Reply to Found out that BIL was badly abused as a child and I don't think that my sister knows it

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Reply to "Found out that BIL was badly abused as a child and I don't think that my sister knows it"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think OP should tell sister. I know someone close to me whose spouse only revealed childhood abuse/trauma after essentially conducting separate/compartmentalized life (details of which don't matter but involved lying) which really hurt their marriage. In counseling the therapist noted that this is common for survivors of abuse *especially if they never face the trauma* which, if this guy is saying he had a great family, I suspect he has not. Anyways, I would tell my sister, not to be a busybody but to fill out her picture of the person she's married to and to protect her.[/quote]

I agree, having had this same experience with people who were abused and then grew up compartmentalizing, lying/denying, and acting out in quietly hidden destructive ways. People invest a lot in constructing and nurturing myths about themselves and their families, and can seem to be fine, while underneath is this festering pocket of infection that oozes out in odd ways. It's something a partner should know about.

I don't understand why people (or a couple of busy sock puppets?) are seeing the OP as some kind of jealous, gossiping monster out to hurt her sister and BIL. Anyone who feels such deep internal shame over what others did to children, so deep they feel they have to hide it even from their partner or shut anyone down who speaks about the subject, needs a heck of a lot more therapy. If OP is close to her sister, and knows her well enough to believe she'll handle the situation with empathy and care, then why not present what the neighbor said, not as gospel, but as something you'd want to hear about if people were saying it about you or your loved ones.

Many people have told me about their abusive childhoods. It's so much more common than you think, and being such a common experience, it can be a good thing to see others who've survived and are doing better as adults, as well as feel the support and comfort of the loved ones we choose to have in our lives as adults. Living in denial or a kind of closet never was the most healthy way to live.[/quote]

You're assuming that this person hasn't shared his experiences. The point is that he doesn't need his SIL to do it for him. As independent as so many DCUM posters appear to be, it's amazing that anyone is defending someone sharing personal information on behalf of someone else. He should be able to share what he chooses to share. Not his SIL's business, unless he's being an abusive husband and/or dad. [/quote]

What if his parents are at risk of abusing the children but her sister has no idea so she leaves the kids alone with them?  What if OP says nothing and the kids are hurt?  OP should tell her sister. [/quote]

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