How to handle a (hopefully) temporary separation period?

[Anonymous]

Could use some practical input on our situation. DH and I have been together for 7 years, married for 4 years, and have two young children. He is a SAHD and I work outside the home. We were living in DC for a number of years, but 2.5 years ago relocated out west.

We have been working through an issue for the past year (him smoking weed (legal in our new state) -- something I never envisioned in my marriage/co-parenting relationship after growing up in a house with addiction issues and a super negative environment). We have been seeing a marriage counselor and he has been seeing an individual counselor and I have worked super hard to rebuild trust after many episodes in the past 2 years of him secretly smoking marijuana and then lying/deceiving me about it. Our current arrangement is that he could have one "recreational use" day every month or so, but that we would be very above board and honest and open in it.

Come to find out this morning that he has been secretly smoking every day for the past month or so. Again, this is not the first time we've had this pattern, but last time I told him that I wouldn't deal with it again. So I woke him up this morning after the discovery, asked him to pack his things, and leave. He stormed out -- super angry -- and didn't take anything with him. I then got the kids up, got them bfast, took our older son to preschool, and am "working" from home now with our younger (7 mos).

We have an appt to see our marriage counselor on Monday, but until then, I don't know what to do. I am both angry at him and I pity him, as this is clearly an addiction issue. I won't lie -- if he gets some help for his addiction issues, I am willing to try again because he is a wonderful father and a great person overall, so I don't see this as a necessarily permanent arrangement. So how do I handle this temporary situation logistically?

Do I make him find a place to stay (preferably with a friend)? Since I earn our income, do I find him a place to stay and pay for it (i.e. AirBnB)? Do I just make him stay in the guest room and just go through the motions?

[Anonymous]

Guest room, but honestly I wouldn't end a marriage over smoking weed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guest room, but honestly I wouldn't end a marriage over smoking weed.

It's the lying and deceiving that is the real issue. But I can't be with someone who is high every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guest room, but honestly I wouldn't end a marriage over smoking weed.

It's the lying and deceiving that is the real issue. But I can't be with someone who is high every day.

Sounds like he is addicted. Getting someone who is addicted to agree to something like only once a month is guaranteed to fail and a certainty that you will be lied too. Frankly, that shouldn't even be at issue here...the lying...what should be is his need to get high everyday and how you feel about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guest room, but honestly I wouldn't end a marriage over smoking weed.

It's the lying and deceiving that is the real issue. But I can't be with someone who is high every day.

Sounds like he is addicted. Getting someone who is addicted to agree to something like only once a month is guaranteed to fail and a certainty that you will be lied too. Frankly, that shouldn't even be at issue here...the lying...what should be is his need to get high everyday and how you feel about it.

You're absolutely right. And I grew up in a house where my dad was an addict and high every day (weed too). So while I am in shock at how I am repeating the patterns that damaged me so much as a child, I know I can't live with it. And I don't want to put my children through it either. I can't live with someone who needs to be high every day, and I don't think I can ever change my stance on that. I think he now has to decide what he is going to do, but of course that's not going to happen overnight, and so I'm a little perplexed as to how to handle these immediate next steps.

[Anonymous]

Stop making him lie. Accept him as he is. Or leave him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop making him lie. Accept him as he is. Or leave him.

Did you not read my post? This is about the separation, which means I'm starting the process of leaving him. If he wants to change, then I'm willing to reconsider if he can seek help for his addictions, otherwise the separation will be permanent.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I think one recreational day per month, was always unrealistic. The thing about weed is that those who smoke it, do so habitually.

Its not an addictive drug, but the habit of using it can get out of hand.

Have there been any problems with him specifically, as a result of his smoking? Accidents with the kids etc?

Honestly I think you're being a little harsh with him.

[Anonymous]

You need to pay spousal support to help him get on his feet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guest room, but honestly I wouldn't end a marriage over smoking weed.

It's the lying and deceiving that is the real issue. But I can't be with someone who is high every day.

Sounds like he is addicted. Getting someone who is addicted to agree to something like only once a month is guaranteed to fail and a certainty that you will be lied too. Frankly, that shouldn't even be at issue here...the lying...what should be is his need to get high everyday and how you feel about it.

You're absolutely right. And I grew up in a house where my dad was an addict and high every day (weed too). So while I am in shock at how I am repeating the patterns that damaged me so much as a child, I know I can't live with it. And I don't want to put my children through it either. I can't live with someone who needs to be high every day, and I don't think I can ever change my stance on that. I think he now has to decide what he is going to do, but of course that's not going to happen overnight, and so I'm a little perplexed as to how to handle these immediate next steps.

Al Anon...try it and please don't just go to one meeting...if you have several available try each at least a couple times.

[Anonymous]

Oh honey. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

First thing first, OP. Get that infant into daycare. aYou are going to need it anyway when he's gone and it will take away the whole I'm a SAHP thing pay me extra support and alimony your DH is (likely) going to pull when you are in a divorce proceeding. Second, get good childcare because your children are being cared for by a pothead. That doesn't bode well.

Third, you need to get to an attorney asap. They will give you a road map to follow to protect your assets and children, including what type of documentation would be helpful in a child custody proceeding.

Finally, go to therapy. Alone. You need to take a beat and look into how you can be the most stable caregiver for your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

First thing first, OP. Get that infant into daycare. aYou are going to need it anyway when he's gone and it will take away the whole I'm a SAHP thing pay me extra support and alimony your DH is (likely) going to pull when you are in a divorce proceeding. Second, get good childcare because your children are being cared for by a pothead. That doesn't bode well.

Third, you need to get to an attorney asap. They will give you a road map to follow to protect your assets and children, including what type of documentation would be helpful in a child custody proceeding.

Finally, go to therapy. Alone. You need to take a beat and look into how you can be the most stable caregiver for your children.

+1 on infant daycare. A guy who is high everyday doesn't get to be a stay at home dad caring for a 7 month old. If there was some accident or illness and your 7 month old had to be taken to the ER by his high father, you could lose custody of your child even though weed is legal. And you wouldn't necessarily be viewed as a reliable caretaker either since you are knowingly leaving your infant in the care of someone who is high everyday. (Same could happen if drunk parent showed up at ER.)

Consult a lawyer about the care of an infant by a high parent and document.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs a full time job. I know people who take a hit each day but they are NOT high, far from it. Your husband is bored. He needs a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

First thing first, OP. Get that infant into daycare. aYou are going to need it anyway when he's gone and it will take away the whole I'm a SAHP thing pay me extra support and alimony your DH is (likely) going to pull when you are in a divorce proceeding. Second, get good childcare because your children are being cared for by a pothead. That doesn't bode well.

Third, you need to get to an attorney asap. They will give you a road map to follow to protect your assets and children, including what type of documentation would be helpful in a child custody proceeding.

Finally, go to therapy. Alone. You need to take a beat and look into how you can be the most stable caregiver for your children.

+1 on infant daycare. A guy who is high everyday doesn't get to be a stay at home dad caring for a 7 month old. If there was some accident or illness and your 7 month old had to be taken to the ER by his high father, you could lose custody of your child even though weed is legal. And you wouldn't necessarily be viewed as a reliable caretaker either since you are knowingly leaving your infant in the care of someone who is high everyday. (Same could happen if drunk parent showed up at ER.)

Consult a lawyer about the care of an infant by a high parent and document.

Thanks to you both. I am actually a lawyer (not family law, but I know enough to know my way around). I'm meeting with a divorce attorney next week and researching childcare options for my 3 yo and 7 mos old now. He claims he doesn't get high or smoke during the day, but I don't believe him. He claims this is just at night after me and the kids go to bed.

Also - anyone have any sense of how much 4 grams of weed is and how much a "regular" person smokes at once? Due to my childhood with an addict, I definitely shied away from any drug use in college and all my friends were drug free too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Oh honey. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

First thing first, OP. Get that infant into daycare. aYou are going to need it anyway when he's gone and it will take away the whole I'm a SAHP thing pay me extra support and alimony your DH is (likely) going to pull when you are in a divorce proceeding. Second, get good childcare because your children are being cared for by a pothead. That doesn't bode well.

Third, you need to get to an attorney asap. They will give you a road map to follow to protect your assets and children, including what type of documentation would be helpful in a child custody proceeding.

Finally, go to therapy. Alone. You need to take a beat and look into how you can be the most stable caregiver for your children.


+1 on infant daycare. A guy who is high everyday doesn't get to be a stay at home dad caring for a 7 month old. If there was some accident or illness and your 7 month old had to be taken to the ER by his high father, you could lose custody of your child even though weed is legal. And you wouldn't necessarily be viewed as a reliable caretaker either since you are knowingly leaving your infant in the care of someone who is high everyday. (Same could happen if drunk parent showed up at ER.)

Consult a lawyer about the care of an infant by a high parent and document.


Thanks to you both. I am actually a lawyer (not family law, but I know enough to know my way around). I'm meeting with a divorce attorney next week and researching childcare options for my 3 yo and 7 mos old now. He claims he doesn't get high or smoke during the day, but I don't believe him. He claims this is just at night after me and the kids go to bed.

Also - anyone have any sense of how much 4 grams of weed is and how much a "regular" person smokes at once? Due to my childhood with an addict, I definitely shied away from any drug use in college and all my friends were drug free too.

I'm the first PP in this thread. Again I'm sorry you are going through this and being an attorney you know more than others how ugly people can get I'm sure.

I wouldn't focus on what or how much he is or is not doing. I would spend every ounce of energy you have building a solid plan to leave him, including setting the stage for primary custody. Your children's safety is the first priority here.