Found out that BIL was badly abused as a child and I don't think that my sister knows it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you close enough to your BIL to talk to him about it first? Or at the very least feel out what his relationship is like with that person who revealed the abuse to you?

Good question. That mysterious "someone" might have made up the tale, for all we know. Who is she, OP?? And how well do you know her? Maybe she's a revengeful ex-girlfriend of his, but isn't telling you that part.

Would you want your sister-in-law or brother-in-law to bring up something from your past that he or she had heard from a gossipy neighbor or acquaintance from school? Really???

[Anonymous]

I would mention it to my sister. But OP, your sister probably knows already.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like a bitch of a sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like a bitch of a sister.

That thought occurred to me as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, the purpose is simply for information. I come from a culture where people talk, and support each other, and aren't afraid of family and so on. There is no way that I would not tell her. I have never kept anything form her, and now is not the time to start.
That woman did not betray anyone, she just said it as it was. If they wanted no one else to know they were beating their kids, they should have lived in some mountain cabin. Tough --- for his father, the cat is out of the bag.

Sure, the abusive parents let everyone know it. But being abused is humiliating, and outing someone to their SO is unconscionable. Stay out of it. It's not impacting anyone's safety, so there is no reason to disclose except to stir the pot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, the purpose is simply for information. I come from a culture where people talk, and support each other, and aren't afraid of family and so on. There is no way that I would not tell her. I have never kept anything form her, and now is not the time to start.
That woman did not betray anyone, she just said it as it was. If they wanted no one else to know they were beating their kids, they should have lived in some mountain cabin. Tough --- for his father, the cat is out of the bag.

Sure, the abusive parents let everyone know it. But being abused is humiliating, and outing someone to their SO is unconscionable. Stay out of it. It's not impacting anyone's safety, so there is no reason to disclose except to stir the pot.

OP sounds like she enjoys stirring the pot and doesn't care about others' feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would mention it to my sister. But OP, your sister probably knows already.

+1 If you two are as close as you say you are, your sister might feel relieved to finally be able to discuss it with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, the purpose is simply for information. I come from a culture where people talk, and support each other, and aren't afraid of family and so on. There is no way that I would not tell her. I have never kept anything form her, and now is not the time to start.
That woman did not betray anyone, she just said it as it was. If they wanted no one else to know they were beating their kids, they should have lived in some mountain cabin. Tough --- for his father, the cat is out of the bag.

The cat is out of the bag? You obviously have an ax to grind. You might as well come clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like a bitch of a sister.

That thought occurred to me as well.

This.


OP how old are you? In your twenties? You sound young and naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a survivor of abuse, I think it was really a betrayal of trust for that old neighbor to tell you, and it would be a further betrayal for you to tell your sister.

It sounds like he's moved on and made a good life for himself. It's up to him whether he feels he needs further support at this stage in life. He doesn't owe his wife, or you, an explanation for what his father did - he's not the one who did anything wrong. This entire approach just reinforces that it is the victim who is held to account.

+1 OP, there's sound advice here.

Another abuse survivor. Myob. It isn't your story to tell. It is your bil's history to deal with and reveal as he deems fit or necessary. The neighbor was wrong in gossiping and you are wrong if you pass this information on.

[Anonymous]

I don't see the value of saying anything unless he has exhibited signs of continuing the pattern. you may dredge up old wounds for him and actually cause a problem. it used to be more acceptable to spank your kids, the fact that the neighbors knew it was beyond that standard suggests it truly was terrible. What possible good could come of you bringing this to light? He is not responsible for the horrible way he was treated as a child. do you think he is abusing the children? I don't get it. Maybe his father was a terrible alcoholic at the time and went through treatment, etc. I just don't see why this story is relevant, and want you hope to accomplish by pushing it front and center.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, the purpose is simply for information. I come from a culture where people talk, and support each other, and aren't afraid of family and so on. There is no way that I would not tell her. I have never kept anything form her, and now is not the time to start.
That woman did not betray anyone, she just said it as it was. If they wanted no one else to know they were beating their kids, they should have lived in some mountain cabin. Tough --- for his father, the cat is out of the bag.

The cat is out of the bag? You obviously have an ax to grind. You might as well come clean.

You sound like a royal bitch. This is not about your bil's parents and what they did or didn't do or what they want or don't want people to know. This is about a painful part of your bil's childhood. It is his story to share or not to share. How the hell insensitive are you?

[Anonymous]

I think OP should tell sister. I know someone close to me whose spouse only revealed childhood abuse/trauma after essentially conducting separate/compartmentalized life (details of which don't matter but involved lying) which really hurt their marriage. In counseling the therapist noted that this is common for survivors of abuse *especially if they never face the trauma* which, if this guy is saying he had a great family, I suspect he has not. Anyways, I would tell my sister, not to be a busybody but to fill out her picture of the person she's married to and to protect her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you close enough to your BIL to talk to him about it first? Or at the very least feel out what his relationship is like with that person who revealed the abuse to you?

Good question. That mysterious "someone" might have made up the tale, for all we know. Who is she, OP?? And how well do you know her? Maybe she's a revengeful ex-girlfriend of his, but isn't telling you that part.

Would you want your sister-in-law or brother-in-law to bring up something from your past that he or she had heard from a gossipy neighbor or acquaintance from school? Really???

This. What is your purpose besides dredging up old wounds? Do you want to one up your sister with a game if I know something you don't know, cause a rift in their marriage if he has put it behind him and chosen not to share or simply open old wounds in your bil? This is none of your business. Furthermore, it doesn't matter if it is your culture to share everything if it is not your brother-in-law's culture to share then shut the fuck up. This is none of your business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP should tell sister. I know someone close to me whose spouse only revealed childhood abuse/trauma after essentially conducting separate/compartmentalized life (details of which don't matter but involved lying) which really hurt their marriage. In counseling the therapist noted that this is common for survivors of abuse *especially if they never face the trauma* which, if this guy is saying he had a great family, I suspect he has not. Anyways, I would tell my sister, not to be a busybody but to fill out her picture of the person she's married to and to protect her.

. Abuse survivor here. You cannot extrapolate one individual's experience to someone else's life. Some of us actually spend years in therapy to deal with past trauma and do not carry our childhoods--for which we carry no responsibility--into destructive patterns in our adult life. Everyone is entitled to their privacy and no one had the right to decide what someone else has to reveal or share. Btw--suffering abuse in one area of your life does not mean that another part of your life want great. That alone die my mean the bil has not dealt with what may or may not be true about his childhood.