Found out that BIL was badly abused as a child and I don't think that my sister knows it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you ate making the mistaken assumption that not wanting to dwell on the past, talk about it, or share it openly means they haven't dealt with it. Dealing with it means, for many people, addressing the issue and moving on. Once something no longer defines you (e.g., victimhood) it isn't necessary to center your life around it. No one knows if this man has told his wife or not. There is no need for him to have told his inlaws.

+ 1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you ate making the mistaken assumption that not wanting to dwell on the past, talk about it, or share it openly means they haven't dealt with it. Dealing with it means, for many people, addressing the issue and moving on. Once something no longer defines you (e.g., victimhood) it isn't necessary to center your life around it. No one knows if this man has told his wife or not. There is no need for him to have told his inlaws.

+1

ITA. It will cause more harm than good. You sound like a troublemaker, OP.

I have a friend in this geographical area, from home (about 1000 miles away). They now (again) live close by, close enough that we cross paths fairly frequently; and we now both have young children. A mutual (nosy) friend said to me: "so, what was Larla like growing up and in high school?" I lied and said she was a straight A student, came from a great family. Not only was Larla *not* a straight A student, but her family were the neighborhood troublemakers. But perpetuating news that is (basically) 20 years old at this point serves no purpose. Get it, OP?

OP needs a hobby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP should tell sister. I know someone close to me whose spouse only revealed childhood abuse/trauma after essentially conducting separate/compartmentalized life (details of which don't matter but involved lying) which really hurt their marriage. In counseling the therapist noted that this is common for survivors of abuse *especially if they never face the trauma* which, if this guy is saying he had a great family, I suspect he has not. Anyways, I would tell my sister, not to be a busybody but to fill out her picture of the person she's married to and to protect her.

I agree, having had this same experience with people who were abused and then grew up compartmentalizing, lying/denying, and acting out in quietly hidden destructive ways. People invest a lot in constructing and nurturing myths about themselves and their families, and can seem to be fine, while underneath is this festering pocket of infection that oozes out in odd ways. It's something a partner should know about.

I don't understand why people (or a couple of busy sock puppets?) are seeing the OP as some kind of jealous, gossiping monster out to hurt her sister and BIL. Anyone who feels such deep internal shame over what others did to children, so deep they feel they have to hide it even from their partner or shut anyone down who speaks about the subject, needs a heck of a lot more therapy. If OP is close to her sister, and knows her well enough to believe she'll handle the situation with empathy and care, then why not present what the neighbor said, not as gospel, but as something you'd want to hear about if people were saying it about you or your loved ones.

Many people have told me about their abusive childhoods. It's so much more common than you think, and being such a common experience, it can be a good thing to see others who've survived and are doing better as adults, as well as feel the support and comfort of the loved ones we choose to have in our lives as adults. Living in denial or a kind of closet never was the most healthy way to live.

You're assuming that this person hasn't shared his experiences. The point is that he doesn't need his SIL to do it for him. As independent as so many DCUM posters appear to be, it's amazing that anyone is defending someone sharing personal information on behalf of someone else. He should be able to share what he chooses to share. Not his SIL's business, unless he's being an abusive husband and/or dad.

What if his parents are at risk of abusing the children but her sister has no idea so she leaves the kids alone with them? What if OP says nothing and the kids are hurt? OP should tell her sister.

[Anonymous]

17:43 - I am torn on this - it is not necessarily the way to go about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP should tell sister. I know someone close to me whose spouse only revealed childhood abuse/trauma after essentially conducting separate/compartmentalized life (details of which don't matter but involved lying) which really hurt their marriage. In counseling the therapist noted that this is common for survivors of abuse *especially if they never face the trauma* which, if this guy is saying he had a great family, I suspect he has not. Anyways, I would tell my sister, not to be a busybody but to fill out her picture of the person she's married to and to protect her.

+1. My Dh is from an emotionally abusive family. He doesn't talk about it but it manifests in all sorts of subtle ways. If I didn't know that, I would think it was my fault. She may not know what her sister is dealing with, behind closed doors, and this may help her sister put it in context. My siblings have no idea what I deal with.

It is precisely these notions that keep people from sharing their past even after they have gone to therapy and worked through the pain. People see them as damaged goods and every issue gets tied back to their childhood whether it dies or not. No one, I repeat, no one in a relationship has an absolute right to know anything about another individual that they do not wish to share--whether it is childhood grief, sexual history, etc. There are plenty of damaged people who had great childhoods who don't have the stigma attached to their lives of being a victim. Those who survive abusive childhoods, work through their pain and come out on the other side are often, if not usually, in better mental health than those from supposed healthy environments who never look into their motivations and actions. The problem, as we see here on this thread, is that people want to attach broad generalities to survivors and they are never seen as whole or undamaged.

+1

The plus one seems insufficient so I will add AMEN!!!

I'm that poster. My husband has not been to therapy, not worked through his issues and is not emotionally healthy. I deal with a lot and it is helpful for me to remember that he did not have a healthy family upbringing, and it's not all his fault or my fault. It's not a stigma-it's just additional information. If the BIL is really in a good place, then I'm sure the sister will brush it off. But if the sister is dealing with a lot of repressed and badly managed anger...it may help her to know where it comes from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP should tell sister. I know someone close to me whose spouse only revealed childhood abuse/trauma after essentially conducting separate/compartmentalized life (details of which don't matter but involved lying) which really hurt their marriage. In counseling the therapist noted that this is common for survivors of abuse *especially if they never face the trauma* which, if this guy is saying he had a great family, I suspect he has not. Anyways, I would tell my sister, not to be a busybody but to fill out her picture of the person she's married to and to protect her.

+1. My Dh is from an emotionally abusive family. He doesn't talk about it but it manifests in all sorts of subtle ways. If I didn't know that, I would think it was my fault. She may not know what her sister is dealing with, behind closed doors, and this may help her sister put it in context. My siblings have no idea what I deal with.

It is precisely these notions that keep people from sharing their past even after they have gone to therapy and worked through the pain. People see them as damaged goods and every issue gets tied back to their childhood whether it dies or not. No one, I repeat, no one in a relationship has an absolute right to know anything about another individual that they do not wish to share--whether it is childhood grief, sexual history, etc. There are plenty of damaged people who had great childhoods who don't have the stigma attached to their lives of being a victim. Those who survive abusive childhoods, work through their pain and come out on the other side are often, if not usually, in better mental health than those from supposed healthy environments who never look into their motivations and actions. The problem, as we see here on this thread, is that people want to attach broad generalities to survivors and they are never seen as whole or undamaged.

+1

The plus one seems insufficient so I will add AMEN!!!

I'm that poster. My husband has not been to therapy, not worked through his issues and is not emotionally healthy. I deal with a lot and it is helpful for me to remember that he did not have a healthy family upbringing, and it's not all his fault or my fault. It's not a stigma-it's just additional information. If the BIL is really in a good place, then I'm sure the sister will brush it off. But if the sister is dealing with a lot of repressed and badly managed anger...it may help her to know where it comes from.

Or it may end her marriage. That's what OP clearly wants.

[Anonymous]

If you heard that BIL had been raped and reported to your sister this information, would taht be different?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a survivor of abuse, I think it was really a betrayal of trust for that old neighbor to tell you, and it would be a further betrayal for you to tell your sister.

It sounds like he's moved on and made a good life for himself. It's up to him whether he feels he needs further support at this stage in life. He doesn't owe his wife, or you, an explanation for what his father did - he's not the one who did anything wrong. This entire approach just reinforces that it is the victim who is held to account.

+1

I have worked with abuse victims in the various court systems (various populations), and no way in hell should you be blabbing other people's business like this, particularly by a third party. You have no idea if that gossiper has a vivid imagination and/or an axe to grind and/or any irrational competitiveness/ulterior motive with your BIL, OP. Especially in this geographical area - people are straight out immature and nuts, at best, with something like this. You need to grow up and scrutinize what you hear. Even if it is true, it is not your place to say anything - think of it as being professional and upstanding.

In other words, you will gain more favors from your BIL and sister for shutting it, than for blabbing something that may or may not be accurate, if true at all. Who knows? Maybe the two sets of parents were at odds, for all you know. Wise up. Think of it as karma, if you have to, but learn to be more street smart.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP should tell sister. I know someone close to me whose spouse only revealed childhood abuse/trauma after essentially conducting separate/compartmentalized life (details of which don't matter but involved lying) which really hurt their marriage. In counseling the therapist noted that this is common for survivors of abuse *especially if they never face the trauma* which, if this guy is saying he had a great family, I suspect he has not. Anyways, I would tell my sister, not to be a busybody but to fill out her picture of the person she's married to and to protect her.

+1. My Dh is from an emotionally abusive family. He doesn't talk about it but it manifests in all sorts of subtle ways. If I didn't know that, I would think it was my fault. She may not know what her sister is dealing with, behind closed doors, and this may help her sister put it in context. My siblings have no idea what I deal with.

It is precisely these notions that keep people from sharing their past even after they have gone to therapy and worked through the pain. People see them as damaged goods and every issue gets tied back to their childhood whether it dies or not. No one, I repeat, no one in a relationship has an absolute right to know anything about another individual that they do not wish to share--whether it is childhood grief, sexual history, etc. There are plenty of damaged people who had great childhoods who don't have the stigma attached to their lives of being a victim. Those who survive abusive childhoods, work through their pain and come out on the other side are often, if not usually, in better mental health than those from supposed healthy environments who never look into their motivations and actions. The problem, as we see here on this thread, is that people want to attach broad generalities to survivors and they are never seen as whole or undamaged.

+1

The plus one seems insufficient so I will add AMEN!!!

I'm that poster. My husband has not been to therapy, not worked through his issues and is not emotionally healthy. I deal with a lot and it is helpful for me to remember that he did not have a healthy family upbringing, and it's not all his fault or my fault. It's not a stigma-it's just additional information. If the BIL is really in a good place, then I'm sure the sister will brush it off. But if the sister is dealing with a lot of repressed and badly managed anger...it may help her to know where it comes from.

I am sorry for your pain, but she information is this man's to share and his alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:43 - I am torn on this - it is not necessarily the way to go about this.

Silence is what keeps abuse happening in families.

[Anonymous]

For those of you that are saying that the sister should know so that they do not leave their children with the in-laws, The original post said that the sister says her DH *had* great parents. So I assume they are dead.

I think it is not the OP's place to say anything, but since it sounds like she is going to, I wish that she would talk to her BIL first.

[Anonymous]

If the sister says her husband told her that his parents had been great, it doesn't lead you to think he's dealt with things in an integrated way, but has compartmentalized and lives in denial with his wife, with whom he should feel most able to share his history. You can say your childhood was rough and that your parents were too hard on you to the point of being abusive, without going into gory detail and reliving it. To gloss over it with a lie is unhealthy, because you should be able to share basic aspects of your history with your spouse, so they can better understand and support you. And when you can stop hiding things you can let go of the shame and stigma you feel. We should feel guilt for wrongs we have done, but we should not feel shame, and certainly not for things that were done to us. That's recovery 101.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the sister says her husband told her that his parents had been great, it doesn't lead you to think he's dealt with things in an integrated way, but has compartmentalized and lives in denial with his wife, with whom he should feel most able to share his history. You can say your childhood was rough and that your parents were too hard on you to the point of being abusive, without going into gory detail and reliving it. To gloss over it with a lie is unhealthy, because you should be able to share basic aspects of your history with your spouse, so they can better understand and support you. And when you can stop hiding things you can let go of the shame and stigma you feel. We should feel guilt for wrongs we have done, but we should not feel shame, and certainly not for things that were done to us. That's recovery 101.

+1. I come from a pretty screwed up family and have done a ton of therapy to deal with it, and I don't broadcast my history but I also don't hide it. At best I might say that my parents did the best they could, but I would not tell anyone that they were great parents to me growing up because it is not true. The people I know who want to hide and bury things are the people who have not dealt with, and do not want to deal with, their past and how it has impacted their lives.

I don't see how OP could NOT tell her sister especially if the sister and BIL have kids. How could she live with herself if her silence puts those kids at risk, from BIL or his parents? How is she going to answer her sister when the sister finds out she knew - and if the neighbor is this chatty, it is conceivable that the neighbor has told others and word will get back to OP's sister through another route.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the sister says her husband told her that his parents had been great, it doesn't lead you to think he's dealt with things in an integrated way, but has compartmentalized and lives in denial with his wife, with whom he should feel most able to share his history. You can say your childhood was rough and that your parents were too hard on you to the point of being abusive, without going into gory detail and reliving it. To gloss over it with a lie is unhealthy, because you should be able to share basic aspects of your history with your spouse, so they can better understand and support you. And when you can stop hiding things you can let go of the shame and stigma you feel. We should feel guilt for wrongs we have done, but we should not feel shame, and certainly not for things that were done to us. That's recovery 101.

+1. I come from a pretty screwed up family and have done a ton of therapy to deal with it, and I don't broadcast my history but I also don't hide it. At best I might say that my parents did the best they could, but I would not tell anyone that they were great parents to me growing up because it is not true. The people I know who want to hide and bury things are the people who have not dealt with, and do not want to deal with, their past and how it has impacted their lives.

I don't see how OP could NOT tell her sister especially if the sister and BIL have kids. How could she live with herself if her silence puts those kids at risk, from BIL or his parents? How is she going to answer her sister when the sister finds out she knew - and if the neighbor is this chatty, it is conceivable that the neighbor has told others and word will get back to OP's sister through another route.

please stop perpetuating the myth that the abused grow up to be abusers. The percentage is very small and us another reason people font feel free to share their history as they become damaged who have to be watched.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the sister says her husband told her that his parents had been great, it doesn't lead you to think he's dealt with things in an integrated way, but has compartmentalized and lives in denial with his wife, with whom he should feel most able to share his history. You can say your childhood was rough and that your parents were too hard on you to the point of being abusive, without going into gory detail and reliving it. To gloss over it with a lie is unhealthy, because you should be able to share basic aspects of your history with your spouse, so they can better understand and support you. And when you can stop hiding things you can let go of the shame and stigma you feel. We should feel guilt for wrongs we have done, but we should not feel shame, and certainly not for things that were done to us. That's recovery 101.

There is nothing wrong with limiting who you tell. My closest friends know of my past, my spouse knows of my past, my in laws do not, my neighbors do not, my coworkers do not, my acquaintances do not. My therapist says I am one of the most emotionally healthy people she has met and I am not just a survivor I am a thriver. People are rarely satisfied with a "I had a difficult childhood" statement without pressing further for details that are none of their business. As shown above, too many people make negative assumptions about survivors and perpetuate stereotypes. I choose to not be victimized by my past or by busybodies who want a gruesome tale. People are making a lot of assumptions here with few to no facts--this keeps is the type of stigma abuse survivors face whenever they choose to tell their story. Bring selective in who you talk to in no way means you haven't dealt with it and moved on.