How to handle a (hopefully) temporary separation period?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't he have a job? Sounds like a loser. And is he high all day looking after your 7 month old??

Um, because he is a SAHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. I, too, grew up with a parent who used marijuana regularly, and I hated it. It made me feel like the pot was more important than parenting me. I realized later in life that if I had felt well cared for in loved in general, the pot may not have bothered me so much. Just some food for thought.

My question is: did you know about your DH's pot use when you got married? You said it wasn't how you envisioned your married/co-parenting life. Did your DH know that, though? Or was it just your thought/assumption that that's how things would go? If you never agreed on it pre-marriage, I could see how he might think it was unfair that he is expected to change. Yes, he agreed to change his habits, but did he have another choice at that point?

I don't think I would be okay with it either, honestly, but that doesn't really seem like the issue. The issue is that your DH was dishonest. But, did he feel backed into a corner of promising to cut down his use, like he had no other choice? Something to think about, as it does matter how the two of you came to this agreement.

You sound an awful lot like a friend of mine. If it's you, just know that you are an amazing person, mother and friend. Your family has been through such a hard time recently, I hope you and DH can really cut each other some slack. And I know your DH is an awesome person, father, and husband too! We all have our flaws.

As this thread has developed, I was slightly concerned that someone would realize who I am. The reason I sought anonymous advice was because I don't want any of my family/friends to think anything negative about my DH, because he is an amazing person deep down who is going through a tough time. I hope you don't mind if I open up our own discussion here (if my DH's initials are SM, do you know mine?)

First -- your leading observation took my breath away. You put into words what I've never been able to. "It made me feel that pot was more important than [loving/supporting/being an involved partner to] me." This explains the visceral reactions I have, the complete breakdowns this leads to, and my inability to approach this situation in a rational/detached manner. Now that I have words for this, I can start working on it and healing this emotional channel. Thank you anonymous friend -- seriously, thank you.

Second -- with your observation, I can put my situation into better words. My emotions tell me that I can't live with him smoking pot because I feel abandoned, alone, unsupported, untethered, and vulnerable to complete and total destruction. His actions tell me that he can't/won't give it up. So what do I do? What should I be thinking about? How can he and I get through this?

Third -- to answer your questions. I did not know about my DH's pot use when we met/dated/got married. I knew it had been a part of his past, but it wasn't something he did during the first 5 years of our relationship. I am pretty sure I told him about my marijuana stance before 2011. But, if not, that is when my dad issues wedged themselves into my life. My DH watched me cry and breakdown as my dad spent our wedding weekend high out of his mind, then chose marijuana over his stable life, manipulating me to give him thousands of dollars that (I found out later) dad used to fund his marijuana operation, eventually leading to his arrest/jail/living with DH and me while on probation/depression/death. If there was any doubt about how I felt about marijuana and the harm it caused in my life, these events should have cleared it up.

Now, to reply to the rest of your comments.

I'm so happy that my observation was able to help you. Growing up around a pot-smoking parent really was secondary to the other fears I had -- I did not feel physically safe, financially safe, or stable in any way. So, to see something happening that took away the precious resources I needed -- it was just another thing that was higher priority than me.

I guess I would ask how you think things would be if your DH didn't smoke pot. Do you think you would feel stable, secure, tethered, etc.? Do you think that's something else at play that is causing at least a part of your feelings?

It sounds like when he chooses to smoke pot, the message you are receiving is that he cares about it more than he cares about your feelings, and that he is irresponsible.

I have to say, I, too, would feel like my DH was choosing pot over my feelings, given all the situational details with your dad, and your DH watching how much it upset you. But, I know your husband is a good guy so I am prone to think he is not looking at it this way. Pot really is not a big deal to a lot of people.

One other question for you. Are you worried that your husband will use pot to deal with all of the grief your family has experienced recently, and spiral out of control? Would you feel better about occasional use if you knew he was taking care of and responsibility for his issues in other ways as well? (I.e., seeing a personal counselor, doing yoga or whatever it is that might help him relax).

Thank you friend. I feel like I'm able to receive your advice (and be more open myself) if I remain anonymous for now. Tho I want you to tell me who you are once I'm on the other side of this so I can truly express my gratitude!

I feel secure and stable with DH, but the minute I find out he is smoking pot it's like that entire foundation crumbles immediately. An instant trigger. I think this further reinforces that this is a deep issue that likely existed long before DH.

And yes. When he chooses to smoke the MessagePad reaffirmed that pot is more important than me and more important than this life he and I have built together. It's what makes me want to end things, because he can't/won't put my needs first on this one.

Then I think about the other effects of living with a daily smoker. What happens when we travel? Either need to secure marihuana source or deal with a grumpy and irritable spouse. Always feel like at the end of the day he is looking at the clock counting the minutes until he can be done with "family/wife time" and go get high. Worried about how to explain it to our children one day.

And then separately I worry about it being out of control due to his addiction background. But that is actually not the driving fear and emotion - it's a mere blip on the screen right now.

I am sitting at work totally unable to concentrate. Sick to my stomach. Dreading going home at 4 to switch off childcare. At a loss as to how to even get through until tomorrow.

Friend here. I just reread your OP, and the recent ones. I'm glad to hear that your DH is seeing an individual counselor. I hope he is open with the counselor about his pot use. What do you think he is medicating with the pot? Anxiety, depression, etc.? If he is smoking it every day, it has to be something.

Looking at the whole picture, I don't blame you for feeling betrayed. I think he did betray you by watching you suffer with your dad's issues around marijuana, and then fail to be upfront with you about his own use.

It sounds like you did try to compromise, too, with the once-a-month thing.

Does he say why it is so important to him?

You are always the strong one, supporting your friends and family. You don't have to be right now. You don't have to carry the weight of this secret. I'm not saying you need to blast it on facebook, but it might feel really good to confide in a trusted friend or family member. A good friend will not think badly of you or your husband. A good friend will know that we are all human. And honestly, I've always thought that a big way to deepen a friendship is to share vulnerabilities, and let the person be there for you. The friend doesn't even have to give you advice, but I bet you could use some commiseration.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. I, too, grew up with a parent who used marijuana regularly, and I hated it. It made me feel like the pot was more important than parenting me. I realized later in life that if I had felt well cared for in loved in general, the pot may not have bothered me so much. Just some food for thought.

My question is: did you know about your DH's pot use when you got married? You said it wasn't how you envisioned your married/co-parenting life. Did your DH know that, though? Or was it just your thought/assumption that that's how things would go? If you never agreed on it pre-marriage, I could see how he might think it was unfair that he is expected to change. Yes, he agreed to change his habits, but did he have another choice at that point?

I don't think I would be okay with it either, honestly, but that doesn't really seem like the issue. The issue is that your DH was dishonest. But, did he feel backed into a corner of promising to cut down his use, like he had no other choice? Something to think about, as it does matter how the two of you came to this agreement.

You sound an awful lot like a friend of mine. If it's you, just know that you are an amazing person, mother and friend. Your family has been through such a hard time recently, I hope you and DH can really cut each other some slack. And I know your DH is an awesome person, father, and husband too! We all have our flaws.

As this thread has developed, I was slightly concerned that someone would realize who I am. The reason I sought anonymous advice was because I don't want any of my family/friends to think anything negative about my DH, because he is an amazing person deep down who is going through a tough time. I hope you don't mind if I open up our own discussion here (if my DH's initials are SM, do you know mine?)

First -- your leading observation took my breath away. You put into words what I've never been able to. "It made me feel that pot was more important than [loving/supporting/being an involved partner to] me." This explains the visceral reactions I have, the complete breakdowns this leads to, and my inability to approach this situation in a rational/detached manner. Now that I have words for this, I can start working on it and healing this emotional channel. Thank you anonymous friend -- seriously, thank you.

Second -- with your observation, I can put my situation into better words. My emotions tell me that I can't live with him smoking pot because I feel abandoned, alone, unsupported, untethered, and vulnerable to complete and total destruction. His actions tell me that he can't/won't give it up. So what do I do? What should I be thinking about? How can he and I get through this?

Third -- to answer your questions. I did not know about my DH's pot use when we met/dated/got married. I knew it had been a part of his past, but it wasn't something he did during the first 5 years of our relationship. I am pretty sure I told him about my marijuana stance before 2011. But, if not, that is when my dad issues wedged themselves into my life. My DH watched me cry and breakdown as my dad spent our wedding weekend high out of his mind, then chose marijuana over his stable life, manipulating me to give him thousands of dollars that (I found out later) dad used to fund his marijuana operation, eventually leading to his arrest/jail/living with DH and me while on probation/depression/death. If there was any doubt about how I felt about marijuana and the harm it caused in my life, these events should have cleared it up.

Now, to reply to the rest of your comments.

I'm so happy that my observation was able to help you. Growing up around a pot-smoking parent really was secondary to the other fears I had -- I did not feel physically safe, financially safe, or stable in any way. So, to see something happening that took away the precious resources I needed -- it was just another thing that was higher priority than me.

I guess I would ask how you think things would be if your DH didn't smoke pot. Do you think you would feel stable, secure, tethered, etc.? Do you think that's something else at play that is causing at least a part of your feelings?

It sounds like when he chooses to smoke pot, the message you are receiving is that he cares about it more than he cares about your feelings, and that he is irresponsible.

I have to say, I, too, would feel like my DH was choosing pot over my feelings, given all the situational details with your dad, and your DH watching how much it upset you. But, I know your husband is a good guy so I am prone to think he is not looking at it this way. Pot really is not a big deal to a lot of people.

One other question for you. Are you worried that your husband will use pot to deal with all of the grief your family has experienced recently, and spiral out of control? Would you feel better about occasional use if you knew he was taking care of and responsibility for his issues in other ways as well? (I.e., seeing a personal counselor, doing yoga or whatever it is that might help him relax).

Thank you friend. I feel like I'm able to receive your advice (and be more open myself) if I remain anonymous for now. Tho I want you to tell me who you are once I'm on the other side of this so I can truly express my gratitude!

I feel secure and stable with DH, but the minute I find out he is smoking pot it's like that entire foundation crumbles immediately. An instant trigger. I think this further reinforces that this is a deep issue that likely existed long before DH.

And yes. When he chooses to smoke the MessagePad reaffirmed that pot is more important than me and more important than this life he and I have built together. It's what makes me want to end things, because he can't/won't put my needs first on this one.

Then I think about the other effects of living with a daily smoker. What happens when we travel? Either need to secure marihuana source or deal with a grumpy and irritable spouse. Always feel like at the end of the day he is looking at the clock counting the minutes until he can be done with "family/wife time" and go get high. Worried about how to explain it to our children one day.

And then separately I worry about it being out of control due to his addiction background. But that is actually not the driving fear and emotion - it's a mere blip on the screen right now.

I am sitting at work totally unable to concentrate. Sick to my stomach. Dreading going home at 4 to switch off childcare. At a loss as to how to even get through until tomorrow.

I am not your friend, but a PP who does not know you but based on your friend and your conversation think that this seems like a complicated situation and think you should ignore a lot of the histrionic people on this thread AND I think, personally, put separation off the table for a second. It sounds like there has been some MAJOR grief and upheaval in your family lately that has nothing to do with the pot smoking. Breaking a bad habit that relaxes people (whether that is cigarettes, a glass of wine or a joint) is tough to begin with, its almost impossible when everything else in your life is stressful and painful. Is it possible your DH has some resentment for you forcing this issue in the midst of all these other issues, or possible that you are reacting more strongly due to feeling already a bit unmoored by these other issues? You have maintained repeatedly that your DH is a good and loving husband and father that you do not want to divorce. So I would advise taking that off the mental table for now and trying to think about how to move forward, and that might mean coming to the middle of the road on this. You have issues with addiction but there isn't really anything you say about your DH that implies that he is neglecting you and your family with his recreational use, you have just seen a family become neglected due to pot use so you're having a boomerang emotional reaction. Your DH could be feeling somewhat insulted by the implication that his controlled use is comparable to your father. Think about an analogous situation where the child of an alcoholic forbids alcohol, even responsible alcohol, in their home. That might seem like a step too far to a spouse and like they can't be trusted to relax responsibly. My DH doesn't like it when I smoke (cigarettes) but I sneak some here and there and because I don't consider it that big a deal I think of it more as like...a courtesy to not do it around him but at the end of the day its not hurting anyone and he doesn't have full ownership of what I do with my body. If your DH feels similarly, than I doubt he's 'choosing' the pot over you so much as just trying to keep it on the DL so you aren't distressed by it.

I guess in summary I'd say that decisions made in stressful situations are usually not always good ones. Table this disagreement (unless your husband is like, stumbling around high all the time which would make this all different but it doesn't seem to be the case) until your family has recovered from whatever happened to you. Set interim expectations with your husband that are reasonable (if you think of allowing one day a month as equivilant to allowing like, one day to drink a month than that becomes a little crazy) and tell your husband that if he feels like he wants to alter whatever the expectations/agreement is that he needs to talk to you and not go behind your back because that will be the seed of a trust problem that is much larger than the pot problem could ever have been or will be. Also tell your husband that if you feel his use is impacting how he treats you and the kids that you will bring it up in a way that is constructive and that you thought through/talked through with a therapist, and that he should take your due dilligence seriously and listen if that happens. I think if you take these steps, and genuinely try to come from a place of positive motion forward, that most of the problems will work themselves out. In the interim I'd encourage your husband to see if some other vice can fill pot's place (if its specifically pot that is your trigger and not like, telling him to go get coke or something lol) and you should work a lot with your individual therapist on getting over this specific trigger.

Good luck OP, you sound like nice people, stick it out!

[Anonymous]

Hey OP -- it's your friend here again.

I wanted to mention one more thing.

For the sake of argument, I'll call your husband's pot use an addiction. Please try not to look at his addiction for proof of how much he does or does not love you and your family. They are entirely separate things. That is one of the ways in which addiction destroys a lot of families, because that is how we all feel when a loved one has a substance abuse problem.

I guess I kind of said that in my original post, but wanted to add to it.

I'm thinking of you tonight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP -- it's your friend here again.

I wanted to mention one more thing.

For the sake of argument, I'll call your husband's pot use an addiction. Please try not to look at his addiction for proof of how much he does or does not love you and your family. They are entirely separate things. That is one of the ways in which addiction destroys a lot of families, because that is how we all feel when a loved one has a substance abuse problem.

I guess I kind of said that in my original post, but wanted to add to it.

I'm thinking of you tonight.

Hey friend. Things took a dramatic turn for the worse tonight. Can you reach out to me? I need some support but don't have the strength to start from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP, I'm not your PP friend, and I don't know you, but I'm terribly sorry for what you've gone through. I suspect you're in a Pacific time zone and that you're exhausted on every level. Something deep in me also suggests you found out even worse news -- perhaps your DH has also been involved in another relationship or is asking for something more than a separation. Whatever it is -- and I am SO sorry to say this -- it may be better for you to be separated (briefly, perhaps), and it will be okay, regardless of what happens.

You are dealing with a LOT of baggage -- none of which is your fault -- and he is dealing with a long-term addiction (this didn't happen overnight). I am an adult child of an alcoholic/addict who is married to a functional alcoholic: I knew this when I married him two decades ago; I knew I was marrying the only thing I "knew" (pattern of addiction); and it sucks at times. The difference is I don't have the lying that you are experiencing (or at least that I know of). Sometimes marriages like yours and mine work; often they do not. You have two very young children. They don't deserve the pattern. If you can't get through this impasse with marriage counseling, you are NOT a failure if it doesn't work. You're just not. You've done your best. You are a survivor. You will survive this, too.

One more thing: he wanted (subconsciously perhaps) for you to find all this out -- there are no accidents when it comes to addiction (especially ones that involve remnants, smells, and phone trails). It may be his cry for help. Were I in your position, I'd probably try to get him in-patient treatment and after that figure out next steps.

Good luck. You do sound like good people, truly. I wish you all the best.

PS I'll be awake and online for a while if you want to post -- I can tell it's a tough night, and I am happy to chat with you anonymously online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP, I'm not your PP friend, and I don't know you, but I'm terribly sorry for what you've gone through. I suspect you're in a Pacific time zone and that you're exhausted on every level. Something deep in me also suggests you found out even worse news -- perhaps your DH has also been involved in another relationship or is asking for something more than a separation. Whatever it is -- and I am SO sorry to say this -- it may be better for you to be separated (briefly, perhaps), and it will be okay, regardless of what happens.

You are dealing with a LOT of baggage -- none of which is your fault -- and he is dealing with a long-term addiction (this didn't happen overnight). I am an adult child of an alcoholic/addict who is married to a functional alcoholic: I knew this when I married him two decades ago; I knew I was marrying the only thing I "knew" (pattern of addiction); and it sucks at times. The difference is I don't have the lying that you are experiencing (or at least that I know of). Sometimes marriages like yours and mine work; often they do not. You have two very young children. They don't deserve the pattern. If you can't get through this impasse with marriage counseling, you are NOT a failure if it doesn't work. You're just not. You've done your best. You are a survivor. You will survive this, too.

One more thing: he wanted (subconsciously perhaps) for you to find all this out -- there are no accidents when it comes to addiction (especially ones that involve remnants, smells, and phone trails). It may be his cry for help. Were I in your position, I'd probably try to get him in-patient treatment and after that figure out next steps.

Good luck. You do sound like good people, truly. I wish you all the best.

PS I'll be awake and online for a while if you want to post -- I can tell it's a tough night, and I am happy to chat with you anonymously online.

Thank you for your kind words and concern. We tried to have a reasonable discussion, and within 5 minutes it escalated to a level I've never experienced. My poor DH had a mental break and ended up in an ambulance to the ER and a psych evaluation. I think you are spot on when you say this was a cry for help. I am hoping with all my heart that last night can be a turning point and he can get the help he needs. I expect getting some appropriate medication and psych treatment is easier said than done.

Right now we are taking a break, but have been in very limited contact via text. I've left him in charge of finding his own solutions right now, with the option to stay in the converted garage and use the house when the kids and I aren't here. He has arranged appointments for next week. So in many ways it's now a waiting game.

But I may have gotten lucky and stumbled on a great nanny share that will start next month. So just need to figure out my childcare arrangement for the next few weeks.