Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic - SHTF

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely NP. Not sure if OP is sock puppeting. I can see both sides. A nice birthday party for dad. Not wanting the misbehaving in-law step - children throwing a tantrum.
But it is rude to invite BIL and three nieces and exclude new SIL and step nephews, even if they are brats.
So, make amends OP. Stress that you really are just concerned about having a nice party for your dad, and you didn't mean for her to be insulted by your efforts. Ask her for advice on how to have a good evening with the boys and attendance. Maybe you could arrange that if they want to sit and play video games they need to go to another room where none of the guests are. That way the boys can come, brother-in-law and sister-in-law are happy, and they will be in a room where they can throw tantrums without anyone noticing.

This is my question to everyone who keeps saying "OP is a beast, the innocent little boys can just go, sit in another room and bury their faces in their iPads" - what would be the point in that? Surely they can be expected to behave and begrudgingly enjoy a freaking party. Oh the horrors!

Well, OP could try (again) to parent other people's kids against the wishes of the children's parents... Or she could be rude and only invite the part of the family she likes, or she could meet halfway. What is the best example here? Invite the brats, trying to force them to behave? Ignore her BILs new family? Or try and take the high road?

If your children cannot behave and make everyone around them miserable and someone says "Please make sure they behave or they won't be invited back" how is that parenting a kid against a parents wishes?

How can you not think the parent is not the rude one here?

If she really thinks the new nephews shouldn't attend, then don't invite BIL family at all. But she wants to pick apart a family. Not cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely NP. Not sure if OP is sock puppeting. I can see both sides. A nice birthday party for dad. Not wanting the misbehaving in-law step - children throwing a tantrum.
But it is rude to invite BIL and three nieces and exclude new SIL and step nephews, even if they are brats.
So, make amends OP. Stress that you really are just concerned about having a nice party for your dad, and you didn't mean for her to be insulted by your efforts. Ask her for advice on how to have a good evening with the boys and attendance. Maybe you could arrange that if they want to sit and play video games they need to go to another room where none of the guests are. That way the boys can come, brother-in-law and sister-in-law are happy, and they will be in a room where they can throw tantrums without anyone noticing.

This is my question to everyone who keeps saying "OP is a beast, the innocent little boys can just go, sit in another room and bury their faces in their iPads" - what would be the point in that? Surely they can be expected to behave and begrudgingly enjoy a freaking party. Oh the horrors!

Well, OP could try (again) to parent other people's kids against the wishes of the children's parents... Or she could be rude and only invite the part of the family she likes, or she could meet halfway. What is the best example here? Invite the brats, trying to force them to behave? Ignore her BILs new family? Or try and take the high road?

If your children cannot behave and make everyone around them miserable and someone says "Please make sure they behave or they won't be invited back" how is that parenting a kid against a parents wishes?

How can you not think the parent is not the rude one here?

If she really thinks the new nephews shouldn't attend, then don't invite BIL family at all. But she wants to pick apart a family. Not cool.

Why should the nieces suffer?

[Anonymous]

Well, I don't disbelieve you that they are badly behaved, but I also don't see how you thought you could not invite them without causing a major issue. Why not just make them the food they will eat? It seems like you are really obsessing about their behavior, which while it sounds obnoxious, should not be affecting you this profoundly.


Because that would be placing the burden on Op to keep these kids pacified and reasonably well behaved at this party - what if she makes them the "wrong" chicken nugget and they flip out and throw their food on the floor? What if (God forbid) an ipad gets dropped and broken. BIL and SIL need to be the ones who are responsible for these kids and making sure that they are not being disruptive. Why would they expect Op to have a clue as to how to handle them?

Yeah, you can die on that hill if you want, but I'd rather make the effort to give them the food they want so that my family could have the party and my BIL and SIL would come. OP seems pretty familiar with what the kids will eat. If they act up she can insist that BIL and SIL take them out. Too much drama about these kids. But honestly, if it is that big a deal to OP and her dad, then they did what they had to do, and they'll have to live with the inevitable blowback from BIL and SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Completely NP. Not sure if OP is sock puppeting. I can see both sides. A nice birthday party for dad. Not wanting the misbehaving in-law step - children throwing a tantrum.
But it is rude to invite BIL and three nieces and exclude new SIL and step nephews, even if they are brats.
So, make amends OP. Stress that you really are just concerned about having a nice party for your dad, and you didn't mean for her to be insulted by your efforts. Ask her for advice on how to have a good evening with the boys and attendance. Maybe you could arrange that if they want to sit and play video games they need to go to another room where none of the guests are. That way the boys can come, brother-in-law and sister-in-law are happy, and they will be in a room where they can throw tantrums without anyone noticing.

No, no, no. OP should tell the BIL and SIL to shape up or ship out. This coddling of the boys and their mother is BS. The tolerance of the BILs standing by and doing nothing about this is BS, too. Bad behavior should have consequences.

This is why their are so many inconsiderate people running around. People put up with their nonsense and make excuses for them.

I wasn't making excuses for them. The OP cannot parent other people's children. If brother-in-law and his children are as close to her father Ashley claims, then it is completely inappropriate to only invite brother-in-law and the daughters and not sister-in-law and her sons. It isn't 0P's birthday. It is her father. Her father - who according to OP - considers her brother-in-law's children his grandchildren. He wants them there. It is not for her to dictate that only half her BILs family can come.

The grandfather doesn't want the boys there nor does he want them on vacations anymore.

Then grandfather needs to take the hit for not wanting them there.

Oh, enough. The grandfather has been more than generous in this situation. His family wants to have a nice birthday celebration for him and this new SIL has found a way to make this ALL about herself and her boys (who probably would be more than happy not to go!). The one who is making a HUGE stink is this SIL who has repeatedly allowed her children to wreck everyone else's fun by bullying, crying, whining, screaming, throwing things and just being plain rude. A person who makes so little effort herself deserves no special consideration now. This party is about FIL - who has been more than generous with his home and his hospitality and deserves to have a lovely celebration.

Forget about this selfish SIL. Op can offer to pick the girls up and bring them to the party. Let BIL stay at home with SIL.

[Anonymous]

Just wondering, are there cultural differences between your family and SIL, BIL, and stepsons? Is everyone white American? This could explain parenting differences and help with respect to understand the dynamics and communication challenges involved,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Well, I don't disbelieve you that they are badly behaved, but I also don't see how you thought you could not invite them without causing a major issue. Why not just make them the food they will eat? It seems like you are really obsessing about their behavior, which while it sounds obnoxious, should not be affecting you this profoundly.


Because that would be placing the burden on Op to keep these kids pacified and reasonably well behaved at this party - what if she makes them the "wrong" chicken nugget and they flip out and throw their food on the floor? What if (God forbid) an ipad gets dropped and broken. BIL and SIL need to be the ones who are responsible for these kids and making sure that they are not being disruptive. Why would they expect Op to have a clue as to how to handle them?

Yeah, you can die on that hill if you want, but I'd rather make the effort to give them the food they want so that my family could have the party and my BIL and SIL would come. OP seems pretty familiar with what the kids will eat. If they act up she can insist that BIL and SIL take them out. Too much drama about these kids. But honestly, if it is that big a deal to OP and her dad, then they did what they had to do, and they'll have to live with the inevitable blowback from BIL and SIL.

I think the picky eating is the least of the problems here. It is inevitable that these children will be rude and disruptive and then when the SIL is asked to remove them she will throw a hissy and be rude and disruptive. Rotten apples didn't fall far from the tree.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you can die on that hill if you want, but I'd rather make the effort to give them the food they want so that my family could have the party and my BIL and SIL would come. OP seems pretty familiar with what the kids will eat. If they act up she can insist that BIL and SIL take them out. Too much drama about these kids. But honestly, if it is that big a deal to OP and her dad, then they did what they had to do, and they'll have to live with the inevitable blowback from BIL and SIL.


I think the picky eating is the least of the problems here. It is inevitable that these children will be rude and disruptive and then when the SIL is asked to remove them she will throw a hissy and be rude and disruptive. Rotten apples didn't fall far from the tree.

Ok, then, see bolded point. I mean, if the question is how OP can make BIL and SIL feel ok about the fact that she said that the kids are brats and she doesn't want them at the party, that's pretty ridiculous, regardless of whether her feelings about the kids are valid.

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks for the update and sorry for all those who don't get it.

Sadly, I think you've done all you can do. Your BIL made a choice, and that choice has consequences. I feel sorry for your nieces, but again, it was your BIL's choice.

The only thing I think you do from here out is leave this to your DH to deal with his own brother. This is no longer anything you should have any part of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Well, I don't disbelieve you that they are badly behaved, but I also don't see how you thought you could not invite them without causing a major issue. Why not just make them the food they will eat? It seems like you are really obsessing about their behavior, which while it sounds obnoxious, should not be affecting you this profoundly.


Because that would be placing the burden on Op to keep these kids pacified and reasonably well behaved at this party - what if she makes them the "wrong" chicken nugget and they flip out and throw their food on the floor? What if (God forbid) an ipad gets dropped and broken. BIL and SIL need to be the ones who are responsible for these kids and making sure that they are not being disruptive. Why would they expect Op to have a clue as to how to handle them?

Yeah, you can die on that hill if you want, but I'd rather make the effort to give them the food they want so that my family could have the party and my BIL and SIL would come. OP seems pretty familiar with what the kids will eat. If they act up she can insist that BIL and SIL take them out. Too much drama about these kids. But honestly, if it is that big a deal to OP and her dad, then they did what they had to do, and they'll have to live with the inevitable blowback from BIL and SIL.

I think the picky eating is the least of the problems here. It is inevitable that these children will be rude and disruptive and then when the SIL is asked to remove them she will throw a hissy and be rude and disruptive. Rotten apples didn't fall far from the tree.

Yep. And Op is wise to nip that in the bud now. The stuff is going to hit the fan regardless but it won't be happening during FIL's bday party!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wondering, are there cultural differences between your family and SIL, BIL, and stepsons? Is everyone white American? This could explain parenting differences and help with respect to understand the dynamics and communication challenges involved,

This is from the first thread:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: P.S. Are they of a different culture?

Yea I get it, its just really tricky to step on someone elses parenting you know?. Funny thing is DH and I are pretty structured and traditional parents. My children eat what is served and they are expected to participate with the family. This is just so frustrating and unfamiliar. My family is hispanic, DH's is white and so are SIL and her boys.

[Anonymous]

OP,

You mentioned in the previous thread about attending church. Go to your pastor and ask him or her what to do about this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Yeah, you can die on that hill if you want, but I'd rather make the effort to give them the food they want so that my family could have the party and my BIL and SIL would come. OP seems pretty familiar with what the kids will eat. If they act up she can insist that BIL and SIL take them out. Too much drama about these kids. But honestly, if it is that big a deal to OP and her dad, then they did what they had to do, and they'll have to live with the inevitable blowback from BIL and SIL.


I think the picky eating is the least of the problems here. It is inevitable that these children will be rude and disruptive and then when the SIL is asked to remove them she will throw a hissy and be rude and disruptive. Rotten apples didn't fall far from the tree.

Ok, then, see bolded point. I mean, if the question is how OP can make BIL and SIL feel ok about the fact that she said that the kids are brats and she doesn't want them at the party, that's pretty ridiculous, regardless of whether her feelings about the kids are valid.

I think BIL and SIL are well aware that these kids are brats, they didn't need to be told.

I also really disagree with you here. I think OP has stressed how she has walked on eggshells to the point of being stressed out about it. That everyone else has washed their hands of the situation and she is left dealing with it. There was seriously no win here. They come = party ruined. None invited = drama caused. I think she hoped by as she put it "gently" talking to her SIL and saying they would likely not enjoy themselves was the best she could try to do. Still it backfired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I remember that thread. Glad you took some of that advice since you really do care about not offending them even at your own extended family's expense. It's good that both you and your husband are on the same page and that the boy's night out convinced him even more.

I still say that your BIL seems to be in over his head with this new marriage--not just the two surly stepsons but his new wife who throws as many temper tantrums as her boys do.

Unfortunately, it seems that your BIL married a woman with kids who have a lot of extra baggage and who need counseling but your new SIL is in denial and would rather cause family conflict with her new husband's extended family since doing that is part of her dysfunctional background.

Not sure you can fix this. It is your BIL's problem to fix. And he'd better try to get them into counseling; he needs to be protective of your three little nieces since their new stepbrothers are already bullying them.

And FWIW, I don't think your new SIL would have gotten through your dad's celebration without having a meltdown over the most perceived slight anyway. She really sounds like a head case when it comes to her boys. She was probably waiting to cut you and your DH off; it was bound to happen.

OP, please re-read the excellent perspective above. This person has it right. SIL was likely already keyed up to see ANY mention of her kids' behavior as an insult and to throw a fit over it. You were clear in the original post on this thread that SHE said to you that her boys would not enjoy the event and probably shouldn't come, but now she has conveniently forgotten that she, not you, said that. You were right to raise the issue with her because you gave her clear notice of the type of event, and it's a type that simply cannot work for these kids with the meltdowns, extreme food pickiness, etc. You did not exclude them; you told her that it likely would be a problem and she agreed. As long as you and DH are on the same page here, be glad they are staying home. After the fact, when things cool down, DH might need to talk to BIL alone and somehow point out that these boys' behaviors cause concern for the welfare of the girls. But that's for another time (and probalby will end with BIL angry and in denial but at least DH will have tried to advocate for the girls who are getting bullied). Right now, be assured that everyone else in the family is delighted these kids won't be there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I remember that thread. Glad you took some of that advice since you really do care about not offending them even at your own extended family's expense. It's good that both you and your husband are on the same page and that the boy's night out convinced him even more.

I still say that your BIL seems to be in over his head with this new marriage--not just the two surly stepsons but his new wife who throws as many temper tantrums as her boys do.

Unfortunately, it seems that your BIL married a woman with kids who have a lot of extra baggage and who need counseling but your new SIL is in denial and would rather cause family conflict with her new husband's extended family since doing that is part of her dysfunctional background.

Not sure you can fix this. It is your BIL's problem to fix. And he'd better try to get them into counseling; he needs to be protective of your three little nieces since their new stepbrothers are already bullying them.

And FWIW, I don't think your new SIL would have gotten through your dad's celebration without having a meltdown over the most perceived slight anyway. She really sounds like a head case when it comes to her boys. She was probably waiting to cut you and your DH off; it was bound to happen.

OP, please re-read the excellent perspective above. This person has it right. SIL was likely already keyed up to see ANY mention of her kids' behavior as an insult and to throw a fit over it. You were clear in the original post on this thread that SHE said to you that her boys would not enjoy the event and probably shouldn't come, but now she has conveniently forgotten that she, not you, said that. You were right to raise the issue with her because you gave her clear notice of the type of event, and it's a type that simply cannot work for these kids with the meltdowns, extreme food pickiness, etc. You did not exclude them; you told her that it likely would be a problem and she agreed. As long as you and DH are on the same page here, be glad they are staying home. After the fact, when things cool down, DH might need to talk to BIL alone and somehow point out that these boys' behaviors cause concern for the welfare of the girls. But that's for another time (and probalby will end with BIL angry and in denial but at least DH will have tried to advocate for the girls who are getting bullied). Right now, be assured that everyone else in the family is delighted these kids won't be there.

This. The SIL is gaslighting. She's treated your family terribly and now she's trying to punish you for drawing a line. You seem to be a nice person who would hate to be the bad guy. She knows it and she's capitalizing. You came here and somehow found the only people alive who would want to force another human being to go through what you went through at the vacation house (the sock puppet theorist was the weirdest).

Wash your hands of this. Your husband agrees with you. It's his brother. Be sympathetic and kind to him because he's the one who has to watch his brother piss his life away on this wretched woman. So be there for him and for your nieces. Your husband should ask the BIL to please let you see them. They need sanctuary from the bullying.

But you? You've done more than 99% of people would. You don't have to give up your family's celebrations because your husband's brother married an asshole. You just don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so mad.

I don't care what the bratty boys were doing. They are family now, and you can't just excommunicate them.
They matter, and the 3 girls matter, and the grandfather matters.

Families figure out how to accommodate everyone, even when it's challenging. That is what families do.

I am absolutely sickened by this thread.

Oh, hell no to this. Some people can't be accommodated, and if "family" can't behave then family can't come. This is not a first, or even a tenth, it sounds like, offense.