Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic - SHTF

[Anonymous]

HEY OP! How about an update?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HEY OP! How about an update?

+1. Hope you and your family have been able to find a workable solution. Or at least move towards a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I remember that thread. Glad you took some of that advice since you really do care about not offending them even at your own extended family's expense. It's good that both you and your husband are on the same page and that the boy's night out convinced him even more.

I still say that your BIL seems to be in over his head with this new marriage--not just the two surly stepsons but his new wife who throws as many temper tantrums as her boys do.

Unfortunately, it seems that your BIL married a woman with kids who have a lot of extra baggage and who need counseling but your new SIL is in denial and would rather cause family conflict with her new husband's extended family since doing that is part of her dysfunctional background.

Not sure you can fix this. It is your BIL's problem to fix. And he'd better try to get them into counseling; he needs to be protective of your three little nieces since their new stepbrothers are already bullying them.

And FWIW, I don't think your new SIL would have gotten through your dad's celebration without having a meltdown over the most perceived slight anyway. She really sounds like a head case when it comes to her boys. She was probably waiting to cut you and your DH off; it was bound to happen.

OP, please re-read the excellent perspective above. This person has it right. SIL was likely already keyed up to see ANY mention of her kids' behavior as an insult and to throw a fit over it. You were clear in the original post on this thread that SHE said to you that her boys would not enjoy the event and probably shouldn't come, but now she has conveniently forgotten that she, not you, said that. You were right to raise the issue with her because you gave her clear notice of the type of event, and it's a type that simply cannot work for these kids with the meltdowns, extreme food pickiness, etc. You did not exclude them; you told her that it likely would be a problem and she agreed. As long as you and DH are on the same page here, be glad they are staying home. After the fact, when things cool down, DH might need to talk to BIL alone and somehow point out that these boys' behaviors cause concern for the welfare of the girls. But that's for another time (and probalby will end with BIL angry and in denial but at least DH will have tried to advocate for the girls who are getting bullied). Right now, be assured that everyone else in the family is delighted these kids won't be there.

This. The SIL is gaslighting. She's treated your family terribly and now she's trying to punish you for drawing a line. You seem to be a nice person who would hate to be the bad guy. She knows it and she's capitalizing. You came here and somehow found the only people alive who would want to force another human being to go through what you went through at the vacation house (the sock puppet theorist was the weirdest).

Wash your hands of this. Your husband agrees with you. It's his brother. Be sympathetic and kind to him because he's the one who has to watch his brother piss his life away on this wretched woman. So be there for him and for your nieces. Your husband should ask the BIL to please let you see them. They need sanctuary from the bullying.

But you? You've done more than 99% of people would. You don't have to give up your family's celebrations because your husband's brother married an asshole. You just don't.

Agreed. The core issue here is not your nephew's picky eating or screen obsession. It is your SIL's permissive parenting. I remember in the first thread she does not discipline her children when they throw fits and hit her. She also kept complaining and whining about the boys not being included because they don't like the athletic activities the other children enjoyed and that she bribed her kids to participate for 10 minutes. She creates the problems and then acts like a victim. Until your BIL recognizes the root of the issue then there's not much you can do

[Anonymous]

OP, are you local? What country club is hosting this fete?

Surely they have a completely separate room you can rent out as well and the two boys (other kids) can go there at appropriate time when loud behavior and farting begin. Hire a sitter for the kids' room. From there, it's an early night home for your BIL or SIL if that fails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get what the shock is here. You didn't want the nephews to attend, you told their mom that, she saw through your efforts to sugarcoat it, and she is now upset with you for doing exactly what you intended to do. Everything that happened afterward is a very foreseeable consequence of your decision to tell the mom not to bring her kids. So what you do now is decide that not have the nephews there is worth the estrangement, own your behavior and move on, or decide it isn't, and call their mother to apologize.

I am not sure why I have to "own my behavior". I was thinking of the comfort of my 75 year old father. He has already had to pull these boys aside for farting in church and belching/being nasty at other times. I was advised in the other thread to NOT invite them. Instead of going the easy for me route and just not putting them on the invite I tried to talk to my SIL.

Hilarious.
They are the perfect nephews for your family - you all need to chill out.

A very special birthday for your father? He's not 5. Everything doesn't have to be 'right' & you shouldn't be excluding children.
Your family needs to be less 'perfect' & more loving.
It will be an adjustment for you I'm sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:HEY OP! How about an update?

+1

OP, has the event happened yet--? Would be interested to see how it got handled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so mad.

I don't care what the bratty boys were doing. They are family now, and you can't just excommunicate them.
They matter, and the 3 girls matter, and the grandfather matters.

Families figure out how to accommodate everyone, even when it's challenging. That is what families do.

I am absolutely sickened by this thread.

If you read this thread and the other you would see that there has been so much stress for months and months trying to accommodate this situation.

What would you do if you were so stressed out from trying everything and then have this happen. SIL agreed and then turned around and flipped out.

If the grandfather matters, shouldn't he be allowed to have a stress free 75th birthday?

Not if it means pretending that family members don't exist for convenience' sake.

And the SIL was probably shocked about the OP's request. She probably didn't know what to say and felt embarrassed and humiliated.

What the OP did is honestly unforgivable.

They aren't actually family members, though. They are OP's in-laws and no relation at all to the grandfather. They're coat-tail cousins at best.

I wouldn't worry about the decision not to attend. They'll get over it or they won't. As I said, it's not like they are actually the grandfather's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so mad.

I don't care what the bratty boys were doing. They are family now, and you can't just excommunicate them.
They matter, and the 3 girls matter, and the grandfather matters.

Families figure out how to accommodate everyone, even when it's challenging. That is what families do.

I am absolutely sickened by this thread.

If you read this thread and the other you would see that there has been so much stress for months and months trying to accommodate this situation.

What would you do if you were so stressed out from trying everything and then have this happen. SIL agreed and then turned around and flipped out.

If the grandfather matters, shouldn't he be allowed to have a stress free 75th birthday?

Not if it means pretending that family members don't exist for convenience' sake.

And the SIL was probably shocked about the OP's request. She probably didn't know what to say and felt embarrassed and humiliated.

What the OP did is honestly unforgivable.

They aren't actually family members, though. They are OP's in-laws and no relation at all to the grandfather. They're coat-tail cousins at best.

I wouldn't worry about the decision not to attend. They'll get over it or they won't. As I said, it's not like they are actually the grandfather's family.

damn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread makes me so mad.

I don't care what the bratty boys were doing. They are family now, and you can't just excommunicate them.
They matter, and the 3 girls matter, and the grandfather matters.

Families figure out how to accommodate everyone, even when it's challenging. That is what families do.

I am absolutely sickened by this thread.

If you read this thread and the other you would see that there has been so much stress for months and months trying to accommodate this situation.

What would you do if you were so stressed out from trying everything and then have this happen. SIL agreed and then turned around and flipped out.

If the grandfather matters, shouldn't he be allowed to have a stress free 75th birthday?

Not if it means pretending that family members don't exist for convenience' sake.

And the SIL was probably shocked about the OP's request. She probably didn't know what to say and felt embarrassed and humiliated.

What the OP did is honestly unforgivable.

They aren't actually family members, though. They are OP's in-laws and no relation at all to the grandfather. They're coat-tail cousins at best.

I wouldn't worry about the decision not to attend. They'll get over it or they won't. As I said, it's not like they are actually the grandfather's family.

damn.

I mean, its harsh but its kind of true. I wouldn't put it that way but I also wouldn't expect a large extended family to bend over backwards for very long, certainly not enough to make big waves within an already happy family, for someone who isn't really trying to appreciate or meet them halfway. If the mom doesn't want to be "taken in" by this family, that's her choice- she shouldn't have to justify this but that's a marital issue between her husband BIL and her. I hate to say its "my way or the highway" but its kind of a decision that is mutual, if neither the extended family nor this new nuclear family fit- well, that is something they need to decide for themselves, how involved they want to be with each other.

[Anonymous]

I want to know what happened!!

[Anonymous]

OP - I was thinking of this thread. Any update?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again here. I am venting now. You all have no idea how stressful this has been on our family.

We are big happy close family. We enjoy holidays together, special trips, Sunday dinners, summers at our family home.

Everyone was thrilled when BIL was getting remarried. It was obvious her boys were pretty set in their ways. Still everyone did everything they could to accommodate them. My two boys are very close in age to them and they did everything to make them feel welcome. Eventually they were so miserable my DH praised them for their effort but told them enough was enough.

Seriously every family get together with them is nothing but stress. Arguments, tantrums and tears. It is so awkward and uncomfortable.

I am at a rock and a hard place here. I cannot do an adults only party. I've been planning this big birthday for about a year for my dad. I've found friends he hasn't seen in years and invited them. There will be two acoustic performances and I would be horrified for the bands/artists to hear these boys screaming/laughing whatever in the background. Each grandchild is doing something special. A poem, a song, a dance. We have a "movie" of his life. His favorite sit down meal.

If I invited all of them - I have no doubt the boys would have ruined it and my SIL has no qualms about crying and arguing with her husband in front of others.

If I invited none of them - she would have wondered why and eventually the same drama of exclusion would have happened.

So compromised and hoped for once my SIL would get it and admit that maybe just maybe her boys cannot behave and something needs to change.

I get that this is DCUM and all but calling me an asshole and dreadful is really unfair. Think if you were in this situation. I have done everything I can here.

I'm with you OP- my DS is nine and he has ADHD. We do not put him in situations that he cannot handle and it's for everyone's benefit. Assuming that these two boys do not have special needs or are not experiencing trauma- it's a discipline problem. If it's a special need or trauma- your SIL should have the awareness not to put her boys in situations they can't deal with.
In this case, if I were SIL, I would bring my kids for a short time, then take them home. The party sounds far behind what these boys can, or are willing to tolerate. The fact that SIL doesn't see any of this, goes some way to exp,aiming to why her boys have these issues.