has absolutely no friends or anyone else other than the daughters who will have anything to do with him?

I think people judge women too harshly when they can't meet expectations of being supportive. Maybe it's painful for OP's mom to be too involved in any of this, for reasons OP doesn't understand. She's not telling you not to take care of your dad, or that you can't love him or grieve this loss you're going through. She feels a need to keep her distance, for some reason. Maybe you'll understand some day, when you're older.

Ideally she would be more supportive, if she could be. But as an adult, you have to accept that you can't always lean on people, because they can't always stand strong enough for you to lean on. And if your mom has never been a casserole-toting, babysitting grandma type, then it's unrealistic to expect her to change now.

fine for mom not to be actively supportive.

not fine for mom to be guilt tripping OP about her selfish wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Jesus. First, obviously, my comment about my mother "finishing the gig" was not meant to be literal. It's a frustration venting comment that is nonsensical. As I said, I am good with their divorce. I don't have an issue with her moving on with her life. And I absolutely do not think it's necessary for my mother to take care of my father.

What I am struggling with is the reality of losing my father to a horrific terminal illness, the demands of his care, the demands of my kids and marriage, and my career while getting complaints from my mother that we had to cancel apple picking with her because my father's health went sideways and he ended up in the ICU. I am struggling with the emotional loss and the fact that when I do bring up how hard it's been, my mother's response is less kind than my neighbor. I am struggling with the fact that despite my open invitation to come and visit with the kids, she won't do it unless I'm here, we've planned something fun because "grandmas don't babysit - they visit." Literally words, people. I am struggling because my mother is pretending that this isn't happening and expects me to live in the same strange non-reality, reality.

I had a long conversation with my sister last night. She got it even worse in terms of the guilting about not getting equal amounts of attention. We both are sort of agape at the whole thing because my father has months -- most likely -- to live. And I don't think either of us really want much to do with our mother right now because she's just being so difficult.

OP I'm on your side. I do not think you are crazy for feeling as you do. I say this as someone who helped care for my ex when he was dying of cancer. He cheated on me so our split was not amicable but I did it because my love for my kids outweighed any anger I had towards him. Sorry you are going through this. Big hugs.

You have a special place in Heaven Your kids must really think the world of you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Jesus. First, obviously, my comment about my mother "finishing the gig" was not meant to be literal. It's a frustration venting comment that is nonsensical. As I said, I am good with their divorce. I don't have an issue with her moving on with her life. And I absolutely do not think it's necessary for my mother to take care of my father.

What I am struggling with is the reality of losing my father to a horrific terminal illness, the demands of his care, the demands of my kids and marriage, and my career while getting complaints from my mother that we had to cancel apple picking with her because my father's health went sideways and he ended up in the ICU. I am struggling with the emotional loss and the fact that when I do bring up how hard it's been, my mother's response is less kind than my neighbor. I am struggling with the fact that despite my open invitation to come and visit with the kids, she won't do it unless I'm here, we've planned something fun because "grandmas don't babysit - they visit." Literally words, people. I am struggling because my mother is pretending that this isn't happening and expects me to live in the same strange non-reality, reality.

I had a long conversation with my sister last night. She got it even worse in terms of the guilting about not getting equal amounts of attention. We both are sort of agape at the whole thing because my father has months -- most likely -- to live. And I don't think either of us really want much to do with our mother right now because she's just being so difficult.

OP I'm on your side. I do not think you are crazy for feeling as you do. I say this as someone who helped care for my ex when he was dying of cancer. He cheated on me so our split was not amicable but I did it because my love for my kids outweighed any anger I had towards him. Sorry you are going through this. Big hugs.

You have a special place in Heaven Your kids must really think the world of you!

I was thinking the same thing. I hope you know what a truly stand up person you are pp.

[Anonymous]

I would just like to say: mom is a grown adult, and divorced. She raised her kids, took care of the husband, she did her time already. She isn't obligated to stick around and keep wiping up messes at the expense of her own happiness anymore. You are all adults, you figure it out.