Difficulty making friends with women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Women are so socially intelligent and attuned about someone's background, social status etc. By interacting with me and looking at my outfits or whatever, they can pretty quickly judge me and decide whether or not I'm someone they wanna associate with. Most often than not, because I am a loner and don't have a huge social life outside of my dh, I'm already not someone they want to actively get to know.

With a guy, all they seem to care about is whether I am funny or if I'm friendly to talk to.

There's so much pressure with women and I'm just not cut out for it.

Not true.

I suggest you invest in therapy and fix YOUR self esteem issues and why you dislike yourself. Yes yourself. You are a woman and your negative view of women is really a negative view of yourself. Which is actually very sad. I hope that changes for you. Good luck!

OP here. i DO have terrible self esteem. I feel like I have nothing of value to offer as a friend. I don't know any cool people to introduce someone to. I don't have any cool stories to share. i don't know where the cool bars or what the good drinks are, etc.

I've been reclusive for so long that I am so out of touch with the social scene. I find this becomes most apparent with women as with guys, my lack of social know-how only comes across as my being a "girl". I think guys are more forgiving.

OP, I'm one of the earlier PPs, and I believe even more strongly after your follow up posts that you would be very well served by getting to the heart of your self-esteem problems. I've struggled with them too, and they're really crippling. You don't have to feel this way.

For example, I have lots of great girlfriends, and have for years. I don't know any adult women worth befriending who are as focused on being "cool" as you seem to be. It's just not a thing beyond high school, at least not with anyone of substance. What I and my friends offer each other are the following: kindness, compassion, generosity of spirit, a listening ear, a text to check in, our time, etc. THAT is what we offer of value. Same as we offer our spouses. I promise you, the people worth knowing--men and women--care much more about the content of your character than your ability to offer restaurant recommendations. That's what food critics are for.

[Anonymous]

I don't have a lot of close friends just because I'm an introvert and I would rather be alone than be around people. I do make an effort when I'm out. Gift-giving is my love language. I always listen and try to relate to people. But at the end of the day, I don't want to go out and be social and so I don't work on building friendships beyond a very surface level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is the poster who chimes in on every single thread about SAHMS/working moms to claim that men and women are the exact same, no difference in any way?

This is right up her ally.

Are you saying OP should be a SAHM to make friends, I didn't read that she even had kids?

[Anonymous]

Op, do you think you were born in the wrong body? Since you say this has always been an issue for you and you have always identified more with males, maybe your gender is truly male. Something to consider.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

PP here who just got called a precious snowflake, you realize you just proved my point, right?

Anyway, OP, who the heck cares what's Cool? I dont! I met my latest close female friend walking dogs at a stinky dog shelter. There are many women, loads and loads who aren't into going clubbing or buying expensive handbags!

[Anonymous]

Reading through this post...I can see how hard it is to be friends with women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, do you think you were born in the wrong body? Since you say this has always been an issue for you and you have always identified more with males, maybe your gender is truly male. Something to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I get it. I have been hurt more by female friends than boyfriends. Taylor Swift basically wrote "Bad Blood" for me. My therapist confirmed for me that the Mean Girl thing doesn't end in high school and is even in the workplace, sadly.

But there are plenty of kind and genuine women too. My BFF and I have been together since the 7th grade. Its hard to make friends as an adult but I totally agree that you should persue your own interests outside of your DH....for many reasons. I'm friendly with my DH'S friends wives but I have my own female friends that im closer to.

Do you lIke animals? Rescue groups always need volunteers. Do you play a sport? Etc.

And anyone who called anyone a nasty name on this thread- you need to pick up a mirror and look at yourselves.

Aww another precious snowflake. It's you, op, and woman like you who are the problem.

Nope I actually have the same background as you I used to think nobody likes me, all women this blah blah. Then I turned 30 and realized the common denominator in all my relationship troubles was me and me blaming others and thinking I was oh so unique that no one could get me was my own immaturity. Telling people what they want to hear isn't helpful to them.

You're a bully and a mean girl.

Maybe when you turn 40 you will realize that you are being super mean.

I never said all women were anything. I just said I had been hurt by female friends. And then I spoke about my actual friends who aren't like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Women are so socially intelligent and attuned about someone's background, social status etc. By interacting with me and looking at my outfits or whatever, they can pretty quickly judge me and decide whether or not I'm someone they wanna associate with. Most often than not, because I am a loner and don't have a huge social life outside of my dh, I'm already not someone they want to actively get to know.

With a guy, all they seem to care about is whether I am funny or if I'm friendly to talk to.

There's so much pressure with women and I'm just not cut out for it.

Do you see how you are the one doing the negative judging? Women care about your clothes to be friends? By putting up this defense, you have absolved yourself from making the effort, trying, getting to know someone, finding your own interests and people who share them. Instead, you blame 50% of the population and have given yourself a pass from having to try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading through this post...I can see how hard it is to be friends with women.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to try to offer some advice, though I don't have the same problem as OP. OP, you talk about not relating to your husband's friends' wives, but maybe that is one of the problems. I haven't liked some of my husband's friends' wives at all, not because they are women, but because we had nothing in common and had personalities that might not mesh well. I don't hang out with those women, and it's not a big deal. I can go to a dinner with them, but those women are not going to be my best friends. I bet this is not that unusual. I wouldn't judge your ability to relate to women on those encounters.

What you might want to do if you do want a group of female friends is to think of something that interests you and join a Meetup group. For example, if you like rock climbing, go join a group with women and try your hand at it. It might be awkward at first because I think you have kind of developed some sort of anxiety about this, but if you force yourself to try to engage with women with similar interests, it might help. Then you can see who you are most compatible with. And you need to have an open mind about this.

One last thing - I have given up on a cohesive group of female friends like I had when I was younger. I have some very, very good female friends, but they aren't really friends with each other. It bothers me not to have some sort of little community where everyone is close, but I am accepting that this is good too - to have independent friendships that are deep and meaningful.

Hope this helps!

I think people in general are just temperamentally suited to having a posse of friends all of whom are friends with each other, or not suited that way. I have deep friendships with women who are at best acquaintances with each other, and ever since elementary school, it's been that way for me. I have two children; one has a posse, one has individual friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here - just a note that I don't sit around judging other women on some sort of unknown female social handbook. There might be some women like that, but none of my friends are like that at all. So you should be more openminded about this and not assume other women are busy judging you.

This is so disingenuous. You don't evaluate if someone is an introvert or extrovert, their personality in general?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Allow me to be blunt, any woman who has claimed she can't be friends with another female because she doesn't have anything in common with them has 100% of the time been the problem.

She is usually overly critical of other women while make excuses for men.

She usually suffers from "snowflake syndrome" she is just oh so unique and the only woman on the planet to have xyz interests.

She also typically lacks appropriate social boundaries ie blantantlyflirts with boyfrien/husband of other womean and then plays dumb when called out on it saying things like " I just don't see it like that I'm one of the guys lolz."

It's not them or what you have in common with them that's making you insecure. You are insecure. When you are part of a group of females you think you have to compete with them for attention ( primarily male) doesn't matter that you are married.

When you are the only girl in the group you feel like you are special. " The guys are into me."

Grow up.

I hate to say it, but I have to say that this is pretty accurate, with one large caveat.

I think it paints a picture of a very narcissistic, attention-hungry woman, which I think might be true in some cases.

But in other cases (maybe most), the root is a woman who is really just uncomfortable talking with women and who probably lacks sophisticated social skills.

It's easier as a woman to interact with men because they are typically nicer and will give plenty of attention without requiring much in return. This is usually because they feel a sense of validation that you are even paying attention to them, so that is all they need from you.

If a woman has very little experience with other women and feels anxious about interacting with them, for whatever reason, she might slide into having only male friends simply because it's easier.

Being friends with women as a woman means mastering give-and-take and also demonstrating some kind of have value (otherwise why would they spend time on you?). Just talking to a woman as another woman isn't a gift to her in and of itself.

So, yes, OP, I think you need to think about these things. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. It sounds like you are new to even-footed social interactions. As someone who was once in your position and made an effort to learn more social competence, I can report that it was worth the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Allow me to be blunt, any woman who has claimed she can't be friends with another female because she doesn't have anything in common with them has 100% of the time been the problem.

She is usually overly critical of other women while make excuses for men.

She usually suffers from "snowflake syndrome" she is just oh so unique and the only woman on the planet to have xyz interests.

She also typically lacks appropriate social boundaries ie blantantlyflirts with boyfrien/husband of other womean and then plays dumb when called out on it saying things like " I just don't see it like that I'm one of the guys lolz."

It's not them or what you have in common with them that's making you insecure. You are insecure. When you are part of a group of females you think you have to compete with them for attention ( primarily male) doesn't matter that you are married.

When you are the only girl in the group you feel like you are special. " The guys are into me."

Grow up.

I hate to say it, but I have to say that this is pretty accurate, with one large caveat.

I think it paints a picture of a very narcissistic, attention-hungry woman, which I think might be true in some cases.

But in other cases (maybe most), the root is a woman who is really just uncomfortable talking with women and who probably lacks sophisticated social skills.

It's easier as a woman to interact with men because they are typically nicer and will give plenty of attention without requiring much in return. This is usually because they feel a sense of validation that you are even paying attention to them, so that is all they need from you.

If a woman has very little experience with other women and feels anxious about interacting with them, for whatever reason, she might slide into having only male friends simply because it's easier.

Being friends with women as a woman means mastering give-and-take and also demonstrating some kind of have value (otherwise why would they spend time on you?). Just talking to a woman as another woman isn't a gift to her in and of itself.

So, yes, OP, I think you need to think about these things. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. It sounds like you are new to even-footed social interactions. As someone who was once in your position and made an effort to learn more social competence, I can report that it was worth the effort.

Op here.

OMG I think you hit the nail on the head! I'm not blatantly socially awkward and I dress pretty well and am pretty attractive. Guys are always nicer to me because they don't care/ don't pick up on the social capital that is need in order to fit in with most women. From what I've observed being nice and friendly is NOt all that's required to befriend a woman. I unfortunately seem to lack whatever "value" it is that women want their female friends to have. It can be anything ranging from being married to the right guy, having connections to go to the right parties, knowing the right people etc. in high school these are the cool people but In the grown up world I think we have our own version of it.