Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic - SHTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. This is your dad's party (not your FIL's party) and the kids are your husband's brother's stepchildren? Why would anyone be offended that your husband's brother's wife's kids weren't invited to your father's party?

I'm as confused as you. As I have said before, my SIL gets very upset and cries to her DH when anyone dares to say something to her boys about their behavior OR when people exclude them (because of their behavior).

It was either not invite them and hope she has a shred of self awareness and is graceful about it. Or invite them and have a very special event for my elderly father ruined.

I'm an asshole right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you even say "our family dynamic" without recognizing that they are now FAMILY is telling...and disturbing.

I read the other thread. These boys are bullying, threatening to hit and hitting their three stepsisters. I find that far more disturbing than the OP wanting to help these two boys enter the "family dynamic".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you even say "our family dynamic" without recognizing that they are now FAMILY is telling...and disturbing.

Okay, what should I say instead? I am dealing with a very stressful issue here and I am about the only one in the family who is still trying to deal with it. Everyone else has written them off. Why exactly is that disturbing?

What's disturbing is that a family dynamic must gore and change and adapt and expand to include all of its members--warts and all. You seem to think it is closed, fixed and limited, and that only "perfect" people can be accepted.

Those boys are children. Children who come from a broken home. And you are going out of your way to exclude them.

Do what you will, but don't wonder why there is now drama, hurt and anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you even say "our family dynamic" without recognizing that they are now FAMILY is telling...and disturbing.

Okay, what should I say instead? I am dealing with a very stressful issue here and I am about the only one in the family who is still trying to deal with it. Everyone else has written them off. Why exactly is that disturbing?

What's disturbing is that a family dynamic must gore and change and adapt and expand to include all of its members--warts and all. You seem to think it is closed, fixed and limited, and that only "perfect" people can be accepted.

Those boys are children. Children who come from a broken home. And you are going out of your way to exclude them.

Do what you will, but don't wonder why there is now drama, hurt and anger.

Grow, not gore...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP. It's beyond insulting that you would exclude two of the grandchildren (step or not, they are still your BIL's children). And if they want to disappear into another room on their iPads, I don't see how that's any of your business or hurts anyone other than themselves.

Agree. OP, just what did you think would happen? I can only imagine that this will get worse before it gets better. Posts like this remind me to be thankful for my family.

[Anonymous]

Too bad the mother didn't try a little harder not to raise azzholes instead of complain that people don't like her little azzholes...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. This is your dad's party (not your FIL's party) and the kids are your husband's brother's stepchildren? Why would anyone be offended that your husband's brother's wife's kids weren't invited to your father's party?

I'm as confused as you. As I have said before, my SIL gets very upset and cries to her DH when anyone dares to say something to her boys about their behavior OR when people exclude them (because of their behavior).

It was either not invite them and hope she has a shred of self awareness and is graceful about it. Or invite them and have a very special event for my elderly father ruined.

I'm an asshole right?

Right. You are.

[Anonymous]

I am the first PP. I get that this is a very annoying dynamic for you, but again, why pick this major family event to make your point.
You are having the event catered- -so just request 2 kids meals with chicken fingers (or whatever).
Kids can bring ipads with headphones. When they get bored, they can sit at the table with them. Who cares?

My son was the ring bearer in a no-kids-but-him adult wedding. After the dinner (which he sat through with no problem), I let him sit at the table with an ipad and headphones while the adults danced and talked. No one gave a crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP. It's beyond insulting that you would exclude two of the grandchildren (step or not, they are still your BIL's children). And if they want to disappear into another room on their iPads, I don't see how that's any of your business or hurts anyone other than themselves.

You should have invited them and let their mom decide whether to bring them or not. All you can do now is apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you even say "our family dynamic" without recognizing that they are now FAMILY is telling...and disturbing.

Very Stepford Wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. This is your dad's party (not your FIL's party) and the kids are your husband's brother's stepchildren? Why would anyone be offended that your husband's brother's wife's kids weren't invited to your father's party?

I'm as confused as you. As I have said before, my SIL gets very upset and cries to her DH when anyone dares to say something to her boys about their behavior OR when people exclude them (because of their behavior).

It was either not invite them and hope she has a shred of self awareness and is graceful about it. Or invite them and have a very special event for my elderly father ruined.

I'm an asshole right?

Right. You are.

Okay then, what would you have done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that you even say "our family dynamic" without recognizing that they are now FAMILY is telling...and disturbing.

Very Stepford Wives.

They are children.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you OP. I wouldn't want these rude, bratty, boorish kids there either. The mom is wrong, not you. BIL needs to fix this, probably via divorce. The mom needs to know her bratty kids behavior comes with consequences, one of which is being excluded from nicer events. No apology from you needed.

[Anonymous]

See my suggestion at 22:22. Order their special meals (I assume it's your garden variety kids meals), let them bring ipads or video games but they must use headphones. Seat them at a table in the back so they aren't a distraction.
Once they are acting up, tell BIL to go over and suggest they get on their ipads. I'm sure they won't object.
Done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get what the shock is here. You didn't want the nephews to attend, you told their mom that, she saw through your efforts to sugarcoat it, and she is now upset with you for doing exactly what you intended to do. Everything that happened afterward is a very foreseeable consequence of your decision to tell the mom not to bring her kids. So what you do now is decide that not have the nephews there is worth the estrangement, own your behavior and move on, or decide it isn't, and call their mother to apologize.

I am not sure why I have to "own my behavior". I was thinking of the comfort of my 75 year old father. He has already had to pull these boys aside for farting in church and belching/being nasty at other times. I was advised in the other thread to NOT invite them. Instead of going the easy for me route and just not putting them on the invite I tried to talk to my SIL.

OP,

It's really sad that you don't see what you did wrong.

You need to apologize to your SIL and brother. Invite everyone and let them play on their iPads. So what? Why are you such a control freak?

So what if some people on the other thread told you not to invite them? Guess what you're not only assh*le out there.