Divorced parents late in life drama

[Anonymous]

There are 2 things going on here.

1) OP's mother wanting to be done with the father. Ok, in my humble opinion I believe that is her choice 100%. And I'm a little surprised OP hoped she'd remain married so that her own life would be easier.

BUT that leads into the second thing that's going on

2) OP's mother doesn't care about OP's struggles and just wants to have fun. Why can't OP's mom spend a little time helping OP with OP's children while OP helps with her father? Or at the very least why can't she be a supportive listener? It doesn't really matter that this used to be her husband, the bottom line is that her daughter's young family is struggling. Loving family is supportive of struggling family, doesn't matter the age of the people involved or the generation.

And my last comment is that the argument that children should be grateful for all of the hard work their parents put into raising them and therefore have no future relationship expectations doesn't hold water with me. Children don't ask to be born and providing for them up to 18 is the law.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is absolutely being selfish. It's one thing to just not got there with your dad's illness. I understand changing the subject and declining to engage. But for her to pile on with complaining about how often you see her??? Oh NO way!

Just keep repeating what you have been saying: "We'd LOVE to have you come mom; I could really use some help with the kids. Traveling won't be possible for us until we get dad all squared away. So, how was your night at the movies with your BF on Friday?"

Repeat the first part as often as necessary and then YOU change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's because I was raised in a generation where you were considered an adult at 18, and parents pushed you to be independent. I don't understand the entitlement so many express here, that they expect their moms to keep helping them and doing for them as adults. You're adults now. Your mom spent decades raising you and doing for you. Now anything she might be able to or willing to do for you is optional, a bonus, gravy. That's what being an adult is about. You accept what people have to offer, and the fact that at some point, the teat runs dry.

Sounds like a great plan, but then maybe the mom should stop bitching about not seeing OP's family enough. After all, the apron strings have been cut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This.

I can't help but see gender expectations at work here. I doubt it would occur to OP to expect her father to help care for her mother post-divorce. Why in the world would your mother volunteer to care for a man she divorced? She owes him nothing.

So what explains the lack of empathy to her daughter?

Does she owe her nothing also? You know since the daughter was the product of the failed marriage, does that make her disposable too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This.

I can't help but see gender expectations at work here. I doubt it would occur to OP to expect her father to help care for her mother post-divorce. Why in the world would your mother volunteer to care for a man she divorced? She owes him nothing.

So what explains the lack of empathy to her daughter?

Does she owe her nothing also? You know since the daughter was the product of the failed marriage, does that make her disposable too?

You are being quite the drama queen. The mother is expressing that the fact that the father is sick doesn't mean she shouldn't get to see OP and OP's family. It is another expression of her zero fucks to give about the father. Certainly, it is exacting of OP's mother to expect that OP will apportion her time equally between two parents, one of whom is sick and one of whom is well. But the fact that OP's mother wants nothing to do with caring for the father, having care for the father cut into her family time, or hearing about OP's care for the father tells me there is acrimony involved here that OP is too selfish and self absorbed to notice. That father did that mother wrong and the reasons why the mother sought a divorce boil down to a whole lot more than freaking wanting to travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This.

I can't help but see gender expectations at work here. I doubt it would occur to OP to expect her father to help care for her mother post-divorce. Why in the world would your mother volunteer to care for a man she divorced? She owes him nothing.

So what explains the lack of empathy to her daughter?

Does she owe her nothing also? You know since the daughter was the product of the failed marriage, does that make her disposable too?

You are being quite the drama queen. The mother is expressing that the fact that the father is sick doesn't mean she shouldn't get to see OP and OP's family. It is another expression of her zero fucks to give about the father. Certainly, it is exacting of OP's mother to expect that OP will apportion her time equally between two parents, one of whom is sick and one of whom is well. But the fact that OP's mother wants nothing to do with caring for the father, having care for the father cut into her family time, or hearing about OP's care for the father tells me there is acrimony involved here that OP is too selfish and self absorbed to notice. That father did that mother wrong and the reasons why the mother sought a divorce boil down to a whole lot more than freaking wanting to travel.

OP here. I, like most people who have divorced parents, did not get into the nuance of why they split. Because regardless of whether they didn't want to see each other, they were my parents and they both loved me and I truly love them.

What I don't love is the idea that I shouldn't feel frustrated that I'm going through a rough time, losing a parent to an eventual terminal illness, and just say you know what mom? It's 50/50. Come on down. Let's hit the American Girl Doll Store for brunch like you wanted. Sorry about the whole dying thing, dad. Your time is your time, buddy.

Am I crazy or isn't this screwed up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This.

I can't help but see gender expectations at work here. I doubt it would occur to OP to expect her father to help care for her mother post-divorce. Why in the world would your mother volunteer to care for a man she divorced? She owes him nothing.

So what explains the lack of empathy to her daughter?

Does she owe her nothing also? You know since the daughter was the product of the failed marriage, does that make her disposable too?

You are being quite the drama queen. The mother is expressing that the fact that the father is sick doesn't mean she shouldn't get to see OP and OP's family. It is another expression of her zero fucks to give about the father. Certainly, it is exacting of OP's mother to expect that OP will apportion her time equally between two parents, one of whom is sick and one of whom is well. But the fact that OP's mother wants nothing to do with caring for the father, having care for the father cut into her family time, or hearing about OP's care for the father tells me there is acrimony involved here that OP is too selfish and self absorbed to notice. That father did that mother wrong and the reasons why the mother sought a divorce boil down to a whole lot more than freaking wanting to travel.

OP here. I, like most people who have divorced parents, did not get into the nuance of why they split. Because regardless of whether they didn't want to see each other, they were my parents and they both loved me and I truly love them.

What I don't love is the idea that I shouldn't feel frustrated that I'm going through a rough time, losing a parent to an eventual terminal illness, and just say you know what mom? It's 50/50. Come on down. Let's hit the American Girl Doll Store for brunch like you wanted. Sorry about the whole dying thing, dad. Your time is your time, buddy.

Am I crazy or isn't this screwed up?

You are expecting your feelings to take precedence over hers.

Let me flip the point of view here since you can't seem to see beyond yourself:

Is it fair to expect your mother who has just reclaimed her life from a man who ate up her youth to then cede crucial time with her family to this man and even be expected to carry her kids emotionally through the process of caring for this man? Why is it always about him? Why isn't it fair to expect her adult kids, who have chosen to carry the burden of their father's care, to manage that care while also realizing their mother matters and time with her shouldn't be overshadowed by their father's problems?

[Anonymous]

OP, I can understand why this is very difficult for you. Since your mother is not doing anything to make it less difficult, what I'm wondering is if there is anything else YOU can do to ease the burden. For instance, is it a possibility to move your father close to you, since he doesn't even have a single friend or family member where he is right now? Then you would not have to take off several days at a time to assist him but could take a few hours as needed and still have time each day with your own family. It would be easier to arrange for part-time caregivers for him and keep an eye on him on a regular basis. Plus, you and your family would have more time with him overall, in whatever limited time he has left. If he is going to be declining, it seems he's going to need more of your time and support going forward, and this would be much easier on all of you if he lives nearby.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP,
My parents also divorced when I was an adult. It is very challenging. My mother is also very self-centered, much more so since the divorce. She can't see beyond her own wants. It is hard. You have to do what you need to do and what you feel is right and let her comments/complaints go. I know they hurt/annoy but you have to try to let them slide off you. You are being a good daughter to your father and your mother should be proud that she raised you like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's because I was raised in a generation where you were considered an adult at 18, and parents pushed you to be independent. I don't understand the entitlement so many express here, that they expect their moms to keep helping them and doing for them as adults. You're adults now. Your mom spent decades raising you and doing for you. Now anything she might be able to or willing to do for you is optional, a bonus, gravy. That's what being an adult is about. You accept what people have to offer, and the fact that at some point, the teat runs dry.

Then why is OP obligated to care for her dad?

OP isn't having a problem caring for herself, her children, or her own life. What's putting a strain on it all is that she is trying to care for her father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You are expecting your feelings to take precedence over hers.

Let me flip the point of view here since you can't seem to see beyond yourself:

Is it fair to expect your mother who has just reclaimed her life from a man who ate up her youth to then cede crucial time with her family to this man and even be expected to carry her kids emotionally through the process of caring for this man? Why is it always about him? Why isn't it fair to expect her adult kids, who have chosen to carry the burden of their father's care, to manage that care while also realizing their mother matters and time with her shouldn't be overshadowed by their father's problems?

I'm not the OP, but I think the answers to your questions are:

1) yes, because it's fair to expect a parent to emotionally support their kids through any legitimately difficult time in their lives

2) it's not about him, it's about her daughters

3) her adult children clearly DO realize that their mother matters and shouldn't be overshadowed by their father's problems, but they are also constrained by reality which does not allow them to adequately care for their own families, hold down jobs, care for their father and spend time with mom. If dad's illness is in fact terminal, then that's just gotta take priority in the short term.

It's great for OP's mom that she got out of an unhappy marriage, but she's still a mom and the only mom OP's got. I think it's fair to be annoyed that she's not being terribly helpful and is making you feel bad about being a good daughter to your father. Presumably she expects you'll do the same for her some day. Nobody forced your mom to marry your dad and she can divorce him but she can't pretend that he never existed when she's got kids with him.

At least this is what I tell myself (and my parents) when they give me grief about spending too much time with the other one or having to miss holidays or whatever. I didn't choose this life, they did. And I'm not mad about it, they had every right to make that decision and it was probably the better one for everyone, but it still has consequences. And, FWIW, when my stepfather (who I lived with for 17 years) was dying my father supported me completely. Gave me space, let me vent and cry, even cried with me a bit. Helped us out at the funeral. Even helped my mom out with things around the house that my stepfather otherwise would have handled. I'm sorry your mom isn't giving you that OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

SHe is still the OP'smother and should be able to help her or at least show some sympathy for what her daughter is going through. SHe should be embarrassed that her daughters' sin-Laws had to pickup her slack.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

SHe is still the OP'smother and should be able to help her or at least show some sympathy for what her daughter is going through. SHe should be embarrassed that her daughters' sin-Laws had to pickup her slack.

How exactly is this the mother's slack?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This.

I can't help but see gender expectations at work here. I doubt it would occur to OP to expect her father to help care for her mother post-divorce. Why in the world would your mother volunteer to care for a man she divorced? She owes him nothing.

So what explains the lack of empathy to her daughter?

Does she owe her nothing also? You know since the daughter was the product of the failed marriage, does that make her disposable too?

You are being quite the drama queen. The mother is expressing that the fact that the father is sick doesn't mean she shouldn't get to see OP and OP's family. It is another expression of her zero fucks to give about the father. Certainly, it is exacting of OP's mother to expect that OP will apportion her time equally between two parents, one of whom is sick and one of whom is well. But the fact that OP's mother wants nothing to do with caring for the father, having care for the father cut into her family time, or hearing about OP's care for the father tells me there is acrimony involved here that OP is too selfish and self absorbed to notice. That father did that mother wrong and the reasons why the mother sought a divorce boil down to a whole lot more than freaking wanting to travel.

OP here. I, like most people who have divorced parents, did not get into the nuance of why they split. Because regardless of whether they didn't want to see each other, they were my parents and they both loved me and I truly love them.

What I don't love is the idea that I shouldn't feel frustrated that I'm going through a rough time, losing a parent to an eventual terminal illness, and just say you know what mom? It's 50/50. Come on down. Let's hit the American Girl Doll Store for brunch like you wanted. Sorry about the whole dying thing, dad. Your time is your time, buddy.
P
Am I crazy or isn't this screwed up?

You are expecting your feelings to take precedence over hers.

Let me flip the point of view here since you can't seem to see beyond yourself:

Is it fair to expect your mother who has just reclaimed her life from a man who ate up her youth to then cede crucial time with her family to this man and even be expected to carry her kids emotionally through the process of caring for this man? Why is it always about him? Why isn't it fair to expect her adult kids, who have chosen to carry the burden of their father's care, to manage that care while also realizing their mother matters and time with her shouldn't be overshadowed by their father's problems?

Pp you do realize the man is dying. And her father, right? That's hella petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This.

I can't help but see gender expectations at work here. I doubt it would occur to OP to expect her father to help care for her mother post-divorce. Why in the world would your mother volunteer to care for a man she divorced? She owes him nothing.

So what explains the lack of empathy to her daughter?

Does she owe her nothing also? You know since the daughter was the product of the failed marriage, does that make her disposable too?

You are being quite the drama queen. The mother is expressing that the fact that the father is sick doesn't mean she shouldn't get to see OP and OP's family. It is another expression of her zero fucks to give about the father. Certainly, it is exacting of OP's mother to expect that OP will apportion her time equally between two parents, one of whom is sick and one of whom is well. But the fact that OP's mother wants nothing to do with caring for the father, having care for the father cut into her family time, or hearing about OP's care for the father tells me there is acrimony involved here that OP is too selfish and self absorbed to notice. That father did that mother wrong and the reasons why the mother sought a divorce boil down to a whole lot more than freaking wanting to travel.

OP here. I, like most people who have divorced parents, did not get into the nuance of why they split. Because regardless of whether they didn't want to see each other, they were my parents and they both loved me and I truly love them.

What I don't love is the idea that I shouldn't feel frustrated that I'm going through a rough time, losing a parent to an eventual terminal illness, and just say you know what mom? It's 50/50. Come on down. Let's hit the American Girl Doll Store for brunch like you wanted. Sorry about the whole dying thing, dad. Your time is your time, buddy.
P
Am I crazy or isn't this screwed up?

You are expecting your feelings to take precedence over hers.

Let me flip the point of view here since you can't seem to see beyond yourself:

Is it fair to expect your mother who has just reclaimed her life from a man who ate up her youth to then cede crucial time with her family to this man and even be expected to carry her kids emotionally through the process of caring for this man? Why is it always about him? Why isn't it fair to expect her adult kids, who have chosen to carry the burden of their father's care, to manage that care while also realizing their mother matters and time with her shouldn't be overshadowed by their father's problems?

Pp you do realize the man is dying. And her father, right? That's hella petty.

Yes, OP's father. Not her mother's father. And you have no idea what might have transpired between OP's mother and her father to make OP's mother want nothing to do with him.