Difficulty making friends with women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Allow me to be blunt, any woman who has claimed she can't be friends with another female because she doesn't have anything in common with them has 100% of the time been the problem.

She is usually overly critical of other women while make excuses for men.

She usually suffers from "snowflake syndrome" she is just oh so unique and the only woman on the planet to have xyz interests.

She also typically lacks appropriate social boundaries ie blantantlyflirts with boyfrien/husband of other womean and then plays dumb when called out on it saying things like " I just don't see it like that I'm one of the guys lolz."

It's not them or what you have in common with them that's making you insecure. You are insecure. When you are part of a group of females you think you have to compete with them for attention ( primarily male) doesn't matter that you are married.

When you are the only girl in the group you feel like you are special. " The guys are into me."

Grow up.

I hate to say it, but I have to say that this is pretty accurate, with one large caveat.

I think it paints a picture of a very narcissistic, attention-hungry woman, which I think might be true in some cases.

But in other cases (maybe most), the root is a woman who is really just uncomfortable talking with women and who probably lacks sophisticated social skills.

It's easier as a woman to interact with men because they are typically nicer and will give plenty of attention without requiring much in return. This is usually because they feel a sense of validation that you are even paying attention to them, so that is all they need from you.

If a woman has very little experience with other women and feels anxious about interacting with them, for whatever reason, she might slide into having only male friends simply because it's easier.

Being friends with women as a woman means mastering give-and-take and also demonstrating some kind of have value (otherwise why would they spend time on you?). Just talking to a woman as another woman isn't a gift to her in and of itself.

So, yes, OP, I think you need to think about these things. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. It sounds like you are new to even-footed social interactions. As someone who was once in your position and made an effort to learn more social competence, I can report that it was worth the effort.

Op here.

OMG I think you hit the nail on the head! I'm not blatantly socially awkward and I dress pretty well and am pretty attractive. Guys are always nicer to me because they don't care/ don't pick up on the social capital that is need in order to fit in with most women. From what I've observed being nice and friendly is NOt all that's required to befriend a woman. I unfortunately seem to lack whatever "value" it is that women want their female friends to have. It can be anything ranging from being married to the right guy, having connections to go to the right parties, knowing the right people etc. in high school these are the cool people but In the grown up world I think we have our own version of it.

and we're done here / end thread

[Anonymous]

OP not all women are like that! What I value in my friends has nothing to do with coolness! I value a sense of humor and kindness. I don't give a crap about social status!

[Anonymous]

OP, I posted earlier that maybe you are picking the wrong friends. If the women that you are meeting are truly more interested in who you know, this is indeed it. Pick a different crowd, because that's ridiculous. However, you do yourself no favors by generalizing so broadly and assuming that's how all women are. If you're not like that, why do you think every other women is?

Give both yourself and other women more credit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Allow me to be blunt, any woman who has claimed she can't be friends with another female because she doesn't have anything in common with them has 100% of the time been the problem.

She is usually overly critical of other women while make excuses for men.

She usually suffers from "snowflake syndrome" she is just oh so unique and the only woman on the planet to have xyz interests.

She also typically lacks appropriate social boundaries ie blantantlyflirts with boyfrien/husband of other womean and then plays dumb when called out on it saying things like " I just don't see it like that I'm one of the guys lolz."

It's not them or what you have in common with them that's making you insecure. You are insecure. When you are part of a group of females you think you have to compete with them for attention ( primarily male) doesn't matter that you are married.

When you are the only girl in the group you feel like you are special. " The guys are into me."

Grow up.

I hate to say it, but I have to say that this is pretty accurate, with one large caveat.

I think it paints a picture of a very narcissistic, attention-hungry woman, which I think might be true in some cases.

But in other cases (maybe most), the root is a woman who is really just uncomfortable talking with women and who probably lacks sophisticated social skills.

It's easier as a woman to interact with men because they are typically nicer and will give plenty of attention without requiring much in return. This is usually because they feel a sense of validation that you are even paying attention to them, so that is all they need from you.

If a woman has very little experience with other women and feels anxious about interacting with them, for whatever reason, she might slide into having only male friends simply because it's easier.

Being friends with women as a woman means mastering give-and-take and also demonstrating some kind of have value (otherwise why would they spend time on you?). Just talking to a woman as another woman isn't a gift to her in and of itself.

So, yes, OP, I think you need to think about these things. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. It sounds like you are new to even-footed social interactions. As someone who was once in your position and made an effort to learn more social competence, I can report that it was worth the effort.

Op here.

OMG I think you hit the nail on the head! I'm not blatantly socially awkward and I dress pretty well and am pretty attractive. Guys are always nicer to me because they don't care/ don't pick up on the social capital that is need in order to fit in with most women. From what I've observed being nice and friendly is NOt all that's required to befriend a woman. I unfortunately seem to lack whatever "value" it is that women want their female friends to have. It can be anything ranging from being married to the right guy, having connections to go to the right parties, knowing the right people etc. in high school these are the cool people but In the grown up world I think we have our own version of it.

and we're done here / end thread

Except she still has "value" all wrong. Be kind. Be funny. Be a good listener. Those things have great value.

[Anonymous]

I was listening to a podcast of This American Life about teenage girls and texting:-

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/573/status-update?act=1

I found it astonishing. I have never been part of this world, even in its pre-internet form. Maybe the OP also has difficulties with this scene. I find that a less extreme version occurs on facebook with my age group, where everyone seems to reply with "so beautiful" comments whenever someone posts a photo of their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Allow me to be blunt, any woman who has claimed she can't be friends with another female because she doesn't have anything in common with them has 100% of the time been the problem.

She is usually overly critical of other women while make excuses for men.

She usually suffers from "snowflake syndrome" she is just oh so unique and the only woman on the planet to have xyz interests.

She also typically lacks appropriate social boundaries ie blantantlyflirts with boyfrien/husband of other womean and then plays dumb when called out on it saying things like " I just don't see it like that I'm one of the guys lolz."

It's not them or what you have in common with them that's making you insecure. You are insecure. When you are part of a group of females you think you have to compete with them for attention ( primarily male) doesn't matter that you are married.

When you are the only girl in the group you feel like you are special. " The guys are into me."

Grow up.

I hate to say it, but I have to say that this is pretty accurate, with one large caveat.

I think it paints a picture of a very narcissistic, attention-hungry woman, which I think might be true in some cases.

But in other cases (maybe most), the root is a woman who is really just uncomfortable talking with women and who probably lacks sophisticated social skills.

It's easier as a woman to interact with men because they are typically nicer and will give plenty of attention without requiring much in return. This is usually because they feel a sense of validation that you are even paying attention to them, so that is all they need from you.

If a woman has very little experience with other women and feels anxious about interacting with them, for whatever reason, she might slide into having only male friends simply because it's easier.

Being friends with women as a woman means mastering give-and-take and also demonstrating some kind of have value (otherwise why would they spend time on you?). Just talking to a woman as another woman isn't a gift to her in and of itself.

So, yes, OP, I think you need to think about these things. It doesn't mean you're a bad person. It sounds like you are new to even-footed social interactions. As someone who was once in your position and made an effort to learn more social competence, I can report that it was worth the effort.

Op here.

OMG I think you hit the nail on the head! I'm not blatantly socially awkward and I dress pretty well and am pretty attractive. Guys are always nicer to me because they don't care/ don't pick up on the social capital that is need in order to fit in with most women. From what I've observed being nice and friendly is NOt all that's required to befriend a woman. I unfortunately seem to lack whatever "value" it is that women want their female friends to have. It can be anything ranging from being married to the right guy, having connections to go to the right parties, knowing the right people etc. in high school these are the cool people but In the grown up world I think we have our own version of it.

and we're done here / end thread

I think you misunderstood me a little bit. I was not implying that social capital is the only reason a woman would want to talk to another woman, although yes, that is a factor. (it is for men-men interactions, too).

Every person requires something out of every other person in an interaction.

When men interact with other men, they get something out of it. It could be laughs. It could be a feeling of support. It could be connections. But it's something, otherwise they wouldn't maintain a friendship.

When a woman interacts with a man, she is giving him validation. So he will still keep interacting with her and be nice to her even if she is not interesting to talk with, not a good listener, not funny, has no "social capital" etc.

You might think you are just being nice and friendly with other women, but you are either not giving enough in the conversation (by good listening skills or interesting knowledge etc.) or you are accidentally sending signals that are off putting without realizing it. I don't know you so I can't identify specifics.

I think you are doing yourself a huge dis-service if you just write this off as "I'm just a nice and friendly person and women require that i have fancy status to interact." That's falling dangerously close to the "special snowflake" thing. I get that telling yourself that is more comfortable than doing the uncomfortable work of figuring out how things between you and other women break down.

But please, keep trying to interact with various women and keep practicing. Be open to discovering how you play into the experiences you've been having. If you do the brave work that is required I think you'll be happy with the results.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am more comfortable with men. Why? I don't like to spend time talking about trivial things. Things like that bond women and I'm more interested in talking about work, world affairs, financial topics, football...

I do have a handful of girlfriends, but we talk about the 2016 election while getting pedis.

OP I know this is not you but in the event you also feel like this - it may be part of the problem.

I have girlfriends and we are all (ahem ) very intelligent, articulate and experts in our fields - finance, investment banking, start ups, tech. law and a few SAHMs as well.

We are interested in and talk about work world affairs etc.

But with i really close friends i can segue into personal issues, celeb trivia, emotional stuff etc.

I find the combination really satisfying and what sustains these friendships.

If I met someone like you who was relatively one diemensional (from my perspective) while, i would be interested in your views, I wouldnt be close friends. Same with women who are only interested in the "trivia".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am more comfortable with men. Why? I don't like to spend time talking about trivial things. Things like that bond women and I'm more interested in talking about work, world affairs, financial topics, football...

I do have a handful of girlfriends, but we talk about the 2016 election while getting pedis.

OP I know this is not you but in the event you also feel like this - it may be part of the problem.

I have girlfriends and we are all (ahem ) very intelligent, articulate and experts in our fields - finance, investment banking, start ups, tech. law and a few SAHMs as well.

We are interested in and talk about work world affairs etc.

But with i really close friends i can segue into personal issues, celeb trivia, emotional stuff etc.

I find the combination really satisfying and what sustains these friendships.

If I met someone like you who was relatively one diemensional (from my perspective) while, i would be interested in your views, I wouldnt be close friends. Same with women who are only interested in the "trivia".

You have to know someone fairly well to segue into the personal. And women who are completely consumed with their households and families just have nothing to say. I have a hard time dealing with women who are more attractive and thin than the average, and who are also introverts - so many women pursue those types for their "social capital," but I have a really hard time engaging with them beyond the surface stuff because they are not used to putting forth any effort.

[Anonymous]

I tend to get along better with men as well OP, but I still have lots of female friends. I don't care for the 'high maintenance clique-y' types (even though I do count a few as friends). There are a lot of different 'types' of women, so for you to make a blanket statement that you can't get along with all of them, might be a little overly dramatic. Maybe it is the group you are hanging with? Maybe it is you or maybe it is the group you associate with? Do you have other friends outside of your husbands' friends wives? I have found that I have very little in comment my the wives of my husbands' friends -but I have other women I get along with (and even have a good time with).

[Anonymous]

OP do you just want more superficial relationships with women, like those you have with your husband's friends? What values do you seek in a potential friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading through this post...I can see how hard it is to be friends with women.

Seriously. Ironic that the posters are being nasty and judgmental while attacking OP for thinking women are nasty and judgmental, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Allow me to be blunt, any woman who has claimed she can't be friends with another female because she doesn't have anything in common with them has 100% of the time been the problem.

She is usually overly critical of other women while make excuses for men.

She usually suffers from "snowflake syndrome" she is just oh so unique and the only woman on the planet to have xyz interests.

She also typically lacks appropriate social boundaries ie blantantlyflirts with boyfrien/husband of other womean and then plays dumb when called out on it saying things like " I just don't see it like that I'm one of the guys lolz."

It's not them or what you have in common with them that's making you insecure. You are insecure. When you are part of a group of females you think you have to compete with them for attention ( primarily male) doesn't matter that you are married.

When you are the only girl in the group you feel like you are special. " The guys are into me."

Grow up.

This is so on the money I can't emphasize it any more.

How come you never hear heterosexual men say "I have difficulty making friends with men, I get along much better with women?"

There are MANY heterosexual men who prefer female friends, but do not say so out loud. Why? Because having mostly female friends is a stereotype of gay men and no straight man wants his sexuality suspected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Women are so socially intelligent and attuned about someone's background, social status etc. By interacting with me and looking at my outfits or whatever, they can pretty quickly judge me and decide whether or not I'm someone they wanna associate with. Most often than not, because I am a loner and don't have a huge social life outside of my dh, I'm already not someone they want to actively get to know.

With a guy, all they seem to care about is whether I am funny or if I'm friendly to talk to.

There's so much pressure with women and I'm just not cut out for it.

I hope you don't have kids. Don't pass your gender discrimination issues to a new generation.

It's a lot easier to justify your screwed up world view by pretending to be a victim. It's actually all the rage right now.

[Anonymous]

I used to feel this way, but it was because I wasn't comfortable with myself as a woman, and had had negative experiences with women.

I project a lot of "stuff" (including my insecurities) on women I know and meet, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. At some point in my twenties I started to connect more with other women, which has only increased with time. I have challenges, and I'm still working on myself, but I now love women and have great girlfriends - life is much improved!

[Anonymous]

Wow! a whole thread where women are judging each other over how they judge each other stemming from one woman's self judgment (or is she judging the other women?.... or are those women judging her?)