Reply to Found out that BIL was badly abused as a child and I don't think that my sister knows it

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Reply to "Found out that BIL was badly abused as a child and I don't think that my sister knows it"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think OP should tell sister. I know someone close to me whose spouse only revealed childhood abuse/trauma after essentially conducting separate/compartmentalized life (details of which don't matter but involved lying) which really hurt their marriage. In counseling the therapist noted that this is common for survivors of abuse *especially if they never face the trauma* which, if this guy is saying he had a great family, I suspect he has not. Anyways, I would tell my sister, not to be a busybody but to fill out her picture of the person she's married to and to protect her.[/quote]

+1.  My Dh is from an emotionally abusive family.  He doesn't talk about it but it manifests in all sorts of subtle ways.  If I didn't know that, I would think it was my fault.  She may not know what her sister is dealing with, behind closed doors, and this may help her sister put it in context.  My siblings have no idea what I deal with.[/quote]It is precisely these notions that keep people from sharing their past even after they have gone to therapy and worked through the pain. People see them as damaged goods and every issue gets tied back to their childhood whether it dies or not. No one, I repeat, no one in a relationship has an absolute right to know anything about another individual that they do not wish to share--whether it is childhood grief, sexual history, etc. There are plenty of damaged people who had great childhoods who don't have the stigma attached to their lives of being a victim. Those who survive abusive childhoods, work through their pain and come out on the other side are often, if not usually, in better mental health than those from supposed healthy environments who never look into their motivations and actions. The problem, as we see here on this thread, is that people want to attach broad generalities to survivors and they are never seen as whole or undamaged.[/quote]

The plus one seems insufficient so I will add AMEN!!![/quote]

I'm that poster.  My husband has not been to therapy, not worked through his issues and is not emotionally healthy.  I deal with a lot and it is helpful for me to remember that he did not have a healthy family upbringing, and it's not all his fault or my fault.  It's not a stigma-it's just additional information.  If the BIL is really in a good place, then I'm sure the sister will brush it off.  But if the sister is dealing with a lot of repressed and badly managed anger...it may help her to know where it comes from.[/quote]  I am sorry for your pain, but she information is this man's to share and his alone. [/quote]

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