Reply to Found out that BIL was badly abused as a child and I don't think that my sister knows it

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Reply to "Found out that BIL was badly abused as a child and I don't think that my sister knows it"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If the sister says her husband told her that his parents had been great, it doesn't lead you to think he's dealt with things in an integrated way, but has compartmentalized and lives in denial with his wife, with whom he should feel most able to share his history. You can say your childhood was rough and that your parents were too hard on you to the point of being abusive, without going into gory detail and reliving it. To gloss over it with a lie is unhealthy, because you should be able to share basic aspects of your history with your spouse, so they can better understand and support you. And when you can stop hiding things you can let go of the shame and stigma you feel. We should feel guilt for wrongs we have done, but we should not feel shame, and certainly not for things that were done to us. That's recovery 101.[/quote]

+1. I come from a pretty screwed up family and have done a ton of therapy to deal with it, and I don't broadcast my history but I also don't hide it. At best I might say that my parents did the best they could, but I would not tell anyone that they were great parents to me growing up because it is not true. The people I know who want to hide and bury things are the people who have not dealt with, and do not want to deal with, their past and how it has impacted their lives.

I don't see how OP could NOT tell her sister especially if the sister and BIL have kids. How could she live with herself if her silence puts those kids at risk, from BIL or his parents? How is she going to answer her sister when the sister finds out she knew - and if the neighbor is this chatty, it is conceivable that the neighbor has told others and word will get back to OP's sister through another route. [/quote]

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