IL's in my house during my hospital stay

[Anonymous]

I'm about to give birth to DC #2. My IL's are coming to stay with my toddler while I'm in the hospital (planned C), which is very kind and helpful of them. They are good grandparents, and I do appreciate the help.

However, last time I was in the hospital, they "took over" my house and did a ton of things I didn't want them to do, and it was really irritating and stressful. I am hoping to find strategies to avoid this dynamic this time around, because it made a very difficult time even harder.

1) Despite me telling her that the house was fully clean, my MIL felt the need to "re-clean" everything; including closets and bathroom cabinets
2) She put new sheets on our master bedroom bed, even though the bed was freshly made. I really didn't like that she went into our bedroom without permission, for absolutely no reason.
3) She "cleaned out" my clean/organized fridge and freezer, and even tossed some items that my mom had made for me because "she didn't know what they were." So when I was craving comfort food in the form of my mom's cooking, it was not available to me. (My parents are coming out a bit later this time, and that was the case last time, too.)
4) She re-washed all of the baby clothes--which I had already washed and hung in the closet according to size (NB, 0-3, 3 months, etc.) and even hung back on the corresponding, sized store hangers, and didn't re-size them, so everything was "unsized" in the closet I had worked really hard on. I even told her what I had done, but she said washing them two weeks out left them "dusty."
5) FIL took it upon himself to do all sorts of "projects" around the house, making things messy and disruptive when I just needed things to be quiet, clean and calm.

So I'm glad they are coming to help out, but I do NOT want any "extra" help. DH is on board to talk to them with me about this ahead of time, but I am having trouble thinking of how best to convey that I'm grateful for help, but I don't want any of this "extra stuff" to happen again.

Thoughts? Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Either accept their help in the form it comes in or decline it. You can't custom tailor people to your desires. I'm sure these are coping mechanisms for her as well as expressions of love. If there are one or two things that are really important, like the food, put a note on it saying, "Mom's apple pie- do not toss." Other than that, you are setting yourself up for a misunderstanding and frustration.

[Anonymous]

I'd pick my battles. MIL is clearly controlling but she is doing you a favor.

I agree with the labels on food you want kept.
I'd just get over the bed and cabinet thing (just make sure nothing remotely compromising will be found -- put it in sealed cardboard boxes in the basement or something)

Tell her you just washed the clothes *the day before* and that they are carefully arranged. Ask her to please not to go to the trouble.

Then what I'd do is give her some things TO do so that she can feel occupied that aren't demeaning. Can she cook? Is there a rusty doorhinge far from you (in the basement) FIL can occupy himself with so he feels useful but doesn't annoy?
Can she take your toddler on a special outing?

I'd also have DH go home and check on things periodically and try to run interference before you get home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd pick my battles. MIL is clearly controlling but she is doing you a favor.

I agree with the labels on food you want kept.
I'd just get over the bed and cabinet thing (just make sure nothing remotely compromising will be found -- put it in sealed cardboard boxes in the basement or something)

Tell her you just washed the clothes *the day before* and that they are carefully arranged. Ask her to please not to go to the trouble.

Then what I'd do is give her some things TO do so that she can feel occupied that aren't demeaning. Can she cook? Is there a rusty doorhinge far from you (in the basement) FIL can occupy himself with so he feels useful but doesn't annoy?
Can she take your toddler on a special outing?

I'd also have DH go home and check on things periodically and try to run interference before you get home.

Yup, let DH handle it.

[Anonymous]

Can you send them to our house? I'd love the help.

[Anonymous]

They are clearly bored and trying to help. I would give them a list of things you want them to do so they don't go off and disrupt things you have already done. Be very specific if there are things you don't want them to touch. Hopefully it will be different this time since they will presumably be watching your toddler. Give them some ideas for places to take your toddler so they are not hanging around your house trying to "help"

[Anonymous]

OP, just let this go. They probably just want something to keep themselves occupied. It's really not worth the angst over something so minor in the grand scheme of things.

[Anonymous]

Pick your battles is good advice. Ask her to leave your fridge alone, and explain that there are some items in there that you specifically would be very sad to have thrown out. Also tell her that you have worked on the baby's room/closet and everything there is perfectly the way you want it, and she should leave it alone. I would let the other things go, like the changing sheets. This time around they will be busy with your toddler, so if you are able to come up with some specific things for them to do with your toddler to keep them extra busy, why don't you give them a list.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you have great in-laws. I wish I had that kind of help! Here's what I would do:

Set up a couple projects that you need completed for them to work on. If you own a home, surely there's something you've been meaning to do but just haven't gotten to. Or create something - give her a linen closet to organize or ask her to make some dishes to freeze. Ask him to put together a piece of furniture or fix something in the garage, etc.

And if there's something in the fridge you don't want touched, then label it so MIL knows to leave it alone.

The not wanting her to enter your bedroom thing is sort of weird to me. This woman is in your home caring for your child.

[Anonymous]

Now with a toddler to watch I suspect MIL will not have time to do all this stuff. I'd ask DH to tell her to keep out of your bedroom and not touch any of the baby clothes, but honestly, I wouldn't worry so much....

[Anonymous]

I would be tempted to leave her some legitimate messes to "work" on. Crayon markings all over a wall - hand her a Magic Eraser on your way out the door "MIL, would you be a dear and take care of that for me?". That and your first born should keep her busy.

[Anonymous]

That would seriously drive me crazy too!

1. Label the fridge things with a big "DO NOT THROW OUT" sign.
2. Label the cupboard with "DO NOT TOUCH BABY'S THINGS!"
3. And other signs you may wish to put up...

[Anonymous]

Oh, OP, I so feel for you. I hate having my space messed up, especially after I have invested time in organizing everything. (My MIL, who is halfway decent in most ways, is also a complete snoop and would go through every drawer, every file, everything. I've taken to locking things in my desk drawer if she's ever home without me there.)

I'd make up something written that you can give your husband with "Helpful hints" or something, that he presents to them. Have some of it be actually helpful hints -- like:

1) Toddler Advil is in the cabinet above the dishwasher. Please give 2.5ml in the dropper every 6 hours if needed.

2) All of the infant clothes in Junior's closet were just washed and organized. No need to do anything in there.

3) All of the linens on the beds were changed yesterday.

4) Extra pullups for Sam are in his bedroom closet. Extra sheets and puddle pads for his bed are in the bottom drawer of the white dresser.

5) All of the food in the refrigerator is fresh. The casserole dishes are Linda's favorite food for when she comes home from the hospital - please save.

The unnecessary cleaning you may have to just forgive, but at least this way they won't undo work you've already done.

As for bedroom boundaries, the funniest advice a read here once was to leave a dildo somewhere. Inlaws tend to avoid places where they might find surprise sex toys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm about to give birth to DC #2. My IL's are coming to stay with my toddler while I'm in the hospital (planned C), which is very kind and helpful of them. They are good grandparents, and I do appreciate the help.

However, last time I was in the hospital, they "took over" my house and did a ton of things I didn't want them to do, and it was really irritating and stressful. I am hoping to find strategies to avoid this dynamic this time around, because it made a very difficult time even harder.

1) Despite me telling her that the house was fully clean, my MIL felt the need to "re-clean" everything; including closets and bathroom cabinets
2) She put new sheets on our master bedroom bed, even though the bed was freshly made. I really didn't like that she went into our bedroom without permission, for absolutely no reason.
3) She "cleaned out" my clean/organized fridge and freezer, and even tossed some items that my mom had made for me because "she didn't know what they were." So when I was craving comfort food in the form of my mom's cooking, it was not available to me. (My parents are coming out a bit later this time, and that was the case last time, too.)
4) She re-washed all of the baby clothes--which I had already washed and hung in the closet according to size (NB, 0-3, 3 months, etc.) and even hung back on the corresponding, sized store hangers, and didn't re-size them, so everything was "unsized" in the closet I had worked really hard on. I even told her what I had done, but she said washing them two weeks out left them "dusty."
5) FIL took it upon himself to do all sorts of "projects" around the house, making things messy and disruptive when I just needed things to be quiet, clean and calm.

So I'm glad they are coming to help out, but I do NOT want any "extra" help. DH is on board to talk to them with me about this ahead of time, but I am having trouble thinking of how best to convey that I'm grateful for help, but I don't want any of this "extra stuff" to happen again.

Thoughts? Thank you!

This sounds kindof my in-laws. They love to organize stuff around and when I try to look for things, I cannot find it. I hate it

[Anonymous]

OP, she sounds like she needs things to do. If you want her not to clean, then you should find things that she can keep herself occupied with. My MIL has this problem - as do I, which makes me miserable when I visit others and have too much downtime.