Found out that BIL was badly abused as a child and I don't think that my sister knows it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your sister already knows and hasn't told you because it's none of your business.

This exactly.
It really bothered me how OP said she wanted to share to gather information.
For what? So she can talk about BIL's past with other family members?
My husband went through some horrible and traumatic stuff in his past. I don't discuss this with my sisters or any of my family because it truly is none of their business.
He has dealt with it in a way we're both comfortable with that's all that matters.
My sisters don't know about any of this and they won't unless my husband chooses to share it with him.
My sisters and I are super close Out husbands joke you marry one you marry them all.
But part of the reason we're close as adults as that we respect each others relationship with their husband and know that certain things are private just between them that the rest of the family isn't entitled to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the sister says her husband told her that his parents had been great, it doesn't lead you to think he's dealt with things in an integrated way, but has compartmentalized and lives in denial with his wife, with whom he should feel most able to share his history. You can say your childhood was rough and that your parents were too hard on you to the point of being abusive, without going into gory detail and reliving it. To gloss over it with a lie is unhealthy, because you should be able to share basic aspects of your history with your spouse, so they can better understand and support you. And when you can stop hiding things you can let go of the shame and stigma you feel. We should feel guilt for wrongs we have done, but we should not feel shame, and certainly not for things that were done to us. That's recovery 101.

There is nothing wrong with limiting who you tell. My closest friends know of my past, my spouse knows of my past, my in laws do not, my neighbors do not, my coworkers do not, my acquaintances do not. My therapist says I am one of the most emotionally healthy people she has met and I am not just a survivor I am a thriver. People are rarely satisfied with a "I had a difficult childhood" statement without pressing further for details that are none of their business. As shown above, too many people make negative assumptions about survivors and perpetuate stereotypes. I choose to not be victimized by my past or by busybodies who want a gruesome tale. People are making a lot of assumptions here with few to no facts--this keeps is the type of stigma abuse survivors face whenever they choose to tell their story. Bring selective in who you talk to in no way means you haven't dealt with it and moved on.

Agreed again.

I've said something similar to my sisters/parents about my husband's family and younger years
I know they were not, but it's not an of their business to know otherwise.
Assuming the sister doesn't know because of what she said to OP is foolish.
BIL is under no obligation to tell every person he meets every detail of his childhood,
Not even his wife.
OP"s sister has nor obligation or no right to share what she and her husband talk about with OP.
Why OP thinks she is owed this information is beyond me, and I wonder if she's married or ever been in a serious relationship herself.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Told her. She asked a lot of questions, and cried a little. She did not know the extent of it, but knew that her FIL was demanding.

She said that she never liked her FIL one bit. She said that she had seen slight glimpses of his temper and at times she actually tried to provoke him to see if he would boil over.

She knows about the woman who told me. Her DH saw her as an aunt who always had something nice to say to them. That woman is only about 11 years older than her DH.

She did not tell me what she is going to do, but I get the impression that her main focus is the "bastard" of a FIL.
BTW, she was not angry at me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Told her. She asked a lot of questions, and cried a little. She did not know the extent of it, but knew that her FIL was demanding.

She said that she never liked her FIL one bit. She said that she had seen slight glimpses of his temper and at times she actually tried to provoke him to see if he would boil over.

She knows about the woman who told me. Her DH saw her as an aunt who always had something nice to say to them. That woman is only about 11 years older than her DH.

She did not tell me what she is going to do, but I get the impression that her main focus is the "bastard" of a FIL.
BTW, she was not angry at me.

b Little pot stirrer. You disgust me.

[Anonymous]

From here on out, keep your frickin' mouth shut. No one else needs to know your bil's private matters. Stop with the gossiping.

[Anonymous]

You did the right thing, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From here on out, keep your frickin' mouth shut. No one else needs to know your bil's private matters. Stop with the gossiping.

You sound like an abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Told her. She asked a lot of questions, and cried a little. She did not know the extent of it, but knew that her FIL was demanding.

She said that she never liked her FIL one bit. She said that she had seen slight glimpses of his temper and at times she actually tried to provoke him to see if he would boil over.

She knows about the woman who told me. Her DH saw her as an aunt who always had something nice to say to them. That woman is only about 11 years older than her DH.

She did not tell me what she is going to do, but I get the impression that her main focus is the "bastard" of a FIL.
BTW, she was not angry at me.

b Little pot stirrer. You disgust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Told her. She asked a lot of questions, and cried a little. She did not know the extent of it, but knew that her FIL was demanding.

She said that she never liked her FIL one bit. She said that she had seen slight glimpses of his temper and at times she actually tried to provoke him to see if he would boil over.

She knows about the woman who told me. Her DH saw her as an aunt who always had something nice to say to them. That woman is only about 11 years older than her DH.

She did not tell me what she is going to do, but I get the impression that her main focus is the "bastard" of a FIL.
BTW, she was not angry at me.

b Little pot stirrer. You disgust me.

Her sister was not angry with her because she had seen that the FIL had anger issues. Now she knows not to leave her children alone with him. You abuser protectors disgust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, I met someone who knew him as a child and that person said that as a kid, his father beat him excessively.
You wouldn't know it today, he only speaks highly of his family. He's an all around decent person, who never has anything bad to say about anyone.
This person told me that she knew his family well when they were growing up, and she described the kind of abuse where the kids ran out of the house and were carried back inside, everyone could hear them being beaten. Often for the slightest things, and he, being the oldest, got it the worst. She also said that the father had them remove their clothes/pants to beat them. She said that once another kid teased him about being beaten (mean), but he shrugged and denied that it ever happened.

My sister says that he had great parents, I think because he said that he had great parents. To me, the only thing that I have seen is a look of sadness at times, and this is in hindsight.

I will tell my sister (we are close and I am not afraid), but before I do, any constructive advice?

This is none of your business and keep your gossipy mouth shut. What a busybody notch you are!

[Anonymous]

^^bitch not notch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You did the right thing, OP.

She did not do the right thing. This is her BIL's life experience to share of he wants to do so. It is not up to a non relative to go telling tales.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Different families, different cultures. Not ashamed and you know what? If I had a sister like all you smug pps who would hold onto information like that, then I would say, "Why bother to have family?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You did the right thing, OP.

+1000 You and your sister support instead of enable!

Good that your sister admits that she had already noticed some bad vibes with her FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Told her. She asked a lot of questions, and cried a little. She did not know the extent of it, but knew that her FIL was demanding.

She said that she never liked her FIL one bit. She said that she had seen slight glimpses of his temper and at times she actually tried to provoke him to see if he would boil over.

She knows about the woman who told me. Her DH saw her as an aunt who always had something nice to say to them. That woman is only about 11 years older than her DH.

She did not tell me what she is going to do, but I get the impression that her main focus is the "bastard" of a FIL.
BTW, she was not angry at me.

Your sister sounds as toxic as you.

God I hope this isn't real. If not your poor brother in law he goes from one abusive family to another.