Divorced parents late in life drama

[Anonymous]

I am guessing a lot of divorced women who are seeing there future

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The parents need to protect children from the fallout of their divorce . The ex spouse has to manage the care for old age. Not the children . Children have their own problems .

Time to grow up. You're not a child anymore. If your aged parents have split up, they're not even first of kin now. You are. The hospital will be calling on you to make decisions and you will be the one who can enter the room or be told what's going on. Not your parent's ex-spouse, even if they are your other parent. Your parents are no longer considered to be each others' responsibility anymore by anyone and have no rights towards each other either, so stop thinking of yourself as a pathetic, wronged, put-upon child, and step up.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I suspect this is the issue. My mother has never been one to deal with difficulty head on. Her parents are still alive and she's never had any loss on her side of the family. And by all accounts, including her own, her life was great. She enjoyed parenting, raising kids, worked part-time and lived a pretty great life with my father in terms of the day to day. They got along, they worked well together as parents.

By my mother's own account, the wheels fell off in her marriage because she wanted a different, more active retirement lifestyle than my father. She wanted to travel, go out more, be active in activities, etc. I actually thought their divorce (pre-my father's sickness) was very amicable. Everyone was happy. My mother traveled, my father puttered around his place and I had a good relationship with both of them. No strife, they jointly attended holidays at our houses, etc.

My mother's detachment during the crisis might have been a self-preservation tool in some ways. She was in denial until the end about how sick my father was and she didn't see (and actively avoided) the strain his illness put on myself and my sister. I think if she would have engaged, it would have forced her to face reality, which honestly isn't her strong point. She has a narrative about her life ("it's great and full of endless adventures and isn't it great to get to start this next chapter, etc.") that would be impacted by the truth of things, which is life has been hard and difficult and sad.

I actually called my EAP at work and vented to a therapist. And the result is I am going to therapy next week to think through things. I don't know how or if I can trust my mother. That's how let down I feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I suspect this is the issue. My mother has never been one to deal with difficulty head on. Her parents are still alive and she's never had any loss on her side of the family. And by all accounts, including her own, her life was great. She enjoyed parenting, raising kids, worked part-time and lived a pretty great life with my father in terms of the day to day. They got along, they worked well together as parents.

By my mother's own account, the wheels fell off in her marriage because she wanted a different, more active retirement lifestyle than my father. She wanted to travel, go out more, be active in activities, etc. I actually thought their divorce (pre-my father's sickness) was very amicable. Everyone was happy. My mother traveled, my father puttered around his place and I had a good relationship with both of them. No strife, they jointly attended holidays at our houses, etc.

My mother's detachment during the crisis might have been a self-preservation tool in some ways. She was in denial until the end about how sick my father was and she didn't see (and actively avoided) the strain his illness put on myself and my sister. I think if she would have engaged, it would have forced her to face reality, which honestly isn't her strong point. She has a narrative about her life ("it's great and full of endless adventures and isn't it great to get to start this next chapter, etc.") that would be impacted by the truth of things, which is life has been hard and difficult and sad.

I actually called my EAP at work and vented to a therapist. And the result is I am going to therapy next week to think through things. I don't know how or if I can trust my mother. That's how let down I feel.

Not OP. Is there something wrong with an employee assistance program?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your father sounds selfish. You sound selfish. I know way too many women around your mom's age who put themselves LAST their whole lives, and stayed in bad marriages with selfish, rather miserable men, and put their children first. Maybe she's finally thinking of herself, now that she is free. There's a lot you don't know about what she went through and what she gave up, in staying with your father and putting all of you first all these years. Please don't begrudge her.

Your father is no longer her responsibility. It's very, very difficult dealing with an aging, sick parent. Don't put it on your mother. She's done her time.

And I agree that there's a lot of sexism involved in this attitude that women have to be the eternal caretakers.

This. I know at least four marriages over 20 years when they finally divorced the women were elated and the men were trying to find a girlfriend as soon as possible to avoid being alone. the stories I have heard were mind boggling, the emotional abuse, the gas lighting, the gambling habits--ALL of it hidden to some extend in front of the kids but the moms ate shit for years to keep their families together. Thats the difference between men and women. Women will sacrifice everything to keep their kids happy but dad usually said "My kids want ME to be happy so divorce is the best thing"-. OP I feel for you but its really not on your mom anymore.She could sympathize a bit but damn, she just got out prison and you wonder why she doesn't show up to visit anymore?

You have no idea what went down in this particular marriage so stop with the women are the eternal victims cliche. You don't know what the dad went through, either.

[Anonymous]

I know you feel like your mom needs to be sympathetic about her ex husband, after all, they had decades together. Maybe she is and maybe she's not. But, it seems she's happy now and that's important. She's enjoying herself again. One less person to worry about.

And if she wants to see you, give her the little free time that you have. That time with your mom is important. Don't shun her out altogether because she doesn't want to be responsible for your father's condition. You might learn something new about her. Maybe she felt a lot more resentful for decades before the divorce. Think of how sad you would feel if she was the one in the hospital.

Keep the problems with the father separate from your mother. She's happy and healthy and that's one thing that's going good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you feel like your mom needs to be sympathetic about her ex husband, after all, they had decades together. Maybe she is and maybe she's not. But, it seems she's happy now and that's important. She's enjoying herself again. One less person to worry about.

And if she wants to see you, give her the little free time that you have. That time with your mom is important. Don't shun her out altogether because she doesn't want to be responsible for your father's condition. You might learn something new about her. Maybe she felt a lot more resentful for decades before the divorce. Think of how sad you would feel if she was the one in the hospital.

Keep the problems with the father separate from your mother. She's happy and healthy and that's one thing that's going good.

This is totally missing the point. It's not that the mom needs to be sympathetic about her ex husband, but that she's a shitty mom who did not show an ounce of concern or empathy to her daughters who're going through a very traumatic time of their lives. It's a huge let down to the daughters, and shows them her true colors. This is an extremely selfish woman who flaunted her happiness when her daughters were suffering. How can ppl not grasp this?

[Anonymous]

OMG people, this thread was started in October, all of these recent posts defending OP's mom when you haven't read the thread or the update from OP is just awful!!

OP, I am sorry for your loss and glad that you are seeking some help in processing your feelings of abandonment by your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she has suffered enough in the hands of your father.
Ask your mother to watch the kids while you are helping your father or hire help.

Um, that's the entire point of this thread. OP's mom won't help OP with her children while OP helps
her dad, and then complains about not getting to see them. Are you completely dense?

And I don't get why so many people are asking why OP would expect her mom to care for her dad after the divorce. That is not what she's saying at all. She is saying she wishes her mother would be more supportive of her while she deals with her dad being terminally ill. How do people not see the distinction between those things? As a mother, I can't imagine not at least trying to be emotionally supportive of my daughter who is facing the death of a loved one, no matter what I personally felt toward the person who was sick (in this case, her exhusband).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way I see it, "I'm out" means I'm out. Not lingering around playing nice. Mother did her time. They are not married any more, so she owes nothing. She might have been nicer to the kids, but probably was afraid of getting sucked back in emotionally..

See, that's the thing that is so appalling about some of the responses in this thread. The mother didn't just divorce the husband, she abandoned her kids when they needed her emotional support. And then she had the gall to complain about not having a good relationship or visiting! It's the height of entitlement. My jaw dropped at some of the responses calling OP selfish. If anything, her mother has ruined her relationship with her adult children by being selfish. I don't see how they will ever have a meaningful relationship because she's shown who she is now. Someone who can't be trusted when you need them.

I don't know how or where these posters are coming from bashing OP. From my view, I couldn't imagine putting a child in this position divorced or not.

This. The mom could have been supportive of her daughters and maintained distance from their dad.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just saw your update about your father's passing. I am so sorry. I hope that as time goes on you will feel less pain and be able to focus on good memories of times with your dad. Losing a parent is terrible. I'm thinking of you.

I don't know what to say about your mom. You may just need to be straightforward with her and say: Mom, I appreciate that you would like to spend time with [grandkids], but this is a very, very difficult time for me. You and dad obviously had your differences, but I loved him very much. I am still in a great deal of pain right now, and I need some time to grieve. I know you don't feel the same way but I hope you can respect my need for time to mourn, and right now that includes not [doing whatever she is asking you to do].

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's mom really doesn't have an obligation towards anybody, not to help her DD not to take care of grand children. And you know what, good for her, she obviously did a lot before, hence OP's entitled attitude. OP doesn't even know why they divorced, kids always know why parents divorced. It seems to me that OP was self involved person who never took interest in her parents, unless it benefited her. Now that it would benefit her that mom helps, mom is basically saying, screw you. I am old and want to have some fun and too bad, too sad for you, who never gave me and my needs a thought before.

Ok, fine but don't expect OP to give time to the mother. OP is right - it is a two way street.

Honestly, if I was the mom, I would help with the dad unless he did something downright awful. However, if it we just didn't get along, well I spent 30+ years with him, showing some empathy and helping my kids isn't going to kill me.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am so sorry for your loss.

Your mom sounds like she is losing it. She may be having a hard time coming to grips with her own aging and mortality. Facing your dad's passing may be just too much for her. So she is ignoring it--not attending the funeral, going on the trip, acting like everything is normal....Death is the Big Test.

And it's not just death, additionally she may be very conflicted about the divorce, her relationship with your dad, how everything ended--it may just be overwhelming emotionally and she is just not equipped to handle it.

I can understand why it's so disappointing. Talking with a therapist sounds like a really good idea. The thing to remember is our parents are human. It's sad when we see their weaknesses and blind spots.

I don't think you have to join your mom in la-la land and pretend along with her, but it would be a shame if you lost your whole relationship with her. I think a therapist can help you understand how to be honest and maintain your sense of yourself while interacting with your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The parents need to protect children from the fallout of their divorce . The ex spouse has to manage the care for old age. Not the children . Children have their own problems .

Time to grow up. You're not a child anymore. If your aged parents have split up, they're not even first of kin now. You are. The hospital will be calling on you to make decisions and you will be the one who can enter the room or be told what's going on. Not your parent's ex-spouse, even if they are your other parent. Your parents are no longer considered to be each others' responsibility anymore by anyone and have no rights towards each other either, so stop thinking of yourself as a pathetic, wronged, put-upon child, and step up.

Grow up. Parents need to take care of themselves . The fallout of their lives are their responsibility. Children are responsible for their own lives and their children's lives. If you get divorced you damn well better have your care figured out.

[Anonymous]

Wow, just wow, OP! I am sorry about your loss, and I am sorry that you did not have the support of your mom while going through what may have been the most difficult time in your life so far.
For her to leave on a cruise while her children's father was dying. For her to have the gall to try to plan a visit for the spring a few days after this passing. I would tell her the arguments you've made here: While she divorced your father, and had no responsibility to him, she had not divorced her kids - and yet she abandoned them at the most trying time of their lives so far. That you don't know if and how you will get over this, and that visits with her have to be on hold for a while while you deal with your grief over your father's loss and her abandonment. And, as others have suggested, and if that is what you feel, that there is no way that you can handle such a situation again, so she should put plans in place for her future now that she is still healthy.
I personally would find your mother's behavior towards you and your sister (not towards your dad!) unforgivable. I am so sorry.