IL's in my house during my hospital stay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect the people who react nicely to the MIL's actions have good relationships with their MIL's and vice versa.

I have a great relationship with my MIL. That is *because* I set boundaries with her early on. She is definitely the type to "reorganize" without asking, but after she did that and I had a conversation with her, she stopped. Being nice/having a good relationship with your in-laws (or anyone) =/= letting them do whatever they want to do just because they have good intentions. Respect is a two-way street.

+1

It also means picking your battles. I have a fabulous relationship with my mother-in-law, unlike, I suspect, many of the posters here. She would not enter my bedroom without asking, but if she did and made the bed hike I was hospitalized I would understand that she had wonderful intentions and if I werent comfortable with it I would, you know, tell her. Op, have you TOLD your mother-in-law about the things that bother you? If I told mine, she would be horrified and rectify it immediately. You havent addressed that piece.

Fwiw, I have two children and my mother-in-law lived with us for a month after my second was born. As others have said, she will be far too busy with the older one to do this kind of thing. That said, if cleaning your house and making some meals offends you to such a high degree, I'm not sure your relationship with her stands a chance and I'm not sure what to tell you.

Have you never dealt with a snoop before? Have you never had someone go through your things without permission? Not only when you were not at home but when you were literally hospitalized?

I get the impression that you think it's the *Op's* fault that her MIL is a snooper. Or that the Op should just suck it up and deal with the fact that MIL goes through her stuff and goes into her medicine cabinets/closets and "organizes" them for her. Are you the type of person who likes to "help" like that? If so, maybe you should ask if your hosts appreciate that kind of help. Some (many!) Do Not!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's like DCUMmers can't help it...they can't read an original post/thread title and answer the question actually being asked.

OP did not ask, "Would these circumstances bother you?"

She did ask, "As these circumstances do bother me, how can I best address them?"

So whether or not YOU would feel the way she does under the same circumstances just isn't relevant!

I think that some of these folks are trying to tell Op that she has no reason to be annoyed with MIL and should just suck it up. THAT is their solution.

But most of us feel for Op and have given her commiseration and some ideas as to how to keep MIL out of her stuff and busy with things that actually do help.

Best of luck, Op! I'm sure that first born will keep her occupied. Congratulations to you and your whole family (MIL included) on that precious brand new baby!

It's not that OP can't feel annoyed. She clearly does. It's just that trying to significantly changer her MIL may prove more annoying than the original annoyance.

Nah. It's o.k. to stop inappropriate, intrusive behavior. Why wouldn't it be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to give birth to DC #2. My IL's are coming to stay with my toddler while I'm in the hospital (planned C), which is very kind and helpful of them. They are good grandparents, and I do appreciate the help.

However, last time I was in the hospital, they "took over" my house and did a ton of things I didn't want them to do, and it was really irritating and stressful. I am hoping to find strategies to avoid this dynamic this time around, because it made a very difficult time even harder.

1) Despite me telling her that the house was fully clean, my MIL felt the need to "re-clean" everything; including closets and bathroom cabinets
2) She put new sheets on our master bedroom bed, even though the bed was freshly made. I really didn't like that she went into our bedroom without permission, for absolutely no reason.
3) She "cleaned out" my clean/organized fridge and freezer, and even tossed some items that my mom had made for me because "she didn't know what they were." So when I was craving comfort food in the form of my mom's cooking, it was not available to me. (My parents are coming out a bit later this time, and that was the case last time, too.)
4) She re-washed all of the baby clothes--which I had already washed and hung in the closet according to size (NB, 0-3, 3 months, etc.) and even hung back on the corresponding, sized store hangers, and didn't re-size them, so everything was "unsized" in the closet I had worked really hard on. I even told her what I had done, but she said washing them two weeks out left them "dusty."
5) FIL took it upon himself to do all sorts of "projects" around the house, making things messy and disruptive when I just needed things to be quiet, clean and calm.

So I'm glad they are coming to help out, but I do NOT want any "extra" help. DH is on board to talk to them with me about this ahead of time, but I am having trouble thinking of how best to convey that I'm grateful for help, but I don't want any of this "extra stuff" to happen again.

Thoughts? Thank you!

Last time they were there for a birth you didn't have DC#1 for them to watch! Tell them the house and clothes are all ready this time and thank them for the prep work they did for bringing DC#1 home. You and DH tell them you learned from last time and now ALL they have to do is DC#1 maintenance as well as newly produced dirty laundry , dishes, vacuum crumbs etc, pck up toys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to give birth to DC #2. My IL's are coming to stay with my toddler while I'm in the hospital (planned C), which is very kind and helpful of them. They are good grandparents, and I do appreciate the help.

However, last time I was in the hospital, they "took over" my house and did a ton of things I didn't want them to do, and it was really irritating and stressful. I am hoping to find strategies to avoid this dynamic this time around, because it made a very difficult time even harder.

1) Despite me telling her that the house was fully clean, my MIL felt the need to "re-clean" everything; including closets and bathroom cabinets
2) She put new sheets on our master bedroom bed, even though the bed was freshly made. I really didn't like that she went into our bedroom without permission, for absolutely no reason.
3) She "cleaned out" my clean/organized fridge and freezer, and even tossed some items that my mom had made for me because "she didn't know what they were." So when I was craving comfort food in the form of my mom's cooking, it was not available to me. (My parents are coming out a bit later this time, and that was the case last time, too.)
4) She re-washed all of the baby clothes--which I had already washed and hung in the closet according to size (NB, 0-3, 3 months, etc.) and even hung back on the corresponding, sized store hangers, and didn't re-size them, so everything was "unsized" in the closet I had worked really hard on. I even told her what I had done, but she said washing them two weeks out left them "dusty."
5) FIL took it upon himself to do all sorts of "projects" around the house, making things messy and disruptive when I just needed things to be quiet, clean and calm.

So I'm glad they are coming to help out, but I do NOT want any "extra" help. DH is on board to talk to them with me about this ahead of time, but I am having trouble thinking of how best to convey that I'm grateful for help, but I don't want any of this "extra stuff" to happen again.

Thoughts? Thank you!

Last time they were there for a birth you didn't have DC#1 for them to watch! Tell them the house and clothes are all ready this time and thank them for the prep work they did for bringing DC#1 home. You and DH tell them you learned from last time and now ALL they have to do is DC#1 maintenance as well as newly produced dirty laundry , dishes, vacuum crumbs etc, pck up toys.

No. Do not tell them that you "appreciate" what you actually resent. Obviously, you simply go through the trouble of boxing up/putting away what you do not want her getting into - your lingerie and other bedroom items, bills, notes, cards, etc., cut the size tags out of your clothing, stash that gag gift from Spencer's that your BFF gave you (Joy Jelly, haha) and any other anything that is not for "everyone's" eyes. You have some, ahem, stains on your mattress pad that are no one else's beeswax? Get a new mattress pad.

In this case you "MIL proof" your house. But the rules apply to any snoop. Sad as heck to have to do that.

[Anonymous]

Stickies on the food in the fridge
Disconnect the washing machine ("we're waiting for the repair person next week")
Lock on the master bedroom door
Lock on the baby room

if they question the locks say that it's for safety in case washing machine repair people snoop

If FIL does noisy stuff - DH has to tell him to stop. There are no projects worth disturbing you over unless the roof is sliding off the house.

All of this matter of factly with a smile.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the feedback! I will try stickies on food/notes on areas I don't want her to clean/organize, and a list of things that would be truly helpful. The reminder that she will be busy with my toddler is helpful!

And honestly, please relax and don't think I'm not appreciative or that I don't generally like my ILs. We get along very well. Not sure why some of you think that me not liking her in my closets and medicine cabinets, or throwing out good food without asking, makes me a bad person. It's fine that that stuff wouldn't bother you, but I think it's OK that it does irk me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the feedback! I will try stickies on food/notes on areas I don't want her to clean/organize, and a list of things that would be truly helpful. The reminder that she will be busy with my toddler is helpful!

And honestly, please relax and don't think I'm not appreciative or that I don't generally like my ILs. We get along very well. Not sure why some of you think that me not liking her in my closets and medicine cabinets, or throwing out good food without asking, makes me a bad person. It's fine that that stuff wouldn't bother you, but I think it's OK that it does irk me.

The things you described in your OP would definitely bother me. It sounds like you have great ILs, but they need to respect your wishes. It IS stressful to have someone go through your things without your permission. Sounds like you have a good plan. Make sure to have your DH back you up. Give your ILs enough things to do, and direct their energy that way, instead of saying "no, no, no." You don't want them to feel unappreciated, but you do want them to focus on your child and doing things around your house that would be truly helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either accept their help in the form it comes in or decline it. You can't custom tailor people to your desires. I'm sure these are coping mechanisms for her as well as expressions of love. If there are one or two things that are really important, like the food, put a note on it saying, "Mom's apple pie- do not toss." Other than that, you are setting yourself up for a misunderstanding and frustration.

+1

And please send them over to my house. You would not believe some of the nasty, selfish things that came out of my MILs house when I gave birth. She could not be in the birthing room, with her camera pointed at my privates, so she literally had a child's hissy fit. THAT spoke volumes. Quite frankly, it was all I needed to know. She certainly was not going to lift a finger cleaning or preparing anything, as she doesn't even do so in her own house. Keep things in perspective and try to appreciate the help, OP. Or hire someone to come in and help. Your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the feedback! I will try stickies on food/notes on areas I don't want her to clean/organize, and a list of things that would be truly helpful. The reminder that she will be busy with my toddler is helpful!

And honestly, please relax and don't think I'm not appreciative or that I don't generally like my ILs. We get along very well. Not sure why some of you think that me not liking her in my closets and medicine cabinets, or throwing out good food without asking, makes me a bad person. It's fine that that stuff wouldn't bother you, but I think it's OK that it does irk me.

You'll do fine Op and so will the in-laws. I think the notes will help and your toddler will keep them busy - it is nice to have family help out with the little ones. Congratulations!

[Anonymous]

If MIL is an ill educated, nosy low class snooper - then I agree with the locks. That should send a hint or two. But probably not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either accept their help in the form it comes in or decline it. You can't custom tailor people to your desires. I'm sure these are coping mechanisms for her as well as expressions of love. If there are one or two things that are really important, like the food, put a note on it saying, "Mom's apple pie- do not toss." Other than that, you are setting yourself up for a misunderstanding and frustration.

+1

And please send them over to my house. You would not believe some of the nasty, selfish things that came out of my MILs house when I gave birth. She could not be in the birthing room, with her camera pointed at my privates, so she literally had a child's hissy fit. THAT spoke volumes. Quite frankly, it was all I needed to know. She certainly was not going to lift a finger cleaning or preparing anything, as she doesn't even do so in her own house. Keep things in perspective and try to appreciate the help, OP. Or hire someone to come in and help. Your choice.

Oh, I'm sure you and the snoop would bond so well that you wouldn't even mind her camera! After all, if she already is going through your underwear drawer and changing your bed sheets why be bashful? I'll bet she'll even help you learn how to breastfeed. Quality time you all will have. Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either accept their help in the form it comes in or decline it. You can't custom tailor people to your desires. I'm sure these are coping mechanisms for her as well as expressions of love. If there are one or two things that are really important, like the food, put a note on it saying, "Mom's apple pie- do not toss." Other than that, you are setting yourself up for a misunderstanding and frustration.

+1

And please send them over to my house. You would not believe some of the nasty, selfish things that came out of my MILs house when I gave birth. She could not be in the birthing room, with her camera pointed at my privates, so she literally had a child's hissy fit. THAT spoke volumes. Quite frankly, it was all I needed to know. She certainly was not going to lift a finger cleaning or preparing anything, as she doesn't even do so in her own house. Keep things in perspective and try to appreciate the help, OP. Or hire someone to come in and help. Your choice.

Stop. Stop inserting your life, your relationships, your stories into this. It's not about you. It's about OP. She has stated time and again that she is appreciative and grateful. That doesn't mean she has to like every single thing her ILs do or say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to give birth to DC #2. My IL's are coming to stay with my toddler while I'm in the hospital (planned C), which is very kind and helpful of them. They are good grandparents, and I do appreciate the help.

However, last time I was in the hospital, they "took over" my house and did a ton of things I didn't want them to do, and it was really irritating and stressful. I am hoping to find strategies to avoid this dynamic this time around, because it made a very difficult time even harder.

1) Despite me telling her that the house was fully clean, my MIL felt the need to "re-clean" everything; including closets and bathroom cabinets
2) She put new sheets on our master bedroom bed, even though the bed was freshly made. I really didn't like that she went into our bedroom without permission, for absolutely no reason.
3) She "cleaned out" my clean/organized fridge and freezer, and even tossed some items that my mom had made for me because "she didn't know what they were." So when I was craving comfort food in the form of my mom's cooking, it was not available to me. (My parents are coming out a bit later this time, and that was the case last time, too.)
4) She re-washed all of the baby clothes--which I had already washed and hung in the closet according to size (NB, 0-3, 3 months, etc.) and even hung back on the corresponding, sized store hangers, and didn't re-size them, so everything was "unsized" in the closet I had worked really hard on. I even told her what I had done, but she said washing them two weeks out left them "dusty."
5) FIL took it upon himself to do all sorts of "projects" around the house, making things messy and disruptive when I just needed things to be quiet, clean and calm.

So I'm glad they are coming to help out, but I do NOT want any "extra" help. DH is on board to talk to them with me about this ahead of time, but I am having trouble thinking of how best to convey that I'm grateful for help, but I don't want any of this "extra stuff" to happen again.

Thoughts? Thank you!

is this for real??

you are one lucky person to have relatives that do all this for you.

I do not understand how this would cause stress, but maybe that is because we hae no time, and our house is a f'cking mess. one grandparent has alzheimers , one grandparent on other side has cancer.

please send your relatives my way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to give birth to DC #2. My IL's are coming to stay with my toddler while I'm in the hospital (planned C), which is very kind and helpful of them. They are good grandparents, and I do appreciate the help.

However, last time I was in the hospital, they "took over" my house and did a ton of things I didn't want them to do, and it was really irritating and stressful. I am hoping to find strategies to avoid this dynamic this time around, because it made a very difficult time even harder.

1) Despite me telling her that the house was fully clean, my MIL felt the need to "re-clean" everything; including closets and bathroom cabinets
2) She put new sheets on our master bedroom bed, even though the bed was freshly made. I really didn't like that she went into our bedroom without permission, for absolutely no reason.
3) She "cleaned out" my clean/organized fridge and freezer, and even tossed some items that my mom had made for me because "she didn't know what they were." So when I was craving comfort food in the form of my mom's cooking, it was not available to me. (My parents are coming out a bit later this time, and that was the case last time, too.)
4) She re-washed all of the baby clothes--which I had already washed and hung in the closet according to size (NB, 0-3, 3 months, etc.) and even hung back on the corresponding, sized store hangers, and didn't re-size them, so everything was "unsized" in the closet I had worked really hard on. I even told her what I had done, but she said washing them two weeks out left them "dusty."
5) FIL took it upon himself to do all sorts of "projects" around the house, making things messy and disruptive when I just needed things to be quiet, clean and calm.

So I'm glad they are coming to help out, but I do NOT want any "extra" help. DH is on board to talk to them with me about this ahead of time, but I am having trouble thinking of how best to convey that I'm grateful for help, but I don't want any of this "extra stuff" to happen again.

Thoughts? Thank you!

1) let it go
2 chill. went into your room w/o permission?! WTF
3) Freeze the stuff your Mom sends AFTER it's labeled
4) So what? Just move the things back
5) Have your DH talk to him

I highly doubt your DH is going to leave them completely unattended while you're in the hospital. Which is good b/c you're clearly an ungrateful DIL who doesn't trust them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to give birth to DC #2. My IL's are coming to stay with my toddler while I'm in the hospital (planned C), which is very kind and helpful of them. They are good grandparents, and I do appreciate the help.

However, last time I was in the hospital, they "took over" my house and did a ton of things I didn't want them to do, and it was really irritating and stressful. I am hoping to find strategies to avoid this dynamic this time around, because it made a very difficult time even harder.

1) Despite me telling her that the house was fully clean, my MIL felt the need to "re-clean" everything; including closets and bathroom cabinets
2) She put new sheets on our master bedroom bed, even though the bed was freshly made. I really didn't like that she went into our bedroom without permission, for absolutely no reason.
3) She "cleaned out" my clean/organized fridge and freezer, and even tossed some items that my mom had made for me because "she didn't know what they were." So when I was craving comfort food in the form of my mom's cooking, it was not available to me. (My parents are coming out a bit later this time, and that was the case last time, too.)
4) She re-washed all of the baby clothes--which I had already washed and hung in the closet according to size (NB, 0-3, 3 months, etc.) and even hung back on the corresponding, sized store hangers, and didn't re-size them, so everything was "unsized" in the closet I had worked really hard on. I even told her what I had done, but she said washing them two weeks out left them "dusty."
5) FIL took it upon himself to do all sorts of "projects" around the house, making things messy and disruptive when I just needed things to be quiet, clean and calm.

So I'm glad they are coming to help out, but I do NOT want any "extra" help. DH is on board to talk to them with me about this ahead of time, but I am having trouble thinking of how best to convey that I'm grateful for help, but I don't want any of this "extra stuff" to happen again.

Thoughts? Thank you!

1) let it go
2 chill. went into your room w/o permission?! WTF
3) Freeze the stuff your Mom sends AFTER it's labeled
4) So what? Just move the things back
5) Have your DH talk to him

I highly doubt your DH is going to leave them completely unattended while you're in the hospital. Which is good b/c you're clearly an ungrateful DIL who doesn't trust them

STFU. That's all.