Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic - SHTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait...this is for your father, but the problematic family is your husband's brother's family? That makes no sense. Just invite your family.

Yes, thats correct. As I explained, DH and his brother don't have any family close out here and my parents have been welcoming to his brother from the get go. My nieces look at my parents as an extra set of grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Then you are just creating unnecessary drama. Just have a party for your family.

[Anonymous]

Might be time to stop including the inlaws in your family celebrations. Include for some things, but not everything. 4th of July BBQ, sure why not, Christmas, no way.

[Anonymous]

OP again here. I am venting now. You all have no idea how stressful this has been on our family.

We are big happy close family. We enjoy holidays together, special trips, Sunday dinners, summers at our family home.

Everyone was thrilled when BIL was getting remarried. It was obvious her boys were pretty set in their ways. Still everyone did everything they could to accommodate them. My two boys are very close in age to them and they did everything to make them feel welcome. Eventually they were so miserable my DH praised them for their effort but told them enough was enough.

Seriously every family get together with them is nothing but stress. Arguments, tantrums and tears. It is so awkward and uncomfortable.

I am at a rock and a hard place here. I cannot do an adults only party. I've been planning this big birthday for about a year for my dad. I've found friends he hasn't seen in years and invited them. There will be two acoustic performances and I would be horrified for the bands/artists to hear these boys screaming/laughing whatever in the background. Each grandchild is doing something special. A poem, a song, a dance. We have a "movie" of his life. His favorite sit down meal.

If I invited all of them - I have no doubt the boys would have ruined it and my SIL has no qualms about crying and arguing with her husband in front of others.

If I invited none of them - she would have wondered why and eventually the same drama of exclusion would have happened.

So compromised and hoped for once my SIL would get it and admit that maybe just maybe her boys cannot behave and something needs to change.

I get that this is DCUM and all but calling me an asshole and dreadful is really unfair. Think if you were in this situation. I have done everything I can here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait...this is for your father, but the problematic family is your husband's brother's family? That makes no sense. Just invite your family.

In the OP's original thread, she explained that after her SIL died, she and her own family and her parents and other extended family members continued to attend church and Sunday dinners, holidays and vacations together.

Her parents embraced her BIL and his family many years ago and family relations with everybody had been great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then you are just creating unnecessary drama. Just have a party for your family.

OP isn't causing any drama. Her BIL's wife is. How you can't see that is pretty baffling.

[Anonymous]

Why are you posting this, OP? You made your decision. Deal with the fall-out. You're just being defensive and self-righteous here. You aren't learning or taking anything in. Just go live your choices.

[Anonymous]

Op: what's done is done. I hope your dad has a lovely party.
Meanwhile, it sounds to me like there is something more going on with the two guys than just a mom who won't correct them. The severely restricted foods, the severely restricted interests, the inappropriate social behavior, the tantrums- has anyone considered they may have developmental deficits or emotional disabilities and their mom and step dad may not know how to most effectively help them.
The larger and older they get, the less society at large will put up with hitting other people and throwing objects during tantrums. Family counseling doesn't really address this. Would your husband consider suggesting consultation by a behavioral psychologist who could,come up with strategies to teach the parents effective strategies and the kids alternate behaviors? Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you posting this, OP? You made your decision. Deal with the fall-out. You're just being defensive and self-righteous here. You aren't learning or taking anything in. Just go live your choices.

What should OP learn from this? That people are shitty and don't take responsibility for themselves so they get to ruin other peoples fun? I don't blame here for being defensive. She's done everything she can and people are making her out to be the villain. She has exhibited way more patience than I would have in this situation.

How is she being self righteous? She is totally in the right here and she has asked for help in dealing with it and asked for a bit of compassion in a situation that seems like a very stressful one. She probably posted here to vent and not put it on her family. I don't blame her.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I didn't read the original thread and am only joining this thread now.

OP, you did what you thought was right for the greater good of your original family. However, to achieve that goal, you did in fact offend your SIL and put your BIL in the position that he had to make a stand to support his new wife. While you did what was in the best interest of the majority, you did something offensive. Unfortunately, here you as the instigator, do have to bear the brunt of your SIL's anger because you offended her. As you can see from the support you're getting, many do agree with your position, but that doesn't make it right, just that it may have been the best option you had at the time. Again, unfortunately, you do have to bear the consequences.

However, an alternative is to have you and your father and your brother sit down with BIL and SIL, adults only, kids not included. Apologize for offending her. Then have a frank discussion that while you as a family are supportive of BIL and his marriage and that you want to include them when possible, that the children's behavior has made it virtually impossible to have a conflict free event such as this birthday. They, the family can be included at other family events when the children's disruptive behavior will not completely disrupt the celebration. If they, the new parents, want to take responsibility for the two children and to ensure that they are not disruptive at the event, the entire family can be included. But that responsiblility means that they have to monitor their children and if they are having tantrums, throwing things, being abusive (to anyone) or otherwise disruptive that it is their responsibility as parents to take those children out of the room or event and calm them down someway, somehow. If they feel that they are not up to that responsibility, then the boys should stay home. If they feel they can handle that responsibility, then they can bring the entire family.

Then leave it up to them to make the choice to either accept the responsibility or exclude the children. The reason that you offended them, was, in part, because you took the choice away from them to handle the problem situation. You unilaterally (from their perspective) made the choice to exclude the boys rather than identifying the issue and soliciting their help in solving the problem. You had the best of intentions and had the best interests of the majority in mind, but you did it in a way that gave the offending family no options.

[Anonymous]

^ The above is good advice for the OP.

I however disagree that she offended them. Also, if you read the OP she did say she was fine with them attending with iPads if the SIL made sure they weren't rude and the SIL agreed that it wouldn't be good for them to go!

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a very pleasant and well adjusted individual. Your family sounds great and your party will be fantastic! Have fun and celebrate your father. You did your best and it is unfair to allow someone of any age to be so disruptive. You bet I would have done the same. I think you have handled the situation with class.

[Anonymous]

Some people thrive on chaos and drama. Some people love to fight and argue and be the loudest one in the room to get their way. From both threads your SIL sounds passive aggressive and like a drama queen. Her boys are being obnoxious because that behavior is rewarded and even craved and thrived on.

You are right OP, you were screwed no matter what you did. Your SIL is an asshole for agreeing with you, not taking the compromise and then causing drama after the fact. But that apparently is how she functions.

You and your family sound lovely and I understand your need to vent since your entire family is so bound up in this chaos none of you wanted but had thrust upon you. SIL should be over the moon to get to be a part of such a wonderful family and her boys are really missing out.

Don't let people blaming you get you down, you did nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op: what's done is done. I hope your dad has a lovely party.
Meanwhile, it sounds to me like there is something more going on with the two guys than just a mom who won't correct them. The severely restricted foods, the severely restricted interests, the inappropriate social behavior, the tantrums- has anyone considered they may have developmental deficits or emotional disabilities and their mom and step dad may not know how to most effectively help them.
The larger and older they get, the less society at large will put up with hitting other people and throwing objects during tantrums. Family counseling doesn't really address this. Would your husband consider suggesting consultation by a behavioral psychologist who could,come up with strategies to teach the parents effective strategies and the kids alternate behaviors? Just a thought.

This. I am surprised no one has suggested it yet. I don't think it is developmental, I think it might be emotional. I think in a way these boys have been neglected by being over indulged. I think from the original thread they were 10 and 12ish, right? That is way too old to be such extreme picky eaters, but that is where they have control, no wonder they are obese. At that age they should be able to set aside games for a couple of hours and go on a hike or sit through a movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you even say "our family dynamic" without recognizing that they are now FAMILY is telling...and disturbing.

No where did the OP say "our family dynamic" and seems like she is bending over backwards to the point of stressing herself out to make sure they ARE included in the family.