Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic - SHTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the first PP. I get that this is a very annoying dynamic for you, but again, why pick this major family event to make your point.
You are having the event catered- -so just request 2 kids meals with chicken fingers (or whatever).
Kids can bring ipads with headphones. When they get bored, they can sit at the table with them. Who cares?

My son was the ring bearer in a no-kids-but-him adult wedding. After the dinner (which he sat through with no problem), I let him sit at the table with an ipad and headphones while the adults danced and talked. No one gave a crap.

Again, I will explain. If they don't have tyson's chicken nuggets and kraft boxed macaroni they will not eat and they will cry and throw things. Even food. When playing games, even with headphones, they scream and yell and throw things. iPads always go so far with them too, they then want their consoles and want to leave and will start crying and screaming (I'm not kidding here, screaming) and kicking their mom if they don't. They also fart and belch all the time, including at the table. They bully their step sisters, they hit their mother. I have never been to any event with them that they have not done these things.

The issue is these children cannot behave. They don't even behave at church. They play on their phones or ipads, they talk, make noise, fart. Its not like I can invite them to this event and hope they are like your son and "no one will give a crap"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you even say "our family dynamic" without recognizing that they are now FAMILY is telling...and disturbing.

Okay, what should I say instead? I am dealing with a very stressful issue here and I am about the only one in the family who is still trying to deal with it. Everyone else has written them off. Why exactly is that disturbing?

What's disturbing is that a family dynamic must gore and change and adapt and expand to include all of its members--warts and all. You seem to think it is closed, fixed and limited, and that only "perfect" people can be accepted.

Those boys are children. Children who come from a broken home. And you are going out of your way to exclude them.

Do what you will, but don't wonder why there is now drama, hurt and anger.

So you would be totally cool with their behavior? OP and her family, especially her elderly father, shouldn't be the bad guys here. Also what thread are you reading? OP has done everything she can to include them when others have given up. You seem to be reading/projecting shit that isn't there.

[Anonymous]

I remember that thread. Glad you took some of that advice since you really do care about not offending them even at your own extended family's expense. It's good that both you and your husband are on the same page and that the boy's night out convinced him even more.

I still say that your BIL seems to be in over his head with this new marriage--not just the two surly stepsons but his new wife who throws as many temper tantrums as her boys do.

Unfortunately, it seems that your BIL married a woman with kids who have a lot of extra baggage and who need counseling but your new SIL is in denial and would rather cause family conflict with her new husband's extended family since doing that is part of her dysfunctional background.

Not sure you can fix this. It is your BIL's problem to fix. And he'd better try to get them into counseling; he needs to be protective of your three little nieces since their new stepbrothers are already bullying them.

And FWIW, I don't think your new SIL would have gotten through your dad's celebration without having a meltdown over the most perceived slight anyway. She really sounds like a head case when it comes to her boys. She was probably waiting to cut you and your DH off; it was bound to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Too bad the mother didn't try a little harder not to raise azzholes instead of complain that people don't like her little azzholes...

+1000

I'm sorry OP. From this and your other thread it sounds like you have such a warm and loving family. This is the boys mother's fault and you have to take the fallout. It isn't fair and I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:See my suggestion at 22:22. Order their special meals (I assume it's your garden variety kids meals), let them bring ipads or video games but they must use headphones. Seat them at a table in the back so they aren't a distraction.
Once they are acting up, tell BIL to go over and suggest they get on their ipads. I'm sure they won't object.
Done.

Holy shit, have you read anything the OP has said? They object all the time. These little terrorists beat on their mom and step sisters when they don't get their way. They don't listen to their stepdad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you OP. I wouldn't want these rude, bratty, boorish kids there either. The mom is wrong, not you. BIL needs to fix this, probably via divorce. The mom needs to know her bratty kids behavior comes with consequences, one of which is being excluded from nicer events. No apology from you needed.

+1

Don't you dare invite those little shits. The mom sounds like she's never bothered disciplining them and now wants everyone to just deal with their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get what the shock is here. You didn't want the nephews to attend, you told their mom that, she saw through your efforts to sugarcoat it, and she is now upset with you for doing exactly what you intended to do. Everything that happened afterward is a very foreseeable consequence of your decision to tell the mom not to bring her kids. So what you do now is decide that not have the nephews there is worth the estrangement, own your behavior and move on, or decide it isn't, and call their mother to apologize.

I am not sure why I have to "own my behavior". I was thinking of the comfort of my 75 year old father. He has already had to pull these boys aside for farting in church and belching/being nasty at other times. I was advised in the other thread to NOT invite them. Instead of going the easy for me route and just not putting them on the invite I tried to talk to my SIL.

OP,

It's really sad that you don't see what you did wrong.

You need to apologize to your SIL and brother. Invite everyone and let them play on their iPads. So what? Why are you such a control freak?

So what if some people on the other thread told you not to invite them? Guess what you're not only assh*le out there.

Okay. I have been as accommodating as I can. I have stressed that here and in the other thread. It isn't just about iPads. It is about farting and belching and screaming and hitting and kicking and being as disruptive and rude as possible.

I didn't want my father's big event ruined by that. Now, please tell me, why am I the asshole here and not their parent who allows this to take place?

[Anonymous]

OK, so what would happen if someone went over to SIL when the boys started going crazy and said to her-- you need to take them out of this room immediately, they are ruining the event. Can your husband do this?

Treat them like the drunk uncle at a wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I remember that thread. Glad you took some of that advice since you really do care about not offending them even at your own extended family's expense. It's good that both you and your husband are on the same page and that the boy's night out convinced him even more.

I still say that your BIL seems to be in over his head with this new marriage--not just the two surly stepsons but his new wife who throws as many temper tantrums as her boys do.

Unfortunately, it seems that your BIL married a woman with kids who have a lot of extra baggage and who need counseling but your new SIL is in denial and would rather cause family conflict with her new husband's extended family since doing that is part of her dysfunctional background.

Not sure you can fix this. It is your BIL's problem to fix. And he'd better try to get them into counseling; he needs to be protective of your three little nieces since their new stepbrothers are already bullying them.

And FWIW, I don't think your new SIL would have gotten through your dad's celebration without having a meltdown over the most perceived slight anyway. She really sounds like a head case when it comes to her boys. She was probably waiting to cut you and your DH off; it was bound to happen.

Thank you for this. I am up late, having a meltdown over this and I need some perspective.

This situation has stretched everyone to their limit. I hope my BIL and SIL can come to some type of understanding and get the entire family into counseling.

I think you might be right about her looking for a reason to make drama.

[Anonymous]

Would they fart and scream and yell if they were allowed to be on their screens?

[Anonymous]

THEN JUST THROW AN ADULTS ONLY PARTY FFS

[Anonymous]

OP,

Don't feel any guilt over this.

You did your best.

Now it's in their hands. BIL and SIL can go on being huffy or they can try to see the writing on the wall. I think your husband should help his brother, not you trying to help SIL, who seems deranged. Your husband should reiterate that the boys are NOT invited because they have demonstrated unequivocally in the past that they ruin every occasion. That there are parenting classes, psychological evaluations and behavior modification plans for that sort of thing. That this is a serious issue which BIL needs to address in one way or another, since it is already impacting their lives in a very negative way.

[Anonymous]

And look-- I am sympathetic to you. You are trying to have a nice event, these kids are obviously hellions and SIL is clueless and a shit-stirrer. Even so, you can't exclude children from this event! I would just try to see what you can do to accomodate them for this (hell, if it's just kraft mac and cheese and tysons chicken nuggets that should be easy for a caterer to do-- just give them the boxes).

SIL should have ipads, game boys, whatever ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:THEN JUST THROW AN ADULTS ONLY PARTY FFS

Yup

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:THEN JUST THROW AN ADULTS ONLY PARTY FFS

Why should the other children not be included just because 2 spoiled brats can't behave? Their mom has created monsters. She only has herself to blame.