Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic - SHTF

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP from this thread: http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/490410.page "How do you deal with a situation that is affecting you but its really none of your business?"

Summary: My BIL (DH's brother) married a woman with two children who are not fitting in to the family dynamic very well. They bully their three step sisters. Throw fits over food and video games and manipulate their mother quite a bit. None of the other children in the family want to deal with them because they will only participate in video games and get so enraged when they lose at them.

Got great advice in the thread, implemented much of it. No change. DH has tried doing "boy" things with them along with his brother and he was wiped out by their whining and tantrums. Anyway, on to the bigger issue.

So my father's 75th birthday is upcoming and we are throwing a very big party. I was advised in the thread to not invite the two children but I didn't know how to do that without excluding all children. My dad is loves being a grandpa/great uncle and we are a very close family with lots of kids and that didn't feel right. So I spoke to my SIL as gently as I could. I said the boys would likely be bored and that it is being catered. She said they could play on their iPads and again I stressed that this wouldn't be the time or place for that and she agreed. She opened up a bit and said they miss out on a lot because of their "hobby". She said she was absolutely okay with this. I was open to having them there if she made sure they didn't disrupt any of the festivities planned for my dad, but she said it would be best that they didn't attend. They wouldn't enjoy themselves anyway.

A few days later my BIL said if his new family weren't ALL included they wouldn't attend ANYTHING in the future. A big circular argument started between my DH and his brother. Found out SIL was insulted and pissed I would exclude her children and she now wants nothing to do with me. BIL finally broke down and asked his brother what he could do? He couldn't have his mad at him, he had to side with her, but she apparently refuses to even talk this out. What a mess!

I know some people will ask why my DH's brother would attend my father's party. My DH and his brother are the only family they have remotely close. My parents have included his brother since DH and I got together more than 20 years ago. BILs three daughters consider my parents like grandparents. We've always vacationed during the summer at our family home and have family dinners together.

I know I will calm down and be rational about this later but right now I'm just done with the whole situation. We'll all be a lot happier without the stress of what to serve and having family time taken over by games anyway. BUT, I don't want this stress in my family and I don't want my nieces to miss out on family fun and events.

Help?

[Anonymous]

Why would it matter if the 2 boys were on the ipads all night? Seems like a fine solution to me-- whole family is invited, grandpa will get a few family pictures with all grandkids, etc., then the 2 boys can go off to the study if they want and watch videos. Who cares? I wouldn't have died on this hill.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP. It's beyond insulting that you would exclude two of the grandchildren (step or not, they are still your BIL's children). And if they want to disappear into another room on their iPads, I don't see how that's any of your business or hurts anyone other than themselves.

[Anonymous]

I don't get what the shock is here. You didn't want the nephews to attend, you told their mom that, she saw through your efforts to sugarcoat it, and she is now upset with you for doing exactly what you intended to do. Everything that happened afterward is a very foreseeable consequence of your decision to tell the mom not to bring her kids. So what you do now is decide that not have the nephews there is worth the estrangement, own your behavior and move on, or decide it isn't, and call their mother to apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP. It's beyond insulting that you would exclude two of the grandchildren (step or not, they are still your BIL's children). And if they want to disappear into another room on their iPads, I don't see how that's any of your business or hurts anyone other than themselves.

They are not BIL's children, they are his wife's children, and they are bullies. I would not invite them, and/ or say frankly they are not invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would it matter if the 2 boys were on the ipads all night? Seems like a fine solution to me-- whole family is invited, grandpa will get a few family pictures with all grandkids, etc., then the 2 boys can go off to the study if they want and watch videos. Who cares? I wouldn't have died on this hill.

I agree with the PP. It's beyond insulting that you would exclude two of the grandchildren (step or not, they are still your BIL's children). And if they want to disappear into another room on their iPads, I don't see how that's any of your business or hurts anyone other than themselves.

You obviously didn't read the previous thread or the details of this one. To clarify they scream and yell and throw things when something goes wrong in a game. They also hit their mother and throw tantrums when asked to stop playing a game. My fathers birthday is at a venue, we are having live music performances and a presentation of his life and some special things the grandchildren are doing. We are also inviting people he hasn't seen since he retired from the military.

This isn't the place for the boys to tantrum over food or video games.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you even say "our family dynamic" without recognizing that they are now FAMILY is telling...and disturbing.

[Anonymous]

You are an a@@@$&8@ Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get what the shock is here. You didn't want the nephews to attend, you told their mom that, she saw through your efforts to sugarcoat it, and she is now upset with you for doing exactly what you intended to do. Everything that happened afterward is a very foreseeable consequence of your decision to tell the mom not to bring her kids. So what you do now is decide that not have the nephews there is worth the estrangement, own your behavior and move on, or decide it isn't, and call their mother to apologize.

I am not sure why I have to "own my behavior". I was thinking of the comfort of my 75 year old father. He has already had to pull these boys aside for farting in church and belching/being nasty at other times. I was advised in the other thread to NOT invite them. Instead of going the easy for me route and just not putting them on the invite I tried to talk to my SIL.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but if you're inviting some of the children, how can you not invite the two boys? Your BIL's kids? You're inviting the BIL, right? So how could you invite him and his wife but not his kids when all the other kids are invited?

[Anonymous]

I'm confused. This is your dad's party (not your FIL's party) and the kids are your husband's brother's stepchildren? Why would anyone be offended that your husband's brother's wife's kids weren't invited to your father's party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you even say "our family dynamic" without recognizing that they are now FAMILY is telling...and disturbing.

Okay, what should I say instead? I am dealing with a very stressful issue here and I am about the only one in the family who is still trying to deal with it. Everyone else has written them off. Why exactly is that disturbing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are an a@@@$&8@ Op.

Explain why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but if you're inviting some of the children, how can you not invite the two boys? Your BIL's kids? You're inviting the BIL, right? So how could you invite him and his wife but not his kids when all the other kids are invited?

That is what I said in the other thread, still I was advised not to, because they are insufferable and this is a very special birthday for my father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you even say "our family dynamic" without recognizing that they are now FAMILY is telling...and disturbing.

I'm a PP but I am not OP. No, they are not family. OP has every right to limit their involvement, as s/he would with any gathering and with any family/ non-family member who would potentially disrupt an important family gathering.