IL's in my house during my hospital stay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to give birth to DC #2. My IL's are coming to stay with my toddler while I'm in the hospital (planned C), which is very kind and helpful of them. They are good grandparents, and I do appreciate the help.

However, last time I was in the hospital, they "took over" my house and did a ton of things I didn't want them to do, and it was really irritating and stressful. I am hoping to find strategies to avoid this dynamic this time around, because it made a very difficult time even harder.

1) Despite me telling her that the house was fully clean, my MIL felt the need to "re-clean" everything; including closets and bathroom cabinets
2) She put new sheets on our master bedroom bed, even though the bed was freshly made. I really didn't like that she went into our bedroom without permission, for absolutely no reason.
3) She "cleaned out" my clean/organized fridge and freezer, and even tossed some items that my mom had made for me because "she didn't know what they were." So when I was craving comfort food in the form of my mom's cooking, it was not available to me. (My parents are coming out a bit later this time, and that was the case last time, too.)
4) She re-washed all of the baby clothes--which I had already washed and hung in the closet according to size (NB, 0-3, 3 months, etc.) and even hung back on the corresponding, sized store hangers, and didn't re-size them, so everything was "unsized" in the closet I had worked really hard on. I even told her what I had done, but she said washing them two weeks out left them "dusty."
5) FIL took it upon himself to do all sorts of "projects" around the house, making things messy and disruptive when I just needed things to be quiet, clean and calm.

So I'm glad they are coming to help out, but I do NOT want any "extra" help. DH is on board to talk to them with me about this ahead of time, but I am having trouble thinking of how best to convey that I'm grateful for help, but I don't want any of this "extra stuff" to happen again.

Thoughts? Thank you!

is this for real??

you are one lucky person to have relatives that do all this for you.

I do not understand how this would cause stress, but maybe that is because we hae no time, and our house is a f'cking mess. one grandparent has alzheimers , one grandparent on other side has cancer.

please send your relatives my way.

I'll see your ill parents and will raise you four dead ones between DH and I. Send your ill ones my way. See? You lose the Pity Olympics, too.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't consider that type of stuff helpful, either! Controlling and nosy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't consider that type of stuff helpful, either! Controlling and nosy.

and disrespectful and presumptuous....

But it sounds as though Op has a handle on it and with any luck this time things will go a lot better.

[Anonymous]

When I first read your post, I thought, oh, BFD, it's nice that MIL is trying to help you clean, blah blah blah. Then I hit the part where she threw out your comfort food. Wut?! Oh, hell no. I would have your DH ask her not to throw ANY food out. Sticky notes is a good solution too.

[Anonymous]

This is my MIL, who did eerily similar stuff when she visited when DD was born. Down to:

Rearranging everything. EVERYTHING. Every last cabinet, closet, and drawer.

Removing all of DH's clothing from our closet, and moving it to a basement closet. This was truly bizarre, and the only rationale I can think of, is this is how it works for her and FIL--FIL's clothes are in a different room, where he has to go dress every day.

Going through mail in my car.

Rearranging baby clothes, taking tags off newborn items I was going to return, because DD was born big.

Re-washing clothing that was already clean.

I could almost live with all this, but then I had to go back to the hospital after DD came home, and I discovered MIL sleeping with my newborn in her bed. Literally, with the comforter over my baby's face. WTF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't consider that type of stuff helpful, either! Controlling and nosy.

Does it have to be either/ or?

Why does it have to be controlling or nosy? Can't it just be misguided? I trust those on this board that jump to the "controlling, no boundaries, MIL MUST have NPD" knee jerk response aren't as drama free as they would like to assume about themselves too.

It helps to assume, until given plenty of evidence otherwise, that your DH's family has best intentions. Now if those intentions make you uncomfy, a little chat could help but it doesn't need to be some giant dramatic production. Just let them know you sort of have grown up a different way and its not something you really care for but be thankful that they thought of you in that way to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either accept their help in the form it comes in or decline it. You can't custom tailor people to your desires. I'm sure these are coping mechanisms for her as well as expressions of love. If there are one or two things that are really important, like the food, put a note on it saying, "Mom's apple pie- do not toss." Other than that, you are setting yourself up for a misunderstanding and frustration.

+1

And please send them over to my house. You would not believe some of the nasty, selfish things that came out of my MILs house when I gave birth. She could not be in the birthing room, with her camera pointed at my privates, so she literally had a child's hissy fit. THAT spoke volumes. Quite frankly, it was all I needed to know. She certainly was not going to lift a finger cleaning or preparing anything, as she doesn't even do so in her own house. Keep things in perspective and try to appreciate the help, OP. Or hire someone to come in and help. Your choice.

Stop. Stop inserting your life, your relationships, your stories into this. It's not about you. It's about OP. She has stated time and again that she is appreciative and grateful. That doesn't mean she has to like every single thing her ILs do or say.

+1

There is more than one type of IL problem. PP, you've got a special toxic MIL, and I'm sorry. OP has more moderate issues--but they are still legitimate problems. You wish you had those problems, I get it, but they are still problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't consider that type of stuff helpful, either! Controlling and nosy.

Does it have to be either/ or?

Why does it have to be controlling or nosy? Can't it just be misguided? I trust those on this board that jump to the "controlling, no boundaries, MIL MUST have NPD" knee jerk response aren't as drama free as they would like to assume about themselves too.

It helps to assume, until given plenty of evidence otherwise, that your DH's family has best intentions. Now if those intentions make you uncomfy, a little chat could help but it doesn't need to be some giant dramatic production. Just let them know you sort of have grown up a different way and its not something you really care for but be thankful that they thought of you in that way to help.

I'm sorry but going through another grown up's closets/medicine cabinets, stripping their bed and remaking it is....weird. You don't go into another person's house and go through their things like that UNLESS you have some serious boundary issues. To ASSume that people don't care if you go through their things while they are hospitalized is truly bizarre. No - that is not o.k. That is an invasion of privacy. That is an invasion of trust. And it is completely ridiculous and out of line to do that to a person who is hospitalized and already has enough to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't consider that type of stuff helpful, either! Controlling and nosy.

Does it have to be either/ or?

Why does it have to be controlling or nosy? Can't it just be misguided? I trust those on this board that jump to the "controlling, no boundaries, MIL MUST have NPD" knee jerk response aren't as drama free as they would like to assume about themselves too.

It helps to assume, until given plenty of evidence otherwise, that your DH's family has best intentions. Now if those intentions make you uncomfy, a little chat could help but it doesn't need to be some giant dramatic production. Just let them know you sort of have grown up a different way and its not something you really care for but be thankful that they thought of you in that way to help.

I'm sorry but going through another grown up's closets/medicine cabinets, stripping their bed and remaking it is....weird. You don't go into another person's house and go through their things like that UNLESS you have some serious boundary issues. To ASSume that people don't care if you go through their things while they are hospitalized is truly bizarre. No - that is not o.k. That is an invasion of privacy. That is an invasion of trust. And it is completely ridiculous and out of line to do that to a person who is hospitalized and already has enough to worry about.

+1

Let's actually look logically at motives/intentions.

If you clean something that is already clean, you are essentially saying, "This isn't clean to MY standard, and MY standard is right. I am taking charge of this situation. Same deal with reorganizing something in someone else's home. It is saying, "You're doing this wrong, I'M here to do it my way, which is RIGHT."

What does reorganizing a closet or a medicine cabinet have to do with new baby coming home? NOTHING!

If you go through someone's cleaned/organized fridge and freezer, and throw out food because YOU "don't know what it is," you are saying, "I know better than you. This is now my territory, because you don't know what you're doing." Obviously, if milk has gone bad or leftovers have mold on them, that is different. But a clean, organized fridge/freezer doesn't need anyone to clean or organize it!

Going into someone's bedroom unless there is a clear reason to do so is just an unnecessary thing to do. There are private and public spaces in homes. Even if you are family visiting, or visiting to help, you need to stay in the public spaces unless you are asked to help or are given permission to help in the private spaces. If MIL had taken a quick glance in the bedroom to make sure it was orderly for DIL's return from hospital, that is one thing...but the second she saw a clean, MADE BED, she should have left the room. Period.

FIL is bored and "needs a project"? Nope. It's called bring a book, or *ASK* if there is a project you can help with around the house. It's not his house to "fix" or "improve." Do we even know the guy is actually handy? No. He could very well be messing things up. People need to bring books, iPads, their own small projects to occupy themselves in someone else's home when they are there to help, and stick with what actually needs to be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Either accept their help in the form it comes in or decline it. You can't custom tailor people to your desires. I'm sure these are coping mechanisms for her as well as expressions of love. If there are one or two things that are really important, like the food, put a note on it saying, "Mom's apple pie- do not toss." Other than that, you are setting yourself up for a misunderstanding and frustration.

+1

And please send them over to my house. You would not believe some of the nasty, selfish things that came out of my MILs house when I gave birth. She could not be in the birthing room, with her camera pointed at my privates, so she literally had a child's hissy fit. THAT spoke volumes. Quite frankly, it was all I needed to know. She certainly was not going to lift a finger cleaning or preparing anything, as she doesn't even do so in her own house. Keep things in perspective and try to appreciate the help, OP. Or hire someone to come in and help. Your choice.

Stop. Stop inserting your life, your relationships, your stories into this. It's not about you. It's about OP. She has stated time and again that she is appreciative and grateful. That doesn't mean she has to like every single thing her ILs do or say.

I don't know. I think I would take direct and unhelpful over sneaky and undermining any day of the week. At least PP's MIL asked to go into that room with a camera. The sneaky one would have gone in the room to say "hi" and covertly left a hidden camera to film it all.

Birth is not the time to be a bitch. Either be nice and help or stay the hell home.

+1

There is more than one type of IL problem. PP, you've got a special toxic MIL, and I'm sorry. OP has more moderate issues--but they are still legitimate problems. You wish you had those problems, I get it, but they are still problems.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is similar to yours, OP. Genuinely trying to be helpful, can't ever sit still, but oblivious to our different preferences. Regarding the bedroom issue, at their house the MBR is basically an extension of the family room--it opens onto it, and they keep the door open all day long (often even at night) and the room is always spotless. I am a VERY private person, our MBR is on a different floor of the house, and I consider it my "retreat". My DH had to tell her early on not to go in there, and I think she was a little hurt at first but hasn't done it again. Ditto my laundry (although I let her do DHs and the kids if she wants).

Since your MIL sounds a lot like mine, the main thing I want to add to what the other posters are saying is -- even though she is coming to help care for your toddler, you should be prepared for her not to do a great job at that. My MIL is great with the kids when she does actually spend time with them, but it seems like she would rather be cleaning/organizing/etc. She came up for 10 days after a move, and wouldn't take the kids off our hands (so WE could unpack) unless we explicitly asked her to. Even then, she'd often drift toward the laundry or the kitchen and I'd have to drop what I was doing to keep the kids out of our construction zones. It was very frustrating.

My suggestion would be to plan outings or errands she can do with your toddler, at least one each day after you are home. Groceries, target, etc. Get them *out of the house*, so you can rest/relax. Then plan another hour or so later in the day where you take the toddler for some planned one on one time (much needed after the new baby arrives) and she can clean/do laundry/etc. Grandpa and DH can snuggle the new baby then.

Accept that you can't change her, set your firm limits (don't go in the bedroom, don't throw away food, don't mess with the baby's room), and guide the rest of her energies to everyones benefit. And maybe try to do something nice for her toward the end of the trip--I got my MIL hooked on manicures so I'd take her for a spa hour--to emphasize your gratitude. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

You-all are making me feel bad. I stayed with the kids when my son and DIL got married, and now I'm afraid I did stuff. The kids share acroom, and the baby gets up at night. I asked the kids if I could sleep in their bed, cause the guest room bed is high and tiny, so that I could bring the baby into it at night without worrying that she'd fall out. They said yes, and I changed the sheets before and after, but....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You-all are making me feel bad. I stayed with the kids when my son and DIL got married, and now I'm afraid I did stuff. The kids share acroom, and the baby gets up at night. I asked the kids if I could sleep in their bed, cause the guest room bed is high and tiny, so that I could bring the baby into it at night without worrying that she'd fall out. They said yes, and I changed the sheets before and after, but....

I'm sure your intentions were good, but you should never have asked *the kids* if you could have shared their bed, you should have asked *the parents.* Why were you bringing baby into the bed with you, without asking?! My baby does NOT co-sleep, and if anyone took her into bed with them without my permission, I'd be livid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You-all are making me feel bad. I stayed with the kids when my son and DIL got married, and now I'm afraid I did stuff. The kids share acroom, and the baby gets up at night. I asked the kids if I could sleep in their bed, cause the guest room bed is high and tiny, so that I could bring the baby into it at night without worrying that she'd fall out. They said yes, and I changed the sheets before and after, but....

You were a sweetheart, do not feel bad! They asked you to help with the kids and that is exactly what you did. I'm sure they appreciate that! And I hope to be able to do something similar for my own boys and their wives when they start families.

The things people are getting up in arms about are the MILs who come into the house and go through their things, go into private bedrooms and medicine cabinets and "organize" without asking. Surely you can see how that would be intrusive...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is similar to yours, OP. Genuinely trying to be helpful, can't ever sit still, but oblivious to our different preferences. Regarding the bedroom issue, at their house the MBR is basically an extension of the family room--it opens onto it, and they keep the door open all day long (often even at night) and the room is always spotless. I am a VERY private person, our MBR is on a different floor of the house, and I consider it my "retreat". My DH had to tell her early on not to go in there, and I think she was a little hurt at first but hasn't done it again. Ditto my laundry (although I let her do DHs and the kids if she wants).

Since your MIL sounds a lot like mine, the main thing I want to add to what the other posters are saying is -- even though she is coming to help care for your toddler, you should be prepared for her not to do a great job at that. My MIL is great with the kids when she does actually spend time with them, but it seems like she would rather be cleaning/organizing/etc. She came up for 10 days after a move, and wouldn't take the kids off our hands (so WE could unpack) unless we explicitly asked her to. Even then, she'd often drift toward the laundry or the kitchen and I'd have to drop what I was doing to keep the kids out of our construction zones. It was very frustrating.

My suggestion would be to plan outings or errands she can do with your toddler, at least one each day after you are home. Groceries, target, etc. Get them *out of the house*, so you can rest/relax. Then plan another hour or so later in the day where you take the toddler for some planned one on one time (much needed after the new baby arrives) and she can clean/do laundry/etc. Grandpa and DH can snuggle the new baby then.

Accept that you can't change her, set your firm limits (don't go in the bedroom, don't throw away food, don't mess with the baby's room), and guide the rest of her energies to everyones benefit. And maybe try to do something nice for her toward the end of the trip--I got my MIL hooked on manicures so I'd take her for a spa hour--to emphasize your gratitude. Good luck!

I'm not going to freak if someone walks through my MBR when the door is opened - it isn't immaculate but it is usually not too awful. But if that door is closed = please stay out. And of course stay out of my closet..haha. Duh.