Found out that BIL was badly abused as a child and I don't think that my sister knows it

[Anonymous]

Long story short, I met someone who knew him as a child and that person said that as a kid, his father beat him excessively.
You wouldn't know it today, he only speaks highly of his family. He's an all around decent person, who never has anything bad to say about anyone.
This person told me that she knew his family well when they were growing up, and she described the kind of abuse where the kids ran out of the house and were carried back inside, everyone could hear them being beaten. Often for the slightest things, and he, being the oldest, got it the worst. She also said that the father had them remove their clothes/pants to beat them. She said that once another kid teased him about being beaten (mean), but he shrugged and denied that it ever happened.

My sister says that he had great parents, I think because he said that he had great parents. To me, the only thing that I have seen is a look of sadness at times, and this is in hindsight.

I will tell my sister (we are close and I am not afraid), but before I do, any constructive advice?

[Anonymous]

As a survivor of abuse, I think it was really a betrayal of trust for that old neighbor to tell you, and it would be a further betrayal for you to tell your sister.

It sounds like he's moved on and made a good life for himself. It's up to him whether he feels he needs further support at this stage in life. He doesn't owe his wife, or you, an explanation for what his father did - he's not the one who did anything wrong. This entire approach just reinforces that it is the victim who is held to account.

[Anonymous]

In less they are leaving their kids with them for extended periods of them, say nothing. She may already know. Normally I'd be all for telling, but this is a situation I would not.

[Anonymous]

If the parents are alive, and your sis and BIL have kids, I'd absolutely tell her.

If not, then I might tactfully let her know that you heard something about severe punishment in the family, but leave it to her to find out whatever BIL wants to tell her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, I met someone who knew him as a child and that person said that as a kid, his father beat him excessively.
You wouldn't know it today, he only speaks highly of his family. He's an all around decent person, who never has anything bad to say about anyone.
This person told me that she knew his family well when they were growing up, and she described the kind of abuse where the kids ran out of the house and were carried back inside, everyone could hear them being beaten. Often for the slightest things, and he, being the oldest, got it the worst. She also said that the father had them remove their clothes/pants to beat them. She said that once another kid teased him about being beaten (mean), but he shrugged and denied that it ever happened.

My sister says that he had great parents, I think because he said that he had great parents. To me, the only thing that I have seen is a look of sadness at times, and this is in hindsight.

I will tell my sister (we are close and I am not afraid), but before I do, any constructive advice?

What would be your purpose?

[Anonymous]

I was abused, and I can imagine how this would play out in my life. If I hadn't shared with my partner, to have a sibling share it and then have it get back to me...I would be completely devastated.

You don't know what he has shared with his sister, and you don't know what happened or how it was dealt with. Keep it to yourself unless children are involved--then you do have an obligation to bring it up. But otherwise it is the BIL's to share (or not).

[Anonymous]

OP here, the purpose is simply for information. I come from a culture where people talk, and support each other, and aren't afraid of family and so on. There is no way that I would not tell her. I have never kept anything form her, and now is not the time to start.
That woman did not betray anyone, she just said it as it was. If they wanted no one else to know they were beating their kids, they should have lived in some mountain cabin. Tough --- for his father, the cat is out of the bag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, the purpose is simply for information. I come from a culture where people talk, and support each other, and aren't afraid of family and so on. There is no way that I would not tell her. I have never kept anything form her, and now is not the time to start.
That woman did not betray anyone, she just said it as it was. If they wanted no one else to know they were beating their kids, they should have lived in some mountain cabin. Tough --- for his father, the cat is out of the bag.

You're jealous of your sister, and now you will try to break up her marriage by interfering like this. How utterly evil of you.

[Anonymous]

Are you close enough to your BIL to talk to him about it first? Or at the very least feel out what his relationship is like with that person who revealed the abuse to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a survivor of abuse, I think it was really a betrayal of trust for that old neighbor to tell you, and it would be a further betrayal for you to tell your sister.

It sounds like he's moved on and made a good life for himself. It's up to him whether he feels he needs further support at this stage in life. He doesn't owe his wife, or you, an explanation for what his father did - he's not the one who did anything wrong. This entire approach just reinforces that it is the victim who is held to account.

+1 OP, there's sound advice here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, the purpose is simply for information. I come from a culture where people talk, and support each other, and aren't afraid of family and so on. There is no way that I would not tell her. I have never kept anything form her, and now is not the time to start.
That woman did not betray anyone, she just said it as it was. If they wanted no one else to know they were beating their kids, they should have lived in some mountain cabin. Tough --- for his father, the cat is out of the bag.

If he's not an abusive husband or parent, why would you possibly think of sharing his story? It's not your place to do that, or are you used to interfering with other people's lives and enjoy it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, the purpose is simply for information. I come from a culture where people talk, and support each other, and aren't afraid of family and so on. There is no way that I would not tell her. I have never kept anything form her, and now is not the time to start.
That woman did not betray anyone, she just said it as it was. If they wanted no one else to know they were beating their kids, they should have lived in some mountain cabin. Tough --- for his father, the cat is out of the bag.

You have the information you sought; you just want to be the one to share it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, I met someone who knew him as a child and that person said that as a kid, his father beat him excessively.
You wouldn't know it today, he only speaks highly of his family. He's an all around decent person, who never has anything bad to say about anyone.
This person told me that she knew his family well when they were growing up, and she described the kind of abuse where the kids ran out of the house and were carried back inside, everyone could hear them being beaten. Often for the slightest things, and he, being the oldest, got it the worst. She also said that the father had them remove their clothes/pants to beat them. She said that once another kid teased him about being beaten (mean), but he shrugged and denied that it ever happened.

My sister says that he had great parents, I think because he said that he had great parents. To me, the only thing that I have seen is a look of sadness at times, and this is in hindsight.

I will tell my sister (we are close and I am not afraid), but before I do, any constructive advice?

What would be your purpose?

She's what people used to refer to as a "busy body."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you close enough to your BIL to talk to him about it first? Or at the very least feel out what his relationship is like with that person who revealed the abuse to you?

Good question. That mysterious "someone" might have made up the tale, for all we know. Who is she, OP?? And how well do you know her? Maybe she's a revengeful ex-girlfriend of his, but isn't telling you that part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, the purpose is simply for information. I come from a culture where people talk, and support each other, and aren't afraid of family and so on. There is no way that I would not tell her. I have never kept anything form her, and now is not the time to start.
That woman did not betray anyone, she just said it as it was. If they wanted no one else to know they were beating their kids, they should have lived in some mountain cabin. Tough --- for his father, the cat is out of the bag.

If he's not an abusive husband or parent, why would you possibly think of sharing his story? It's not your place to do that, or are you used to interfering with other people's lives and enjoy it?

Exactly. OP wants to create major drama. Get a life, OP.