snooping

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good explanation about why "snooping" is good for a marriage and blind trust is bad.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

To each their own, but if my spouse said I wasn't entitled to privacy because I was now married, I would end my marriage.

+1...in a hot friggin minute!

+2 I put up with this snooper crap in my first marriage, and then two girlfriends following that. Now I bail at the first whiff. I made this very clear to now DW before we got serious. Snoopers are insecure and easy to spot, and their buttons are easy to push to find out how respectful of privacy and independence (and that's really what this is about: your spouse|partner might be doing something you don't know about and aren't involved in).

I suspect Wife #1 got your number right, so did the two girlfriends. DW will also get tired of your bs down the road. There's privacy and then there's someone that is secretive. We never make the other feel like they can't look at each's phone, computer, etc. Mine crashed so I was welcomed to use his.

If I was involved with someone that hid everything you can bet I would check on them. We're not talking about bathroom privacy, but basic openness.

If your spouse wasn't allowed to use your phone computer, look at your FB etc.. then you're the one with the problem.

What if your spouse said ok but this is off limits. Or, how do you deal with the following situation.

DW's mother wrote to me to talk to me about DW decompensating. She has a mental health issue that creeps back. I need to be very careful in addressing this with DW. Mom will email or text. Sometimes it's much ado about nothing. Sometimes something. But nonetheless, I need to keep this from DW until a decision is made. If she has unfettered access, it could be a real problem.

My mentally ill brother's wife does not keep conversations she has with me from him. He would become more paranoid and think the worst. His paranoia would be confirmed by finding secrets and he would flip.

He gave me permission to call his therapist and I said I won't tell him I called (meaning she should) and she told me absolutely don't lie about that or about talking to his wife, which I would never do... I just was not talking to him before she was.

You should consult a therapist, but they will advise you on how to have an open an honest conversation without setting off a psychotic event. I hope you are not trying to handle this without professional help.

That's a very reasonable statement and I should have added clarity. Yes. These exercises are conducted in a 3-way with DE's therapist. I would not do anything like that on my own. As you point out, it could backfire terribly.

Oh good and best wishes. She is lucky to have you. Supporting her can be fatiguing ... I hope you have the opportunity to care for yourself. Stay strong!

[Anonymous]

I would tell women not to do any of those things. Instead check on him periodically, have a friend or someone follow him after work or before. If he travels have someone from that city do the same. He'll never find out, and you won't end up wasting years with a cheater like some people have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good explanation about why "snooping" is good for a marriage and blind trust is bad.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

To each their own, but if my spouse said I wasn't entitled to privacy because I was now married, I would end my marriage.

What are you keeping "private"?

Or communications with a therapist. Maybe I am worried about you. Maybe I think you need help and I am talking to your mom and sister.

Or maybe it's work related. I'm a lawyer and I sometimes get texts and emails. That's none of your business and your snooping could have serious consequences to others.

You are controlling and insecure. If you couldn't pick a partner you could trust, that's your problem.

+1. Or maybe I was communicating with my parents about a health issue that they did not want divulged (that was a true example for me).

Why didn't they want your husband/wife to know? Couldn't he be helpful with doctors appointment, maybe he has a friend that is a specialist in that area,... my H would be very helpful in this area so no.. it would not be a secret that my parents have health related issues.

Though part of my family is Asian and everything must be kept a secret from their childre, they have no clue grandma has leukemia event though one of them walked in "light the night" for her. Bizarre.

Why they (the owners of the information) what it kept private is irrelevant. If they want it kept secret, respect their wishes. Or be forthright and tell them upfront that you cannot be trusted to keep a confidence. Period.

If your spouse might have information, ask. Say "Hey! My spouse could really provide awesome input! Do you mind if I run it past them?"

If the answers "no" then deal with it. It isn't your story. You are being trusted to secure a person's vulnerability. It's not your place to choose what to do with it.

I would absolutely say "do not tell me anything you expect me to hide from my spouse". If they don't want my spouse to know they should not tell me. They should respect my decision not to keep secrets in my marriage. It is absolutely nobody's else's choice on how I conduct my relationship with my H. Nobody is more important than my H.

If they want me as a confidant my H and I are a package deal. Nobody, nobody has ever ask me to keep information from my H and I am very much the person everybody turns to when they have a family crisis.

They also know I will not share it with anybody else, and my H won't share it.

+100000 don't tell me anything expecting me to keep it a secret from my spouse. I wouldn't necessarily end up telling him but I don't believe in secrets. Something might not come up but I'm never going to intentionally withhold information from him

News weather and sports for you too!

I totally respect that someone might decide to not tell me something as a result! I have prioritized my relationship with my husband. Other relationships are important, but the marriage is the central relationship in my life. Totally fine if that isn't how everyone operates, I don't ask other people to live the way I do, just that they respect the choices I have decided to make.

That's great. We all make choices. Just be sure to tell people that you made that choice so they can make choices too.

And don't be surprised or hurt when your BFF Betty now turns to Verinica to confide in and seek support from. But at least you'll know what Betty ate at the Caps game!

Your friends value you. They don't by default value your husband.

I have always been very up front about this with my friends. I still have friends who confide in me. And honestly I wouldn't be friends with someone who didn't at least respect my husband.

I've been married awhile, my friends adjusted, you don't need to warn me of the consequences of a decision and position I've already taken for years lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a good explanation about why "snooping" is good for a marriage and blind trust is bad.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_snoop.html

To each their own, but if my spouse said I wasn't entitled to privacy because I was now married, I would end my marriage.

What are you keeping "private"?

Or communications with a therapist. Maybe I am worried about you. Maybe I think you need help and I am talking to your mom and sister.

Or maybe it's work related. I'm a lawyer and I sometimes get texts and emails. That's none of your business and your snooping could have serious consequences to others.

You are controlling and insecure. If you couldn't pick a partner you could trust, that's your problem.

+1. Or maybe I was communicating with my parents about a health issue that they did not want divulged (that was a true example for me).

Why didn't they want your husband/wife to know? Couldn't he be helpful with doctors appointment, maybe he has a friend that is a specialist in that area,... my H would be very helpful in this area so no.. it would not be a secret that my parents have health related issues.

Though part of my family is Asian and everything must be kept a secret from their childre, they have no clue grandma has leukemia event though one of them walked in "light the night" for her. Bizarre.

Why they (the owners of the information) what it kept private is irrelevant. If they want it kept secret, respect their wishes. Or be forthright and tell them upfront that you cannot be trusted to keep a confidence. Period.

If your spouse might have information, ask. Say "Hey! My spouse could really provide awesome input! Do you mind if I run it past them?"

If the answers "no" then deal with it. It isn't your story. You are being trusted to secure a person's vulnerability. It's not your place to choose what to do with it.

I would absolutely say "do not tell me anything you expect me to hide from my spouse". If they don't want my spouse to know they should not tell me. They should respect my decision not to keep secrets in my marriage. It is absolutely nobody's else's choice on how I conduct my relationship with my H. Nobody is more important than my H.

If they want me as a confidant my H and I are a package deal. Nobody, nobody has ever ask me to keep information from my H and I am very much the person everybody turns to when they have a family crisis.

They also know I will not share it with anybody else, and my H won't share it.

That is fine for your family, but not every family has that level of trust. I am an only surviving child so there is NO way I can afford to play that "don't tell me if you do not want DH to know" card with my parents. While I am an open book with DH with everything about me, my DH does not need to know everything about their health, especially if they want to keep it confidential. And guess what...my DH understand that and is fine about that. He would rather them tell me (and him not know) than for them not to say anything and I am blindsided. I look at it this way, it is not MY privacy that I am protecting - it is theirs.

But it is okay for your h to be blind sided, okay?

You are missing the point but ok.

[Anonymous]

Good lord. I am not interested at all in my husband's texts or emails. We both have the same password on our phones so that we can use them interchangeably if needed. I absolutely do not share my friends' personal information with my husband, nor would he be interested in their marital, family or health issues. Having an open relationship with your spouse does not mean that every thought or conversation you ever have needs to be vomited out for them daily. That sounds like an awful way to live.

[Anonymous]

I had a horrible friend who I thought was keeping things confidential. Turned out she was telling him everything! That's a co-dependent woman who can't have a separate identity from their husband. Being over secretive is one thing, sharing everything and betraying people's trust is another.

Both are equally dysfunctional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a horrible friend who I thought was keeping things confidential. Turned out she was telling him everything! That's a co-dependent woman who can't have a separate identity from their husband. Being over secretive is one thing, sharing everything and betraying people's trust is another.

Both are equally dysfunctional.

Just curious, how did you find out? I am a PP that doesn't believe in secrets and is clear about that with my friends. Occasionally I will talk to my spouse about how to help a friend or assist (ie, a friend going through a breakup who has been sleeping around and I am worried). I will tell him if they revealed something scandalous they did in the bedroom that he might think was interesting. Random things that my friends certainly wouldn't tell him but he also would never bring up in their presence. Like part of the idea of no secrets is that my husband isn't going around blabbing my friend's business. We talk to each other but our conversations stop with each other too.

I think a better way to phrase how a lot of us feel about this isn't, 'why do you feel like you have to tell your spouse anything' and more 'do you feel comfortable intentionally keeping something secret from your spouse.' I don't tell him everything, and sometimes I might leave something out about my family that might make things tense or make someone feel uncomfortable but there is never anything that I would REFUSE to tell him. I think that is the line that a lot of us are describing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a horrible friend who I thought was keeping things confidential. Turned out she was telling him everything! That's a co-dependent woman who can't have a separate identity from their husband. Being over secretive is one thing, sharing everything and betraying people's trust is another.

Both are equally dysfunctional.

Just curious, how did you find out? I am a PP that doesn't believe in secrets and is clear about that with my friends. Occasionally I will talk to my spouse about how to help a friend or assist (ie, a friend going through a breakup who has been sleeping around and I am worried). I will tell him if they revealed something scandalous they did in the bedroom that he might think was interesting. Random things that my friends certainly wouldn't tell him but he also would never bring up in their presence. Like part of the idea of no secrets is that my husband isn't going around blabbing my friend's business. We talk to each other but our conversations stop with each other too.

I think a better way to phrase how a lot of us feel about this isn't, 'why do you feel like you have to tell your spouse anything' and more 'do you feel comfortable intentionally keeping something secret from your spouse.' I don't tell him everything, and sometimes I might leave something out about my family that might make things tense or make someone feel uncomfortable but there is never anything that I would REFUSE to tell him. I think that is the line that a lot of us are describing.

Oh my God, you tell your husband about your friends' bedroom habits and sexual history? I think you definitely should let your friends know that you are sharing their intimate lives with him. Also seems icky that you want your husband to imagine Friend X doing kinky Y. My husband would be mad at me if I put him in a position where he had to be around my friends and pretend he doesn't know about their anal beads or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Just curious, how did you find out? I am a PP that doesn't believe in secrets and is clear about that with my friends. Occasionally I will talk to my spouse about how to help a friend or assist (ie, a friend going through a breakup who has been sleeping around and I am worried). I will tell him if they revealed something scandalous they did in the bedroom that he might think was interesting. Random things that my friends certainly wouldn't tell him but he also would never bring up in their presence. Like part of the idea of no secrets is that my husband isn't going around blabbing my friend's business. We talk to each other but our conversations stop with each other too.

I think a better way to phrase how a lot of us feel about this isn't, 'why do you feel like you have to tell your spouse anything' and more 'do you feel comfortable intentionally keeping something secret from your spouse.' I don't tell him everything, and sometimes I might leave something out about my family that might make things tense or make someone feel uncomfortable but there is never anything that I would REFUSE to tell him. I think that is the line that a lot of us are describing.

I can't believe you would tell him something they did in the bedroom SIMPLY because he would find it INTERESTING!
Holy shit.
You are the worst friend, ever. The WORST.
Even if he isn't going to blab to other friends ... YOU JUST BLABBED.
This isn't about REFUSING to tell him -- he should never ask for details that a friend confided in you -- this is about you fucking gossiping to your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Just curious, how did you find out? I am a PP that doesn't believe in secrets and is clear about that with my friends. Occasionally I will talk to my spouse about how to help a friend or assist (ie, a friend going through a breakup who has been sleeping around and I am worried). I will tell him if they revealed something scandalous they did in the bedroom that he might think was interesting. Random things that my friends certainly wouldn't tell him but he also would never bring up in their presence. Like part of the idea of no secrets is that my husband isn't going around blabbing my friend's business. We talk to each other but our conversations stop with each other too.

I think a better way to phrase how a lot of us feel about this isn't, 'why do you feel like you have to tell your spouse anything' and more 'do you feel comfortable intentionally keeping something secret from your spouse.' I don't tell him everything, and sometimes I might leave something out about my family that might make things tense or make someone feel uncomfortable but there is never anything that I would REFUSE to tell him. I think that is the line that a lot of us are describing.

I can't believe you would tell him something they did in the bedroom SIMPLY because he would find it INTERESTING!
Holy shit.
You are the worst friend, ever. The WORST.
Even if he isn't going to blab to other friends ... YOU JUST BLABBED.
This isn't about REFUSING to tell him -- he should never ask for details that a friend confided in you -- this is about you fucking gossiping to your husband.

Lol my friends are aware and fine with it. This is not a new stance I'm taking to them. And what is your husband to you? My husband is my best friend, I talk to him about everything. If my friend tried something crazy in the bedroom maybe I'm interested in trying it, maybe I want to see if he's interested. I talk to him about what's on my mind sexually I talk to him about things I'm worried about. He is my confidante in life.

I mean you clearly would not like to be friends with me but you don't know my life or my friends so please don't make assumptions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a horrible friend who I thought was keeping things confidential. Turned out she was telling him everything! That's a co-dependent woman who can't have a separate identity from their husband. Being over secretive is one thing, sharing everything and betraying people's trust is another.

Both are equally dysfunctional.

Just curious, how did you find out? I am a PP that doesn't believe in secrets and is clear about that with my friends. Occasionally I will talk to my spouse about how to help a friend or assist (ie, a friend going through a breakup who has been sleeping around and I am worried). I will tell him if they revealed something scandalous they did in the bedroom that he might think was interesting. Random things that my friends certainly wouldn't tell him but he also would never bring up in their presence. Like part of the idea of no secrets is that my husband isn't going around blabbing my friend's business. We talk to each other but our conversations stop with each other too.

I think a better way to phrase how a lot of us feel about this isn't, 'why do you feel like you have to tell your spouse anything' and more 'do you feel comfortable intentionally keeping something secret from your spouse.' I don't tell him everything, and sometimes I might leave something out about my family that might make things tense or make someone feel uncomfortable but there is never anything that I would REFUSE to tell him. I think that is the line that a lot of us are describing.

Oh my God, you tell your husband about your friends' bedroom habits and sexual history? I think you definitely should let your friends know that you are sharing their intimate lives with him. Also seems icky that you want your husband to imagine Friend X doing kinky Y. My husband would be mad at me if I put him in a position where he had to be around my friends and pretend he doesn't know about their anal beads or whatever.

My husband doesn't feel like that. Funny how different relationships can work differently.

[Anonymous]

yes I snoop. i have always snooped except once when I didn't care that much about the guy and also he was ultra paranoid about snooping so I felt very pleased with myself that I hadn't bothered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Just curious, how did you find out? I am a PP that doesn't believe in secrets and is clear about that with my friends. Occasionally I will talk to my spouse about how to help a friend or assist (ie, a friend going through a breakup who has been sleeping around and I am worried). I will tell him if they revealed something scandalous they did in the bedroom that he might think was interesting. Random things that my friends certainly wouldn't tell him but he also would never bring up in their presence. Like part of the idea of no secrets is that my husband isn't going around blabbing my friend's business. We talk to each other but our conversations stop with each other too.

I think a better way to phrase how a lot of us feel about this isn't, 'why do you feel like you have to tell your spouse anything' and more 'do you feel comfortable intentionally keeping something secret from your spouse.' I don't tell him everything, and sometimes I might leave something out about my family that might make things tense or make someone feel uncomfortable but there is never anything that I would REFUSE to tell him. I think that is the line that a lot of us are describing.

I can't believe you would tell him something they did in the bedroom SIMPLY because he would find it INTERESTING!
Holy shit.
You are the worst friend, ever. The WORST.
Even if he isn't going to blab to other friends ... YOU JUST BLABBED.
This isn't about REFUSING to tell him -- he should never ask for details that a friend confided in you -- this is about you fucking gossiping to your husband.

Lol my friends are aware and fine with it. This is not a new stance I'm taking to them. And what is your husband to you? My husband is my best friend, I talk to him about everything. If my friend tried something crazy in the bedroom maybe I'm interested in trying it, maybe I want to see if he's interested. I talk to him about what's on my mind sexually I talk to him about things I'm worried about. He is my confidante in life.

I mean you clearly would not like to be friends with me but you don't know my life or my friends so please don't make assumptions

And that is fine. My DH is my confidant also - as it pertains to ME. He knows everything about ME. But when it comes to friends and relatives, we are on a "need to know" basis with each other. A friend confiding in you and you turning around and divulging the info to your DH is NOT the same thing. You can paint that as admirable if you want but it is actually unhealthy both for your marriage and those other "friendships."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Just curious, how did you find out? I am a PP that doesn't believe in secrets and is clear about that with my friends. Occasionally I will talk to my spouse about how to help a friend or assist (ie, a friend going through a breakup who has been sleeping around and I am worried). I will tell him if they revealed something scandalous they did in the bedroom that he might think was interesting. Random things that my friends certainly wouldn't tell him but he also would never bring up in their presence. Like part of the idea of no secrets is that my husband isn't going around blabbing my friend's business. We talk to each other but our conversations stop with each other too.

I think a better way to phrase how a lot of us feel about this isn't, 'why do you feel like you have to tell your spouse anything' and more 'do you feel comfortable intentionally keeping something secret from your spouse.' I don't tell him everything, and sometimes I might leave something out about my family that might make things tense or make someone feel uncomfortable but there is never anything that I would REFUSE to tell him. I think that is the line that a lot of us are describing.

I can't believe you would tell him something they did in the bedroom SIMPLY because he would find it INTERESTING!
Holy shit.
You are the worst friend, ever. The WORST.
Even if he isn't going to blab to other friends ... YOU JUST BLABBED.
This isn't about REFUSING to tell him -- he should never ask for details that a friend confided in you -- this is about you fucking gossiping to your husband.

Lol my friends are aware and fine with it. This is not a new stance I'm taking to them. And what is your husband to you? My husband is my best friend, I talk to him about everything. If my friend tried something crazy in the bedroom maybe I'm interested in trying it, maybe I want to see if he's interested. I talk to him about what's on my mind sexually I talk to him about things I'm worried about. He is my confidante in life.

I mean you clearly would not like to be friends with me but you don't know my life or my friends so please don't make assumptions

And that is fine. My DH is my confidant also - as it pertains to ME. He knows everything about ME. But when it comes to friends and relatives, we are on a "need to know" basis with each other. A friend confiding in you and you turning around and divulging the info to your DH is NOT the same thing. You can paint that as admirable if you want but it is actually unhealthy both for your marriage and those other "friendships."

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:yes I snoop. i have always snooped except once when I didn't care that much about the guy and also he was ultra paranoid about snooping so I felt very pleased with myself that I hadn't bothered.

I don't know what the guidelines of snooping are. My spouse can see, use or look at my phone, computer, etc. It would be awful to be married to someone who felt differently. If my spouse wants to see what I do after or before work I've made it known that's perfectly ok.

I would say better to check up on a spouse randomly, especially with all the cheating stories and std's.