Found out that BIL was badly abused as a child and I don't think that my sister knows it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP should tell sister. I know someone close to me whose spouse only revealed childhood abuse/trauma after essentially conducting separate/compartmentalized life (details of which don't matter but involved lying) which really hurt their marriage. In counseling the therapist noted that this is common for survivors of abuse *especially if they never face the trauma* which, if this guy is saying he had a great family, I suspect he has not. Anyways, I would tell my sister, not to be a busybody but to fill out her picture of the person she's married to and to protect her.

I agree, having had this same experience with people who were abused and then grew up compartmentalizing, lying/denying, and acting out in quietly hidden destructive ways. People invest a lot in constructing and nurturing myths about themselves and their families, and can seem to be fine, while underneath is this festering pocket of infection that oozes out in odd ways. It's something a partner should know about.

I don't understand why people (or a couple of busy sock puppets?) are seeing the OP as some kind of jealous, gossiping monster out to hurt her sister and BIL. Anyone who feels such deep internal shame over what others did to children, so deep they feel they have to hide it even from their partner or shut anyone down who speaks about the subject, needs a heck of a lot more therapy. If OP is close to her sister, and knows her well enough to believe she'll handle the situation with empathy and care, then why not present what the neighbor said, not as gospel, but as something you'd want to hear about if people were saying it about you or your loved ones.

Many people have told me about their abusive childhoods. It's so much more common than you think, and being such a common experience, it can be a good thing to see others who've survived and are doing better as adults, as well as feel the support and comfort of the loved ones we choose to have in our lives as adults. Living in denial or a kind of closet never was the most healthy way to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The information, accurate or not, is being shared with the victim's in-laws (his sister-in-law). If OP is as close to her sister as she says she is, the sister will want to know if this information is being circulated. Tell your sister, OP.

Why do you think your position trumps that of those who have lived through abuse?

Why do you feel you represent all those who have lived through it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with OP especially if they have kids. I would want to know if my inlaws were abusers so I would not trust them with my kids. You are all protecting the abusers.

I guarantee you, if there's a shred of truth to op's story, BIL isn't leaving his children near his parents for a single second. Don't be such a dumbass.

Would you be fine NOT KNOWING that your ILs were abusers? When your husband and sister knew but didn't tell you?

I don't think so. Don't trust anyone's judgement above your own.

OP has to make sure her sister knows and talks to BIL about it. Those (allegedly) abusive parents of BIL will be or are grandparents. OP's sister has a right to ask about it and to set appropriate boundaries around the grandparent/grandchild relationship it is true.

I am sorry that people with abusive backgrounds are angry about the gossip, but it has to be raised for the sake of the kids.

Respectfully, if the topic is that upsetting to you that you feel the need to attack OP, you need to talk to a therapist and deal with your issues from your abusive childhood. If your parents were beating you or neglecting you or using drugs and alcohol, people knew about it and they remember it. They have gossiped about it. That's nothing to do with you and not a reflection on you. It is a reflection on your parent(s). If you are super angry about OP's question, you need to stop taking responsibility for other people's bad behavior.

OP, that is one of the answers you are looking for. When you talk to your sister, BIL might be angry at you or embarrassed. He shouldn't be, because he was the victim, not the abuser, but he might take responsibility for something that wasn't his fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP should tell sister. I know someone close to me whose spouse only revealed childhood abuse/trauma after essentially conducting separate/compartmentalized life (details of which don't matter but involved lying) which really hurt their marriage. In counseling the therapist noted that this is common for survivors of abuse *especially if they never face the trauma* which, if this guy is saying he had a great family, I suspect he has not. Anyways, I would tell my sister, not to be a busybody but to fill out her picture of the person she's married to and to protect her.

+1. My Dh is from an emotionally abusive family. He doesn't talk about it but it manifests in all sorts of subtle ways. If I didn't know that, I would think it was my fault. She may not know what her sister is dealing with, behind closed doors, and this may help her sister put it in context. My siblings have no idea what I deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The information, accurate or not, is being shared with the victim's in-laws (his sister-in-law). If OP is as close to her sister as she says she is, the sister will want to know if this information is being circulated. Tell your sister, OP.

Why do you think your position trumps that of those who have lived through abuse?

Why do you feel you represent all those who have lived through it?

Hmm., there see to be a number of those who lived through who have the same opinion.

[Anonymous]

My neighbors growing up were also abused by their father. Child services was called at one point and the kids denied it. I am still in touch with one of the brothers and his wife has no clue. I think it's really unfair to her that he did not tell her about such a significant aspect of his life. But it's none of my business and I would never say anything. If his wife were my sister I probably would though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP should tell sister. I know someone close to me whose spouse only revealed childhood abuse/trauma after essentially conducting separate/compartmentalized life (details of which don't matter but involved lying) which really hurt their marriage. In counseling the therapist noted that this is common for survivors of abuse *especially if they never face the trauma* which, if this guy is saying he had a great family, I suspect he has not. Anyways, I would tell my sister, not to be a busybody but to fill out her picture of the person she's married to and to protect her.

+1. My Dh is from an emotionally abusive family. He doesn't talk about it but it manifests in all sorts of subtle ways. If I didn't know that, I would think it was my fault. She may not know what her sister is dealing with, behind closed doors, and this may help her sister put it in context. My siblings have no idea what I deal with.

It is precisely these notions that keep people from sharing their past even after they have gone to therapy and worked through the pain. People see them as damaged goods and every issue gets tied back to their childhood whether it dies or not. No one, I repeat, no one in a relationship has an absolute right to know anything about another individual that they do not wish to share--whether it is childhood grief, sexual history, etc. There are plenty of damaged people who had great childhoods who don't have the stigma attached to their lives of being a victim. Those who survive abusive childhoods, work through their pain and come out on the other side are often, if not usually, in better mental health than those from supposed healthy environments who never look into their motivations and actions. The problem, as we see here on this thread, is that people want to attach broad generalities to survivors and they are never seen as whole or undamaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP should tell sister. I know someone close to me whose spouse only revealed childhood abuse/trauma after essentially conducting separate/compartmentalized life (details of which don't matter but involved lying) which really hurt their marriage. In counseling the therapist noted that this is common for survivors of abuse *especially if they never face the trauma* which, if this guy is saying he had a great family, I suspect he has not. Anyways, I would tell my sister, not to be a busybody but to fill out her picture of the person she's married to and to protect her.

+1. My Dh is from an emotionally abusive family. He doesn't talk about it but it manifests in all sorts of subtle ways. If I didn't know that, I would think it was my fault. She may not know what her sister is dealing with, behind closed doors, and this may help her sister put it in context. My siblings have no idea what I deal with.

maybe these "issues" have nothing to do with his childhood at all but you want to tie the two together...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP should tell sister. I know someone close to me whose spouse only revealed childhood abuse/trauma after essentially conducting separate/compartmentalized life (details of which don't matter but involved lying) which really hurt their marriage. In counseling the therapist noted that this is common for survivors of abuse *especially if they never face the trauma* which, if this guy is saying he had a great family, I suspect he has not. Anyways, I would tell my sister, not to be a busybody but to fill out her picture of the person she's married to and to protect her.

+1. My Dh is from an emotionally abusive family. He doesn't talk about it but it manifests in all sorts of subtle ways. If I didn't know that, I would think it was my fault. She may not know what her sister is dealing with, behind closed doors, and this may help her sister put it in context. My siblings have no idea what I deal with.

It is precisely these notions that keep people from sharing their past even after they have gone to therapy and worked through the pain. People see them as damaged goods and every issue gets tied back to their childhood whether it dies or not. No one, I repeat, no one in a relationship has an absolute right to know anything about another individual that they do not wish to share--whether it is childhood grief, sexual history, etc. There are plenty of damaged people who had great childhoods who don't have the stigma attached to their lives of being a victim. Those who survive abusive childhoods, work through their pain and come out on the other side are often, if not usually, in better mental health than those from supposed healthy environments who never look into their motivations and actions. The problem, as we see here on this thread, is that people want to attach broad generalities to survivors and they are never seen as whole or undamaged.

+1

The plus one seems insufficient so I will add AMEN!!!

[Anonymous]

Some of you ate making the mistaken assumption that not wanting to dwell on the past, talk about it, or share it openly means they haven't dealt with it. Dealing with it means, for many people, addressing the issue and moving on. Once something no longer defines you (e.g., victimhood) it isn't necessary to center your life around it. No one knows if this man has told his wife or not. There is no need for him to have told his inlaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, as I said, I will tell her.
Sister is not the type to go running up to him and blasting it out. She might slowing approach it, or bring up other things about the FIL first.
She's not dumb.
Anyway, different strokes, I am happy that I have a sister that I can talk to.

What exactly do you hope to accomplish, ms yenta? Your bil might not care to ever see you again, and you'll force your sister to choose between you and her husband. You probably hate him already, so you're making up your whole sorry-ass story. Sibling rivalry. Grow up. How old are you anyway? Someone already asked you that.

Oh, I need to tell a few very close friends, I heard you were raped a while back, but didn't report it to the police. Certain people have a right to know.

Someone needs therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with OP especially if they have kids. I would want to know if my inlaws were abusers so I would not trust them with my kids. You are all protecting the abusers.

I guarantee you, if there's a shred of truth to op's story, BIL isn't leaving his children near his parents for a single second. Don't be such a dumbass.

It happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, as I said, I will tell her.
Sister is not the type to go running up to him and blasting it out. She might slowing approach it, or bring up other things about the FIL first.
She's not dumb.
Anyway, different strokes, I am happy that I have a sister that I can talk to.

What exactly do you hope to accomplish, ms yenta? Your bil might not care to ever see you again, and you'll force your sister to choose between you and her husband. You probably hate him already, so you're making up your whole sorry-ass story. Sibling rivalry. Grow up. How old are you anyway? Someone already asked you that.

Oh, I need to tell a few very close friends, I heard you were raped a while back, but didn't report it to the police. Certain people have a right to know.

Someone needs therapy.

Yes, op does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a survivor of abuse, I think it was really a betrayal of trust for that old neighbor to tell you, and it would be a further betrayal for you to tell your sister.

It sounds like he's moved on and made a good life for himself. It's up to him whether he feels he needs further support at this stage in life. He doesn't owe his wife, or you, an explanation for what his father did - he's not the one who did anything wrong. This entire approach just reinforces that it is the victim who is held to account.

+1

I have worked with abuse victims in the various court systems (various populations), and no way in hell should you be blabbing other people's business like this, particularly by a third party. You have no idea if that gossiper has a vivid imagination and/or an axe to grind and/or any irrational competitiveness/ulterior motive with your BIL, OP. Especially in this geographical area - people are straight out immature and nuts, at best, with something like this. You need to grow up and scrutinize what you hear. Even if it is true, it is not your place to say anything - think of it as being professional and upstanding.

In other words, you will gain more favors from your BIL and sister for shutting it, than for blabbing something that may or may not be accurate, if true at all. Who knows? Maybe the two sets of parents were at odds, for all you know. Wise up. Think of it as karma, if you have to, but learn to be more street smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP should tell sister. I know someone close to me whose spouse only revealed childhood abuse/trauma after essentially conducting separate/compartmentalized life (details of which don't matter but involved lying) which really hurt their marriage. In counseling the therapist noted that this is common for survivors of abuse *especially if they never face the trauma* which, if this guy is saying he had a great family, I suspect he has not. Anyways, I would tell my sister, not to be a busybody but to fill out her picture of the person she's married to and to protect her.

I agree, having had this same experience with people who were abused and then grew up compartmentalizing, lying/denying, and acting out in quietly hidden destructive ways. People invest a lot in constructing and nurturing myths about themselves and their families, and can seem to be fine, while underneath is this festering pocket of infection that oozes out in odd ways. It's something a partner should know about.

I don't understand why people (or a couple of busy sock puppets?) are seeing the OP as some kind of jealous, gossiping monster out to hurt her sister and BIL. Anyone who feels such deep internal shame over what others did to children, so deep they feel they have to hide it even from their partner or shut anyone down who speaks about the subject, needs a heck of a lot more therapy. If OP is close to her sister, and knows her well enough to believe she'll handle the situation with empathy and care, then why not present what the neighbor said, not as gospel, but as something you'd want to hear about if people were saying it about you or your loved ones.

Many people have told me about their abusive childhoods. It's so much more common than you think, and being such a common experience, it can be a good thing to see others who've survived and are doing better as adults, as well as feel the support and comfort of the loved ones we choose to have in our lives as adults. Living in denial or a kind of closet never was the most healthy way to live.

You're assuming that this person hasn't shared his experiences. The point is that he doesn't need his SIL to do it for him. As independent as so many DCUM posters appear to be, it's amazing that anyone is defending someone sharing personal information on behalf of someone else. He should be able to share what he chooses to share. Not his SIL's business, unless he's being an abusive husband and/or dad.