snooping

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse can use my phone, computer, etc. I have nothing to hide and assume the same with him. It's called being open books.

A secretive person means there are red flags.

+1. I don't snoop, but I use his email, cell and computer occasionally. We have nothing to hide. I know all his passwords and he knows mine.

Exactly, how it should be. I wouldn't be with someone who wasn't a open book.

Another person like this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good explanation about why "snooping" is good for a marriage and blind trust is bad.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

To each their own, but if my spouse said I wasn't entitled to privacy because I was now married, I would end my marriage.

What are you keeping "private"?

Or communications with a therapist. Maybe I am worried about you. Maybe I think you need help and I am talking to your mom and sister.

Or maybe it's work related. I'm a lawyer and I sometimes get texts and emails. That's none of your business and your snooping could have serious consequences to others.

You are controlling and insecure. If you couldn't pick a partner you could trust, that's your problem.

+1. Or maybe I was communicating with my parents about a health issue that they did not want divulged (that was a true example for me).

Why didn't they want your husband/wife to know? Couldn't he be helpful with doctors appointment, maybe he has a friend that is a specialist in that area,... my H would be very helpful in this area so no.. it would not be a secret that my parents have health related issues.

Though part of my family is Asian and everything must be kept a secret from their childre, they have no clue grandma has leukemia event though one of them walked in "light the night" for her. Bizarre.

Why they (the owners of the information) what it kept private is irrelevant. If they want it kept secret, respect their wishes. Or be forthright and tell them upfront that you cannot be trusted to keep a confidence. Period.

If your spouse might have information, ask. Say "Hey! My spouse could really provide awesome input! Do you mind if I run it past them?"

If the answers "no" then deal with it. It isn't your story. You are being trusted to secure a person's vulnerability. It's not your place to choose what to do with it.

I would absolutely say "do not tell me anything you expect me to hide from my spouse". If they don't want my spouse to know they should not tell me. They should respect my decision not to keep secrets in my marriage. It is absolutely nobody's else's choice on how I conduct my relationship with my H. Nobody is more important than my H.

If they want me as a confidant my H and I are a package deal. Nobody, nobody has ever ask me to keep information from my H and I am very much the person everybody turns to when they have a family crisis.

They also know I will not share it with anybody else, and my H won't share it.

+100000 don't tell me anything expecting me to keep it a secret from my spouse. I wouldn't necessarily end up telling him but I don't believe in secrets. Something might not come up but I'm never going to intentionally withhold information from him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good explanation about why "snooping" is good for a marriage and blind trust is bad.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

To each their own, but if my spouse said I wasn't entitled to privacy because I was now married, I would end my marriage.

What are you keeping "private"?

Or communications with a therapist. Maybe I am worried about you. Maybe I think you need help and I am talking to your mom and sister.

Or maybe it's work related. I'm a lawyer and I sometimes get texts and emails. That's none of your business and your snooping could have serious consequences to others.

You are controlling and insecure. If you couldn't pick a partner you could trust, that's your problem.

+1. Or maybe I was communicating with my parents about a health issue that they did not want divulged (that was a true example for me).

Why didn't they want your husband/wife to know? Couldn't he be helpful with doctors appointment, maybe he has a friend that is a specialist in that area,... my H would be very helpful in this area so no.. it would not be a secret that my parents have health related issues.

Though part of my family is Asian and everything must be kept a secret from their childre, they have no clue grandma has leukemia event though one of them walked in "light the night" for her. Bizarre.

Why they (the owners of the information) what it kept private is irrelevant. If they want it kept secret, respect their wishes. Or be forthright and tell them upfront that you cannot be trusted to keep a confidence. Period.

If your spouse might have information, ask. Say "Hey! My spouse could really provide awesome input! Do you mind if I run it past them?"

If the answers "no" then deal with it. It isn't your story. You are being trusted to secure a person's vulnerability. It's not your place to choose what to do with it.

I would absolutely say "do not tell me anything you expect me to hide from my spouse". If they don't want my spouse to know they should not tell me. They should respect my decision not to keep secrets in my marriage. It is absolutely nobody's else's choice on how I conduct my relationship with my H. Nobody is more important than my H.

If they want me as a confidant my H and I are a package deal. Nobody, nobody has ever ask me to keep information from my H and I am very much the person everybody turns to when they have a family crisis.

They also know I will not share it with anybody else, and my H won't share it.

+100000 don't tell me anything expecting me to keep it a secret from my spouse. I wouldn't necessarily end up telling him but I don't believe in secrets. Something might not come up but I'm never going to intentionally withhold information from him

News weather and sports for you too!

[Anonymous]

Pretty much sums up the respective difference of opinions on this matter...

[Anonymous]

It is prett likely that one or more of these open book types is a legs or medical professional or has a security clearance.

Either you breach those confidences too (and should therefore lose your license or clearance) or proudly declare to one and all in your lives that you treat the confidences of Bank of America as more valuable and worthy of safe-guarding than the confidences of your oldest and most trusted friends and family.

What a great place we live in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good explanation about why "snooping" is good for a marriage and blind trust is bad.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

To each their own, but if my spouse said I wasn't entitled to privacy because I was now married, I would end my marriage.

What are you keeping "private"?

Would you be ok if your spouse put a wire on you during girls night out? Are you allowed to have a private conversation about your ups and downs, that sometimes involve your spouse?

Of course, why not. Geez, are you so trashy that your girls night out can't be observed by somebody that loves you.

My H and I discuss our ups and downs, so he would not be hearing anything new.

Next time you go out maybe you can limit your trashy ways by imagining that you are being recorded.

NP. How can you go on with no privacy whatsoever? A conversation doesn't need to be "trashy" to be private

So I am not the PP but one of the PP's on the 'no secrets' side of the argument. I do have private moments. He doesn't snoop, but we have exclusive access, and I wouldn't be embarrassed if he heard a conversation where I talked about him or a text. Giving someone trust and access isn't the same as that person using it.

The same with these 'confidences' from friends. If my friend tells me about a yeast infection am I going to tell my husband? Probably not, but I refuse philosophically to say that I would keep something from him. Because I think that would erode my marriage. It might not be the same for everyone but that is how it is for us.

Essentially in our house pandora's box is open if anyone wants to look inside, but we trust each other so we're not actively looking through each other's text messages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good explanation about why "snooping" is good for a marriage and blind trust is bad.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

To each their own, but if my spouse said I wasn't entitled to privacy because I was now married, I would end my marriage.

What are you keeping "private"?

Or communications with a therapist. Maybe I am worried about you. Maybe I think you need help and I am talking to your mom and sister.

Or maybe it's work related. I'm a lawyer and I sometimes get texts and emails. That's none of your business and your snooping could have serious consequences to others.

You are controlling and insecure. If you couldn't pick a partner you could trust, that's your problem.

+1. Or maybe I was communicating with my parents about a health issue that they did not want divulged (that was a true example for me).

Why didn't they want your husband/wife to know? Couldn't he be helpful with doctors appointment, maybe he has a friend that is a specialist in that area,... my H would be very helpful in this area so no.. it would not be a secret that my parents have health related issues.

Though part of my family is Asian and everything must be kept a secret from their childre, they have no clue grandma has leukemia event though one of them walked in "light the night" for her. Bizarre.

Why they (the owners of the information) what it kept private is irrelevant. If they want it kept secret, respect their wishes. Or be forthright and tell them upfront that you cannot be trusted to keep a confidence. Period.

If your spouse might have information, ask. Say "Hey! My spouse could really provide awesome input! Do you mind if I run it past them?"

If the answers "no" then deal with it. It isn't your story. You are being trusted to secure a person's vulnerability. It's not your place to choose what to do with it.

I would absolutely say "do not tell me anything you expect me to hide from my spouse". If they don't want my spouse to know they should not tell me. They should respect my decision not to keep secrets in my marriage. It is absolutely nobody's else's choice on how I conduct my relationship with my H. Nobody is more important than my H.

If they want me as a confidant my H and I are a package deal. Nobody, nobody has ever ask me to keep information from my H and I am very much the person everybody turns to when they have a family crisis.

They also know I will not share it with anybody else, and my H won't share it.

That is fine for your family, but not every family has that level of trust. I am an only surviving child so there is NO way I can afford to play that "don't tell me if you do not want DH to know" card with my parents. While I am an open book with DH with everything about me, my DH does not need to know everything about their health, especially if they want to keep it confidential. And guess what...my DH understand that and is fine about that. He would rather them tell me (and him not know) than for them not to say anything and I am blindsided. I look at it this way, it is not MY privacy that I am protecting - it is theirs.

But it is okay for your h to be blind sided, okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good explanation about why "snooping" is good for a marriage and blind trust is bad.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

To each their own, but if my spouse said I wasn't entitled to privacy because I was now married, I would end my marriage.

What are you keeping "private"?

Or communications with a therapist. Maybe I am worried about you. Maybe I think you need help and I am talking to your mom and sister.

Or maybe it's work related. I'm a lawyer and I sometimes get texts and emails. That's none of your business and your snooping could have serious consequences to others.

You are controlling and insecure. If you couldn't pick a partner you could trust, that's your problem.

+1. Or maybe I was communicating with my parents about a health issue that they did not want divulged (that was a true example for me).

Why didn't they want your husband/wife to know? Couldn't he be helpful with doctors appointment, maybe he has a friend that is a specialist in that area,... my H would be very helpful in this area so no.. it would not be a secret that my parents have health related issues.

Though part of my family is Asian and everything must be kept a secret from their childre, they have no clue grandma has leukemia event though one of them walked in "light the night" for her. Bizarre.

Why they (the owners of the information) what it kept private is irrelevant. If they want it kept secret, respect their wishes. Or be forthright and tell them upfront that you cannot be trusted to keep a confidence. Period.

If your spouse might have information, ask. Say "Hey! My spouse could really provide awesome input! Do you mind if I run it past them?"

If the answers "no" then deal with it. It isn't your story. You are being trusted to secure a person's vulnerability. It's not your place to choose what to do with it.

I would absolutely say "do not tell me anything you expect me to hide from my spouse". If they don't want my spouse to know they should not tell me. They should respect my decision not to keep secrets in my marriage. It is absolutely nobody's else's choice on how I conduct my relationship with my H. Nobody is more important than my H.

If they want me as a confidant my H and I are a package deal. Nobody, nobody has ever ask me to keep information from my H and I am very much the person everybody turns to when they have a family crisis.

They also know I will not share it with anybody else, and my H won't share it.

This is way overboard. Being open with your phone, computer with each other is one thing. Betraying a good friend's confidence is another matter. If I tell a friend something, specifically asking them NOT to tell anyone or their husband I would expect that. It's nothing to do with their marriage nor her husband's business. You are clearly confused about boundaries.

and I think you are confused about boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good explanation about why "snooping" is good for a marriage and blind trust is bad.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

To each their own, but if my spouse said I wasn't entitled to privacy because I was now married, I would end my marriage.

What are you keeping "private"?

Or communications with a therapist. Maybe I am worried about you. Maybe I think you need help and I am talking to your mom and sister.

Or maybe it's work related. I'm a lawyer and I sometimes get texts and emails. That's none of your business and your snooping could have serious consequences to others.

You are controlling and insecure. If you couldn't pick a partner you could trust, that's your problem.

+1. Or maybe I was communicating with my parents about a health issue that they did not want divulged (that was a true example for me).

Why didn't they want your husband/wife to know? Couldn't he be helpful with doctors appointment, maybe he has a friend that is a specialist in that area,... my H would be very helpful in this area so no.. it would not be a secret that my parents have health related issues.

Though part of my family is Asian and everything must be kept a secret from their childre, they have no clue grandma has leukemia event though one of them walked in "light the night" for her. Bizarre.

Why they (the owners of the information) what it kept private is irrelevant. If they want it kept secret, respect their wishes. Or be forthright and tell them upfront that you cannot be trusted to keep a confidence. Period.

If your spouse might have information, ask. Say "Hey! My spouse could really provide awesome input! Do you mind if I run it past them?"

If the answers "no" then deal with it. It isn't your story. You are being trusted to secure a person's vulnerability. It's not your place to choose what to do with it.

I would absolutely say "do not tell me anything you expect me to hide from my spouse". If they don't want my spouse to know they should not tell me. They should respect my decision not to keep secrets in my marriage. It is absolutely nobody's else's choice on how I conduct my relationship with my H. Nobody is more important than my H.

If they want me as a confidant my H and I are a package deal. Nobody, nobody has ever ask me to keep information from my H and I am very much the person everybody turns to when they have a family crisis.

They also know I will not share it with anybody else, and my H won't share it.

Well, there you go. News, weather and sports. That seems to be the parameter of what people want to talk to you about.

No. Since I have experience with at risk youths my house is like a revolving door with people asking advice about their teens. I am the person they call about alcohol, pot citations and arrests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good explanation about why "snooping" is good for a marriage and blind trust is bad.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

To each their own, but if my spouse said I wasn't entitled to privacy because I was now married, I would end my marriage.

What are you keeping "private"?

Or communications with a therapist. Maybe I am worried about you. Maybe I think you need help and I am talking to your mom and sister.

Or maybe it's work related. I'm a lawyer and I sometimes get texts and emails. That's none of your business and your snooping could have serious consequences to others.

You are controlling and insecure. If you couldn't pick a partner you could trust, that's your problem.

+1. Or maybe I was communicating with my parents about a health issue that they did not want divulged (that was a true example for me).

Why didn't they want your husband/wife to know? Couldn't he be helpful with doctors appointment, maybe he has a friend that is a specialist in that area,... my H would be very helpful in this area so no.. it would not be a secret that my parents have health related issues.

Though part of my family is Asian and everything must be kept a secret from their childre, they have no clue grandma has leukemia event though one of them walked in "light the night" for her. Bizarre.

Why they (the owners of the information) what it kept private is irrelevant. If they want it kept secret, respect their wishes. Or be forthright and tell them upfront that you cannot be trusted to keep a confidence. Period.

If your spouse might have information, ask. Say "Hey! My spouse could really provide awesome input! Do you mind if I run it past them?"

If the answers "no" then deal with it. It isn't your story. You are being trusted to secure a person's vulnerability. It's not your place to choose what to do with it.

I would absolutely say "do not tell me anything you expect me to hide from my spouse". If they don't want my spouse to know they should not tell me. They should respect my decision not to keep secrets in my marriage. It is absolutely nobody's else's choice on how I conduct my relationship with my H. Nobody is more important than my H.

If they want me as a confidant my H and I are a package deal. Nobody, nobody has ever ask me to keep information from my H and I am very much the person everybody turns to when they have a family crisis.

They also know I will not share it with anybody else, and my H won't share it.

+100000 don't tell me anything expecting me to keep it a secret from my spouse. I wouldn't necessarily end up telling him but I don't believe in secrets. Something might not come up but I'm never going to intentionally withhold information from him

News weather and sports for you too!

I totally respect that someone might decide to not tell me something as a result! I have prioritized my relationship with my husband. Other relationships are important, but the marriage is the central relationship in my life. Totally fine if that isn't how everyone operates, I don't ask other people to live the way I do, just that they respect the choices I have decided to make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good explanation about why "snooping" is good for a marriage and blind trust is bad.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

To each their own, but if my spouse said I wasn't entitled to privacy because I was now married, I would end my marriage.

What are you keeping "private"?

Or communications with a therapist. Maybe I am worried about you. Maybe I think you need help and I am talking to your mom and sister.

Or maybe it's work related. I'm a lawyer and I sometimes get texts and emails. That's none of your business and your snooping could have serious consequences to others.

You are controlling and insecure. If you couldn't pick a partner you could trust, that's your problem.

+1. Or maybe I was communicating with my parents about a health issue that they did not want divulged (that was a true example for me).

Why didn't they want your husband/wife to know? Couldn't he be helpful with doctors appointment, maybe he has a friend that is a specialist in that area,... my H would be very helpful in this area so no.. it would not be a secret that my parents have health related issues.

Though part of my family is Asian and everything must be kept a secret from their childre, they have no clue grandma has leukemia event though one of them walked in "light the night" for her. Bizarre.

Why they (the owners of the information) what it kept private is irrelevant. If they want it kept secret, respect their wishes. Or be forthright and tell them upfront that you cannot be trusted to keep a confidence. Period.

If your spouse might have information, ask. Say "Hey! My spouse could really provide awesome input! Do you mind if I run it past them?"

If the answers "no" then deal with it. It isn't your story. You are being trusted to secure a person's vulnerability. It's not your place to choose what to do with it.

I would absolutely say "do not tell me anything you expect me to hide from my spouse". If they don't want my spouse to know they should not tell me. They should respect my decision not to keep secrets in my marriage. It is absolutely nobody's else's choice on how I conduct my relationship with my H. Nobody is more important than my H.

If they want me as a confidant my H and I are a package deal. Nobody, nobody has ever ask me to keep information from my H and I am very much the person everybody turns to when they have a family crisis.

They also know I will not share it with anybody else, and my H won't share it.

Well, there you go. News, weather and sports. That seems to be the parameter of what people want to talk to you about.

No. Since I have experience with at risk youths my house is like a revolving door with people asking advice about their teens. I am the person they call about alcohol, pot citations and arrests.

Sounds like you're a social worker of sorts. If so, telling your husband is against the law and unethical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good explanation about why "snooping" is good for a marriage and blind trust is bad.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

To each their own, but if my spouse said I wasn't entitled to privacy because I was now married, I would end my marriage.

+1...in a hot friggin minute!

+2 I put up with this snooper crap in my first marriage, and then two girlfriends following that. Now I bail at the first whiff. I made this very clear to now DW before we got serious. Snoopers are insecure and easy to spot, and their buttons are easy to push to find out how respectful of privacy and independence (and that's really what this is about: your spouse|partner might be doing something you don't know about and aren't involved in).

I suspect Wife #1 got your number right, so did the two girlfriends. DW will also get tired of your bs down the road. There's privacy and then there's someone that is secretive. We never make the other feel like they can't look at each's phone, computer, etc. Mine crashed so I was welcomed to use his.

If I was involved with someone that hid everything you can bet I would check on them. We're not talking about bathroom privacy, but basic openness.

If your spouse wasn't allowed to use your phone computer, look at your FB etc.. then you're the one with the problem.

What if your spouse said ok but this is off limits. Or, how do you deal with the following situation.

DW's mother wrote to me to talk to me about DW decompensating. She has a mental health issue that creeps back. I need to be very careful in addressing this with DW. Mom will email or text. Sometimes it's much ado about nothing. Sometimes something. But nonetheless, I need to keep this from DW until a decision is made. If she has unfettered access, it could be a real problem.

My mentally ill brother's wife does not keep conversations she has with me from him. He would become more paranoid and think the worst. His paranoia would be confirmed by finding secrets and he would flip.

He gave me permission to call his therapist and I said I won't tell him I called (meaning she should) and she told me absolutely don't lie about that or about talking to his wife, which I would never do... I just was not talking to him before she was.

You should consult a therapist, but they will advise you on how to have an open an honest conversation without setting off a psychotic event. I hope you are not trying to handle this without professional help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good explanation about why "snooping" is good for a marriage and blind trust is bad.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

To each their own, but if my spouse said I wasn't entitled to privacy because I was now married, I would end my marriage.

What are you keeping "private"?

Or communications with a therapist. Maybe I am worried about you. Maybe I think you need help and I am talking to your mom and sister.

Or maybe it's work related. I'm a lawyer and I sometimes get texts and emails. That's none of your business and your snooping could have serious consequences to others.

You are controlling and insecure. If you couldn't pick a partner you could trust, that's your problem.

+1. Or maybe I was communicating with my parents about a health issue that they did not want divulged (that was a true example for me).

Why didn't they want your husband/wife to know? Couldn't he be helpful with doctors appointment, maybe he has a friend that is a specialist in that area,... my H would be very helpful in this area so no.. it would not be a secret that my parents have health related issues.

Though part of my family is Asian and everything must be kept a secret from their childre, they have no clue grandma has leukemia event though one of them walked in "light the night" for her. Bizarre.

Why they (the owners of the information) what it kept private is irrelevant. If they want it kept secret, respect their wishes. Or be forthright and tell them upfront that you cannot be trusted to keep a confidence. Period.

If your spouse might have information, ask. Say "Hey! My spouse could really provide awesome input! Do you mind if I run it past them?"

If the answers "no" then deal with it. It isn't your story. You are being trusted to secure a person's vulnerability. It's not your place to choose what to do with it.

I would absolutely say "do not tell me anything you expect me to hide from my spouse". If they don't want my spouse to know they should not tell me. They should respect my decision not to keep secrets in my marriage. It is absolutely nobody's else's choice on how I conduct my relationship with my H. Nobody is more important than my H.

If they want me as a confidant my H and I are a package deal. Nobody, nobody has ever ask me to keep information from my H and I am very much the person everybody turns to when they have a family crisis.

They also know I will not share it with anybody else, and my H won't share it.

+100000 don't tell me anything expecting me to keep it a secret from my spouse. I wouldn't necessarily end up telling him but I don't believe in secrets. Something might not come up but I'm never going to intentionally withhold information from him

News weather and sports for you too!

I totally respect that someone might decide to not tell me something as a result! I have prioritized my relationship with my husband. Other relationships are important, but the marriage is the central relationship in my life. Totally fine if that isn't how everyone operates, I don't ask other people to live the way I do, just that they respect the choices I have decided to make.

That's great. We all make choices. Just be sure to tell people that you made that choice so they can make choices too.

And don't be surprised or hurt when your BFF Betty now turns to Verinica to confide in and seek support from. But at least you'll know what Betty ate at the Caps game!

Your friends value you. They don't by default value your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good explanation about why "snooping" is good for a marriage and blind trust is bad.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

To each their own, but if my spouse said I wasn't entitled to privacy because I was now married, I would end my marriage.

+1...in a hot friggin minute!

+2 I put up with this snooper crap in my first marriage, and then two girlfriends following that. Now I bail at the first whiff. I made this very clear to now DW before we got serious. Snoopers are insecure and easy to spot, and their buttons are easy to push to find out how respectful of privacy and independence (and that's really what this is about: your spouse|partner might be doing something you don't know about and aren't involved in).

I suspect Wife #1 got your number right, so did the two girlfriends. DW will also get tired of your bs down the road. There's privacy and then there's someone that is secretive. We never make the other feel like they can't look at each's phone, computer, etc. Mine crashed so I was welcomed to use his.

If I was involved with someone that hid everything you can bet I would check on them. We're not talking about bathroom privacy, but basic openness.

If your spouse wasn't allowed to use your phone computer, look at your FB etc.. then you're the one with the problem.

What if your spouse said ok but this is off limits. Or, how do you deal with the following situation.

DW's mother wrote to me to talk to me about DW decompensating. She has a mental health issue that creeps back. I need to be very careful in addressing this with DW. Mom will email or text. Sometimes it's much ado about nothing. Sometimes something. But nonetheless, I need to keep this from DW until a decision is made. If she has unfettered access, it could be a real problem.

My mentally ill brother's wife does not keep conversations she has with me from him. He would become more paranoid and think the worst. His paranoia would be confirmed by finding secrets and he would flip.

He gave me permission to call his therapist and I said I won't tell him I called (meaning she should) and she told me absolutely don't lie about that or about talking to his wife, which I would never do... I just was not talking to him before she was.

You should consult a therapist, but they will advise you on how to have an open an honest conversation without setting off a psychotic event. I hope you are not trying to handle this without professional help.

That's a very reasonable statement and I should have added clarity. Yes. These exercises are conducted in a 3-way with DE's therapist. I would not do anything like that on my own. As you point out, it could backfire terribly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good explanation about why "snooping" is good for a marriage and blind trust is bad.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

To each their own, but if my spouse said I wasn't entitled to privacy because I was now married, I would end my marriage.

What are you keeping "private"?

Or communications with a therapist. Maybe I am worried about you. Maybe I think you need help and I am talking to your mom and sister.

Or maybe it's work related. I'm a lawyer and I sometimes get texts and emails. That's none of your business and your snooping could have serious consequences to others.

You are controlling and insecure. If you couldn't pick a partner you could trust, that's your problem.

+1. Or maybe I was communicating with my parents about a health issue that they did not want divulged (that was a true example for me).

Why didn't they want your husband/wife to know? Couldn't he be helpful with doctors appointment, maybe he has a friend that is a specialist in that area,... my H would be very helpful in this area so no.. it would not be a secret that my parents have health related issues.

Though part of my family is Asian and everything must be kept a secret from their childre, they have no clue grandma has leukemia event though one of them walked in "light the night" for her. Bizarre.

Why they (the owners of the information) what it kept private is irrelevant. If they want it kept secret, respect their wishes. Or be forthright and tell them upfront that you cannot be trusted to keep a confidence. Period.

If your spouse might have information, ask. Say "Hey! My spouse could really provide awesome input! Do you mind if I run it past them?"

If the answers "no" then deal with it. It isn't your story. You are being trusted to secure a person's vulnerability. It's not your place to choose what to do with it.

I would absolutely say "do not tell me anything you expect me to hide from my spouse". If they don't want my spouse to know they should not tell me. They should respect my decision not to keep secrets in my marriage. It is absolutely nobody's else's choice on how I conduct my relationship with my H. Nobody is more important than my H.

If they want me as a confidant my H and I are a package deal. Nobody, nobody has ever ask me to keep information from my H and I am very much the person everybody turns to when they have a family crisis.

They also know I will not share it with anybody else, and my H won't share it.

+100000 don't tell me anything expecting me to keep it a secret from my spouse. I wouldn't necessarily end up telling him but I don't believe in secrets. Something might not come up but I'm never going to intentionally withhold information from him

News weather and sports for you too!

I totally respect that someone might decide to not tell me something as a result! I have prioritized my relationship with my husband. Other relationships are important, but the marriage is the central relationship in my life. Totally fine if that isn't how everyone operates, I don't ask other people to live the way I do, just that they respect the choices I have decided to make.

That's great. We all make choices. Just be sure to tell people that you made that choice so they can make choices too.

And don't be surprised or hurt when your BFF Betty now turns to Verinica to confide in and seek support from. But at least you'll know what Betty ate at the Caps game!

Your friends value you. They don't by default value your husband.

How old are you? 12? You actually get jealous when your friends have a full support group. You want your BFF to only confide in you. You get jealous if she has other friends. Creepy.