Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic - SHTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you even say "our family dynamic" without recognizing that they are now FAMILY is telling...and disturbing.

Okay, what should I say instead? I am dealing with a very stressful issue here and I am about the only one in the family who is still trying to deal with it. Everyone else has written them off. Why exactly is that disturbing?

What's disturbing is that a family dynamic must gore and change and adapt and expand to include all of its members--warts and all. You seem to think it is closed, fixed and limited, and that only "perfect" people can be accepted.

Those boys are children. Children who come from a broken home. And you are going out of your way to exclude them.

Do what you will, but don't wonder why there is now drama, hurt and anger.

Attitudes like this make me crazy. What about the accountability of the SIL and the two boys who are causing the drama, hurt and anger. What about their rude behavior and the turmoil they have thrown their family into.

For two threads this OP has asked for advice on how to include them, how to make it better, what to do. So where exactly do you get "You seem to think it is closed, fixed and limited, and that only "perfect" people can be accepted. and "And you are going out of your way to exclude them."?

Being so disruptive that no one can enjoy a vacation or a family event is not something to be accepted. How exactly should a family "grow and change" in that? Stop having family events? Let them run all over everyone elses good time? Oh I know, they should all eat nuggets and fries at each meal and do nothing but play video games. What a jerk OP and her family are for not doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would it matter if the 2 boys were on the ipads all night? Seems like a fine solution to me-- whole family is invited, grandpa will get a few family pictures with all grandkids, etc., then the 2 boys can go off to the study if they want and watch videos. Who cares? I wouldn't have died on this hill.

Agree with this.

It feels like you and your family are trying to impose how you behave/act on these boys. Instead of being so focused on them acting the way you want them to, why not focus on how important it is to set a good example for them and hope they start to come around?

Whether you like it or not, they are now part of your extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you even say "our family dynamic" without recognizing that they are now FAMILY is telling...and disturbing.

+100000 As a stepchild twice over, that effing sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you even say "our family dynamic" without recognizing that they are now FAMILY is telling...and disturbing.

+100000 As a stepchild twice over, that effing sucks.

The OPnever said "our family dynamic" they have also done everything possible to be welcoming and accommodating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the first PP. I get that this is a very annoying dynamic for you, but again, why pick this major family event to make your point.
You are having the event catered- -so just request 2 kids meals with chicken fingers (or whatever).
Kids can bring ipads with headphones. When they get bored, they can sit at the table with them. Who cares?

My son was the ring bearer in a no-kids-but-him adult wedding. After the dinner (which he sat through with no problem), I let him sit at the table with an ipad and headphones while the adults danced and talked. No one gave a crap.

Again, I will explain. If they don't have tyson's chicken nuggets and kraft boxed macaroni they will not eat and they will cry and throw things. Even food. When playing games, even with headphones, they scream and yell and throw things. iPads always go so far with them too, they then want their consoles and want to leave and will start crying and screaming (I'm not kidding here, screaming) and kicking their mom if they don't. They also fart and belch all the time, including at the table. They bully their step sisters, they hit their mother. I have never been to any event with them that they have not done these things.

The issue is these children cannot behave. They don't even behave at church. They play on their phones or ipads, they talk, make noise, fart. Its not like I can invite them to this event and hope they are like your son and "no one will give a crap"

It probably wouldn't have been better to invite them, let them sit away from the group at their own private table (SIL could have brought nuggets and mac & cheese for them) and if they had acted up - THEN you could have asked SIL to please take them home.

In fact, you should have been asking her to take them home whenever they were disruptive - at church, another person's house, wherever. The precedent would have been set and SIL would have incentive to try to reign her kids in or at least figure out how to keep them appeased. Her problem.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda. I totally get why you talked to SIL. I really do. But in doing so you were taking a risk that you might offend her and that was what happened. Honestly, since SIL seems to be pretty clueless and self centered to even consider allowing her kids to wreck a party like this with their poor behavior I really think that this was going to happen with her at some point anyway. She could have gotten offended simply because you placed her boys at a table all by themselves while the larger group (including the other kids) all ate together. I think that would be an embarrassing arrangement for most parents to have their kids singled out like that. Yet, you couldn't expect the well behaved kids to sit with them and be abused.

You were in a lose-lose situation with SIL. Believe me, I love kids and I am sympathetic to the occasional outburst but what you are describing with these boys and SIL's way of handling them (consistently allowing them to ruin things for others) is not acceptable.

[Anonymous]

^Probably WOULD have been better...

[Anonymous]

I would be ridiculously offended if I married into a family and my kids weren't considered family. I think you're in the wrong.

Instead I think that when the kids are bad, you need to either take them outside or tell your new SIL that it's not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would it matter if the 2 boys were on the ipads all night? Seems like a fine solution to me-- whole family is invited, grandpa will get a few family pictures with all grandkids, etc., then the 2 boys can go off to the study if they want and watch videos. Who cares? I wouldn't have died on this hill.

Agree with this.

It feels like you and your family are trying to impose how you behave/act on these boys. Instead of being so focused on them acting the way you want them to, why not focus on how important it is to set a good example for them and hope they start to come around?

Whether you like it or not, they are now part of your extended family.

I think if the kids would just sit quietly, eat their nuggets and play on their ipads that would be fine and very unreasonable for Op to ban their ipads. Problem is, these kids fart/belch/hit/scream/cry/whine/bully and otherwise act up at the table.

Would you want to sit at the same table with a couple of kids who were behaving like that? Would you put them at a separate table? Would you expect your own kids to just deal with it and sit with them?

[Anonymous]

I think you have to stop tap-dancing around this. Talk to your BIL (or have your husband talk to him, since it's his brother). Explain that you love him and you want to make his wife and stepsons feel part of your family, but right now their behavior makes it impossible to include them in this event. Ignore the video games and picky eating and focus on the yelling, screaming, and assaulting other people. Tell him you are willing to do whatever you can to help, but you do not want this particular special event ruined. Period. If he decides he doesn't want to come at all, that's his choice. You can't control his reaction, you can only control yours.

[Anonymous]

I have t read this whole thread, but it seems BIL is getting a pass here. Why not talk to him about keeping an eye on the boys and if they act up to take them out for a bit? I'm sure he doesn't want to rock the boat at home but he should be looking out for his wife and other children. Somebody needs to be the adult in his new mixed family, especially if those boys live with him. I'm sure he recognizes their disruptive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you even say "our family dynamic" without recognizing that they are now FAMILY is telling...and disturbing.

+100000 As a stepchild twice over, that effing sucks.

The OPnever said "our family dynamic" they have also done everything possible to be welcoming and accommodating.

But ONLY if the boys aren't the kids they are. If they were "proper" boys there would be no problem.

Why couldn't the boys be allowed to attend but have there devices in another room?

As pp said, this event was not the time to take a stand against a new party the family.

[Anonymous]

^new part of the family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be ridiculously offended if I married into a family and my kids weren't considered family. I think you're in the wrong.

Instead I think that when the kids are bad, you need to either take them outside or tell your new SIL that it's not okay.

This situation is a rocky one. The OP's BIL was a widower with three little girls when he remarried. The new SIL and her two boys were likely abused in a previous relationship(s). They bought extra baggage into the new step family household.

The new SIL continues to ignore the fact that she and her boys need help. Her new husband, the OP's BIL (the OP's brother's brother) is struggling with the fact that not only does everybody have to adjust to this new blended family, but that his new wife and step sons need intervention and that they are defiant against any corrections from anybody.

In addition, not only are the nearly teen boys oppositional, but they both are very overweight. Family meals with extended family are a battle.

When the OP or others offer them healthier food options, similar things that the other kids eat, they throw temper tantrums or throw their food on the floor because they only want to eat fast food. When these boys are encouraged to participate in outdoor activities with the other kids, they decline always preferring to stay inside and sit and play with their electronics instead. They don't want to socialize and are ill-mannered when they are forced to.

[Anonymous]

If you don't invite them all, your relationship with your BIL and his wife will suffer. If you DH is ok with that, go that route.

If you want to preserve your relationship, you need to invite the entire family. Find a way to accommodate the boys. Don't expect SIL to magically become a good parent. She won't. Expect them to act horribly. Plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are an a@@@$&8@ Op.

and you are a moron. read the other thread. OP is going above and beyond here.