Divorced parents late in life drama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am so sorry for your loss.

Your mom sounds like she is losing it. She may be having a hard time coming to grips with her own aging and mortality. Facing your dad's passing may be just too much for her. So she is ignoring it--not attending the funeral, going on the trip, acting like everything is normal....Death is the Big Test.

And it's not just death, additionally she may be very conflicted about the divorce, her relationship with your dad, how everything ended--it may just be overwhelming emotionally and she is just not equipped to handle it.

I can understand why it's so disappointing. Talking with a therapist sounds like a really good idea. The thing to remember is our parents are human. It's sad when we see their weaknesses and blind spots.

I don't think you have to join your mom in la-la land and pretend along with her, but it would be a shame if you lost your whole relationship with her. I think a therapist can help you understand how to be honest and maintain your sense of yourself while interacting with your mother.

+100 Totally on point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This.

I can't help but see gender expectations at work here. I doubt it would occur to OP to expect her father to help care for her mother post-divorce. Why in the world would your mother volunteer to care for a man she divorced? She owes him nothing.

Maybe flat out say you need to help at your house for the week your husband is traveling and you deal with other things. Flat out say you will not talk about Dad/Grandpa. And then don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Jesus. First, obviously, my comment about my mother "finishing the gig" was not meant to be literal. It's a frustration venting comment that is nonsensical. As I said, I am good with their divorce. I don't have an issue with her moving on with her life. And I absolutely do not think it's necessary for my mother to take care of my father.

What I am struggling with is the reality of losing my father to a horrific terminal illness, the demands of his care, the demands of my kids and marriage, and my career while getting complaints from my mother that we had to cancel apple picking with her because my father's health went sideways and he ended up in the ICU. I am struggling with the emotional loss and the fact that when I do bring up how hard it's been, my mother's response is less kind than my neighbor. I am struggling with the fact that despite my open invitation to come and visit with the kids, she won't do it unless I'm here, we've planned something fun because "grandmas don't babysit - they visit." Literally words, people. I am struggling because my mother is pretending that this isn't happening and expects me to live in the same strange non-reality, reality.

I had a long conversation with my sister last night. She got it even worse in terms of the guilting about not getting equal amounts of attention. We both are sort of agape at the whole thing because my father has months -- most likely -- to live. And I don't think either of us really want much to do with our mother right now because she's just being so difficult.

While she is not being as "kind" as your neighbor, your neighbor does not have the risk of reaaally helping out. Whereas your mom is in denial because she is at risk of getting involved. Sure she is selfish, but remember your own kids when you are sick and they STILL want you to care for them hand and foot or take them somewhere fun? You are acting like that kid. As a caregiver to your kids yourself, how do you not get it that she wants to, and is entitled to act as she's doing? Plus jeez, you're saying it's terminal, matter of months. Hang in there for a few months, jeez. Has your mom not sacrificed years and years parenting you? Do you really have a child or did you just enter parenthood. After I became a mom and realized the innate sacrifices a mom goes through just to be an ok mom and keep a kid alive and happy, I got deeper appreciation for my mom. Like another PP said, based on your entitled attitude, I think your mom must have provided you with anything and everything. I am not being kind to you, but put yourself in her shoes!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My dad died a few days after Christmas. It was incredibly difficult, he was very, very sick and out of it (morphine), but I do have a sense of peace for him. His body is gone, but I can still feel him with me at times.

We've gone through the difficult stuff. Funeral. Cleaning out the house, selling his home (which just went under contract) and explaining things to the kids who are old enough to realize what's happened. My husband has been a rock during the ordeal, but I can see the toll on myself and my sister. I swear we've aged ten years in one and I've lost so much weight that I've begun drinking ensure (eating has been difficult). My dad was the youngest one of his side of the family, the last living of that generation, so it's weird for me and my sister to be it for that side of the family. It's all surreal.

My mother was unhelpful during this whole thing. After realizing that the man wouldn't likely see New Year's, she opted to take a cruise during Christmas with friends and went to South America. To give us our space in her words. I didn't need space. I needed my mother, but that's a whole another story.

I don't know where the future will go with us, me and her. She skipped the funeral and hasn't done anything, but simply say sorry for your loss when I informed her he passed. I'm angry, but I cannot tease out whether it's the loss of my father or the abandonment of my mother during the difficult times that is fueling it.

She wrote me a very, very long email about her desire to visit, to see the Cherry Blossoms and to do various things around DC. She's begun calling and leaving long messages in a sing-songy voice. She's pretending everything's fine. It's not. I haven't responded, but that's mostly because I don't know what to say...

Sorry to hear of your loss. You love your mom, you had higher expectations from her. She disappointed you. But ironically, all of that tells me she's been a reliable and good mother up till the divorce. Tell her you need space right now, you can't see her, but don't lose her for this one thing she did selfishly. Think about everything else that she's done for you. As an aside, kids generally love their grandmas. Don't deprive them of a grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Jesus. First, obviously, my comment about my mother "finishing the gig" was not meant to be literal. It's a frustration venting comment that is nonsensical. As I said, I am good with their divorce. I don't have an issue with her moving on with her life. And I absolutely do not think it's necessary for my mother to take care of my father.

What I am struggling with is the reality of losing my father to a horrific terminal illness, the demands of his care, the demands of my kids and marriage, and my career while getting complaints from my mother that we had to cancel apple picking with her because my father's health went sideways and he ended up in the ICU. I am struggling with the emotional loss and the fact that when I do bring up how hard it's been, my mother's response is less kind than my neighbor. I am struggling with the fact that despite my open invitation to come and visit with the kids, she won't do it unless I'm here, we've planned something fun because "grandmas don't babysit - they visit." Literally words, people. I am struggling because my mother is pretending that this isn't happening and expects me to live in the same strange non-reality, reality.

I had a long conversation with my sister last night. She got it even worse in terms of the guilting about not getting equal amounts of attention. We both are sort of agape at the whole thing because my father has months -- most likely -- to live. And I don't think either of us really want much to do with our mother right now because she's just being so difficult.

While she is not being as "kind" as your neighbor, your neighbor does not have the risk of reaaally helping out. Whereas your mom is in denial because she is at risk of getting involved. Sure she is selfish, but remember your own kids when you are sick and they STILL want you to care for them hand and foot or take them somewhere fun? You are acting like that kid. As a caregiver to your kids yourself, how do you not get it that she wants to, and is entitled to act as she's doing? Plus jeez, you're saying it's terminal, matter of months. Hang in there for a few months, jeez. Has your mom not sacrificed years and years parenting you? Do you really have a child or did you just enter parenthood. After I became a mom and realized the innate sacrifices a mom goes through just to be an ok mom and keep a kid alive and happy, I got deeper appreciation for my mom. Like another PP said, based on your entitled attitude, I think your mom must have provided you with anything and everything. I am not being kind to you, but put yourself in her shoes!!!!

This is completely bonkers. I can't believe someone would justify their awful behavior in this way.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry for the loss of your beloved father, OP. You and your sister need time to recover from this trauma. Therapy is an excellent way to work through your feelings and to figure out where to go from here with your mother. I have a mother who, on the outside, appeared to enjoy motherhood and working as a team with my father to raise happy and successful children. However, being an adventurer and extrovert, it was enormously frustrating to her. When my father became chronically ill in his sixties, it meant her ability to realize her dreams of finally being able to travel and socialize post-children had to be postponed indefinitely. She is now bitterly caring for him. Your perception of your mother during your growing up years may be quite lacking. It sounds like she is desperately living her life while she is still healthy enough to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

But does that mean the mother can completely check out on her daughters while they handle things and expect them to treat the mom like nothing is going on? That's what so crazy about the situation. I think it's telling when people say divorce doesn't impact your kids or they are happier. This is one example of why it sucks to have divorced parents, particularly when one parent takes the position you just posted.

Anyway, the father is dead, so I don't know what the mother can do to right things. She basically killed her relationship with her kids because she couldn't handle her ex dying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

But does that mean the mother can completely check out on her daughters while they handle things and expect them to treat the mom like nothing is going on? That's what so crazy about the situation. I think it's telling when people say divorce doesn't impact your kids or they are happier. This is one example of why it sucks to have divorced parents, particularly when one parent takes the position you just posted.

Anyway, the father is dead, so I don't know what the mother can do to right things. She basically killed her relationship with her kids because she couldn't handle her ex dying.

+1. Divorced people want to believe it doesn't impact their children, and that leads to various crazy behaviors as they try to cope with the cognitive dissonance.

Being an adult child of divorce is a responsibility and a burden, and the parents make it worse with their continuing bad choices.

[Anonymous]

Ex spouses need to be responsible not to burden their children by their choices any more than if they were still together. It's not the child's responsebility to tidy up their parents messes . Either bear the responsibility or give the blessing to your children that they are not expected to lift a finger catering to you in old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just need to vent. My parents divorced right before retiring two years ago.

My mother is healthy, happy, has a nice boyfriend she is enjoying traveling with all over. My father sort of fell apart healthwise and has no friends or relatives (all dead beside his children).

I've tried to explain to my mother how difficult it has been for us. We both have jobs and small children and live a few hours away from our dad. But it's sort of like this awkward thing she refuses to acknowledge is happening. I am pissed because my father's health has gone sideways and my sister and I are stuck trying to care for him, which I know is awful, but there is a small part of me who thinks [b]couldn't you have just finished this gig, ma?[b]

Here's an example. My sister cannot take off to help my father recuperate from surgery. So, I take a few days and help get him settled in a rehab center. In the midst of this, my husband has a work crisis that forces him to travel. We were able to get my mother in law to come down to help with our kids, but logistically, it was stressful. During this whole time, my mother knows what is going on and basically ignores every mention of my father and the logistical mess we were in. Like changes the subject to her next cruise with her boyfriend, which is nice and I'm happy for, but the complete absence of empathy or anything helpful is making me resentful.

I don't know what to think. Venting has helped though.

Why are you mad at your mother? Why aren't you mad at your father? It's his life and his responsibility. He is a grown man. He is not a child that the women in the family must care for.

Find other solutions. There are agencies that provide home health care. He could go to a nursing home/rehab facility.

[Anonymous]

My friend was in this situation a few years ago. Her dad was very ill and basically became a vegetable. She had to move him in and take care of him. She said if she left her mom alone with him her mom would have probably poisoned him. Her parents weren't even divorced!! They had just been in an unhappy marriage for a long time. I don't think your dad is your mom's responsibility anymore. Unfortunately, parents become the children's responsibility when they age.

[Anonymous]

People, read the entire thread. The father of the OP died. Sorry again OP.

[Anonymous]

So sorry op.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP and this has nothing to do with "divorce" and adult church.

It just concerns the particular coping choices and personality of OP's mother. I agree a therapist can help, but this is just a blip in a long history and perhaps needs to be ignored, or watched as sign of some kind of incipient dementia/lack of empathy issue.