Divorced parents late in life drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just had a moment the other night when my mother was going on and on about not seeing us and the kids when I pointed out that she was welcome to help out with the kids anytime because it's sort of an all hands on deck situation. She just sighed and said she was hoping to spend some happier times together. Like, I don't even know what that means? Fun times? She also complains about us not visiting her more, but when I point out what's going on, she just changes the subject.

"Yes, Mom, can't wait until I'm retired, too, and we can have lots of free time together!"

[Anonymous]

Your mom is going to reap what she sows. She won't get the relationship with your, your sister, or her grandchildren, because you are all too effing busy taking care of your father. To Pp's who don't seem to get it--sure, mom has no obligation to her ex husband. She still has obligations to her children, FFS. Or not, but then don't complain when no one visits her when she's old and boyfriend has bailed.

[Anonymous]

You haven't provided any details on how the divorce went and what their marriage was like. Especially if not much time has passed since the divorce, there may be hard feelings and she might not be sorry about your father's deterioration.

It sounds as if she may be avoiding the topic out of consideration for your feelinge, while still honoring her own feelings. Would you prefer she tell you what an asshole she thinks your father is and how this is his comeuppance? You say she's thinking only of herself, but it sounds as if you, too, are thinking only of yourself and what she can do for you.

[Anonymous]

OP - you sound completely and totally reasonable to me. In fact, I could absolutely see this going down in my family if my parents finally divorce. Of course, my mother is the type who has called my sister and I in the past as we're dealing with stress filled lives with infants to complain about how tired she was because she "had nothing to do but sit around and read".

If your mom is actually anything like mine, then she's just not that maternal and would likely not be helping you out no matter what crappy things are happening to make your life stressful. This situation feels worse because it happens to coincide with you having to deal with your father's health so in addition to not helping she's not even willing to listen. You can't change her behavior so just keep your expectations to what she is likely to be able to meet and hopefully you'll find it less frustrating. My mother frequently states how much she wishes that she could help me out, but when it comes down to it she rarely follows through. I've learned to expect pretty much nothing from her and then on those occasions when she does actually follow through I'm pleasantly surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You haven't provided any details on how the divorce went and what their marriage was like. Especially if not much time has passed since the divorce, there may be hard feelings and she might not be sorry about your father's deterioration.

It sounds as if she may be avoiding the topic out of consideration for your feelinge, while still honoring her own feelings. Would you prefer she tell you what an asshole she thinks your father is and how this is his comeuppance? You say she's thinking only of herself, but it sounds as if you, too, are thinking only of yourself and what she can do for you.

It was not a great marriage, but I didn't see a ton of conflict. Then again, I was 33 when they divorced. So, that's 15 years of me not living with them so I didn't know the day to day of their lives together. I was supportive of their divorce and it seemed amicable. My mother framed it as wanting different things during their retirement. She wanted to travel and my father absolutely hated traveling and is by all accounts a horrible traveler (from my own experience). And I respect my mother's choice. Honestly, she's 65 and there's a lot of life left there. My father didn't really spend any time framing why they divorced and just moved into a senior community and golfed until he got very, very sick.

And I want to make it clear, I don't think my mother needs to care for my father. Her disinterest in what is going on could be an attempt to avoid an uncomfortable issue. I get that. But right now, this is a big stressor in my life and her inability to be supportive of me is making it difficult for me to even want to connect with her. And she knows it and does the whole guilty "why don't you visit me or let me visit (and entertain me while I am visiting)" thing.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's because I was raised in a generation where you were considered an adult at 18, and parents pushed you to be independent. I don't understand the entitlement so many express here, that they expect their moms to keep helping them and doing for them as adults. You're adults now. Your mom spent decades raising you and doing for you. Now anything she might be able to or willing to do for you is optional, a bonus, gravy. That's what being an adult is about. You accept what people have to offer, and the fact that at some point, the teat runs dry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's because I was raised in a generation where you were considered an adult at 18, and parents pushed you to be independent. I don't understand the entitlement so many express here, that they expect their moms to keep helping them and doing for them as adults. You're adults now. Your mom spent decades raising you and doing for you. Now anything she might be able to or willing to do for you is optional, a bonus, gravy. That's what being an adult is about. You accept what people have to offer, and the fact that at some point, the teat runs dry.

OP here. That's just the rub. It drives me crazy when my mother wants a relationship that is meaningful when she doesn't want to do the work to have one. It's a two-way street, PP. There are times when I never, ever want to talk to my mother because of how unfeeling she has been during this. Usually, during the worst of things (complaining about not coming to my DD's birthday while I was sitting in a hospital with my dad in ICU with a limited chance of surviving but pulled through thank God). Other times, I think she's sort of clueless and is like "sorry about your problems. Not mine." Which is fine, but I can't have a real relationship with someone who doesn't care about the difficult time in my life. It's not entitlement to have this sort of expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's because I was raised in a generation where you were considered an adult at 18, and parents pushed you to be independent. I don't understand the entitlement so many express here, that they expect their moms to keep helping them and doing for them as adults. You're adults now. Your mom spent decades raising you and doing for you. Now anything she might be able to or willing to do for you is optional, a bonus, gravy. That's what being an adult is about. You accept what people have to offer, and the fact that at some point, the teat runs dry.

Mostly, I agree with this. Your parents aren't required to help or watch your kids, but if you know a family member is struggling, why wouldn't you want to help? If my kids were trying to juggle raising young kids, work, and caring for their seriously ill father, I'd offer to help with childcare or something. Dealing with a parent's illness can take up so much time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's because I was raised in a generation where you were considered an adult at 18, and parents pushed you to be independent. I don't understand the entitlement so many express here, that they expect their moms to keep helping them and doing for them as adults. You're adults now. Your mom spent decades raising you and doing for you. Now anything she might be able to or willing to do for you is optional, a bonus, gravy. That's what being an adult is about. You accept what people have to offer, and the fact that at some point, the teat runs dry.

OP here. That's just the rub. It drives me crazy when my mother wants a relationship that is meaningful when she doesn't want to do the work to have one. It's a two-way street, PP. There are times when I never, ever want to talk to my mother because of how unfeeling she has been during this. Usually, during the worst of things (complaining about not coming to my DD's birthday while I was sitting in a hospital with my dad in ICU with a limited chance of surviving but pulled through thank God). Other times, I think she's sort of clueless and is like "sorry about your problems. Not mine." Which is fine, but I can't have a real relationship with someone who doesn't care about the difficult time in my life. It's not entitlement to have this sort of expectation.

Wow. Your mother already did the work. Remember those decades she put into raising you? How short is your memory, and how lacking is your gratitude? No wonder she isn't giving in to your demands anymore. I can see you're under a lot of strain, but you're taking it out on her, and you are coming across as selfish and entitled. That's probably a lifelong pattern she's enabled in you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your mom is selfish. I can understand her not wanting to get involved in your dad's care but when you or your sister are busy with your dad, she can offer to help you guys with kids, home etc. If she is the one cruising while all this is happening, she totally lacks empathy for her own kids (forget the husband ).

Yes and no. I get the impression that it was not a happy marriage, she finally feels like she's free of him, and isn't willing to let him dictate her life any more. So even though this was a real health crisis, and she'd be helping her daughter, it's would (indirectly) be her altering her life because of OP's father - again. It's unfortunate that OP is caught in the gears, but her mother obviously has some deep-seated feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's because I was raised in a generation where you were considered an adult at 18, and parents pushed you to be independent. I don't understand the entitlement so many express here, that they expect their moms to keep helping them and doing for them as adults. You're adults now. Your mom spent decades raising you and doing for you. Now anything she might be able to or willing to do for you is optional, a bonus, gravy. That's what being an adult is about. You accept what people have to offer, and the fact that at some point, the teat runs dry.

Yep once you're 18, out of the house and off the teat! Want your mother to listen? Too bad, you're off the teat! Want a mother to give you advice about about your two year old? Too bad, off the teat! Want some empathy when your father is dying? Too bad, you're over 18. Off the freaking teat!
Don't you see how ridiculous this argument is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your mom is selfish. I can understand her not wanting to get involved in your dad's care but when you or your sister are busy with your dad, she can offer to help you guys with kids, home etc. If she is the one cruising while all this is happening, she totally lacks empathy for her own kids (forget the husband ).

Yes and no. I get the impression that it was not a happy marriage, she finally feels like she's free of him, and isn't willing to let him dictate her life any more. So even though this was a real health crisis, and she'd be helping her daughter, it's would (indirectly) be her altering her life because of OP's father - again. It's unfortunate that OP is caught in the gears, but her mother obviously has some deep-seated feelings.

Exactly. I don't know how this isn't obvious to OP. OP, you sound rather obtuse and selfish. How about you read between the lines and realize your mother is telling you she doesn't want to help your father directly or indirectly and that, if you choose to be a martyr for him, that's on you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe it's because I was raised in a generation where you were considered an adult at 18, and parents pushed you to be independent. I don't understand the entitlement so many express here, that they expect their moms to keep helping them and doing for them as adults. You're adults now. Your mom spent decades raising you and doing for you. Now anything she might be able to or willing to do for you is optional, a bonus, gravy. That's what being an adult is about. You accept what people have to offer, and the fact that at some point, the teat runs dry.

Yep once you're 18, out of the house and off the teat! Want your mother to listen? Too bad, you're off the teat! Want a mother to give you advice about about your two year old? Too bad, off the teat! Want some empathy when your father is dying? Too bad, you're over 18. Off the freaking teat!
Don't you see how ridiculous this argument is?

You are choosing to carry the weight of your father and the consequence is a lot of stress for you. That is your choice and I can see how you feel you owe him this because he is your father. He is not your mother's father, however, and she doesn't owe him anything nor does she owe you support in this ordeal you took on voluntarily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your father sounds selfish. You sound selfish. I know way too many women around your mom's age who put themselves LAST their whole lives, and stayed in bad marriages with selfish, rather miserable men, and put their children first. Maybe she's finally thinking of herself, now that she is free. There's a lot you don't know about what she went through and what she gave up, in staying with your father and putting all of you first all these years. Please don't begrudge her.

Your father is no longer her responsibility. It's very, very difficult dealing with an aging, sick parent. Don't put it on your mother. She's done her time.

And I agree that there's a lot of sexism involved in this attitude that women have to be the eternal caretakers.

Yeah I wonder if she is feeling like, "I finally get free and am able to do things I want to do, focus on ME for a change and now, this."

[Anonymous]

OP you also don't know what really went down in your parents marriage and, there may be some reason she is giving no effs your dad is at death's door.