Divorced parents late in life drama

[Anonymous]

To those of you who say mom is in the right here: I really wonder what tune you will sing when you get old and sick and DH divorces you to take it up with a new girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Jesus. First, obviously, my comment about my mother "finishing the gig" was not meant to be literal. It's a frustration venting comment that is nonsensical. As I said, I am good with their divorce. I don't have an issue with her moving on with her life. And I absolutely do not think it's necessary for my mother to take care of my father.

What I am struggling with is the reality of losing my father to a horrific terminal illness, the demands of his care, the demands of my kids and marriage, and my career while getting complaints from my mother that we had to cancel apple picking with her because my father's health went sideways and he ended up in the ICU. I am struggling with the emotional loss and the fact that when I do bring up how hard it's been, my mother's response is less kind than my neighbor. I am struggling with the fact that despite my open invitation to come and visit with the kids, she won't do it unless I'm here, we've planned something fun because "grandmas don't babysit - they visit." Literally words, people. I am struggling because my mother is pretending that this isn't happening and expects me to live in the same strange non-reality, reality.

I had a long conversation with my sister last night. She got it even worse in terms of the guilting about not getting equal amounts of attention. We both are sort of agape at the whole thing because my father has months -- most likely -- to live. And I don't think either of us really want much to do with our mother right now because she's just being so difficult.

OP I completely understand. You were only venting and complaining and have every right to do that.

Just focus on your family and your father. You are in a really dark place right now but I promise you it will get better. If you want to ignore your mother because you have to in order to get through this then do it. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Jesus. First, obviously, my comment about my mother "finishing the gig" was not meant to be literal. It's a frustration venting comment that is nonsensical. As I said, I am good with their divorce. I don't have an issue with her moving on with her life. And I absolutely do not think it's necessary for my mother to take care of my father.

What I am struggling with is the reality of losing my father to a horrific terminal illness, the demands of his care, the demands of my kids and marriage, and my career while getting complaints from my mother that we had to cancel apple picking with her because my father's health went sideways and he ended up in the ICU. I am struggling with the emotional loss and the fact that when I do bring up how hard it's been, my mother's response is less kind than my neighbor. I am struggling with the fact that despite my open invitation to come and visit with the kids, she won't do it unless I'm here, we've planned something fun because "grandmas don't babysit - they visit." Literally words, people. I am struggling because my mother is pretending that this isn't happening and expects me to live in the same strange non-reality, reality.

I had a long conversation with my sister last night. She got it even worse in terms of the guilting about not getting equal amounts of attention. We both are sort of agape at the whole thing because my father has months -- most likely -- to live. And I don't think either of us really want much to do with our mother right now because she's just being so difficult.

This sucks, OP. Hugs, and hang in there. Your mom is being a giant B, so I would create some distance for now. You can revisit and sort things out later.

My opinion: This kind of bull towards your kids is unforgivable. The old woman must be crazy or delusional. Like some posters in this thread who think they will live forever and be healthy just as long

[Anonymous]

Your Dad is few hours away, correct? So you are not in fact providing full time hospice care for him? Or is he living with you? I thought you said he is few hours away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your Dad is few hours away, correct? So you are not in fact providing full time hospice care for him? Or is he living with you? I thought you said he is few hours away?

Op doesn't say that she is providing hands on hospice care. She is saying that she and her sister are doing their best to help their dad long distance and Op has stated that she had to take time off to go to him for a few days, her husband wound up having to travel for work and only her in-laws were willing to come to help out with the kids while Op was out of town taking care of her dad. Op's mom is off having a good time and won't even acknowledge that her daughters are having a difficult and stressful time of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is going to reap what she sows. She won't get the relationship with your, your sister, or her grandchildren, because you are all too effing busy taking care of your father. To Pp's who don't seem to get it--sure, mom has no obligation to her ex husband. She still has obligations to her children, FFS. Or not, but then don't complain when no one visits her when she's old and boyfriend has bailed.

Oh please. They are divorced for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is going to reap what she sows. She won't get the relationship with your, your sister, or her grandchildren, because you are all too effing busy taking care of your father. To Pp's who don't seem to get it--sure, mom has no obligation to her ex husband. She still has obligations to her children, FFS. Or not, but then don't complain when no one visits her when she's old and boyfriend has bailed.

Oh please. They are divorced for a reason.

Yeah, I can see why Op's Dad divorced her selfish azz.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your Dad is few hours away, correct? So you are not in fact providing full time hospice care for him? Or is he living with you? I thought you said he is few hours away?

Op doesn't say that she is providing hands on hospice care. She is saying that she and her sister are doing their best to help their dad long distance and Op has stated that she had to take time off to go to him for a few days, her husband wound up having to travel for work and only her in-laws were willing to come to help out with the kids while Op was out of town taking care of her dad. Op's mom is off having a good time and won't even acknowledge that her daughters are having a difficult and stressful time of it.

That just confirms it that OP inherited her attitude from her mom. She had to go see her Dad and excepted her mom to drop everything and come help. I accept that OP is stressed out and having a hard time, but I just can't get over that original post. It really sounds, like mother, like daughter scenario. I think if mom was still married to OP's dad OP would not lift a finger to help out, seeing how put off she is with going to visit her terminally ill father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Jesus. First, obviously, my comment about my mother "finishing the gig" was not meant to be literal. It's a frustration venting comment that is nonsensical. As I said, I am good with their divorce. I don't have an issue with her moving on with her life. And I absolutely do not think it's necessary for my mother to take care of my father.

What I am struggling with is the reality of losing my father to a horrific terminal illness, the demands of his care, the demands of my kids and marriage, and my career while getting complaints from my mother that we had to cancel apple picking with her because my father's health went sideways and he ended up in the ICU. I am struggling with the emotional loss and the fact that when I do bring up how hard it's been, my mother's response is less kind than my neighbor. I am struggling with the fact that despite my open invitation to come and visit with the kids, she won't do it unless I'm here, we've planned something fun because "grandmas don't babysit - they visit." Literally words, people. I am struggling because my mother is pretending that this isn't happening and expects me to live in the same strange non-reality, reality.

I had a long conversation with my sister last night. She got it even worse in terms of the guilting about not getting equal amounts of attention. We both are sort of agape at the whole thing because my father has months -- most likely -- to live. And I don't think either of us really want much to do with our mother right now because she's just being so difficult.

OP I'm on your side. I do not think you are crazy for feeling as you do. I say this as someone who helped care for my ex when he was dying of cancer. He cheated on me so our split was not amicable but I did it because my love for my kids outweighed any anger I had towards him. Sorry you are going through this. Big hugs.

[Anonymous]

I'd love to hear what the mom's perspective is. Maybe her ex-husband made her miserable for years, and did things that she doesn't want to disclose to her daughters, because she knows they love their father. There are more cases like this than you'd think. How is it that he has absolutely no friends or anyone else other than the daughters who will have anything to do with him?

I think people judge women too harshly when they can't meet expectations of being supportive. Maybe it's painful for OP's mom to be too involved in any of this, for reasons OP doesn't understand. She's not telling you not to take care of your dad, or that you can't love him or grieve this loss you're going through. She feels a need to keep her distance, for some reason. Maybe you'll understand some day, when you're older.

Ideally she would be more supportive, if she could be. But as an adult, you have to accept that you can't always lean on people, because they can't always stand strong enough for you to lean on. And if your mom has never been a casserole-toting, babysitting grandma type, then it's unrealistic to expect her to change now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Their marriage ended. Your mother is no longer responsible for your father and she doesn't owe it to you to take him on. Do what you can for your father to the extent you can, as his child. It's as if he was a widower. This doesn't have anything to do with you mother anymore.

This. Your father is NOT your mother's problem anymore. Why did they divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Jesus. First, obviously, my comment about my mother "finishing the gig" was not meant to be literal. It's a frustration venting comment that is nonsensical. As I said, I am good with their divorce. I don't have an issue with her moving on with her life. And I absolutely do not think it's necessary for my mother to take care of my father.

What I am struggling with is the reality of losing my father to a horrific terminal illness, the demands of his care, the demands of my kids and marriage, and my career while getting complaints from my mother that we had to cancel apple picking with her because my father's health went sideways and he ended up in the ICU. I am struggling with the emotional loss and the fact that when I do bring up how hard it's been, my mother's response is less kind than my neighbor. I am struggling with the fact that despite my open invitation to come and visit with the kids, she won't do it unless I'm here, we've planned something fun because "grandmas don't babysit - they visit." Literally words, people. I am struggling because my mother is pretending that this isn't happening and expects me to live in the same strange non-reality, reality.

I had a long conversation with my sister last night. She got it even worse in terms of the guilting about not getting equal amounts of attention. We both are sort of agape at the whole thing because my father has months -- most likely -- to live. And I don't think either of us really want much to do with our mother right now because she's just being so difficult.

It sounds like your mother still has unresolved issues with your dad and whatever happened during their marriage/divorce. Maybe she thinks being accommodating while you are dealing with your dad's issues is an indirect way of helping your dad (which she clearly does not want to do). Sure, it's petty but you don't know what really went on in their marriage. Remember, it's easy for your neighbor to be sympathetic since they have no emotional connection/history with your dad.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, op. DCUM is full of idiots sometimes. Take the good you can from this thread and ignore the rest. I get why you're upset and I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your Dad is few hours away, correct? So you are not in fact providing full time hospice care for him? Or is he living with you? I thought you said he is few hours away?

Op doesn't say that she is providing hands on hospice care. She is saying that she and her sister are doing their best to help their dad long distance and Op has stated that she had to take time off to go to him for a few days, her husband wound up having to travel for work and only her in-laws were willing to come to help out with the kids while Op was out of town taking care of her dad. Op's mom is off having a good time and won't even acknowledge that her daughters are having a difficult and stressful time of it.

That just confirms it that OP inherited her attitude from her mom. She had to go see her Dad and excepted her mom to drop everything and come help. I accept that OP is stressed out and having a hard time, but I just can't get over that original post. It really sounds, like mother, like daughter scenario. I think if mom was still married to OP's dad OP would not lift a finger to help out, seeing how put off she is with going to visit her terminally ill father.

Huh? It's not just this one instance that Op is talking about it. That is only one example. The problem is that Op's mom does not acknowledge at all that her daughters are going through a gut wrenching ordeal right now with their father.

No one *wants* to deal with terminal illness in a parent, btw. It's something that you do out of love and obligation, it's not something that you ever want to have to do.

[Anonymous]

Just because there is someone to blame doesn't change the circumstance or advice - - know what you are willing to do and get help