Reply to LD wife working on relationship- just found about DH "emotional affair"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I've read through this forum with a mix of bemusement and optimism.  As a veteran of two marriages and several affairs (judge as you wish), I can tell you that your marriage will likely survive...if changes are made.
You mention that you found your DH's location by pinging his phone.  This alone tells me that he is an affair rookie.  Really?!  Turning off location is covered the first day of affair 101.
My guess is that you guys married young, or before one of you had a significant life change.  He likely grew into someone with more confidence/power/money than when you met.  You didn't notice or appreciate the transformation, and someone else did.  What he did was socially wrong and hurtful, but I wonder if it was out of desperation for understanding, validation, approval.
If you want the relationship to survive, get a good counselor who doesn't judge either of you too harshly.  Both of you need to realize and appreciate what you offer each other in the relationship.  Don't expect overnight change.  Be suspicious of him, but don't hobble him with harsh restrictions (tracking programs, curfews, friend restrictions, etc).  If he feels repressed, he will not stick around (speaking from personal history).
Good luck to both of you![/quote]

OP here-
you hit the nail on the head (mostly)! We did not marry young- actually in our late 30s. But he did gain confidence, better job over the course of our marriage. He tells me today that I didn't show enough approval/awe/wonder at this transformation- even though I have been by his side every step of the way.  His coworker, (AP) is in awe of him and all that he does on a daily basis. It seems pretty unfair to me that he doesn't want to let this friendship with his coworker go (because he gets so much validation from her). It is his insecurity that we have to deal with now[/quote]

OP, I do not think you can get past this without him cutting off the "friendship."  The fact that he won't do that one thing speaks volumes.  I personally would not be able to handle that.  It could turn you into a nervous wreck who is snooping constantly and could turn him more against you.  It's not fair to you at all.  It is incredibly disrespectful to you.  In fact, working with her should be off the table.  But if he refuses to do that for you (or you don't feel like you can ask that of him), at the very least he should distance himself professionally from her and not have any contact other than strictly professional.  That, to me at least, would mean he shouldn't go to happy hours where she attends, etc.  Does her husband know about this?

I have not read this book myself, but have seen it recommended by many others in a similar situation, so I am putting it out there for you - it's called Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.  Maybe it will help.[/quote]

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